Mindfulness in Action - brilliantlegalmind.com

Why Lawyers Should Plan Fun for Mental Health

These days, part of being a lawyer is learning how to manage your mental health in a busy schedule. The last few weeks have been pretty hectic for me. Billable hours demands shot up rapidly. I had extra back to school meetings to attend for my kids. And I am still working through the final steps on my first novel.

In the midst of all of this, it can be hard to find time for fun and personal satisfaction. That’s why this post is about why lawyers should plan their fun and build it into their calendars.

Lawyers Are Too Busy Not to Plan Ahead

Lawyers are busy people and sometimes this can get in the way of planning fun things for ourselves. It’s easy to think of activities done purely for our personal enjoyment as non-priorities. After all, client demands, billable hours, and family obligations have big claims on our time and attention.

If this is taken to the extreme, though, lawyers will never make time for ourselves. It’s not like the obligations above truly ever stop. However, the only way to make them pause it to set personal boundaries.

In my experience, it’s not enough to set a weak boundary by merely setting a passive intention to make time for yourself. Instead, it works better to set a firm boundary by making real plans. This means, buying the tickets, marking the event on your calendar, and committing to plans with friends or loved ones.

As a young lawyer, I struggled with this a lot because I worried that I would get busy and have to break my plans. This may have happened once or twice over the years, but it was usually pretty rare. Why? Because lawyers manipulate schedules every day under time pressure to get the job done. If a conflict arose that threatened my big plans, I was usually able to navigate it.

Image with quote that says "Lawyers are busy. If we don't plan for fun, we may never have any."

Planning Ahead Means You Have Something Fun to Look Forward To

Now, you may be thinking that planning fun sounds like a lot of work in the calendar of a busy lawyer. You are right. But the effort is worth it. The other good news about planning ahead is that it gives you something to look forward to.

This is more important than you may realize. As an example, I have two concerts with my favorite singers coming up this week. I put these concerts on my personal and work calendars to make sure I got out of the office on time. Though that decision was practical, it had a nice side effect.

Every time I looked at my calendar to check a date for a hearing or deposition, I saw my reminder that the concerts were getting closer. Each time I saw this, I smiled and felt happy and excited.

My favorite time management expert, Laura Vanderkam, would say this is a great benefit of future planning. By doing this, we don’t just get to enjoy the event itself. Instead, we get to enjoy the anticipation as we look forward to it too.

For lawyers who have calendars that are often filled with things that are not happy or fun, the impact of this is huge. We can’t always control how our work days go, but with planning we can build in joy into our evenings and days off.

A Simple Way for Lawyers to Plan Their Fun

I’ll be honest. Though I generally love my law practice, there are certain aspects that are really stressful. One of the ways I have learned to cope with this what I call the “bookend” approach.

By this, I mean that where possible I sandwich difficult things on may calendar with good things. In most situations, I find it works best to start with prioritizing self-care and end with something fun or celebratory.

As an example, if I have a trial or hearing coming up I will prioritize my personal self-care routines as much as possible. For me, this of course means meditation, exercise, and sleep. In some situations, I may also prepare some meals ahead to give myself a break from trial prep and give myself one less chore at home during the week of trial.

Then, after the difficult period is over, I plan something nice for myself. Sometimes this is big and sometimes this is small. I may take the day off to go take a long hike or make plans to see a movie or a show. Or maybe I will just plan to cook a new recipe or make reservations at a great restaurant.

Image with quote that says "Planning fun things is important for lawyers. Having good things to look forward to boosts our mental health."

A Small Shift for More Fun

Now, some lawyers may be reading this and think “this is not earth shattering.” To be honest, that’s what I hope you think. Planning good things is really just part of a good life. If you are already doing this regularly, you may not need to do anything new or different.

As I mentioned, though, many lawyers don’t do this regularly or fall out of the habit of doing so. I was like that years ago, especially when my kids were little. It always felt like I had no energy and no time.

What I learned when I paid more attention, was that I had time but I needed to exert more agency over it. The big shift for me was the recognition that fun, relaxation, and new experiences were priorities.

After a few attempts, I saw that all the time and effort for fun experiences was well worth it. For example, though a concert might take time, travel, or keep me up past my bedtime, it also usually gave me an experience of community and memories I could not forget.

This strategy–planning fun things–is definitely a small shift, but it is one that can make a big difference for lawyers.

Go Make a Plan for Something Fun

I don’t argue that everything in life can or should be planned. Certainly, lawyers just like everyone else can use some time for surprises and spontaneity. But the truth is that busy people have to plan if they want to prioritize things that matter to them. Fun should matter to lawyers because’ it’s essential for our mental health. I hope this post helps you make more room in your calendar for fun. ‘

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

How Meditation Can Help Lawyers Manage Overthinking

I have written before that mindfulness meditation has helped me manage overthinking. But I haven’t yet talked about the steps I take to deal with a specific attack of rumination.

When I first started meditating, I had pretty severe issues with thoughts. I experienced racing thoughts on a regular basis. Sometimes I let them spiral so much that I literally sat frozen in fear, with no idea how to make it all stop.

After years of meditation, that has calmed down. I can see anxiety coming and catch it much earlier. Recently, I realized that a vague spinning of my mind with no clear thoughts was the initial phase of overthinking. When I see this arise, I know meditation is the answer.

Because overthinking is a common problem for lawyers, this post will walk through the meditation steps that help me deal with it.

Recognize Overthinking and Take Action to Stop It

I have written before that not every situation calls for mindfulness. Sometimes, too much energy or too many rapid thoughts mean I have to try something else. Even so, over the years I have come to see that there are many situations in which meditation really helps.

The calling card for me which says it’s time to sit is what I will call the “vague thinking mind.” This is when I can feel myself passively thinking but without a clear object. My mind feels like the spinning wheel that shows up on your laptop when it’s trying to load. At the same time, though, I can feel that I am not in a great mood and generally feel ill at ease.

These are admittedly subtle cues. It took me years to identify them. After years of mindfulness practice, I now know that it is phase 1 of an attack of anxiety and rumination. Though this process is largely mental, I have come to see that my thinking is a symptom of fear.

When my thoughts are nonspecific but won’t stop, that’s a clear sign my thinking is not useful or productive.

Meditation Can Calm the Mind without Digging into Thoughts

Lawyers may struggle with this next one. Instead of poking and prodding to try to make my thoughts make sense, it works a lot better to take a break from them. Of course, meditation does not mean we banish all of our thoughts. If you are new to mindfulness, you can’t expect to sit down and immediately have a spotless mind.

