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Which Self-Compassion Book Is Better for Lawyers?

I write about self-compassion a lot because it is one of the most rewarding shifts I have made in my life and law practice. From speaking to and teaching lawyers about mindfulness for years now, I also know that self-compassion is an area of opportunity for many of us.

If you are interested in this topic, you start Googling or searching on Amazon for resources to explore self-compassion further. Doing this is likely to direct you to two prominent names in the field of self-compassion cultivation: Kristin Neff and Chris Germer.

Neff and Germer teamed up to create the popular, accessible, and effective program Mindful Self-Compassion which I reviewed previously. They also have books under their own name on the topic of self-compassion. Neff’s is Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself and Germer’s is The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion.

Which one is best? As a lawyer, I can’t resist saying “it depends” but I can also offer some analysis here to help you decide.

How they Are Different

As I discuss below, both books have a lot in common. I don’t truly think you can go wrong reading either and there are benefits of reading both. Even so, they do have a few critical differences.

Perspective of a Clinician v. a Researcher

The most obvious difference between the two books is the perspective from which they were written. Germer is a clinician while Neff is a researcher. As such, Germer focuses far more on the practices to cultivate self-compassion, while Neff focused on the research. Likewise, Germer relies on more examples from working with patients. Neff offers more examples from studies she has conducted of reviewed.

Male v. Female

Another important difference is that Germer is male and Neff is female. This does not always matter for every book, but when it comes to self-compassion men and women may for cultural reason face different challenges. As a male, Germer speaks more to his experience as a husband and father. On the other hand, Neff shares about the challenges of being a woman professional and her experience with motherhood.

Voice

Although both books cover substantially similar material, the voice of the two authors may be the biggest area of difference. Germer’s voice is down-to-earth, practical, direct, and analytical. This isn’t to say it is hard-charging by any means, and certainly not compared to the content most lawyers read. But, as a left brained person myself, I prefer this style and many lawyers or professionals may feel more at ease with it.

In contrast, Neff’s style is soft, warm, and intimate. She shares her personal experiences more often than Germer does and offers less explanations of the practices. Even her arguments regarding the meaning of the various studies on self-compassion don’t feel like arguments. This is most likely an intentional choice to help readers who struggle with self-compassion open their minds to it.

A comparison of Chris Germer's and Kristin Neff's books on self-compassion so lawyers can pick which is best for them.

How Are They Similar

Despite all of these differences, Neff and Germer’s books are very similar. They have worked together and both addressed different aspects of self-compassion. This is one reason why you can’t go wrong with either book. They both offer:

Explanations of what self-compassion is and what it is not;
Strategies to help readers cultivate self-compassion
Ideas for removing barriers to self-compassion;
Explain the role of mindfulness in self-compassion cultivation;
Analysis of the research regarding self-compassion; and
Arguments that debunk myths about self-compassion.

Conclusion

In truth, I like both of the books and think any reader could benefit from either. I have a slight personal affinity for Germer’s book, since it appeals to my direct, practical and analytical personality. However, as a working mom and special education attorney, I certainly appreciated Neff’s decision to share her story, including caring for son after his diagnosis with an autism spectrum disorder.

In case you need a clear conclusion, though, I will say that Neff’s work may be ideal if you really need convincing that self-compassion is worth it. This is a reality for many lawyers and there’s nobody better to convince you on the power of self-compassion than someone who has researched it for years.

On the other hand, if you need more tools to internalize self-compassion and implement it in your life, Germer’s book is the way to go. Germer’s down-to-earth writing style and lived experienced a clinician may be a great tool to help you build self-compassion in your own life and work.

A conclusion with book reviews of Germer's and Neff's books on self-compassion.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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How to Disrupt the Habit of Beating Yourself Up

This is the line I often hear when I present about self-compassion: I know that it’s better to be kind to myself but I just can’t do it. People, especially lawyers, tell me that the habit of criticizing themselves is so ingrained that they see it as a part of their character.

This is a common struggle and I have personally experienced how painful it can be. Though it can indeed be a challenge, it is possible to change even well-established habits like self-criticism over time. I know because I have done it.

Beating Yourself Up Is a Habit.

I started meditating a decade ago after I developed postpartum depression following the birth of my first daughter. It took me years to understand the situation but I eventually realized that my problem was a persistent failure to comfort myself. Thus, looking back on my life, I now see that my instances of depression occurred, in part, because I had a limited ability to handle setbacks.

After stabilizing with therapy and medication, meditation helped me address the root cause of the problem because I started to change my inner voice and the way I responded to difficulty. Where I used to attack and criticize myself, meditation helped me see hardship as a part of life and learn to care for myself through it. This didn’t make life perfect, but it made the hard aspects of life a lot less hard.

This experience shows that self-compassion isn’t a character trait, but instead a habit or a skill that can be cultivated with practice. Research shows that I am right too. Here are five strategies that can help you disrupt your self-criticism habit to build the skill of self-compassion.

Reframe Self-Criticism as a Habit

The first step to changing the habit of beating yourself up is to accept it as a habit. Many people are so accustomed to being hard on themselves that they may see this as something they can’t change. Mindfulness practice may help you see that identity is not a static thing. Instead, it is often the product of our habits.

Thus, a small thing you can do to start treating yourself more kindly, is to start viewing your treatment of yourself as a behavior. Instead of seeing it as a manifestation of who you are, see it as a thing you do. Notice when it arises, consider where and how the behavior emerged, and then ask is it helping your or hurting you now?

Pause and Notice How You Feel

This leads right into the next step. How do you know if beating yourself up is helping you or hurting you? One way is to notice how it feels when you do it. Lots of people think that they can’t unwind the habit of self-criticism because they notice how often they beat themselves up.

In reality, this noticing is a great start. Even if you intend to try a gentler approach, the odds are that you will eventually slip up and berate yourself. Don’t add on by berating yourself about that mistake. Instead, notice the words are that are coming to your mind or out of your head. Notice how it makes you feel. Notice what it makes you want to do.

