Tag Archives: self-compassion

The Right Intention Can Sustain a Meditation Practice

Cover image for blog post called the right intention can sustain a meditation practice

When I was new to meditation, I used to hate it when a guided practice would encourage me to “set an intention” for practice. I didn’t know what that meant. I was not used to thinking about my intentions or living my life as if I got to pick one. In general, I was sitting because I was tired or thinking too much or because I was trying to keep my meditation habit alive.

For a long time, this intention was enough to sustain my practice. Early on, the physical benefits of learning to manage my stress were so obvious that feeling better was my sole intention. In those days, I would sit and find some new energy or cure a headache. With benefits like those, the intention was apparent: I just wanted to feel better.

Rethinking Intention

This week, though, I have been thinking about the power of intention in a deeper way. I am preparing to give a dharma talk to my local meditation community about how I went from novice meditator to teacher. My path was far from perfect and includes a span of nearly a year in which my practice faded away entirely.

In the course of preparing the talk, I realized that a shift in intention made all the difference for me. Meditation has always been a self-care strategy for me. It helps me slow down, get in touch with myself, and care for myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It helps me face challenges and remember self-compassion.

From Self-Care to Guiding Principle

At some point along the way, though, meditation became more than self-care for me. Eventually, after years of sitting, I started to realize that my meditation practice didn’t just help me care for myself better. Instead, meditation helped me take care of everybody I came in contact with better.

This is in part what led me to start teaching. I knew from personal experience that stress, anxiety, and overwhelm as a lawyer led to bad conduct and worse results. I began teaching other lawyers and professionals about mindfulness practices because they had made such a difference for me.

Image for blog post with options for common intentions for meditation practice

Intention Inspires Action

Over and above this, though, was the truth that I behaved better, acted more kindly, and was more available to help others when I kept my meditation practice robust. In fact, I have found that my practice is stronger when I am busy because I know that is when I need it most. Indeed, I even have increasingly made time to go on retreat because I know it makes me a calmer lawyer, more present parent, and a happier person all around.

Realizing these benefits helps me stick with my practice even when motivation is hard to muster. Even as a meditation teacher, my practice is far from perfect. I struggle with laziness, resistance, and excuses like anyone. Sometimes I am tired, I don’t feel good, or I just don’t feel like meditating.

These are the times when my intention helps me the most. I remember that I’m not just meditating for me. I’m meditating for everyone I love, for everyone I work with, everyone who depends on me, and everyone I meet. In short, I remember that I can give my best to others when I take care of myself first.

What Intentions for Meditation Are There?

There are different schools of thought about the intention which should guide meditation practice. If your intention is purely self-care, there is no shame in that. That was my sole motivation for years and it made a huge difference in my life.

If your intention is self-improvement, that can be wonderful too. In reality, I have experienced how a balanced effort to improve oneself can lead to more ethical living and benefit others.

Image asking the question what is your motivation for meditation practice

What Motivates Your Meditation Practice?

The point of this post is not for me or any other teacher to tell you what your intention should be. Rather, the point is to encourage you to discover the intention for your own mindfulness practice. You may not know what your intention is right away and that’s okay.

If you keep asking, though, you may eventually realize what is motivating you to keep meditating. Once you understand this you will discover a powerful motivational tool to help keep your practice robust. If you are lucky, you may also unearth a guiding principle that can positively influence the direction of your life.

If you have struggled with motivation for your meditation practice, we have some resources that might help. Check out our Meditation Habit Worksheet to see if any subtle tweaks can make a difference. You can also check out our Pause and Begin Again e-book, which offers strategies for starting and restarting a meditation practice. Lastly, consider ways to make your practice more enjoyable here.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Why I Love Meditation Retreats

Cover image for blog post entitled Why I Love Meditation Retreats

“Why am I even doing this?” This question is one I have asked myself during meditation repeatedly over the last several years. I asked it yesterday, on a beautiful Saturday morning, on the first walking meditation session of a half-day retreat.

I could have been doing any number of other things. The lovely weather offered a perfect opportunity to clean up my yard. I also have been meaning to take my kids to the museum to see a new exhibit. Like most lawyers, I had a selection of work and meditation teaching-related tasks waiting for me.

But I had chosen to spend the better part of a day sitting and walking in silence. Given all the other choices before me and the fact that time was so precious, the question “why” naturally arose. The fact of the question didn’t surprise me. The tone underlying it did.

Why Isn’t Always a Question

As I have shared before, why questions often implicitly posit more than they seek. When we ask why, of ourselves or others, it can easily connote a judgment instead of asking a question. On one of my first meditation retreats, this same question — why am I here — was really a symptom of my own doubt.

This time, after years of practice, hundreds of hours of training, and many more meditation retreats, the question finally appeared as a real question. When it arose, I felt the curiosity behind it. It allowed me to consider the facts with an open mind, instead of retreating into self-defense.

So, as I walked, I considered why I had decided to come to this particular half-day retreat. I’d made the decision to attend in the preceding days when I had the sense that I “needed” some extended time for meditation. The weeks prior had been busy, to be sure, with many activities that an introvert like me finds draining.

An image that discusses why busy lawyers ought to ask what they get and don't get from a meditation retreat.

Retreats Are a Chance to Put Your Identity Down

This provided some of the answer, but I knew there was more to it. My busy couple of weeks was also embedded in a transitional series of months. I had started a job with a new firm in January. It was a good change but a big one. As someone with a history of anxiety, change of this nature causes a lot of worry.