I, however, have been practicing for more than a decade. I know my mind very well. Though my mind used to be overactive in the past, it has now slowed down to bearable levels. In addition, I know that after a few minutes of breath focus, my mind will eventually cool it.

This gives me a chance to sit and rest for a moment. My once foggy brain suddenly feels clear. It stops spinning and I can see what’s really going on.

Notice here that I am not saying that I meditate and immediately ask myself what my deal is. I know this can be a difficult habit for lawyers to break. If you can, resist the urge to dig into the thoughts and put them under an internal microscope. I also don’t judge myself or tell myself to cut it out.

Instead, I give my mind another job to do – focus on the breath. That helps me calm down and take a rest from the spinning wheels.

Greet Your Emotions with Mindfulness

Have you ever been upset about a problem and it felt overwhelming? Then you calmed down and suddenly you could see how to fix it? Lawyers probably have a lot of experience with this. In much the same way, when I calm down in meditation I feel like I can handle things. In fact, I usually feel like I can handle almost anything that comes up.

There’s a simple word for this. It’s safety. When I meditate and calm down enough, I feel safe again. That safety gives me confidence.

With safety restored and the spinning wheel in my mind paused, I can parse through what is bugging me. Again, I don’t dig into this directly. My mind and body usually tell me what they need. They may supply thoughts or memories about something that has bothered me.

More likely than not, emotions may arise in my heart or belly. My years of practice serve me well here. I just sit with them and feel. This isn’t always pleasant but it doesn’t last too long. I let them come, deliver their message, and go.

As someone with anxiety, these emotions are usually some variety of fear. Sometimes loneliness, boredom, frustration, or sadness make an appearance.

Care for the Fear Underlying the Overthinking

Then I usually finish my sit with some form of heart (or kindness) practice. Most of the time it is a variety of loving-kindness. More recently, and especially with my episodes of anxiety thinking mind, I have focused a lot on compassion for myself.

I wish myself well, offering phrases like these:

May I experience belonging;
May I take care of myself;
May my suffering come to an end;
May I accept my own goodness; o
May I greet my life with joy;
May I ask for and accept help;
May I remember goodness; and
May I trust myself.

Sure, these phrases are soft and may seem awkward to many lawyers. They are vulnerable. Years ago, I probably wouldn’t have been brave enough to share them with anyone. But if you say these phrases to yourself enough, you start to believe them.

The long story short here is that I respond to my own emotions and all my mental worry with care. Instead of judgment, I respond with kindness. I don’t make myself false promises. These aren’t affirmations that life will always be rosy and my fears will never materialize.

Instead, they are restatements of my values and new commitments to them. In their own way, they are like a tiny plan b. If my worst fears do arise, how I will get through it? With kindness and trust in myself and by seeking out and accepting help from others.

Image listing the 4 steps to manage overthinking in meditation for lawyers as shared in this post

This Is How Meditation Can Help Lawyers Tend to Overthinking

This is how meditation helps me fight off overthinking. Sure, this takes some time and practice. Most of my mindfulness sessions are about thirty minutes. And I have practiced this for over a decade. But this time is usually well spent.

Not only do I get my mindfulness practice done for the day. I get to spend the rest of my time more clear-headed and less worried. This means I can engage more directly in whatever activities I have planned for the day. It also means I can be totally present for the good thing and joyful moments that arise.

If you are dealing with overthinking that is more intense, other strategies may be necessary before you can tolerate sitting meditation. That’s okay. If you give yourself time and patience, you eventually will be able to see the signs of anxiety and rumination earlier and earlier. And then you can figure out how meditation can support you best as you deal with it.

As a warning to the lawyers out there, the point here is not perfection. The point here is not to banish all thoughts. Instead, the point is to stay present in our lives with an open heart even though our minds struggle to cope with the reality of our lives. As this post shows, though, we can learn to do that and meditation can help.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

Understanding Boredom: How Mindfulness Can Help

I’ve been grappling with boredom recently. This may surprise you, but I hate being bored. Yes, I know I meditate daily and teach mindfulness. My role is to help other people face restlessness as they learn meditation.

But I have to be honest. Like most lawyers, I prefer being active and engaged. I want to be juggling many things. I like having a lot to do. When I don’t have enough stimulation, I struggle.

This is a common problem for many lawyers and professionals. The good news is that mindfulness can help. This post will explain what is going on when we are bored and offer a few steps to help you cope.

What Is Boredom?

Have you ever stopped to really take notice of what is happening when you’re bored? For most of us, the answer to this question is a clear “no.” Who would ever look closer when they feel restless?

The reason we don’t do this is that restlessness usually arises when we are sick of our present situation. For this reason, boredom can manifest is several ways. It can trigger anger, frustration, sadness, or even depression or low energy. All of these emotions arise to tell us we want a change–any change–from our present situation.

On the other hand, when we decide something is boring there is always a judgment. When we are bored, we have implicitly decided that a situation or pastime to be inadequate. The source of this alleged deficiency could be anything at all. Regardless of what it is, when you’re bored, there is some aversion to your current situation.

Recognize When Boredom Arises

The first step to dealing with restlessness is to recognize when it arises. Sometimes this is obvious. Sometimes it’s not. Most of us know the classic signs when we find things tedious. These can include fidgeting, distractibility, evasive behaviors, and even agitation.

We can also have more subtle reactions to being bored. This can be an issue for lawyers because we often deal with dry and tedious subjects at work. Some of us may train ourselves to not pay attention when we experience boredom.

Even though a situation without much going on seems like it should be safe to ignore, it’s not . Chronic boredom can lead to other problems, including mental health challenges, and risky behaviors. It can also be a symptom of bigger concerns.

Is Boredom Really Bad?

When you see that you are bored, the first thing you may want to do is seek out something more stimulating to do. If that’s an option, go ahead and take it as long as the activity is a safe and healthy one.

If your restlessness doesn’t dissipate so quickly, though, you may need to dig deeper. This may first require you to clarify what is making you feel bored. This may sound a sit silly but it’s a literal question. As I said earlier, when we feel bored we are implicitly judging a situation, task, or aspect of our lives. In doing so, we are assuming that something is wrong or bad.

But is it truly always bad when we encounter a situation that is less stimulating? To be honest, many lawyers (myself included) probably need a slower pace from time to time. Even so, we may not enjoy it when slower times arrive. This can be from habit, anxiety relating to productivity or billable hours, or any number of reasons.

So one really simple question to ask when you are bored is this: is it truly bad? In other words, separate the facts, the reality of less activity and stimulation, from the judgment that less stimulation is inherently bad.

Image with mindfulness check for lawyers about boredom which asks if a period of less stimulation or activity is truly a bad thing?