Seeing the impact of our habits is what gives us the power to evaluate whether they are serving us or not. As hard as it is, noticing exactly what occurs when we beat ourselves up may be a first step to letting go of the habit.

Practice Makes Perfect.

Even if you know nothing about self-compassion, meditation may help you cultivate it for a fundamental reason. Anyone who meditates knows that the mind will wander or get lost in thought. The nearly universal instruction for responding to this is to gently return your attention back to the breath or other focal point.

This gentle redirection, practiced over and over again, cultivates self-compassion. In fact, when I teach compassion I describe as “sneaky self-compassion” because it can happen without much effort and transform your inner voice subtly over time.

The good news, of course, is that this sneaky self-compassion can be practiced outside of meditation too. If you do anything moderately challenging and repetitive, you can use this gentle redirection approach to cultivate self-compassion and enjoy your pastime better.

Best Friend Test.

Now, I bet you are wondering if I still think self-compassion is the way to go even when you make a mistake or act badly. In fact, I think self-compassion is most important in times like those even though it also the most challenging.

When you screw up or act in a way that is not aligned with your values, self-compassion will not come naturally. Your brain very likely will go into self-judgment mode before you can stop it. When you see this happening, a good question to ask is “how would I react if my best friend did the same thing?”

When I say “best friend” here, I mean your ride or die friend. This is the person you love but you can also be real with when it matters. If your best friend did something wrong, you wouldn’t necessarily hide it, but you may also help them get back on their feet so they can make amends.

You may have to use the best friend test like a mantra for a while until this idea sinks in and starts to feel normal. But once it does, you may be amazed at how quickly your inner voice goes into “wise coach” mode instead of that dreaded inner critic.

Notice the Performance Benefits

The last step in the process is the best one. This is where you get to notice the difference between a response with self-compassion in comparison to living without it. Let’s say you face a setback, challenge, or mistake and you don’t beat yourself up. Perhaps you just deal with the issue or maybe you treat yourself with kindness to help yourself through it.

If this happens, don’t breeze past it. Instead, pause for a moment and take note. Notice if the situation was made easier by your response. Notice if you feel proud of how you handled it. Notice if your performance was in any way enhanced by treating yourself with kindness instead of contempt.

This celebration phase is where you lock in self-compassion as a habit because you can see the benefits. It’s also a great time to reflect on times like these for personal development because it may remind you that even entrenched habits can be changed.

Conclusion: Beating Yourself Up Is a Habit You Can Change

If you habitually beat yourself up, you aren’t alone. It is a common response to setbacks, mistakes, and challenges, especially for high-achievers like lawyers. Self-criticism, though, isn’t common because it is the only option. Instead, it is common because habits are easy to form when we aren’t paying attention. With awareness, time, and the strategies above, you can disrupt the habit of beating yourself up and replace with self-compassion.

If you want to study this more, check out our Heart of Loving-Kindness Practice Guide or some of our Guided Meditations. This one about being gentle with yourself during meditation practice is a perfect example of “sneaky self-compassion”. You can find it on Insight Timer or here:

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New Writing Event with the Mindfulness in Law Society

The Mindfulness in Law Society reached out and asked if I wanted to do a community event for the larger group. I have been guiding the virtual sits for about a year now and taught at the virtual retreat last fall. For this event, though, they didn’t want me to guide a meditation. They wanted me to teach.

When we did the meeting to plan this session, I expected they would have something in mind. To my delight and surprise, they didn’t have preconceived notions. Instead, the organizer and I discussed some of my recent speaking engagements and I told her about a Ted-style talk I had done on thought leadership for the FDCC. She saw my face light up and suggested that the topic relate to the intersection of writing and mindfulness.

I very happily agreed. My writing and mindfulness practice grew up together. They reinforce each other. Writing helps me let go of thoughts and mindfulness helps me see which ones are worth exploring further. In the span of about six years, I went from being the occasional author to articles in trade magazines, to a daily poster on LinkedIn, then to a weekly blogger and book author.

I don’t claim to be an expert, but this experience and my mindfulness training has helped me develop some tips and best practices for creativity. On April 24th at 12 PM EST, I hope you will join me and the Mindfulness in Law Society online for a session where I’ll discuss this. I will share the top 5 ways that my mindfulness practice helped spur my creativity and I expect some other authors will join and share their tips as well.

This event is open to anyone in the legal profession, which includes lawyers (including those in law adjacent fields), law students, law professors, and support staff. Please join us or reach out if you have any questions. You can register here.

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Self-Compassion Can Make Weight Loss Less Painful

I’m not stranger to soul-sucking things. After all, I am a lawyer. But when I got on the scale at a recent doctor’s visit, I knew I was in for another one. From years of experience going off the deep end with control issues, I have learned to be skeptical of numbers.

I knew the number on the scale didn’t correlate to my self-worth. I was on guard against the diet industrial complex’s ploy to make me place moral value on my weight. I’m an accomplished, self-respecting, grown ass woman for heaven’s sake. The number on the scale doesn’t define me.

All of this is true, but as soon as I saw the number I knew what I had to do. You see, even though life experience had told me to cautious against letting a scale push me around, I also had some other life experience to consider. Life experience, and medical advice, had given me an ideal weight range. The number I saw on the scale was about 15 pounds above that.

The Reckoning with Truth

I’m tall so this is not a huge amount, but it was enough that I had noticed it. I could see it in pictures. I could feel it in my energy levels. I noticed that some of my workouts were a little harder and some of my clothes fit a little less well. Thus, seeing the number just confirmed what I already knew: it was time to get back in shape.

The clarity of this conclusion, though, didn’t make me hate it any less. In fact, that is probably why I avoided thinking about it until the scale told me I had to face facts. Losing weight is hard. The very thought of weight management makes me nervous because I have wrestled with self-loathing about my weight before.