While I walked, I noticed something amazing: I was not worrying at all. I also realized that I had not worried during the first full sit or the drive to the retreat site. This was remarkable because downtime–moments not filled to the brim with activity–is when my worry tended to arise. Here I was, though, with planned hours of downtime and I was doing just fine.

When I noticed this fact, I smiled because my “why” was immediately apparent. I had gone to the retreat to rest in the deepest sense of the word. Now that I have practiced meditation for a while, I am comfortable sitting and letting my thoughts go. I can get distance from them and let them float and bounce around. I trust that with time they eventually will stop and my mind will settle.

Meditation Can Offer a Rest from All the Worry

What this means, then, is that retreat offers me an extended period to set my worries down. For a few hours (or days when I can afford it), I can set my identity aside. This allows me to just notice what is happening in my mind and body and present moment experience. In doing so, worry stops because it is entirely useless and irrelevant.

Of course, this does not mean that worry stops for all time. Anxiety for me, like many other lawyers, has been a lifelong friend. I have no doubts it will return. But when it does, I know from experience that the terror it used to invoke will be missing. Prior to meditation, anxiety was more than a dreadful feeling and a head filled with dire thoughts. It was something I never thought I could escape.

When I started meditation, though, I learned that I didn’t have to escape. Instead, slowly and surely I began to face my anxiety. I broke it into pieces and noticed the thoughts, body sensations, and emotions one by one. Then I learned to interpret what, if anything the anxiety was telling me. Usually, it was just saying “I’m scared” or “there’s something I can’t control and that makes me feel unsafe.”

An image that explains that rest is one of the benefits lawyers can get from a meditatin retreat.

Ending Worry Means Facing Fear with Kindness

At this rock bottom stage, I unexpectedly found power. When I accepted my feelings of fear and vulnerability, I then could practice self-compassion and care for my feelings. This is what allowed me to just sit with anxiety because I had learned to trust myself to hold it with kindness.

So, why spend a beautiful Saturday cooped up at a silent meditation retreat? To put it simply, it’s a chance to take a break from normal life and go back to the very basics. Retreat is remarkable because it is a chance to practice just being with life exactly as it is. For me, this has usually meant a return to my normal life with less worry and more kindness.

At the end of the retreat, when all of my why questions had been answered, we ended with a guided loving-kindness practice. This practice had been a favorite of mine for a long time. This time, the leader started us off by cuing us to think of an image or person who inspired compassion in us. The most shocking thing happened when the image that came to my mind was myself.

An image that explains that meditation retreats allow participants to practice being with life as it is.

Practicing Kindness Can Help Us Face Life

Like most lawyers, self-compassion was something I’d always had to work to cultivate. My own image didn’t come to mind, though, because I am naturally mild and magnanimous. I knew it was, instead, a recognition of my stubbornness. All the worry over the last few weeks had proven something meaningful: that I wouldn’t give up on myself.

I had been a bit exasperated with all my worries, but I had never turned on myself. Instead, I relentlessly (even if not effortlessly) tended to my fears with self-care and sought support from others. With far less angst than in years past, I did what any kind person would do for another person in need of support. In doing so, I had become my own source and image of compassion.

This recognition was a beautiful way to end the retreat and a sign that I was ready to pick my identity back up. Because I had a chance to set it aside for a while, it didn’t feel so heavy. Resting from my worries helped remind me I could face them again when needed. Reconnecting with compassion reminded me I had the tools, in myself and others, to face life as it is.

Conclusion

So why should lawyers or other professionals take time out of their busy lives to sit and do nothing at a retreat? Because doing nothing provides a unique opportunity to see how life really is or at least how it can be when we aren’t lost in thoughts and worries. It’s a chance to set identity aside, rest from anxiety, doubts, and fears, and reconnect with simple kindness.

Meditation retreats are not easy and not exactly fun. They can be a challenge for lawyers to schedule and attend. Despite this, I love attending meditation retreats because I usually gain insights and always feel lighter at the end.

An image that discusses how meditation retreats can allow more space for mindfulness and compassion

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Interview with Lawyer and Attempted Suicide Survivor Bruce Simpson

Cover image for interview with lawyer and attempted suicide survivor Bruce Simpson

Editor’s Note: I had not met Bruce Simpson until last week. However, I have known about him for several months. Bruce shared his story for my state bar association, the ABA, and various news sources. I organized a CLE discussion about attorney mental health for the Kentucky Bar Convention and reached out to Bruce to participate. He graciously agreed and did a wonderful job. I am pleased he also agreed to an interview here so I can share some of his words with those who could not attend the session.

1. Tell me about yourself.

I did not realize or appreciate that I had any “mental health” struggles or a mental health problem until after I attempted suicide. I thought I was simply too weak to fix what I thought were merely my own self-created,  “emotional problems.”  I was raised like many kids in the 50s and 60s and even now where your “worth” as a human being was based on how well you performed in athletics or something else that your parents’ thought was “worthy”.

Early Life and Education

In my case, it was athletics. When I performed well, I was not criticized but when I performed poorly, I was constantly berated. This took place daily between the ages 11 and 18.  As a result,  I had extremely poor self-esteem, acted out in school, and got sent to the principal’s office more than any kid I knew. I did not study for any test between 9th and 12th grade except for one final. I thought I was worthless and weak.