Can Lawyers Accept the Gift of Extra Time?

Boredom can be very hard for lawyers because our time is literally money. If things slow down at work, it can create real worries about financial issues and the health of our firms. Even so, law practice ebbs and flows just like other things in life. If we never slow down, that can create huge problems in our health, personal life, and eventually at work.

In periods where I have been bored, I have usually come to see those times as gifts. I won’t lie to you and tell you that I did so swiftly or gracefully. No, in general I have whined and complained for far too long until finally accepting that things were outside of my control.

When I did, though, I usually saw that the slow period was a great opportunity. It gave me a chance to focus on business development efforts, tackle projects I had put off at home, spend time with family, or cultivate hobbies that mattered to me like writing. Or perhaps the slowness was just a chance to catch up on much needed rest.

Taking advantage of the gift of time in this way is only possible when we let go of our judgments. In this way, at least bringing a sense of neutrality to the experience of boredom can help us move past it.

Let Go of Judgment to Identify the Real Issue

Sometimes, though, it isn’t enough to simply reframe a lack of stimulation as an opportunity. That’s because stimulation and activity are human needs. If in response to the question above about whether the situation is truly bad, your answer is “yes” then you should address the problem.

The good news is that taking the time to separate habitual reaction from practical need will help you do that. If your restlessness is a function of temporary preference, it may be easily resolved by simple patience.

When the situation lasts longer, you may have to evaluate personal needs and craft a plan for meeting them. This could mean having a conversation at work about tasks, work load and priorities. It could also mean looking at your personal life to consider whether you need to plan more engaging activities for yourself.

Either way, taking a closer look at boredom is what can help us determine how to meet our own needs. This can mean feeling the emotions that arise when we are bored and evaluating the circumstances that lead to restlessness. Doing these things can help us meet our own needs and address the culprit underlying our restlessness.

Boredom Is Tough for Lawyers but Mindfulness Can Help

Boredom is a challenging experience for lawyers since they are accustomed to being busy and engaged in life and work. Mindfulness can help us look closer at this tricky experience to learn about ourselves, meet our own needs, and cultivate comfort with a slower pace.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

How to Manage Doubt: Mindfulness Tips for Lawyers

As a mindfulness teacher, writer, and lawyer, I am no stranger to doubt. I used to regard it with fear and loathing. Now, I see it as my faithful friend. No matter what I do and how much I meditate, I can’t make doubt give up on me.

While that is oddly comforting in a way, it’s also super annoying. Even worse, this mental pattern of mine likes to show up at the worst possible times. If I am doing anything remotely challenging, new, or courageous, doubt chimes in at strategic moments to throw me off balance.

I’m currently working on finalizing the manuscript for my first work of fiction that I plan to publish later this year. Right on schedule, I had an attack of self-doubt this weekend.

Knowing that I am not alone with this mental habit and that my fellow lawyers share this trait, I will share the steps that I took to address my self-doubt attack.

Recognize When Doubt Arises.

Many of us know that naming emotions is really helpful. It can provide needed distance and clarity about our experience. This can help us avoid over-identifying with our fleeting emotional experiences.

This is essential for doubt. One problem with this state of mind is that it isn’t simple. Instead, doubt is a often a complex combination of emotions and thoughts. The emotions can distract, dis-empower, and stun us, while the thoughts pretend to the be the voice of reason.

As I have written before, though, doubt is a mental pattern that can rob us of motivation and courage when we need it most. This is why seeing doubt for what it is – as a mental pattern – can really help.

This may require patience to allow for sufficient time for self-investigation. However, I have come to learn that the feelings of fear, vulnerability, and overwhelm plus a series of despairing and negative thoughts are the calling cards of doubt for me. Another strong sign is that they usually show up when I about to do something meaningful, challenging, or innovative.

When I can name this melange of suckiness as doubt, I take the first step towards recovery. Though this doesn’t feel good, at least my guard is up and I know it’s time to fight back.

Image listing the 5 mindfulness tips to help lawyers handle doubt as shared in the blog post

Lawyers May Need a Self-Care Check.

Though I’m a lawyer, I’m still a mindfulness teacher. So when I say “fight back” I use that term metaphorically. As a younger and more foolish person, my doubt would sometimes prompt me to pick fights or argue to discharge the energy created by my fear.

My older, wiser self has learned that the better way to fight doubt is to disarm it. Instead of racing to discharge the fearful energy, I put it to good use by taking care of myself.

One of the most essential steps when it comes to doubt is to do a basic audit of my self-care needs. From experience, I know that doubt comes up for me when I feel overwhelmed, afraid, tired, or isolated. Most often this happens for practical reasons.

If I am working on a big project, I may not be sleeping well. I may also be skimping on social contact. Or I may be striving in pursuit of a goal and wearing myself out.

Returning to the basics of my self-care practices, including good nutrition, rest, exercise, and social support, helps put me in a better position to face whatever challenges come up in life. They also remind me that support and care, rather than force and pressure, are the best ways to achieve the goals I set for myself.

Don’t Face Doubt Alone.

If doubt were a person, it’s ride or die best friend would be shame. These two emotional besties have worked a number on me over the years. As an introvert who loves to overthink, they kept me on the ropes until I learned a tried and true strategy for driving a wedge between them.

That strategy is asking for help. Look, I know that lawyers and other professionals may hate doing this. As competent and highly skilled people, we may see ourselves as helpers. We may feel awkward and terrible when we have to “burden” someone else with our problems.

But here’s the thing. It’s hard to challenge doubt on your own. It’s even harder when shame jumps in and make you feel like you have to hide your feelings of vulnerability. One of the only ways to cut through this is to stop hiding by asking for help.

The biggest shift I have made to get over my attacks of self-doubt is that I now share my feelings with a friend, colleague or loved one. In the past, I used to try to deal with these emotions all on my own. Though meditation is a formidable tool, social support works better and faster.

Image sharing quote from the post which says "If doubt were a person, it's ride or die best friend would be shame. Drive a wedge between these emotional besties by getting help."

Engage Mindfulness and Allow Your Feelings.

Once you feel ready to face them, it also helps to just feel the feelings that come up with doubt. I suggest this after getting social support because these feelings can be overwhelming, but you can decide what works best for you.

Sometimes with doubt, there can be an inclination to ignore it or push it to the side. As I mentioned, these feelings can be dis-empowering and vulnerable. It can seem like they are getting in the way of our goals and the vision we have for our lives.

Even so, I have found it worthwhile to honor my feelings even when they are inconvenient and annoying. The most common way I do this is in my meditation practice where I have time and space to let the emotions rise, crescendo and fade away. Though this experience is often intense and unpleasant, I find that allowing them as they are inspires courage.