An image with a quote about how mindfulness and self-compassion can make weight loss less painful

So I started thinking. Does weight loss have to be terrible? Is it destined to be painful and awful? Or is there a way to do it that doesn’t hurt so much? In fact, is there a way to make healthier choices that doesn’t suck all the goodness and joy out of life? I think there is and it’s rooted in mindfulness and self-compassion.

Getting Motivated to Start

Habit change can feel really overwhelming at first. When it comes to weight loss, it can be extra hard because eating permeates so much of our daily life. Deciding to change how you eat, therefore, isn’t as simple as just deciding. Instead, it requires planning and commitment.

Self-compassion helped me find the motivation to get started because it helped me look at the factors nonjudgmentally to decide that now was an ideal time to try. Instead of wallowing in the feelings of overwhelm that told me change would be too hard, I examined the facts.

In truth, I got super businesslike about it and did an informal SWOT analysis.

Strengths: Solid workout routine including strength training means calories should be easy to burn. I’m skilled at cooking and enjoy healthy, nutrient dense foods. I have had success with weight loss in the past.
Weaknesses: I have 2 kids who won’t allow me to just stop buying snacks and treats. My schedule is busy and can impede healthy eating. I have to network a lot which means temptation is always near.
Opportunities: Warmer weather means more pleasant opportunities for movement and better produce for cooking healthy foods. I have a stable routine at work that will support habit change. I like experimenting with new things to see what works.
Threats: I’m over 40 and it may be harder to lose weight than in the past. I have had bad experiences with weight loss attempts in the distant past.

This may not sound very warm and fuzzy, so you may be wondering how this is self-compassion. In truth, though, self-compassion isn’t always about being soft with yourself. I think of it more as being clear with yourself instead of being unfairly biased against yourself.

An image with a quote about self-compassion

Identifying the Problem

Once I got motivated to start considering weight loss, self-compassion was also helpful in considering where the weak points were in my habits. There is so much pressure on most of us, especially women, to maintain a healthy weight that this can be really hard. We can easily slide into feeling totally out of control and worthless.

In my case, I was able to avoid it because I realized my struggles with weight were all caused by understandable factors. First, I have always loved food so it is an easy thing for me to unconsciously use food for comfort instead of nourishment. Second, the last few years for me have been a bit volatile with a few job changes.

Third, and most significantly, I still had lingering habits from the pandemic. During social distancing, I had to manage my own mood and the moods of my household. Having very few other options to do this, edible treats became one way of doing this.

Getting clear about where my habits went awry helped me avoid attacking my own character and judging myself. Instead, with self-compassion, I was able to clearly evaluate my habits so I could focus on improving my behavior.

Crafting a Plan

Once I got motivated and clear about where things went wrong, I was ready to craft a plan that would help me turn my analysis into actionable steps. The goal was fortunately clear to me: lose 15 pounds. My SWOT analysis and past experience, though, told me that I had to offer myself some extra supports.

First, I decided to try a food journal (specifically this one I found on Amazon) because I had success using one in the past. I avoid calorie tracking or a ton of precision on amounts. I don’t go in for diets or restrictive eating because it feeds my control issues. With the food journal, I keep track of what I eat, when I eat, and how the food makes me feel. This helps me be intentional about my choices.

Second, I decided to get help from an expert. As I have shared before, I loved The Craving Mind by Judson Brewer. He also has an app called Eat Right Now and a book about mindful eating. I bought a subscription to the app and decided to give it a try. Curiosity about the app and checking in each day motivated me and helped me establish my habit in the first few weeks.

A blog post about goals and supporting yourself with mindfulness and self-compassion

Third, I added healthier items for me to my grocery list. I replaced my normal snacks with more nutrient dense options. I stocked up on fresh fruits and veggies I enjoy. I also made sure to add a variety of foods that would be good for lunches and snacks so i could avoid eating out as much as possible.

Finally, I planned to eat more frequently. I knew from experience that my energy tended to flag at about 3 hours and hunger would usually set in by then. As a result, I started planning smaller but more frequent meals and snacks.

You may notice that this plan was not primarily about minimizing calories. Instead, it was about eating better and feeling better overall. Embedded in the plan was the assumption that habit change is hard so supports are necessary.

Imperfect Implementation

Implementation of the plan, of course, is the hard part. This is where self-compassion really gets to shine. Of course, I know that it would be nearly impossible to make healthy food choices 100% of the time for the rest of my life. I knew that there would be times when I’d struggle, make the wrong choice, or just feel unmotivated.

When I started implementing, perfection was not my goal. Instead, a positive trend line marked by negative weight change and positive improvements in how I felt was the goal. To get this, I knew from experience that treating myself well was important.

I noticed and celebrated successes. I noticed when I enjoyed my healthy food. I noticed when I ate a bit more than I needed and how it felt. I noticed when days were harder because I was tired. And when temptation comes up up, I didn’t resist or beat myself up and instead just let it come.

An image explaining mindful eating and the importance of self-compassion

In short, my big implementation strategy is that I assume it will be hard to establish and maintain a long-term healthy eating habit. Because I recognize every day that what I am doing is hard, I let go of perfection and remember that coaching myself with kindness must be a daily practice.

Conclusion (Well Sort of)

I wish I could wrap this post with a neat and tidy conclusion, but the truth is that this is an ongoing process. After about 5 weeks, I am about 2/3 of the way to my goal. I feel better. I have learned a lot just by paying attention to how I eat. I admit that I am proud too.

Of course, achieving goals and losing weight will usually inspire pride in most of us. This time around, I am proud that I treated weight loss like any other goal. I analyzed the issues, crafted a plan, identified supports, and implemented it.

Despite my history with struggles with weight and all the years doubting myself when it came to food, I was able to treat weight loss like any other challenging goal because I had self-compassion. So, if you are thinking about getting back in shape, I suggest that you start by being fair with yourself and focus on treating yourself well.