I learned from my father not to complain because that meant I was weak, that I should “suck it up” and be “like a man.”  So, for 60 years, I did not think I had a mental illness problem. It was ingrained in me that I had a Bruce Simpson personal problem, that I was simply too ineffectual. I did not realize there was anything to fix. I knew I was worthless.

I did not legally graduate from high school. I was socially promoted. I did not pass the required classes. My GPA was 1.4 for 4 years. I tried to go to the UK but flunked out with a 1.1 GPA after 3 semesters. I got drafted into the Army. This gave me a wake-up call. I was away from home for 2 years and on my own. I did well in the Army serving above rank. I also got serious and upon my discharge was ready to get serious about school.

College to Law Practice

I went year-round for 4 years and obtained my BA in sociology and MSW degrees. I made a 3.3 or higher every semester for my BA degree and a 3.9 in graduate school. I studied all the time. I performed well objectively but I still thought I was an imposter. I was terribly insecure. I thought I would never get a girlfriend because I was not attractive enough. So, I married the first girl who was attracted to me. I thought I would never find another girlfriend. This insecurity, the lack of self-worth was an integral part of my life for 60 years.

I did not start to think other people thought I was worthy until my early forties when I started to have some success as a lawyer. People would tell me they saw one of my trials or hearings and compliment me. I was stunned. Really? I asked. This felt great. This continued for the next 30 or so years. I became well known in central Kentucky for land development controversies, hearings, and trials. Internally, though, I knew I was an imposter.

Early Views about Mental Health

During this time whenever I would read about a lawyer getting into trouble for one reason or another, I thought to myself, if that were me, I would kill myself. I could not lose this self-worth I had obtained if only because people would tell me I was a good lawyer. I recall one vacation my wife and I took to Europe. I was a solo practitioner at the time, and a thought popped into my head about halfway across the ocean that I might have missed a statute of limitations filing in a case. This thought would pop into my head 10-15 times per day.

The only way I found I could cope and not ruin the trip for my wife was to conclude, “Look if you missed the statute, you will just kill yourself when you get home.”  The truth is I was on autopilot to kill myself for 30 years if I ever perceived other people would not consider me worthy. Thus, on January 24, 2023,  when I saw I had not filed a brief in a highly publicized case I won at trial and that it was going to be a published decision, I knew I had to take my own life. There was no question about it. I was ready to die.

Image with quote from the article regarding mental health for lawyers and the general public

2. Without revealing any confidence, how did you manage your law practice as you address your mental health needs?

I did not manage my mental health needs because I did not know I had any such needs. I thought it was me being weak. I did not believe any therapist could talk me into being strong and I thought medication would just make me high.

3. What supports, people, groups, or resources helped you the most in managing your mental health?

I had to be involuntarily institutionalized at Eastern State Hospital after my suicide attempt. This was the first time I had any mental healthcare. I have been in therapy and on medication since. I am now doing better than ever. I have never felt better. I think more clearly than ever. I am performing better than ever in trials and hearings, and I do not need anyone’s affirmation to tell me I am worthy.

I know I am worthy. While therapy and medication have been crucial to my recovery, my increased faith in God and following Him daily has been super important. No one could have been more purposeful to die on January 25, 2023, than me. I suppose I will never be able to fully explain to everybody’s comprehension how a brand new, loaded .357 Magnum pistol with hollow point bullets did not fire when the hammer of the gun hit the bullet while the gun was pointed at the side of my head when I pulled the trigger.

This is especially unlikely because I had just test fired this brand-new gun only a moment earlier and a removed the spent shell casing from the gun. I had seen the live bullet rotate into the firing chamber just like it did during the test firing. Yet, it did not fire and before I could try again, the police where driving towards me because I had called 911 before I tried to kill myself. I did not want an innocent person to find my body.

An image with an article quote regarding the power of mental health treatment and faith that helped a lawyer recover after a suicide attempt

4. What is the most important thing you wish the legal profession understood about mental health?

The legal profession as well as the public at large must learn to appreciate that mental illness is a serious and legitimate illness just like cancer, heart disease and the like. Mental illness and its treatment should not have the stigma attached to it that it does. This stigma deters mentally ill people from obtaining the treatment they need, and which works.

Too many of us mock mentally ill people. I confess I used to do it. This is wrong and it is damaging to those who suffer mental illness. As far as the legal profession in particular, the culture must change. I practiced 20 years in Big Law and 20 years in small firms. Leaders of law firms need to be much more tuned into the quality of life of their subordinate attorneys.

This “all-in” push to generate maximum money to the exclusion of people’s mental health is sick. Too many leaders give lip service to caring about their attorneys but in fact, the unwritten code is if you want to stay employed and make the “esteemed partner” class, you better demonstrate the firm comes first and so does money.

Lawyers are also encumbered much like doctors by the potential to be “infected” with the perfectionism syndrome. Too many of us believe we must be perfect as lawyers and anything less is unacceptable because clients will get hurt, and the firm will get sued. I do not see any way around this conundrum.

It is something we must live with when we choose this profession. I also think lawyers should be rewarded for service to the community and pro bono work. Yet, few firms do. I believe this service component actually enhances the image of the firm which draws more business.