When I give myself a moment to feel fear, face anxiety, and wade through overwhelm, I remember that I am strong enough to hold all of these things. I also remember that none of these emotions last forever and that I can find calm, stability, and kindness again. Once I experience them and let them deliver whatever message they have for me, I can move on with my life.

Return to Your Place of Strength.

Another benefit of feeling emotions, even the tough ones, is that they help to clarify what matters most. As someone with anxiety, feelings of fear are common for me. I used to be afraid of these feelings until I finally flipped them on their head.

One magical day, I realized that a lot of my fear and anxiety was a confused way of expressing deep longing. I was often afraid of being alone or being judged, which signified my desire for connection. I was regularly anxious about making a mistake, which revealed my deep desire to produce good in the world and avoid harming others.

When I was able to feel the fear, I could finally see what was hiding beneath it. The things hiding there were my deepest values and the things I wanted most in life. These things didn’t make the fear and doubt go away, but they made my struggle worth it.

In other words, when doubt comes up, the answer isn’t to banish it away. The answer is not to pretend that it isn’t there. Instead, it works better to acknowledge that risk is inherent to life and connect with the values that make the risk feel worthwhile.

By reconnecting with our values and deep aspirations, we can find strength, motivation, and courage even in the face of doubt.

Picture of post author, mindfulness teacher, and lawyer Claire E. Parsons with quote "When I was able to feel the doubt, I could finally see what was hiding beneath it. The things hiding there were my deepest values and what I wanted most in life. This didn't make the fear and doubt go away, but they made my struggle worth it."

Doubt Is Challenging But Mindfulness Can Help You Face It.

Doubt is a common affliction for many lawyers and professionals, but it does not have to be something that holds you back. With mindfulness and self-compassion, you can learn how to recognize and care for yourself in the face of doubt. Doing so takes time, patience, and is best with social support. The good news is that it may also help you harness the strength, confidence, and motivation you need to keep pursuing goals and building the life you want.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

Easy Celebration Tips for Busy Lawyers

I teach and write about the importance of celebration for lawyers, all the time. But I’ll be honest, it can sometimes be hard to do. Last week, I finished a critical case and I was fortunate to have the chance to celebrate right away. It made a huge difference in my outlook and energy levels.

This experience reminded me how simple but essential celebration can be for lawyers. As a result, I decided to share my experience to show that celebration doesn’t have to be something that is time-consuming, expensive, or difficult. Instead, it can be a simple sharing of experience with colleagues.

If, like me, you struggle to celebrate all your achievements, to keep yourself motivated in your law practice. This post will identify why celebration is essential for lawyers and the key ingredients of a good celebration.

Why Is Celebration Important for Lawyers?

The reason that celebration is important for lawyers is the same reason that it is hard for us to do. Lawyers are busy people who deal with difficult things. Our work involves risky situations, stressful cases with clients, and a lot of time in the office. We may also feel pressure because so many other people depend on us.

So when a case ends or a deal is done, lawyers can forget to take the time to feel good about it. We may move on to the next case or just go home and rest, but we don’t look back. Instead, lawyers often keep looking forward.

Over time, this can mean that lawyers experience a lot of negative things without much balance. We devote our attention and energy to things that stress us out. But we may miss many of the good things that come along the way.

Celebration is essential to remind us that there are also good parts of law practice. We may have clients that we care about, people in our law firms that we enjoy, and staff and the team members who impress us. If we don’t take the time to celebrate, we don’t reap the rewards of all these beneficial aspects of work. Due to the negativity bias in the brain, lawyers need explicit reminders of good things like these.

What Was My Big Celebration?

You may be wondering what my big celebration was. In reality, it wasn’t that big at all. My practice group has weekly conference calls, where we all meet on Teams to discuss our cases and workload. Because it was the end of our busy season, one of the practice group leaders decided that we should all share a drink. Some of us chose to drink mocktails, and some of us actually had a cocktail.

Fortunately, the day of the event, the leaders sent out an email reminding us of the special occasion for this call. A few hours before it happened, I resolved a major case that had caused problems and stress for my practice and client. So of course, I decided to rush out and buy some champagne to celebrate with my colleagues on the call. And let me just say, it was a lot of fun. It made me feel good about my practice and close to my team. It made me realize that the struggles we go through as lawyers are worth it. It really made a difference to my energy levels and outlook.

Image with quote that says "Celebration is essential for lawyers for the same reason it is hard for us."

The Key Ingredients of the Celebration

You may be wondering what made this simple celebration so great? The key ingredients I have identified are as follows:

first, it was planned in advance,
second, it involved a shared experience, and
third, it included an element of fun
fourth, it did not require extra work.

These items are easy to comprehend but I will explain why each was so essential me and why it may matter to other lawyers.

1. Lawyers May Need to Plan to Celebrate

The first element, planning, matters because it shows it was a priority. Planning is also a practical necessity, so we could make a point to be there and participate. In addition, we were reminded of the event the day of, so we didn’t forget to do something special. This reminded everyone that celebration and connection with each other were important.

I know sometimes it feels odd to plan out a celebration or even a small time to connect with colleagues. While impromptu gatherings can be nice, it is not something that busy lawyers can rely on. Instead, people with busy calendars need a plan. If you prioritize celebration, show you value it by planning it out.

2. Celebration Requires a Shared Experience

The second element, the shared experience, is of course the most essential. Even though it is non-billable time, most of my team make the time to come to our practice group meetings. This is in part because we like to talk to each other and hear from each other. We work in separate offices across a few states and don’t always get to see each other face-to-face.

All of us can celebrate victories and wins and getting through difficult times by ourselves. Doing so in the practice group meeting meant we got to do it together, and that made it better. As much as lawyers are around people every day, let’s not forget that loneliness and isolation are common for us.

For this reason, any chance to bring lawyers together for real community is a good thing. This is why a shared experience is essential to celebration.

Image listing 4 essential ingredients of celebration for lawyers shared in the article

3. Celebration Should Be Fun

The third element, fun, should also not be overlooked. Fun had to be added in this situation, because if it wasn’t, it would just be another practice group call. If we didn’t add something fun, it wouldn’t be special. It would be another work meeting and not a celebration. In this case, the drink made the call more fun and took it in the realm of celebration.

I have written about alcohol before, and so we had to make sure that the cocktail element didn’t overshadow the intent. For this reason, I was glad the group did not put pressure on anyone to participate in a way that was not fun for them. The leaders in my group did this by telling everyone the could bring a cocktail or mocktail as their drink.