If you want some practices that may help with a weight loss effort or being good to yourself, check these out:

Did you know restorative yoga is associated with weight loss? Relaxation and restoration can have its benefits. Whether you have props or not, you can try it out with this practice here:

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Three Simple Steps Lawyers Can Use to Build Self-Compassion

Cover image for the blog post Three Simple Steps Lawyers Can Use to Cultivate Self-Compassion

Self-compassion features prominently on this blog. In part that is because cultivating self-compassion is a huge part of my personal journey. I consider it one of the greatest gifts of my meditation practice and perhaps the biggest shift in my life. It is what helped me grow after decades of overthinking, anxiety, depression, and loneliness.

My story, though, is not unique. Self-compassion has been proven to help people achieve goals, build happiness, take risks, and foster closer relationships. Beyond this, even for those of us to whom it does not come naturally, self-compassion can be cultivated with practice and time.

But how do you “practice self-compassion.” The good news is that this this, too, has been researched. Thanks to the work of researcher and author, Kristin Neff, among others, we know that self-compassion has three primary aspects which any of us can use to learn to bring into your own life and work to help yourself.

1. Mindfulness

Many of us who struggle with self-compassion worry that it may cause us to become too soft on ourselves. We may be concerned that we will rest on our laurels, get a big head, or even overlook our own unethical or hurtful conduct. If this is you, you may be relieved to learn that mindfulness is an essential element of self-compassion.

At its heart, self-compassion means that we are sensitive to our own needs and suffering. In this way, mindfulness has to be there because we can’t be compassionate towards something of which we are unaware. This aspect can matter a lot for lawyers who are often focused on the suffering of others. Just acknowledging our own struggles is where mindfulness fits in in to self-compassion.

Beyond this, though, mindfulness is also a steadying and stabilizing force. This is what helps us notice things without getting lost in them. In the context of self-compassion, mindfulness is what helps us realize we are having a problem without piling on by taking the situation personally or judging ourselves for our reactions.

An image sharing the benefits of cultivating self-compassion for lawyers and others

2. Common Humanity

The next aspect of self-compassion is common humanity. This aspect helps us embed our individual struggle in the context of the human story. When bad things happen, it is very easy to think “why me” or “woe is me” or “I’m the worst person in the world.”

Invoking common humanity, though, helps you zoom out from this common storyline. Instead of responding “why me” when a hard situation happens, you may consider that bad things are an unfortunate but normal part of life. Instead of the self-pity of “woe is me” or self-judgment, you may remember that your story is like the stories of so many others.

This aspect of self-compassion is important for lawyers especially. In hard times, even the best of us may tend to self-isolate or get lost in shame. Common humanity is what helps us avoid that tangle because it reminds us of our connection to other people. At a minimum, this can help loosen the grip of self-judgment. Eventually, though, it may also help us seek out and accept kindness and support from our community when we need it most.

3. Self-Kindness

The last aspect of self-compassion flows from the first two. Once you have become aware of your own suffering and recognized it as a part of the human story, it becomes easier to take care of yourself.

To put it very simply, self-kindness means giving yourself what you need. This sounds simple and it truly can be when we let it. At the beginning, though, it may feel pretty awkward.

Think about it for a minute: how much were you taught to take care of yourself? Most of us weren’t. Instead, many lawyers have historically been taught to take care of others first. We are validated and praised when we set our feelings aside and focus to focus on someone else’s needs.

Image showing the elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness

Most of these lessons aren’t intended to be taken in the extreme, but when they aren’t balanced by other teachings and practices they can become so. That’s why self-compassion cultivation is important and has been shown to be so powerful: it empowers us to strike a balance in caring for ourselves and others.

In some situations and after some practice, we may get pretty good at identifying our needs and honoring them. If you need some help, though, I recommend considering the basic human needs first. The acronym HALT for “hungry, angry, lonely, tired” is a basic and easy to memorize tool that can help you scan through the usual suspects of basic needs. For a more in-depth version of this, I like this list of needs from Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communication.

Conclusion

These are the three aspects of self-compassion, but knowing these aspects is just the first step. The next step is putting them into practice. Though it may feel awkward at first and you won’t always have the presence of mind to bring these steps to mind, I hope you can find ways to use them in your life and work. I have done so and it has helped me take care of myself and my community much better.

If you want to try some self-compassion practices, check out some of these guided meditations on our YouTube channel here:

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How to Meditate When You’re Too Busy to Breathe

A cover image for the blog post How to Meditate When You're Too Busy to Breath

Lack of time is the excuse I hear most often from other lawyers who tell me that they wish they could develop a meditation habit. As a lawyer and mom who teaches mindfulness and manages this blog on the side, I know that’s understandable. Lawyers are among the busiest of people and we are often busy for very good reasons.

Even so, I have noticed a funny thing in my ten years of meditation practice. When I am the busiest, my meditation habit is the strongest. It is the times when my schedule loosens up that I struggle more.

My theory on this is that I implicitly know I need my meditation practice more when I am busy, and so I find ways to work it in no matter what. As a result, I have had lots of practice figuring out how to keep a meditation habit going even when I am too busy to breathe.

Here are the things that have helped me to continue meditation even in the busiest of times.

1. Preserve the Habit

An image about preserving the habit of of mindfulness during busy times for lawyers

If an intense schedule limits your time, it may help to simplify your approach. When this happens to me, I have learned to move into “preserve the habit” mode. What does this mean? I give myself slack in terms of what I might “normally” do. I accept that I don’t have as much time/energy/motivation now but set an intention to get back to it when things calm down.

At the same time, I find ways to reconnect with my habit in small ways every day so I can continue to see myself as the person who does that healthy habit. As the book Atomic Habits instructs, identity is an important part of habit formation and maintenance, so continuing this link can help us stay on track long-term.

For a meditation habit, continuing the link may mean sitting for just one minute, taking a few mindful breaths, or building in some small pockets of open space into my schedule. This is a small shift that does not take much time but it helps me keep my good habits alive for the long-term.