An image with a quote from the article about mental health for lawyers and perfectionism

5. How did you find the courage to start being open about your mental health story?

My situation is unique, I think. By all logic, I should have died that night. There is no rational reason I should be alive today. I was locked in on killing myself. I wanted to finish my mission in that cemetery, but the police officer did not leave. The rest is detailed in my article, but it was only on January 25, 2024, my one-year anniversary, that I told the rest of the story which happened that night. I posted on my Facebook account and my LinkedIn Account. I do not have courage. I am simply empowered by God to speak out.

6. How has your experience managing your own mental health affected your life and work?

Mental health treatment and my newfound faith have changed my life so radically, there are no words to adequately describe how blessed I feel, how clearly, I think and how good I feel about myself.

Bruce’s Bio: Bruce Simpson has been a civil trial lawyer for 40 years in Lexington, KY where his practice has focused on land use litigation and civil rights violations. Bruce is admitted to practice in all state and federal courts in Kentucky, the United States 6th Circuit Court of Appeals, and the United States Supreme Court.

He has a Bachelor of Arts, Master of Social Work and Juris Doctorate Degrees from the University of Kentucky. Bruce is a past president of the Fayette County Bar Association. He is also a past president and current board member of the Children’s Advocacy Center of the Bluegrass, which exclusively serves sexually abused children. Additionally, he is a member of the board of directors of the Kentucky Equal Justice Center and Mental Health America-Kentucky Chapter.

Bruce is a United States Army infantry veteran who served 2 years of active duty and 4 years of reserve duty.

This post is the first of an ongoing series. If you are in the legal profession and are interested in sharing your story, please submit a query here. If you are not sure about sharing your story, there is no shame in taking your time. For a bit of inspiration about the benefits it might offer, however, check out my post here.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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New Download: Stress Management Workbook

Cover image for blog post sharing stress management workbook for lawyers and profesionals

We just finished Well-Being Week in Law. One of the biggest struggles for many lawyers when it comes to well-being is stress. Even though our jobs are very stressful, many lawyers never learn good strategies for stress management.

To be sure, I believe in a holistic approach to stress management. As I have written before, change is needed in workplaces, our culture, and in the legal profession when it comes to mental health. Firms and companies should consider the overall impact of their policies and practices on employee mental health. In addition, lawyers in a position of power to reduce or avoid stress for ourselves or others should certainly do so.

Why Individual Stress Management Can Help

The thing is, though, that not matter how good our workplace policies or personal practices, stress always happens. It is a function of life. For lawyers, too, the challenging circumstances in which we often work play a big part. As a result, it is a good idea for lawyers and others in stressful jobs to understand stress and learn good stress management skills.

In part, this is because the way we respond to stress can have a huge impact in how it affects us. When we respond with awareness and self-kindness, we can learn approaches that work better for us and help us treat others better in the midst of stress.

Cover image for stress management workbook for lawyers and professionals.

Stress Management Is Not Doing It All on Your Own

That is one reason I speak and teach about stress management for lawyers and other professionals. Of course, as an introvert, I know that group discussion is not the only way to gain insights. Sometimes personal reflection may help us learn about ourselves too.

For those who want to consider stress management for themselves, I developed the Stress Management Workbook. It will help you bring awareness to practices and habits around stress and consider other ways of responding to it. Of course, social supports and help (including from trained professionals) is a huge element of stress management. Do not take this resource as a sign to manage stress all on your own. Instead, use it as a tool for fostering better connection with yourself and others.

Where Can I Get the Workbook?

To get the workbook, follow the link here, enter your email address, and download. That’s it.

While you’re at it, you can check out our other downloads for:

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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New Podcast Interview about Mindfulness in Law

Cover image for blog post "New Podcast Interview about Mindfulness in Law" regarding our founder's interview on the Mindfulness Voyage Podcast

As I have written before, I am a fan of LinkedIn. It is where I honed my skills as a writer (outside of legal writing) and it is where I have encountered so many wonderful people. Ted Meissner is one of those people. When he showed up in my feed, I followed right away. Ted offers a unique perspective on mindfulness.

Ted shares studies on mindfulness and educates about how to talk about mindfulness practice. As a teacher (and lawyer too), I appreciated this right away. Who doesn’t need reminders now and then about taking care with our speech?

After I engaged with Ted a few times about his great posts, he asked me to be a guest on his podcast, Mindfulness Voyage. In the brief interview, I shared with Ted some information about the Mindfulness in Law Society and my work with it. This includes bi-weekly virtual sits, special events, and retreats both in-person and virtual.

I also share the ways that mindfulness practice supports my law practice. In particular, I explained how mindfulness practices fosters stability and kindness in my law practice. And I explained why I emphasize self-compassion when I teach and speak about mindfulness for lawyers.

You can check out the podcast episode on YouTube and other podcast streaming services and follow Ted on LinkedIn.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Which Self-Compassion Book Is Better for Lawyers?

Cover image for the blog post Which Self-Compassion Book Is Better for Lawyers?

I write about self-compassion a lot because it is one of the most rewarding shifts I have made in my life and law practice. From speaking to and teaching lawyers about mindfulness for years now, I also know that self-compassion is an area of opportunity for many of us.

If you are interested in this topic, you start Googling or searching on Amazon for resources to explore self-compassion further. Doing this is likely to direct you to two prominent names in the field of self-compassion cultivation: Kristin Neff and Chris Germer.