Regardless of whether their drink contained alcohol, everyone had fun with their drinks. Some even came up with creative names for their drinks or used a special glass. I decided to add a personal charcuterie board to my champagne. Everyone had a good time explaining whatever they chose to drink.

The point here is that celebration needs to be fun. Do something a little different or special to note the occasion and lighten the mood and it can turn a meeting into a celebration.

4. Lawyers Don’t Have Time for Extra Work

The fourth element: it did not require extra work. No one had to prepare anything or make time for an extra meeting on their calendar. Instead, we used the time already available and just decided to dedicate some of it to celebration. This increased the chances that we could all participate and really celebrate the occasion.

Sometimes law firms and companies get into trouble because they try to do celebratory events, which require a lot of work from their employees. Sometimes this effort is worth it, and sometimes it is not. When you’re planning celebrations at your office, be sure that it isn’t forced fun. Make it real fun that doesn’t require too much work or force participation at the detriment of the people who will enjoy it.

Celebration Should Be a Habit for Lawyers Instead of a Rarity

Here is my big point with this post. I shared this simple experience about a celebration for at work to show how simple it can be. Sometimes lawyers don’t celebrate because we think we’re too busy, and we think we don’t have the energy. This post shares an example of a way to celebrate with other lawyers in the office that doesn’t take extra time or extra work.

Of course, lawyers may not be able to celebrate every tiny thing or do it every day. But if we keep these tips in mind, we can make celebration a regular occurrence in our places of work and lives. And the more we make connection, happiness, joy a priority, the happier and healthier we may become.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

Tiny Steps: Celebrating Milestones in Writing My First Novel

Image of typewriter with discarded drafts, eyeglasses, pencils, and a cup of coffee and title of blog post "Tiny Steps: Celebrating Milestones in Writing My First Novel"

Sometimes I have to remind myself that big projects come down to completing a million tiny steps. As I have shared before, I am working on a new book. It’s my first novel. My update is that I have finally settled on a title.

I will share that at the end to keep you in suspense. But for now, I am taking a moment to celebrate the milestone. The writing of this book has been much slower, and in some ways harder, than my first book. I keep finding that I need ways to motivate myself.

A Novel Is Written in a Series of Small Steps

So, today I am sharing a post about the importance of small steps. This is something that you would expect a mindfulness teacher to say. A meditation practice starts with a single breath. If you get off track, I teach that you just need to bring yourself back.

This same approach has been serving me well with this book. It took me over two years to write it and I had to keep letting the story come out, paragraph by paragraph.

I finally decided to publish the book earlier this year at a time when my law practice did not feel so busy. By the time that plan was up and running, so were all my cases. This means that I have had to literally find some stolen moments to do a Zoom call with my coach, read the feedback from beta readers, or fill out the form for my book cover.

Life Gets in the Way but I Keep on Writing

The good news is that this is very much like meditation. I keep getting distracted by other things in life and having to drag my attention back, even if only for a few moments.

Of course, this is hard and frustrating. Even though I love writing and enjoy learning about writing fiction, I’d be lying if I pretended there wasn’t a little voice of doubt that asked “what if you just quit? Would anyone care?”

More good news. Meditation has made me old friends with my doubt complex. This means that I am usually pretty good at seeing these inner questions as doubt, which is helpful in itself. Seeing doubt for what it is helps me avoid the trap of believing it.

Doubt Is an Invitation to Remember What Matters

Instead, I use it as an opportunity to recommit by answering the questions that doubt asks me. What if I just quit? Well, of course, the world would not end. Most other people would not notice or would be too polite to say anything. But I would know. I would care. I would be sad that I didn’t finish the project.

This is a long way of reminding myself that someone cares. It’s a long way of remembering that I care. I didn’t decide to write the book for approval. I decided to write it because I wanted to see where it would lead. After all this time and lots of frustration, I am still curious to see where it will lead.

And so I keep looking for an extra few minutes here and there. I have committed myself again to finalizing the editing this summer so I can publish by the end of the year. It is sometimes hard to make myself take each of the tiny steps.

Milestones Build Momentum for Writing Success

Even so, the milestones are racking up. I am starting to see a clearer vision of how this book will come together. Now I have a title, a foreword, the beginnings of a cover, and some good feedback to guide my editing. Even more significantly, I also have some friends, a coach, and an editor to cheer me on and answer my questions when I am stuck.

By the end of this year, you will be able to read my second book called A New Year’s Present. It is a mindfulness fable for lawyers inspired by A Christmas Carol. I can’t wait to to see how it turns out and I hope you can’t wait to read it.

Picture of book with title of my first novel "A New Year's Present" by Claire E. Parsons

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

Cultivating Equanimity: A Lawyer’s Guide to Feedback

I have had a few encounters with feedback recently. Most lawyers (and most people for that matter) have a love-hate relationship with feedback. We know we need it to learn and grow, but actually hearing it can be a double-edge sword.

When an appraisal is positive, we may feel proud and feel validated. But when the assessment is middling to negative, we can feel deflated, defeated, and hurt.

Can mindfulness help lawyers navigate receiving feedback? You bet. This post will explain how and offer some steps to help you implement it for yourself.

Feedback and The Eight Worldly Winds

Feedback seems like a fact of modern life. Even if you aren’t looking for a rating of yourself, you may find it by doing the most basic things. Most lawyers have LinkedIn profiles that allow others to recommend them. If you avoid LinkedIn, you probably still use some social media that allows people to rate how they like your posts or comments.

This constant evaluation can be troubling for sure, but it isn’t new. In fact, humans have always rated, judged, and reacted to each other. If you doubt me, you might consider the Buddhist teachings on the eight worldly winds.

These include:

Praise and blame
Gain and loss
Pleasure and pain
Success and failure

Of course, these are the manifestations of impermanence in everyday life. Good things come and go and so do bad things. Nothing lasts forever, they each blow around us, much like the wind.

Cultivating Equanimity Helps

To say that these things are “like the wind” is not to suggest that we can simply ignore them. Sure, we may not notice when a gentle breeze rolls by, but any of us can get knocked or slowed down by a storm or hefty gust.

And that’s the point of the teaching of the eight worldly winds: we can’t control them but we can learn how to live with them. The way to live with these worldly winds of life is equanimity. For more on this as applied to giving and receiving feedback, check out the book Confidence by Ethan Nichtern.

Equanimity is a trait that implies relative stability and calm amidst changing circumstances. It does not mean apathy or numbness. Instead, it means acceptance and skillful navigation through pleasant, neutral, and difficult situations.

Part of the skill here, though, can be hard but essential to learn. That part is clinging or resistance. Most people, including us lawyers, usually cling to the pleasant things but resist the bad things.