2. Self-Compassion

An image about the importance of self-compassion for a meditation habit

Sometimes when we get busy, doubt and self-judgment can arise and make things so much worse. We may start to criticize ourselves for not managing our schedule properly or remind ourselves how we “never” stick to healthy habits. Though human, these thoughts don’t help.

If anything, thoughts like this are self-defeating, unkind, and often untrue. Most lawyers and professionals don’t have total control over their schedules or their places of work. So many factors outside of our individual control affect our schedules that it doesn’t even make sense to put full responsibility for the situation on yourself.

In this way, self-compassion really comes in handy. By applying self-kindness (or at least dampening the harsh self-judgment) we can see more clearly and stop kicking ourselves when we are down. By simply remembering that we didn’t choose the situation and are only doing our best, it can make a big difference in shifting the focus to caring for ourselves in a difficult situation.

3. Do What You Need Now

An image about allowing one's mindfulness habit to serve one's needs

As I mentioned early, it’s kind of a shame that healthy habits suffer in busy times because that is when they are essential. So, in busy times, my advice is to let your meditation practice serve your immediate needs.

Do you just need a 1-minute breather between meetings? Do you need a body scan to help you get to sleep at night? Do you just need a 5-minute self-compassion break? Do you need a quick mindful walk around the block or a 10-minute yoga stretch?

Mindfulness practices can help you explore spirituality, acknowledge deep personal longings, and connect to something bigger than yourself. They can also help you survive hard times. There’s nothing wrong with using the practices as tools when you need them. In fact, seeing this practical value in times when the tools are needed most may sustain your practice more than anything else.

4. Pair Meditation with Another Activity

An image offering the idea that meditation can pair well with another activity

Meditation does take some time but it doesn’t always have to take extra time. One way to help yourself and maintain your habit is to be efficient with your meditation practice by pairing it with another activity.

The most obvious way to do this is to use those bits of time you might spend waiting in between activities. If you are sitting at the doctor’s office, take a moment to breathe. Turn off the radio driving to work and enjoy a few minutes of silence.

As I have written before, you can also pair meditation with your exercise routine or trying a walking meditation. Doing most activities, like cooking or washing dishes or even taking a shower mindfully, may open your eyes to how wonderful they can be. Let me tell you, a mindful shower is fantastic.

Because mindfulness can happen in any time, we can bring it into any life activity and this can help sustain us when life is busy.

5. Notice What Happens When You Miss Meditation

An image explaining that mindfulness can happen when you notice the effects of missing meditation practice

If you truly can’t find any time to meditate, you still have one ace left in your pocket. The number one instruction for mindfulness practice is to pay attention. It stands to reason, then, that if your mindfulness habit suffers, the next move is to keep paying attention.

This is not a gimmick. It’s practical. Lots of want to maintain a meditation habit to get mental or even physical health benefits. When we first start, we may notice that we feel better, rush less, or our thoughts are less scattered or even that we are a bit nicer to others. This recognition is often the best motivation to keep practicing.

The same thing can be true if your practice gets disrupted for a while. Years ago, I lost my practice for almost a year due to a series of life events. What did I notice? That many of my adverse mental habits and tendencies returned. I started ruminating a lot. I seemed to always feel angry and bitter and hopeless. When a loved one told me I may need to talk to someone, I decided to resume my meditation practice as a first line intervention.

The practice helped me immediately but the experience helped me internalize that I needed to make meditation a priority. This happened not just because I got started again, but because I paid attention to the difference between my life with meditation and life without it.

Conclusion

Busy schedules are a reality for many lawyers and working professionals. Even so, it doesn’t mean that our personal well-being and healthy habits have to go by the wayside. With some creativity, flexibility, and self-compassion, we can maintain a mindfulness habit even when life is hectic. In fact, as I have experienced, doing so may help us manage the hectic times with a bit more grace, kindness, and ease.

If you are short on time but want to work in a meditation, check out some of these guided meditations under 5 minutes:

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This App Can Help You Find More Moments of Space

Cover image for a blog post reviewing the Meditation App moments of Space

I wasn’t looking for a new meditation app, but one came looking for me. The lovely people at Moments of Space reached out to ask if I would be willing to check out their blog and do a sponsored post.

As a busy lawyer, mom, and author, it’s not an easy thing to just add a new task on my to-do list but they appealed to all my favorite things. Am I curious by nature? Absolutely. Did they offer me a chance to try something new? Yes, indeed.

What is Different about Moments of Space?

Moments of Space is a relatively new entrant to the meditation app market, but it offers a fresh take. Unlike most other apps, Moments of Space encourages an “eyes open” style of practice. You read that right. The meditations cue you not to close or lower your eyes, but instead keep them wide open.

This invitation, I have to admit, made me nervous at first. I had heard some really great teachers suggest meditating with eyes open before, but my eyes always seemed to close on their own whenever I meditated. Could I even meditate with my eyes open? What would it be like? Would I be so distracted with visual information that my mind would never settle?

I had to get answers to these questions, so I quickly agreed to explore and write a post about my experience. And, yes, keep scrolling because I share my answers below.

Who Is Behind This App?

The first thing I was curious about when I started exploring Moments of Space was the people behind it. The creator is Kim Little, a long-time meditator and London tech entrepreneur. Kim’s experience with Tibetan Buddhism, a branch with which I am familiar and has bestowed upon the world some of the most transformative heart practices, was immediately appealing to me. I also liked his goal of making the teachings practical and accessible and building a business based on ethics.

A more recent addition to the app is someone who does not require an introduction: Gwyneth Paltrow. Paltrow, known first as an actress and now as the purveyor of all things lifestyle on Goop, is a co-owner and Global Community Director. Though not a teacher, Paltrow is a long-time meditator and was drawn to the app when she discovered eyes open practice.

One thing I noted about this relationship that I appreciated was that the app indicates that the meditations lead by Paltrow were “read” by her. It’s a small thing that only a meditation teacher would notice. Yet, I appreciated this subtle reference to differentiate between practice with a trained teacher and a celebrity using her influence and well-loved voice to promote the practice of meditation.