Neff and Germer teamed up to create the popular, accessible, and effective program Mindful Self-Compassion which I reviewed previously. They also have books under their own name on the topic of self-compassion. Neff’s is Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (paid link) and Germer’s is The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion (paid link).

Which one is best? As a lawyer, I can’t resist saying “it depends” but I can also offer some analysis here to help you decide.

How they Are Different

As I discuss below, both books have a lot in common. I don’t truly think you can go wrong reading either and there are benefits of reading both. Even so, they do have a few critical differences.

Perspective of a Clinician v. a Researcher

The most obvious difference between the two books is the perspective from which they were written. Germer is a clinician while Neff is a researcher. As such, Germer focuses far more on the practices to cultivate self-compassion, while Neff focused on the research. Likewise, Germer relies on more examples from working with patients. Neff offers more examples from studies she has conducted of reviewed.

Male v. Female

Another important difference is that Germer is male and Neff is female. This does not always matter for every book, but when it comes to self-compassion men and women may for cultural reason face different challenges. As a male, Germer speaks more to his experience as a husband and father. On the other hand, Neff shares about the challenges of being a woman professional and her experience with motherhood.

Voice

Although both books cover substantially similar material, the voice of the two authors may be the biggest area of difference. Germer’s voice is down-to-earth, practical, direct, and analytical. This isn’t to say it is hard-charging by any means, and certainly not compared to the content most lawyers read. But, as a left brained person myself, I prefer this style and many lawyers or professionals may feel more at ease with it.

In contrast, Neff’s style is soft, warm, and intimate. She shares her personal experiences more often than Germer does and offers less explanations of the practices. Even her arguments regarding the meaning of the various studies on self-compassion don’t feel like arguments. This is most likely an intentional choice to help readers who struggle with self-compassion open their minds to it.

A comparison of Chris Germer's and Kristin Neff's books on self-compassion so lawyers can pick which is best for them.

How Are They Similar

Despite all of these differences, Neff and Germer’s books are very similar. They have worked together and both addressed different aspects of self-compassion. This is one reason why you can’t go wrong with either book. They both offer:

Conclusion

In truth, I like both of the books and think any reader could benefit from either. I have a slight personal affinity for Germer’s book, since it appeals to my direct, practical and analytical personality. However, as a working mom and special education attorney, I certainly appreciated Neff’s decision to share her story, including caring for son after his diagnosis with an autism spectrum disorder.

In case you need a clear conclusion, though, I will say that Neff’s work may be ideal if you really need convincing that self-compassion is worth it. This is a reality for many lawyers and there’s nobody better to convince you on the power of self-compassion than someone who has researched it for years.

On the other hand, if you need more tools to internalize self-compassion and implement it in your life, Germer’s book is the way to go. Germer’s down-to-earth writing style and lived experienced a clinician may be a great tool to help you build self-compassion in your own life and work.

A conclusion with book reviews of Germer's and Neff's books on self-compassion.

The links to the books mentioned in this review are affiliate links. The review is unsponsored and sincere but the links to Amazon are paid.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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How to Disrupt the Habit of Beating Yourself Up

This is the line I often hear when I present about self-compassion: I know that it’s better to be kind to myself but I just can’t do it. People, especially lawyers, tell me that the habit of criticizing themselves is so ingrained that they see it as a part of their character.

This is a common struggle and I have personally experienced how painful it can be. Though it can indeed be a challenge, it is possible to change even well-established habits like self-criticism over time. I know because I have done it.

Beating Yourself Up Is a Habit.

I started meditating a decade ago after I developed postpartum depression following the birth of my first daughter. It took me years to understand the situation but I eventually realized that my problem was a persistent failure to comfort myself. Thus, looking back on my life, I now see that my instances of depression occurred, in part, because I had a limited ability to handle setbacks.

After stabilizing with therapy and medication, meditation helped me address the root cause of the problem because I started to change my inner voice and the way I responded to difficulty. Where I used to attack and criticize myself, meditation helped me see hardship as a part of life and learn to care for myself through it. This didn’t make life perfect, but it made the hard aspects of life a lot less hard.

This experience shows that self-compassion isn’t a character trait, but instead a habit or a skill that can be cultivated with practice. Research shows that I am right too. Here are five strategies that can help you disrupt your self-criticism habit to build the skill of self-compassion.

Reframe Self-Criticism as a Habit

The first step to changing the habit of beating yourself up is to accept it as a habit. Many people are so accustomed to being hard on themselves that they may see this as something they can’t change. Mindfulness practice may help you see that identity is not a static thing. Instead, it is often the product of our habits.

Thus, a small thing you can do to start treating yourself more kindly, is to start viewing your treatment of yourself as a behavior. Instead of seeing it as a manifestation of who you are, see it as a thing you do. Notice when it arises, consider where and how the behavior emerged, and then ask is it helping your or hurting you now?

Pause and Notice How You Feel

This leads right into the next step. How do you know if beating yourself up is helping you or hurting you? One way is to notice how it feels when you do it. Lots of people think that they can’t unwind the habit of self-criticism because they notice how often they beat themselves up.

In reality, this noticing is a great start. Even if you intend to try a gentler approach, the odds are that you will eventually slip up and berate yourself. Don’t add on by berating yourself about that mistake. Instead, notice the words are that are coming to your mind or out of your head. Notice how it makes you feel. Notice what it makes you want to do.