Image listing 4 mindful steps
to help lawyers accept feedback with equanimity as shared in the blog post

Why Feedback Is Hard for Lawyers

This is where feedback can be challenging. Even though many of us claim to be above such things, most lawyers care deeply about our reputations and social status. There is good reason for this too. Our reputations matter to the success of our law practices and can even affect our ability to serve our clients.

As a result, it is only natural that lawyers would crave, cling to and strive for positive ratings of our performance or character. On the other hand, we will also dislike, actively avoid, and resist negative evaluations. Or we may try to block all these feelings and live with a buried sense of imposter syndrome.

Given this, it may sound unattainable that any lawyer could ever bring a sense of equanimity to getting feedback. But the truth is that we can build this trait, just like we can build the traits of mindfulness and compassion.

Steps for Responding to Feedback with Equanimity

As I have written before, meditation practice goes a long way in cultivating the trait of equanimity. Every time you bring your wandering mind back to the breath or pause before scratching an itch, you are building patience. In each tiny moment like this, you are creating equanimity by choosing to not react in a huge way to every issue that comes along.

Even so, some types of feedback may require a bit more attention and skill. After years of meditation, I am the first to say that feedback still can get to me. All of us may need a framework to help us navigate reviews, ratings and assessments of ourselves with kindness and skill. Here are the steps that help me.

1. Don’t Argue or Gush

Because feedback is so likely to activate our egos, one of the easiest ways to get stuck with it is by arguing with or wallowing in it. Negative ratings may push us to argue the facts underlying it or challenge the intent or credibility of the reviewer. Positive ratings may have the opposite effect, causing us to obsess and puff up the meaning or importance of the assessment.

This is why one of the best ways to promote equanimity and your own sanity is to just receive the feedback for exactly what it is. Don’t add on to it or try to diminish it unfairly. As much as you can, just hear it or see it for what it is.

2. Allow Your Feelings

Of course, receiving feedback is bound to produce feelings. Equanimity does not mean blocking or resisting your feelings. Far from it. True equanimity means accepting your feelings for what they are. That means giving yourself the time and space you need to allow your feelings without doing violence to yourself or others.

That means you can feel hurt or angry or defensive when you receive a negative rating. It also means you are allowed to feel happy, grateful, and proud when someone praises you or your performance.

The important thing to understand, though, is that these feelings, like all feelings, are temporary. Let them come and let them go and recognize that no amount of good or bad feedback will make any feelings last forever.

Image with quote from blog post that says "Mindfulness is not a magic pill that can make the worldly winds of life go away. But with time and practice, it may help you cultivate equanimity an essential trait for navigating ups and downs in life and work."

3. Keep Perspective

Another thing that makes feedback challenging is that we don’t always request or consent to it. To make things worse, much of the feedback we receive may be offered thoughtlessly or unskillfully.

As I mentioned, lawyers may be subject to many kinds of feedback that are brief, perfunctory, and casual. Even when an evaluation is more thorough and well thought out, it still remains a singular data point rather than a final referendum on our character. One of the ways that we can help ourselves not get hooked with every rating or review is to keep them in perspective.

Primarily, I do this by putting it in a context by considering the following factors:

Was the feedback relevant, timely, and offered with good intent?
Did I explicitly or implicitly request the assessment?
Did the review provide useful and practical information or did it appear to rate me as a person?
Was the assessment consistent with other assessments I have received or was it an outlier?
Would I provide feedback like the rating I received to someone whose growth and development mattered to me?

This is a rough outline of questions that help me put feedback in perspective. More “yes” answers to these questions suggest feedback that deserves more of my attention. If I answer most or all of the questions in the negative, that is a strong sign I just need to move on and let go.

4. Learn What You Can and Move On

Even though they can challenge us, evaluations from others really can help us learn and grow. In truth, not everyone will tell you what they really think. This is why, most of the time, feedback can be valuable even if we have to take it with a large grain of salt.

For this reason, the last step before moving on is take whatever lessons you can from the evaluation. With skillfully offered feedback that you have requested, this may be easy. You may get practical ideas about how to adjust or improve.

For ratings that are more generic or less skillful, the lesson may be as simple as slow down, choose your words carefully, or you can’t please everyone. In short, if there is a message in the feedback that you need to hear, take it, reflect on it, and then move on.

Conclusion

In the end, there is no secret recipe for being unbothered and unaffected when lawyers get feedback. That’s because mindfulness practice is not about checking out on life, but being more present in it. All of us are wired to crave praise and resist and reject blame. We want people to like us and think well of us and we don’t want them to tell us negative information about ourselves or our performance.

Mindfulness is not a magic pill that can make the worldly winds of life go away. But with time and practice, it may help you cultivate equanimity an essential trait for navigating ups and downs in life and work. By using the steps offered in this post, I hope you can bring equanimity to your next encounter with feedback.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

How to Accept a Lack of Control: Mindfulness for Lawyers

Acceptance is one of the hardest aspects of mindfulness training for lawyers to learn. Or at least this has been the hardest part for me. Many lawyers, myself included, are control freaks and for good reason.

Attorneys have immense power to shape the destiny for clients. You can solve a problem with a phone call. You can craft a strategy that may protect your client’s life, family, or business. You have specialized training and experience that positions you to see subtle things that others miss.

Inevitably, though, situations arise in which your control is limited. This can be shocking, frustrating, and painful for lawyers. The good news is that mindfulness practice is directed at helping us accept things in life we cannot control. This post explains how.

Breathe and pause

When lawyers face a situation beyond our control, it can trigger a variety of emotional responses. We may feel frustration, imposter syndrome, overwhelm, helplessness, or anxiety. We may worry what our clients or firm will think and feel like we are letting everyone down.

These experiences are challenging in themselves, but more significantly can derail our legal strategy if they are left unchecked. Ever seen a fellow lawyer react emotionally and make unforced errors as a result? As a litigator, I have seen this too many times.

The first step for dealing with a lack of control as a lawyer is to take a pause. When you notice the emotions rising, in the form of body tension, heat in your face and neck, or rapid spiraling thoughts, stop what you are doing.

Take a few moments to sit. If you have a mindfulness practice, using a mindfulness practice, such as breath focus, may also help. Notice that you are escalated and take some time to soothe yourself and calm down. If you are very escalated, a walk or mindful movement practice may help too.

Allow your feelings

Once you have calmed down sufficiently, the next step is to allow your feelings. When lawyers confront a lack of control in our cases, it can sometimes raise an inconvenient secondary problem: a lack of control over our emotions.