Art from meditation app Moments of Space

What Was the App Like?

Like many apps, Moments of Space offers a seven-day free trial so that you can check it’s features out for yourself before you decide to subscribe. Here are the features that I noticed when I gave it a shot.

Seamless Set Up

The download and set up for the app couldn’t have been easier. I created an account easily and did the quick questionnaire to identify my path with a few screen taps.

Nice Features

After getting set up, I went through all the tabs on the app. I first looked for an unguided timer, since silence is my jam, and surprisingly all meditation apps don’t have this. I was pleased to see one there with options for setting the time and selecting sounds if desired.

Like any good app, Moments of Space also tracks and rewards and achievements to help keep you motivated to practice and explore.

Skills Pathways

The app also has “paths” which are a structured journey through the realms of Body, Mind, Heart, and Space. I liked the inclusion of “space” as an option, since open awareness practice–where no particular focal point is selected–has helped me learn to find deep relaxation and inner peace. Instruction on this practice is also particularly helpful since open awareness, due to its utter simplicity, may be the hardest to grasp.

I was not able to try all 4 paths but I worked through the first level of the “heart” and “mind” pathway. I enjoyed the “learn,” “practice” and “apply” model for each lesson. They included a short conceptual teaching paired with a practice and then a very short (1-3 minute) debriefing to drive the concepts home.

Check-In Opportunities

On the home page, you will be prompted to reflect on how you are feeling. Checking in with how you feel regularly is a good practice in itself. However, if you try it on the app, you will also get an AI-generated recommendation. In a tiring world, anything to help fight the battle against decision fatigue is appreciated.

Clean Appearance and Calming Animations

Meditation apps come in a lot of flavors. Some are very subdued and others whimsical. Pun fully intended, but Moments of Space picks the middle path on this. Neutral to warm tones are featured prominently and it has an energized but clean appearance. Animations are added to most meditations but they are calming concentric circles. Overall, the feel of the app is one of ease, simplicity, and harmony.

To learn more about the app and how it looks, check out this video here.

A promotional video for the Moments of Space app.

How Were the Meditations?

The app is for meditation, after all, so you may be wondering how they were. As someone who doesn’t prefer to use guided meditations most of the time, I have to say I enjoyed them. Here are the big reasons why.

Soothing and Neutral Voices

You know how musicians tend to wear black when they perform so you can focus on the music instead of what the musicians are wearing? That’s how I would describe the voices for the meditations. They are soothing and neutral. The voices are pleasant in their own right but they don’t steal the show from the practice.

Unobtrusive Guiding

The style of guiding for the meditations is similar too. Sometimes guided meditations leave little room for awareness or insights and Moments of Space, as its name would imply, avoids this trap. The guiding is measured, calm, and includes enough pauses so that you still feel like you are practicing meditation instead of listening to a podcast.

Nice Options

The mediations also offer options. You can add music, set them for sitting or walking, and select a male or female voice. I also enjoyed that some of the “Moments” meditations included practice for real life activities, like cooking, writing, or walking. This can make those activities more enjoyable and they help you learn to do an eye open meditation any time, anywhere.

Is Eyes Wide Open a Good Thing?

So at last we have reached the final test. What about all this eyes wide open business? Though I was skeptical at first, I have to say that it did help me reshape my perceptions of reality. Of course, there were a few times when my eyes got tired and I had to close them to take a break. This was not a problem, since most of the practices include gentle reminders that closing your eyes is okay too. In general, though, I was able to keep them open.

Having meditated for more than 10 years, it was nice to see how this subtle change could have an impact. Until I tried meditating with eyes open, I would have assumed the visual information would clutter my experience too much. Not so, I was able to focus just fine.

I also would have assumed my brain would get confused between thoughts with any visual content and the things I was actually seeing with my eyes in the moment. Again, this wasn’t what happened. To the contrary, it seemed that my eyes being open made the visual content in my mind more detailed. Despite this, I was able to find my way back to presence and start to see the difference between mental images and real visual perception.

In other words, mediation with eyes open is a real chance to literally see how our attention can color our perception. It’s seeing realities like this that I have found leads to wiser choices, as well as peace and serenity. In the end, I plan to continue exploring eyes open meditation and am glad to have had the opportunity to explore this with the app.

Want a Preview?

If you have had enough of me sharing my opinion about the app, here’s a chance to sample it for yourself. Check out the “Awareness of Space” meditation with usuals from the app read by Gwyneth Paltrow here.

A video with the “Awareness of Space” meditation ready by Gwyneth Paltrow with visuals from the Moments of Space meditation app.

Conclusion

Moments of Space is an app that offers a modern day approach to meditation, clean presentation, helpful instruction, and style of practice that may be new to many users. It’s worth a try for anyone looking to learn meditation or add a new app to support their meditation habit. To try it for yourself, download the app here or search for “Moments of Space” on the app store for your smartphone.

How to Train Your Mind While Training Your Heart

I talk a lot about meditation practice on this blog, but meditation is not the only way that you can cultivate mindfulness and compassion. Research is now beginning to emerge that is showing benefits from shorter and shorter increments of meditation. We are also starting to see some evidence of benefits from “informal” mindfulness or compassion practices.

For lawyers short on time, this is good news. As I well know, we don’t always have a 20 or 10 minute block of time to sit and meditate. But, if we are creative, we may find a few spare minutes here and there to sneak in a little bit of deep breathing. Even when this is hard to come by, we may learn some in the moment practices that can help us stay calm and collected or remember to be kind to ourselves.

One of my favorite ways to do this is to incorporate mindfulness and compassion practices into my workout routine. This may sound a little cumbersome, but I already shared a post from a lawyer who built a meditation practice this way. In addition, a recent review of more than 35 studies indicated that mindfulness and exercise might offer unique mental health benefits.

So how can you do this? Here are a few options.