Seeing the impact of our habits is what gives us the power to evaluate whether they are serving us or not. As hard as it is, noticing exactly what occurs when we beat ourselves up may be a first step to letting go of the habit.

Practice Makes Perfect.

Even if you know nothing about self-compassion, meditation may help you cultivate it for a fundamental reason. Anyone who meditates knows that the mind will wander or get lost in thought. The nearly universal instruction for responding to this is to gently return your attention back to the breath or other focal point.

This gentle redirection, practiced over and over again, cultivates self-compassion. In fact, when I teach compassion I describe as “sneaky self-compassion” because it can happen without much effort and transform your inner voice subtly over time.

The good news, of course, is that this sneaky self-compassion can be practiced outside of meditation too. If you do anything moderately challenging and repetitive, you can use this gentle redirection approach to cultivate self-compassion and enjoy your pastime better.

Best Friend Test.

Now, I bet you are wondering if I still think self-compassion is the way to go even when you make a mistake or act badly. In fact, I think self-compassion is most important in times like those even though it also the most challenging.

When you screw up or act in a way that is not aligned with your values, self-compassion will not come naturally. Your brain very likely will go into self-judgment mode before you can stop it. When you see this happening, a good question to ask is “how would I react if my best friend did the same thing?”

When I say “best friend” here, I mean your ride or die friend. This is the person you love but you can also be real with when it matters. If your best friend did something wrong, you wouldn’t necessarily hide it, but you may also help them get back on their feet so they can make amends.

You may have to use the best friend test like a mantra for a while until this idea sinks in and starts to feel normal. But once it does, you may be amazed at how quickly your inner voice goes into “wise coach” mode instead of that dreaded inner critic.

Notice the Performance Benefits

The last step in the process is the best one. This is where you get to notice the difference between a response with self-compassion in comparison to living without it. Let’s say you face a setback, challenge, or mistake and you don’t beat yourself up. Perhaps you just deal with the issue or maybe you treat yourself with kindness to help yourself through it.

If this happens, don’t breeze past it. Instead, pause for a moment and take note. Notice if the situation was made easier by your response. Notice if you feel proud of how you handled it. Notice if your performance was in any way enhanced by treating yourself with kindness instead of contempt.

This celebration phase is where you lock in self-compassion as a habit because you can see the benefits. It’s also a great time to reflect on times like these for personal development because it may remind you that even entrenched habits can be changed.

Conclusion: Beating Yourself Up Is a Habit You Can Change

If you habitually beat yourself up, you aren’t alone. It is a common response to setbacks, mistakes, and challenges, especially for high-achievers like lawyers. Self-criticism, though, isn’t common because it is the only option. Instead, it is common because habits are easy to form when we aren’t paying attention. With awareness, time, and the strategies above, you can disrupt the habit of beating yourself up and replace with self-compassion.

If you want to study this more, check out our Heart of Loving-Kindness Practice Guide or some of our Guided Meditations. This one about being gentle with yourself during meditation practice is a perfect example of “sneaky self-compassion”. You can find it on Insight Timer or here:

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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New Writing Event with the Mindfulness in Law Society

The Mindfulness in Law Society reached out and asked if I wanted to do a community event for the larger group. I have been guiding the virtual sits for about a year now and taught at the virtual retreat last fall. For this event, though, they didn’t want me to guide a meditation. They wanted me to teach.

When we did the meeting to plan this session, I expected they would have something in mind. To my delight and surprise, they didn’t have preconceived notions. Instead, the organizer and I discussed some of my recent speaking engagements and I told her about a Ted-style talk I had done on thought leadership for the FDCC. She saw my face light up and suggested that the topic relate to the intersection of writing and mindfulness.

I very happily agreed. My writing and mindfulness practice grew up together. They reinforce each other. Writing helps me let go of thoughts and mindfulness helps me see which ones are worth exploring further. In the span of about six years, I went from being the occasional author to articles in trade magazines, to a daily poster on LinkedIn, then to a weekly blogger and book author.

I don’t claim to be an expert, but this experience and my mindfulness training has helped me develop some tips and best practices for creativity. On April 24th at 12 PM EST, I hope you will join me and the Mindfulness in Law Society online for a session where I’ll discuss this. I will share the top 5 ways that my mindfulness practice helped spur my creativity and I expect some other authors will join and share their tips as well.

This event is open to anyone in the legal profession, which includes lawyers (including those in law adjacent fields), law students, law professors, and support staff. Please join us or reach out if you have any questions. You can register here.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Self-Compassion Can Make Weight Loss Less Painful

A cover image for the blog post Self-Compassion Can Make Weight Loss Less Painful

I’m not stranger to soul-sucking things. After all, I am a lawyer. But when I got on the scale at a recent doctor’s visit, I knew I was in for another one. From years of experience going off the deep end with control issues, I have learned to be skeptical of numbers.

I knew the number on the scale didn’t correlate to my self-worth. I was on guard against the diet industrial complex’s ploy to make me place moral value on my weight. I’m an accomplished, self-respecting, grown ass woman for heaven’s sake. The number on the scale doesn’t define me.

All of this is true, but as soon as I saw the number I knew what I had to do. You see, even though life experience had told me to cautious against letting a scale push me around, I also had some other life experience to consider. Life experience, and medical advice, had given me an ideal weight range. The number I saw on the scale was about 15 pounds above that.