The thing is, though, that emotions aren’t really things we are supposed to control. From the perspective of mindfulness, we can’t force ourselves to feel any certain way or to stay calm and never feel at all.

Instead, the better approach is to honor our emotions so we can understand the wisdom they have to offer. The key is to do this without letting them force us into harmful actions.

Practices to Help Lawyers Allow Emotions

To that end, when emotions arise for lawyers, it is important to learn to allow them in a safe and kind way. One approach that works for me is to simply feel them in the body. Usually when I can do this, I can recognize the emotion better and keep my mind from spiraling too much.

Another great approach is to use a practice like RAIN that can help you allow and investigate emotions calmly. If I am struggling with self-judgment about my emotions, I invoke the self-compassion step common humanity to remind myself that all lawyers experience difficulties in cases from time to time.

For complex emotions, you may need some additional time to reflect, seek help from friends, or even write to understand how you feel. Though this step can be hard to do, it is one that can help lawyers care for themselves while maintaining stability in a challenging situation.

Image that shares the four mindfulness steps to help lawyers accept a lack of control that were shared in the article

Reflect on past experiences

When lawyers face a lack of control in our cases, our own emotions are only half of the problem. Even once we have returned to calm, we still have to craft a strategy for continuing to serve our clients in the midst of a complex situation.

One problem that can arise when you approach the limits on your control as a lawyer is that your mind may begin spinning false stories. It may tell you that the situation is hopeless. It may shame you or attempt to blame others. It can get stuck in outrage and scheming about revenge.

The antidote to this that works for me is to remember my past experiences. As a seasoned lawyer, I am fortunate (or unfortunate?) to have a collection of memories where my own control was limited in past cases. And you know what? My clients and I got through those situations just fine.

In many ways, law practice is about being flexible enough to navigate situations with clients in rapidly changing circumstances. Reflecting on past times where I did this successfully helps me remember how creative, resourceful, and resilient I am when needed. It inspires hope, determination, and calm.

For newer lawyers who don’t have a ready bank of memories like this, it may help instead to seek counsel and support from more experienced lawyers. Another option that I sometimes use is to look to stories from other inspirational lawyers from contemporary times or history.

Shift Attention to What You Can Control

Lawyers sometimes misunderstand what “acceptance” means in the context of mindfulness practice. People misinterpret it frequently to mean resignation, apathy, or giving up. While in some ways, surrender is a part of acceptance that does not mean succumbing to helplessness.

Wisdom and discernment are also part of acceptance. Sure, acceptance in law practice means truly acknowledging that there are some aspects of our client matters that we cannot control.

Lawyers can’t control what a judge, hearing officer, or other party does. In some situations, we can’t even control our clients. The best we can do is counsel and advise, but clients ultimately make their own choices.

But the fact of limits on our control does not mean that we have no control. When we accept a lack of control in one area, the good news is that it allows us to direct our attention more specifically to what we can control.

Image with definition of "acceptance" shared in the article which is "A mindfulness concept lawyers often misunderstand to mean resignation, apathy, or giving up. It includes wise and discerning surrender to present facts with the aim of identifying and refocusing attention and effort on things within one’s control."

How to Shift Attention to What You Can Control

This for lawyers is the gold buried underneath all the angst that a lack of control creates. When we can wade through the frustration, anxiety, and anger, we can see more clearly that we still have some power.

Shifting attention to what we can control as a lawyers is how we reclaim that power. In my opinion, this is the space where we can offer the most value to clients. Though there are roadblocks, we may recall the things still within our power to move through or around those roadblocks.

Some ways to do this include answering questions like this:

What is the best strategy I can create to navigate the setback in this case?
What things are still within my power to help and guide my client?
What resources, including other staff, are within my power to help and guide my client?
Assuming I could still achieve a great result for my client despite the difficulty so far, how might I achieve it?
What unique skills, traits, or assets do I have as a lawyer to help my client in this situation?

A Lack of Control Is Not Easy to Accept but It Is Essential to Learn

Let’s face it. Lawyers will never enjoy it when they encounter a lack of control in their cases. Mindfulness practices, however, can help us find acceptance and peace in navigating such situations for our clients. By learning take a pause, honor our emotions, reflect on our values and experience, lawyers can return their focus to the things within their control. This can help us find stability and the courage to offer value to our clients in the times when it is needed most.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

Mindfulness Insights for Lawyers from the Latest Podcast

Lawyers can learn a lot about mindfulness from reading. I wouldn’t have started this blog if that weren’t true. But there really is no substitute for good conversations when it comes to learning how mindfulness really works. That’s why I am thrilled this week to share the latest podcast interview I did.

Odette Ansell is a lawyer in Canada and she started the Non-Billable Hours Podcast to share wisdom about how lawyers can craft thriving lives. I sat down with her recently to talk about my mindfulness practice and how it has supported my law practice over the years.

I really like the episode and not just because Odette made it fun and let me talk about my next book. What I liked most was that her questions really helped me explain how mindfulness practice works for lawyers. Here are a few of the highlights.

Lawyers Can Start a Mindfulness Practice at One Minute a Day

Most podcast interviews asked me how I got into mindfulness. Because the interviewer for this podcast was another lawyer, she asked me about the details of my practice. In the interview, I shared that I started meditating at one minute a day.

This is absolutely true because it was all I could tolerate at the time. This is also the way I teach mindfulness to other lawyers now. I stress the importance of starting small. In addition, I teach the one-minute method in my first book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer.

The biggest impediment to regular meditation practice for most lawyers, myself included, is lack of time. But in the midst of such business we often assume that small amounts of time don’t make a difference.

As I explain in the podcast, starting small has many advantages. And the reality is that even small practices done over time can change our lives. When it comes to meditation, it definitely changed mine.

Image of Claire E. Parsons with quote from the podcast interview about mindfulness for lawyers that says "You can't solve anxiety by thinking."

How Mindfulness Helps with Anxiety

One of my favorite parts of the interview was when Odette and I talked about mindfulness and anxiety. It took me years to face my own anxiety because I believed for too long in the power of my own thinking.

Many lawyers find themselves in this same problem. We are smart people and thinking solves many problems for us. So, when we get scared about something, it is only logical to use the skill we know so well, right?

Though it was painful for me to see this, I ultimately learned the truth. As I shared on the podcast, anxiety is not something you can really solve with thinking. In fact, sometimes the thinking makes it worse. As I experienced, trying to solve anxiety with thinking just led to unhealthy overthinking.

Instead, what has helped me more is letting myself feel the fear behind the anxiety. Truly this means feeling the physical sensations because emotions often register in the body. Then I can care for the emotions and employ self-compassion. It’s only then that my thinking becomes clearer and more helpful.