1. Try Yoga or Somatic Workouts.

If you feel totally lost with the idea of integrating mindfulness and cardiovascular exercise, you might be pleased to know that some workouts are specifically designed to do this. Most yoga classes cue participants to notice their breath and pay attention to how their body feels. In general, the best yoga teachers also encourage modifications and self-compassion throughout practice. This is one reason people sometimes call yoga “moving mindfulness”.

Not all yoga is calm and restorative either. Some classes, including power yoga, will include cardio, interval, or even strength training. Along the same lines, somatic workouts like The Class will push your physical limits while cuing you to notice (and if possible release) thoughts and emotions that arise as you move.

An image with summary of a study showing benefits from incorporating mindfulness into exercse

2. Watch Your Breath.

I have enjoyed group fitness in the past, but right now I am all about my Peloton especially Power Zone training on my bike. These rides often call for me to hold a moderate to difficult effort for a period of time. As a meditation teacher, it didn’t take me long to realize that this was a great time to notice my breath.

Doing so often helped me modulate my breath so that I could stay steady during tough intervals or quickly recover when I had a respite. This helps me stay present for the difficulty rather than mentally retreating into anxiety or stress. In many cases, I have found that this makes the experience more enjoyable because it helps me remember that hard work much of the time can be fun and feel good.

3. Listen to Your Body.

I have an Apple watch which monitors my heart rate as I work out. From lots of experience, I have a good idea of my typical range for easy, moderate, and challenging cardio work. One thing I like to do, though, is to remind myself not to panic as my heart rate increases.

Instead of just watching the numbers, I also note how I feel as I am working. I am regularly surprised at how good I feel even when my heart rate is high. I am also regularly surprised to watch my heart rate stabilize or even come down even when my effort doesn’t slow down.

Another way I have done this is to pay attention to my posture. It is very easy to begin slumping or hunching over when you begin to breathe hard. I have trained myself to watch for this so that I can ensure a clear airway for my breath. When I remember to sit up and soften my belly so I can breathe again, things get a little bit easier.

Clearly, I can’t entirely control my heart rate or how I tolerate any given workout. Paying close attention to what my body does during a workout can help me manage my experience better and prevent my anxious mind from taking over.

An image with a quote about the value of incorporating mindfulness and self-compassion into exercise and fitness

4. Monitor that Inner Attitude.

Lots of people exercise because it helps quiet their minds. I am no exception and I certainly think that exercise can help when your mind is getting chatty. Even so, if there’s anything that can get my inner critic going, it’s feeling physically uncomfortable.

A good cardio workout is designed to make me feel physically uncomfortable. If I am having a hard time, it’s not uncommon for my mind to turn negative with complaints about the situation or criticisms of my performance. Guess what? This is not helpful at all.

Over the years, I have started to monitor for the early warning signs of this creeping negativity. If it starts to show up, I first try to be kind to myself by managing my situation by taking a drink of water or adjusting my position or rate of exertion. This often is enough to keep the nasty inner voice from distracting me from my mission.

5. Practice Courage and Compassion.

Even when managing my experience isn’t enough and the workout just sucks, I still have found a way to make the best of the situation. This is because the workouts where I am on the struggle bus are the best ones to practice courage and compassion.

On one particularly challenging ride with tough long intervals, I used every self-compassion strategy I could. I acknowledged my feelings of discomfort by saying “this is hard” but followed it up with “but I can do it.” I considered the meaning of the work and remembered why physical fitness mattered to my life. I even did tonglen practice, where I breathed in the hard feelings and breathed out relief and sent to the other people doing the ride.

Does this seem a little silly or overwrought? Maybe. I certainly laughed at myself afterwards but I also celebrated because I made it. But, if you think about it, sometimes physical sensations (our emotions) can be the biggest impediments to showing courage and compassion when they are needed most. Practicing these skills when the stakes only feel intense may actually be an ideal way to practice them so they are ready when you really need them.

An image showing 5 ways to incorporate mindfulness into your exercise or fitness routine

Conclusion

In an ideal world, all of us would have the time to meditate and work out regularly if not daily. Though most of us don’t live in an ideal world, we may be able to get the best of both worlds in our workouts. With a few small adjustments, you can incorporate informal mindfulness and compassion practices in your exercise routines. With these tips, you can train your mind and heart at the same time.

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A Few Breaths Really Can Make a Big Difference

“Take a breath” they say. The world is crashing down. You are filled with anxiety/rage/existential dread/fatigue or a combination of them all. And they have the audacity to tell you to take a breath. Really? Are they–those unspecified hobgoblins who clearly don’t get it–even in touch with reality?

Look, I get it. I have been on the receiving end of the “take a breath!” comment in the midst of high emotions. It was far more likely to induce me to take a swing at the person who uttered it than to help me calm down. Nonetheless, it is good advice. (Though I must also add that not giving advice to someone experiencing the throes of high emotions is also good advice.)

Sorry to be annoying in this way, but a few breaths really can make a big difference. Here are a few reasons why.

1. 5 Deep Breaths = A Minute

Have you ever paid attention to how long a deep breath takes? By a deep breath, I mean a breath where you fill up the lungs, pause for a beat, empty the lungs, and pause again? Try it and time yourself. It probably takes somewhere between 5 and 10 seconds.

You don’t have to be a math whiz to realize that this means 5 breaths is equivalent to about a minute. When it comes to calming down, easing back, or taking a break, a minute can be a game changer. If you bring the breath tally up to 10, you are in the 2 to 3 minute range. In my book, that’s a full blown meditation.

The point here is that 5 breaths is not nothing. It’s a meaningful chunk of time when used strategically in critical situations.

2. The Breath Is the Link Between Body and Mind

How can a few breaths have an impact so quickly? As I have written before, the breath is the link between body and mind. Our breath is literally linked to our nervous system. It is the only non-chemical way our brains can consciously modulate our nervous systems.

Thus, if time is short or quick stability is needed, noticing the breath is the most direct route to managing emotions. We can’t always have perfect control over this in difficult times but with practice we can learn to slow down or disrupt an emotional chain reaction. This can give us more agency to care for ourselves and maintain stability in difficult circumstances.

3. Emotions Don’t Last Long

Now you might be thinking, “there’s nothing magical about the 1-3 minute range.” If so, that’s understandable but it is overlooking something.

Did you know that emotions, at least the physical experience of them, only last about 90 seconds in the body? One reason why meditation can be so impactful is that it helps us watch this play out.

Not only can pausing and sitting with emotions help us see that they quickly shift from one emotion to another. But also watching emotions helps us see that they are often short-lived when we don’t let them mix too much with protracting thoughts.

What on earth are we to do while waiting for this 90-second bout of physical intensity to subside? Ahem, allow me to suggest 5 to 10 deep breaths. Now do you get my drift?

4. Just Pausing Can Help with Overwhelm

So what about the times when you are so overwhelmed that you can’t even identify emotions in your body? This, I know, is one of the worst experiences to have.

Overwhelm happens when you encounter something difficult and you feel like you don’t have the support, resources, or personal fortitude to survive it. Obviously, calming down, reassessing, and reconnecting with sources of strength is essential. But before you can do that you have to get your bearings.

In my experience, overwhelm usually calls for an initial pause. When things are tough, taking a moment to come back to your body and reestablish some calm can help. Complicated practices are a challenge here because you may not have the presence of mind to use them.

This is why so many people swear by box breathing or other pranayama strategies. They are simple and effective and can be a link back to reality and yourself. In the same way, remembering to take just a few breaths can help you deal with overwhelm.

5. A Few Breaths Can Grow Into More

And the final reason that a few breaths really matters? You don’t have to stick to just a few breaths. Ten years ago, I started meditating at 1 to 2 minutes a day. Over time, I gradually increased the time I could spend sitting.

A few breaths can make a world of difference in tense times, but as you get more comfortable those few breaths can serve as a foundation for further practice and exploration. You can learn to sit for longer periods, you can try other transformative practices, or you can incorporate breathwork into your physical fitness routine. In themselves, a few breaths can make an impact but honing the skill of connecting with the breath can support you in myriad other ways beyond momentarily calming down.

I’m sorry if this post was annoying or kind of basic. If there’s anything meditation can teach us, though, it’s that basic things are often true and can be impactful. The breath is one of those things and a few breaths really can make a big difference.

If you want to test this theory, check out our 5 and 10 breath meditations here or on Insight Timer:

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Why Do We Focus on the Breath?

Nearly every guided meditation and meditation teacher out there tells you to focus on the breath. It’s something so basic that you may have never asked why. The breath calms us down, right? Doesn’t that make it the obvious focal point for meditation.

Though a common assumption, that’s not entirely true. The reason we focus on the breath in meditation may surprise you.

The Breath Is a Link to Your Nervous System

The breath is a way to regulate our nervous systems. In fact, it is the only non-chemical way to do so. Our breath is directly linked to our autonomic nervous systems. And when I say linked, I mean it literally.

As you are reading. put your hand on your diaphragm in your mid to lower abdomen and pay attention to its position. Your diaphragm is below the lungs and heart and they all rest against your spinal column. The diaphragm is controlled by the phrenic nerve and, in turn, it can activate the vagus nerve.

This connection means that your breath sends signals to the your body and mind constantly. Any change in breath can create a domino affect that can affect your behavior, mood, emotions, and thoughts.

The Breath Does More Than Calm Us Down

When I said above that it’s not “entirely true” that the breath calms you down, I wasn’t lying. In most daily experiences, we focus on the breath to calm down. That usually means we try to “catch our breath” by slowing down our rate of breathing and breathing more deeply.

Whether we notice this or not, in situations like this we may be focusing on the exhale in our breath. Focusing on the exhale and slowing down our rate of breath will calm us down. The exhale is linked to our parasympathetic nervous system. When our exhale becomes slower and longer than our inhale, it sends a signal to our body and brain that we are safe and can enter “rest and digest” mode.

The inhale, though, can do the opposite. If we try deeper and faster inhales, we may notice our heart rate start to increase and other bodily systems activating. While many lawyers try meditation and breathwork to calm down, there are some styles of practice intended to rev the body and mind back up.

Why Understanding the Breath Matters

So why is this important to know? It is useful for several reasons. First, remembering the breath’s role as a bodily function may help you see it more functionally in your meditation practice. If your breath is not smooth or slow or even, it can be very easy in meditation practice to get upset about that or feel like you are doing something wrong. Remembering the role of the breath from a functional anatomical perspective may help reduce judgment.

Another reason that understanding the purpose of breath focus helps is that it can help us give ourselves what we need. If you experience difficult feelings or thoughts during meditation, you can learn to use the breath like the break pedal in your car. Not only will focusing on the breath disrupt the thoughts and emotions; it can help you slow down and ease back in your body.

In the same way, you could use breathwork to re-energize yourself when you are in a slump. Instead of a coffee, you could try some breathwork with more intense inhales and see how it affects you. If pranayama is not your thing, try some physical movement or exercise to achieve the same thing. Even a walk around the block is likely to automatically trigger bigger and deeper inhales which will energize the body and mind.

You Have Options for Breath Focus

As I have written before, the particular location of your focus is not essential to notice these things. You can focus on your breath at your nose, sinuses and throat, chest or shoulders, or belly. To bring attention to the energetic impacts of your breath though, pay particular attention to your inhale v. exhale, the lengths of each, and any pauses in between.

With this background, hopefully it is clearer now why meditations and teachers so frequently direct you to focus on your breath. Of course, it is always with you and that makes it a great focal point for formal and informal practice.

Practicing breath focus or breathwork, though, gives you a tool for self-regulation that can serve you well in formal practice and in life. If you can learn to notice your breath, you can also learn to manage it. That can give you greater agency for handling the stresses and energy slumps of life. And if you can do that, it opens doors for facing many other challenges with a little more skill and ease.

To try some breath focus practices, check out our meditations on Insight Timer or here:

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