The Reckoning with Truth

I’m tall so this is not a huge amount, but it was enough that I had noticed it. I could see it in pictures. I could feel it in my energy levels. I noticed that some of my workouts were a little harder and some of my clothes fit a little less well. Thus, seeing the number just confirmed what I already knew: it was time to get back in shape.

The clarity of this conclusion, though, didn’t make me hate it any less. In fact, that is probably why I avoided thinking about it until the scale told me I had to face facts. Losing weight is hard. The very thought of weight management makes me nervous because I have wrestled with self-loathing about my weight before.

An image with a quote about how mindfulness and self-compassion can make weight loss less painful

So I started thinking. Does weight loss have to be terrible? Is it destined to be painful and awful? Or is there a way to do it that doesn’t hurt so much? In fact, is there a way to make healthier choices that doesn’t suck all the goodness and joy out of life? I think there is and it’s rooted in mindfulness and self-compassion.

Getting Motivated to Start

Habit change can feel really overwhelming at first. When it comes to weight loss, it can be extra hard because eating permeates so much of our daily life. Deciding to change how you eat, therefore, isn’t as simple as just deciding. Instead, it requires planning and commitment.

Self-compassion helped me find the motivation to get started because it helped me look at the factors nonjudgmentally to decide that now was an ideal time to try. Instead of wallowing in the feelings of overwhelm that told me change would be too hard, I examined the facts.

In truth, I got super businesslike about it and did an informal SWOT analysis.

  • Strengths: Solid workout routine including strength training means calories should be easy to burn. I’m skilled at cooking and enjoy healthy, nutrient dense foods. I have had success with weight loss in the past.
  • Weaknesses: I have 2 kids who won’t allow me to just stop buying snacks and treats. My schedule is busy and can impede healthy eating. I have to network a lot which means temptation is always near.
  • Opportunities: Warmer weather means more pleasant opportunities for movement and better produce for cooking healthy foods. I have a stable routine at work that will support habit change. I like experimenting with new things to see what works.
  • Threats: I’m over 40 and it may be harder to lose weight than in the past. I have had bad experiences with weight loss attempts in the distant past.

This may not sound very warm and fuzzy, so you may be wondering how this is self-compassion. In truth, though, self-compassion isn’t always about being soft with yourself. I think of it more as being clear with yourself instead of being unfairly biased against yourself.

An image with a quote about self-compassion

Identifying the Problem

Once I got motivated to start considering weight loss, self-compassion was also helpful in considering where the weak points were in my habits. There is so much pressure on most of us, especially women, to maintain a healthy weight that this can be really hard. We can easily slide into feeling totally out of control and worthless.

In my case, I was able to avoid it because I realized my struggles with weight were all caused by understandable factors. First, I have always loved food so it is an easy thing for me to unconsciously use food for comfort instead of nourishment. Second, the last few years for me have been a bit volatile with a few job changes.

Third, and most significantly, I still had lingering habits from the pandemic. During social distancing, I had to manage my own mood and the moods of my household. Having very few other options to do this, edible treats became one way of doing this.

Getting clear about where my habits went awry helped me avoid attacking my own character and judging myself. Instead, with self-compassion, I was able to clearly evaluate my habits so I could focus on improving my behavior.

Crafting a Plan

Once I got motivated and clear about where things went wrong, I was ready to craft a plan that would help me turn my analysis into actionable steps. The goal was fortunately clear to me: lose 15 pounds. My SWOT analysis and past experience, though, told me that I had to offer myself some extra supports.

First, I decided to try a food journal (specifically this one I found on Amazon) because I had success using one in the past. I avoid calorie tracking or a ton of precision on amounts. I don’t go in for diets or restrictive eating because it feeds my control issues. With the food journal, I keep track of what I eat, when I eat, and how the food makes me feel. This helps me be intentional about my choices.

Second, I decided to get help from an expert. As I have shared before, I loved The Craving Mind by Judson Brewer. He also has an app called Eat Right Now and a book about mindful eating. I bought a subscription to the app and decided to give it a try. Curiosity about the app and checking in each day motivated me and helped me establish my habit in the first few weeks.

A blog post about goals and supporting yourself with mindfulness and self-compassion

Third, I added healthier items for me to my grocery list. I replaced my normal snacks with more nutrient dense options. I stocked up on fresh fruits and veggies I enjoy. I also made sure to add a variety of foods that would be good for lunches and snacks so i could avoid eating out as much as possible.

Finally, I planned to eat more frequently. I knew from experience that my energy tended to flag at about 3 hours and hunger would usually set in by then. As a result, I started planning smaller but more frequent meals and snacks.

You may notice that this plan was not primarily about minimizing calories. Instead, it was about eating better and feeling better overall. Embedded in the plan was the assumption that habit change is hard so supports are necessary.

Imperfect Implementation

Implementation of the plan, of course, is the hard part. This is where self-compassion really gets to shine. Of course, I know that it would be nearly impossible to make healthy food choices 100% of the time for the rest of my life. I knew that there would be times when I’d struggle, make the wrong choice, or just feel unmotivated.

When I started implementing, perfection was not my goal. Instead, a positive trend line marked by negative weight change and positive improvements in how I felt was the goal. To get this, I knew from experience that treating myself well was important.

I noticed and celebrated successes. I noticed when I enjoyed my healthy food. I noticed when I ate a bit more than I needed and how it felt. I noticed when days were harder because I was tired. And when temptation comes up up, I didn’t resist or beat myself up and instead just let it come.

An image explaining mindful eating and the importance of self-compassion

In short, my big implementation strategy is that I assume it will be hard to establish and maintain a long-term healthy eating habit. Because I recognize every day that what I am doing is hard, I let go of perfection and remember that coaching myself with kindness must be a daily practice.

Conclusion (Well Sort of)

I wish I could wrap this post with a neat and tidy conclusion, but the truth is that this is an ongoing process. After about 5 weeks, I am about 2/3 of the way to my goal. I feel better. I have learned a lot just by paying attention to how I eat. I admit that I am proud too.

Of course, achieving goals and losing weight will usually inspire pride in most of us. This time around, I am proud that I treated weight loss like any other goal. I analyzed the issues, crafted a plan, identified supports, and implemented it.

Despite my history with struggles with weight and all the years doubting myself when it came to food, I was able to treat weight loss like any other challenging goal because I had self-compassion. So, if you are thinking about getting back in shape, I suggest that you start by being fair with yourself and focus on treating yourself well.

If you want some practices that may help with a weight loss effort or being good to yourself, check these out:

Did you know restorative yoga is associated with weight loss? Relaxation and restoration can have its benefits. Whether you have props or not, you can try it out with this practice here:

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Three Simple Steps Lawyers Can Use to Build Self-Compassion

Cover image for the blog post Three Simple Steps Lawyers Can Use to Cultivate Self-Compassion

Self-compassion features prominently on this blog. In part that is because cultivating self-compassion is a huge part of my personal journey. I consider it one of the greatest gifts of my meditation practice and perhaps the biggest shift in my life. It is what helped me grow after decades of overthinking, anxiety, depression, and loneliness.

My story, though, is not unique. Self-compassion has been proven to help people achieve goals, build happiness, take risks, and foster closer relationships. Beyond this, even for those of us to whom it does not come naturally, self-compassion can be cultivated with practice and time.

But how do you “practice self-compassion.” The good news is that this this, too, has been researched. Thanks to the work of researcher and author, Kristin Neff, among others, we know that self-compassion has three primary aspects which any of us can use to learn to bring into your own life and work to help yourself.

1. Mindfulness

Many of us who struggle with self-compassion worry that it may cause us to become too soft on ourselves. We may be concerned that we will rest on our laurels, get a big head, or even overlook our own unethical or hurtful conduct. If this is you, you may be relieved to learn that mindfulness is an essential element of self-compassion.

At its heart, self-compassion means that we are sensitive to our own needs and suffering. In this way, mindfulness has to be there because we can’t be compassionate towards something of which we are unaware. This aspect can matter a lot for lawyers who are often focused on the suffering of others. Just acknowledging our own struggles is where mindfulness fits in in to self-compassion.

Beyond this, though, mindfulness is also a steadying and stabilizing force. This is what helps us notice things without getting lost in them. In the context of self-compassion, mindfulness is what helps us realize we are having a problem without piling on by taking the situation personally or judging ourselves for our reactions.

An image sharing the benefits of cultivating self-compassion for lawyers and others

2. Common Humanity

The next aspect of self-compassion is common humanity. This aspect helps us embed our individual struggle in the context of the human story. When bad things happen, it is very easy to think “why me” or “woe is me” or “I’m the worst person in the world.”

Invoking common humanity, though, helps you zoom out from this common storyline. Instead of responding “why me” when a hard situation happens, you may consider that bad things are an unfortunate but normal part of life. Instead of the self-pity of “woe is me” or self-judgment, you may remember that your story is like the stories of so many others.

This aspect of self-compassion is important for lawyers especially. In hard times, even the best of us may tend to self-isolate or get lost in shame. Common humanity is what helps us avoid that tangle because it reminds us of our connection to other people. At a minimum, this can help loosen the grip of self-judgment. Eventually, though, it may also help us seek out and accept kindness and support from our community when we need it most.

3. Self-Kindness

The last aspect of self-compassion flows from the first two. Once you have become aware of your own suffering and recognized it as a part of the human story, it becomes easier to take care of yourself.

To put it very simply, self-kindness means giving yourself what you need. This sounds simple and it truly can be when we let it. At the beginning, though, it may feel pretty awkward.

Think about it for a minute: how much were you taught to take care of yourself? Most of us weren’t. Instead, many lawyers have historically been taught to take care of others first. We are validated and praised when we set our feelings aside and focus on someone else’s needs.

Image showing the elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness

Most of these lessons aren’t intended to be taken in the extreme, but when they aren’t balanced by other teachings and practices they can become so. That’s why self-compassion cultivation is important and has been shown to be so powerful: it empowers us to strike a balance in caring for ourselves and others.

In some situations and after some practice, we may get pretty good at identifying our needs and honoring them. If you need some help, though, I recommend considering the basic human needs first. The acronym HALT for “hungry, angry, lonely, tired” is a basic and easy to memorize tool that can help you scan through the usual suspects of basic needs. For a more in-depth version of this, I like this list of needs from Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communication.

Conclusion

These are the three aspects of self-compassion, but knowing these aspects is just the first step. The next step is putting them into practice. Though it may feel awkward at first and you won’t always have the presence of mind to bring these steps to mind, I hope you can find ways to use them in your life and work. I have done so and it has helped me take care of myself and my community much better.

If you want to try some self-compassion practices, check out some of these guided meditations on our YouTube channel here:

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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