Mindfulness and Facing “What If” Questions

Another favorite part of the interview was when Odette asked me about the dreaded “what if” questions that arise for lawyers. She shared a worry about appearing before a strict judge and most lawyers can resonate with that.

The strategy I shared in the interview was to answer the “what if” question instead of fearing it. As I wrote here when I faced anxiety with public speaking, it can help to get super practical about these questions.

Sometimes we ask ourselves these “what if” questions as if it’s game over if one thing goes wrong. That’s almost never true. In truth, we sometimes can entertain these worrisome thoughts and forget that lawyers are trained problem solvers.

As I have written before, it can sometimes help to “quantify the suck.” If I am calm enough to think practically, this means I answer the “what if” questions and think through what I would actually do if the worst happened. When I am practical, this reminds me that I have skills, resilience, and people who can help me if I need it.

Image that says "Anxiety Tip: if you are calm enough to be practical, just answer the 'what if' question. This can help you remember that you are creative, resilient, and have people who can help you."

Simple Ways for Lawyers to Start Meditation

To end the interview, Odette asked me how lawyers can get started with mindfulness. I shared in the interview that lawyers should not feel like they have to be “true believers” to get started. In fact, skepticism about meditation can sometimes be a blessing when it is held in moderation.

Even so, lawyers have to practice meditation to get benefits from it. To that end, I recommended that lawyers do what they can to make the practice pleasant. As I shared in the interview, difficulty in meditation practice is how we build skills and grow. This is good because it means we shouldn’t stress about making our practice perfect.

On the other hand, though, if you enjoy meditation practice it is much more likely that you will want to do it consistently. For those lawyers new to meditation practice, it really helps to be easy and gentle with oneself. This can include some time sitting outside on a nice day or even a movement practice like walking meditation.

How to Listen to the Podcast Episode

If you want to listen to the podcast episode, you have several options. You can listen to it here on:

Or you can you can listen to it on YouTube here.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

Mindfulness and Grief: Finding Peace in Loss

The last week was filled with grief for me because my dog of nearly 16 years passed away. She was very old and ill, and we had to put her down. I had never had to euthanize a pet before so this was even more challenging. Looking back, I saw the many ways that my mindfulness practice helped me get through it.

Grief is a part of life for all of us at some point. It can be a hard thing for lawyers to experience because the emotion often comes with a huge lack of control. There is no way to make grief easy, but I experienced this week that mindfulness can help us avoid making it worse.

Here are the things I noticed this week as I let my mindfulness training help me work my way through grief.

Mindfulness Can Help You Not Make Grief Worse

As I sat with my scared sick dog in the vet’s office, I was pretty sad and scared too. And you know what? That was a perfectly appropriate response to the situation.

Mindfulness isn’t about trying to turn situations into ones that we would prefer. Instead, it is about accepting how things are. I was sad in that moment because it was a sad moment. The good news, as I experienced, was that I didn’t make it worse by trying to pretend.

As we all know, sadness is not a pleasant emotion. But from experience I can say that it feels better than being sad and trying to pretend I am not. Sadness also feels better than being sad and ignoring reality or resisting my feelings.

Acceptance is perhaps the hardest part of mindfulness to learn because it means we have to confront the parts of life that we may not like. The gold on the other side, though, is that we get to see and feel the peace that comes with not making things worse.

Image with quote from blog post about mindfulness and grief that says "Sadness is not a pleasant emotion, but it feels better than being sad and trying to pretend I am not."

Mindfulness Can Help You Avoid Overwhelm

Another reason mindfulness helps with grief is that it can help you manage overwhelm. Sometimes when grief comes, we don’t have any choice but to be overwhelmed. Of course, nobody should fault themselves for feeling that way either.

In my situation, though, I really needed to avoid overwhelm because I wanted to stay as steady as possible to help my dog. As sad as the situation was for me, it was much scarier for her. In addition, I was her person. She had bonded to me and so I wanted to be a support for her.

As I sat in the vet’s office holding my dog, tears and sadness came. But I used my breath to ground and soothe myself. I kept my attention in my body, feeling the weight of her body on me as I waited. The situation was sad but I was able to stay in my window of tolerance as I experienced it. This helped me help my dog as I faced what I needed to face without overwhelm.

Responding to Grief with Kindness

One of the important ways that mindfulness can help us avoid overwhelm is that it isn’t just training clear awareness but kind awareness. In times of difficulty in mindfulness practice, we train the skill of responding to ourselves with care and concern instead of judgment and criticism.

This kindness helps us see clearly and opens the possibility for us to take wise and skillful actions. As I sat in the vet’s office with little control in a sad situation, kindness came out automatically.

I tried to support my husband and let him support me during the experience. As I mentioned, I was focused primarily on reducing my dog’s fear and pain. And I showed appreciation for the staff at the vet’s office and let their show of kindness affect me.

The hard reality is that kindness does not fix all problems. Kindness didn’t make the situation less sad, but it did make it bearable. In that hard moment, I was glad that I and the others in the room responded to the grief with kindness.

Image with quote from blog post about mindfulness and grief that says "Kindness does not fix all problems, but it can help to make a hard situation bearable. "

Remembering the Good Supports Equanimity

When I first started exploring mindfulness, I was confused about equanimity. In times of grief, the idea of equanimity – not being thrown off balance – feels like it doesn’t make sense. How can we be nonreactive in a situation where we are clearly sad?

Years of practice have helped me see the equanimity does not mean that we don’t feel things deeply. Instead, it means that we can allow ourselves to just feel. By this, I means we can feel how we feel without attaching more onto it, blocking it, or clinging to it.

One way that I find equanimity in challenging times is by coming back to the things and people in my life that are good. In times of grief, this can be hard. Sometimes sadness can make us want to stay sad or reach for things that are sad.

As I left the vet’s office, though, I couldn’t help but see the good in the situation. My dog had died, but she had lived a very long and mostly healthy life. She died surrounded by her family and caring medical providers and she was not in pain long.

This recognition helped me see that this sad situation, like so many others in life, was also infused with joy, kindness, and good memories. In hard times, remembering the good is essential. I was glad my mindfulness practice helped me remember it on that sad day.

Mindfulness Practice Cultivates Kind Attention When You Need It Most

By no means can a blog post with a few points about mindfulness wave grief away like a magic wand. And I don’t claim that mindfulness practice can do that either. But it can help. Sometimes during hard times, even a little bit of help and a little bit of kind attention can go a long way. With mindfulness practice, you can cultivate kind attention so it is there for you when you need it most.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media: