Compassion Practices - brilliantlegalmind.com

How Lawyers Can Use Self-Compassion for Growth

December can be hit or miss for lawyers depending on how your year was. It can be a big celebration if you had a lot of growth. But it can be a struggle if the year did not quite go as you had hoped. In both cases, self-compassion is in order.

Now, you may think it’s odd that I say self-compassion is important if you achieved your goals. If so, jump down to point 2 below. Most of us understand innately why self-compassion might help when we fail to achieve our goals.

The struggle, of course, is in remembering to use employ it. That is why I am reminding you about it here (and trying to remind myself in the process). If self-compassion is a struggle for you, know that you aren’t alone. But keep reading because this post has some tips and a good resource to help you learn more.

Lawyers Should Be Cautious about Raising the Bar

One of the reasons that I am thinking about this now is that I did not achieve all my goals this year. It was a great year for me. I achieved many of the goals I had set for myself. Sadly, I did not achieve them all and one significant personal project fell by the wayside.

When you are a high achiever, like many lawyers are, it can be really easy to expect that you will achieve all your goals. This can cause you to forget that many of our goals are challenging and subject to conditions outside of our control. What this means is that accomplishing the goals we set for ourselves is not always something we can realistically expect.

How can we reflect on the year in a way that keeps our standards high, but doesn’t continuously raise the bar to unhealthy levels?

Assess Your Growth with Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is the tool that can help us find balance here. As I have written before, self-compassion has three simple steps: (a) mindfulness; (b) common humanity; and (c) self-kindness.

Contrary to popular belief, these steps are not about being “easy” on yourself. Instead, they are about being fair to yourself. Self-compassion is about not judging yourself more harshly than you would judge someone else.

Even if you struggle with self-compassion, using the three steps in your year-end reflection can help you take a balanced and accurate view.

Step 1: Mindfully Review the Data

The first step – mindfulness – does not require meditation though that can help. Instead, mindfulness here refers to awareness. To review your year with self-compassion, you would review the data of what transpired.

To do this, you might ask questions like these:

What did you accomplish this year?
How did you use your time?
How do you feel about the year?
What happened during the year that was unexpected or out of your control?

When you ask these questions, be as objective and neutral as you can be. It may help to review your calendar and any relevant data points to ensure your reflections are based on accurate data.

Step 2: Celebrate the Victories

In a normal year, the odds are that the questions above will elicit both positive and negative recollections. Though it may be easy to do, I encourage you to not gloss over the positive parts.

One part of self-compassion that lawyers easily forget is enjoying positive things. If you achieved goals or hit milestones, by all means, celebrate them.

If you struggle to even recognize the positive things you did, as some lawyers might, you can try to reflect on these questions:

What did you do well?
What personal or professional growth did you experience?
What goals did you achieve or what habits did you make last?
What makes you proud about the last year?

This is not an exercise of selfishness or arrogance. In fact, one benefit of reflecting on achievements is that it inevitably leads to reflection of the people and supports who helped you along the way. If these arise, share your celebration by expressing gratitude or praising the people who deserve it.

Step 3: Identify the Areas of Growth

Of course, the biggest struggle for many of us is with the goals we did not achieve. These dreaded “areas of growth” can easily make us feel defeated or hopeless. As people who come to expect high performance, lawyers often don’t know how to process failure when it comes.

This is where self-compassion is really essential. Mindfulness can help us get clear about the things that did not go as we had hoped. The second step, common humanity, is what can help us stay clear and avoid judging ourselves too harshly.

To identify the areas of growth from the year, we can ask ourselves these questions:

What projects did you not get to?
On what goals did you fall short?
What problems or struggles did you encounter?
What things or experiences are missing in your life and work?

After we identify these items, the key is to remember that we are human and that most humans are imperfect. Most humans do not always achieve 100% of their goals 100% of the time. Then, instead of beating ourselves up, we might reflect on the things that were struggles for us and consider what we need to recover or move forward.

Use Self-Compassion to Set New Year Goals

As I have written before, self-compassion is not just for reflecting at the end of the year. It can also help you apply more self-kindness when you set goals for the new year.

This may help you find motivation to start strong with a new habit. It could help you learn to stop procrastinating on one of those nagging projects that you’ve avoided for too long. It can even make sometimes heart-wrenching resolutions, like checking unhealthy habits or weight loss, feel less painful.

If you are looking to set high goals or form healthier habits in the new year, don’t forget about self-kindness and honoring your human needs.

Where Lawyers Can Learn More

Image for webinar event shared in the blog post that is called "recharge your legal mind: year end reflection for growth in the new year"

If you want to learn more about this topic, you are in luck. I will be presenting a webinar for CLE credit on this subject for the Knowledge Group on December 12, 2025 at 12 PM EST. The session will be available on-demand after that date as well.

I will be speaking about Self-Compassion for End of Year Self-Reflection and Goal-Setting. Fellow lawyers and mindfulness teachers, Ron Wilcox and Alexandra Echser-Rasmussen will offer session on mindfulness practices and self-care.

If you would like to join the session, you can connect with me on LinkedIn and send me a message for a 50% off code.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Five Reasons Kindness Is Essential for Lawyers

In honor of World Kindness Day, I am giving a talk this week on the power of kindness for lawyers and legal professionals. Many lawyers are skeptical of kindness, at least in relation to our work. We worry that kindness will be viewed as weakness by others and lead to passivity in ourselves.

Clearly, I don’t have illusions that I can convince an entire profession on this point, but I don’t think I have to do any convincing. If you pay attention to what kindness really is, you will see that it is powerful and essential for lawyers today. Here are five things to consider as you explore this for yourself.

1. Kindness Is Rare for Lawyers and Therefore Precious.

As a general matter, I have had mostly positive experiences with other lawyers. In general, I have experienced that lawyers are polite and professional in most settings. Real kindness, on the other hand, is more rare.

As discussed below, law practice is often challenging and filled with stress. This both makes kindness more essential and also more challenging. As most of us know, the difference between a difficult and unbearable situation is kindness. I cannot tell you how much of a difference it makes to work with an opposing counsel who is kind. We communicate more effectively and work through problems more efficiently as a result.

Though I know that many clients think they want a bulldog lawyer, I have found those types of litigators to often be ineffective. Therefore, if you want to really show power, calm, control, and courage in law practice, being kind is the way to go.

2. Kindness Is Essential in Difficult Times.

I have written before that kindness is an essential trait for difficult times. Lawyers, of course, are usually dealing with difficult times. We are literally paid to manage other people’s problems. This means our stock and trade is dealing with people going through really hard situations.

If lawyers are to weather these storms, we must learn skills for caring for ourselves and others. Sometimes this may include tending to our own fears, worries, and hurts. Sometimes it may mean patience with a stressed or unskillful opponent. And sometimes it may mean showing calm courage for our scared clients.

Either way, kindness is essential for lawyers because it helps us and our clients navigate challenging situations.

3. Kindness Is An Antidote to Fear and Aggression.

Because stress and conflict is a big part of law practice, fear and aggression unfortunately are too. This can be hard for our clients, but it is definitely hard for lawyers. One of the reasons that kindness is so powerful is that it helps people feel safe or at least safer.

In this way, kindness is an antidote to fear and aggression. It is a way that we can calm our own nerves and built trust and safety with those around us. Kindness may not make fear and aggression disappear entirely but it can help us create a sense of steadiness and comfort during emotional upheaval.

This can help lawyers focus more squarely on the relevant issues and avoid creating additional fights.

Image sharing the five ways that kindness is essential for lawyers as shared in the blog post

4. Kindness Builds the Connections that Lawyers Need.

Related to the feeling of safety is trust. Most lawyers know that relationships are at the core of law practice. Relationships permeate what we do as lawyers, including those with our firm, opposing counsel, and clients.

Kindness is a way to build trust because it is how we demonstrate care and concern for others. One of the reasons that litigation is so difficult is that trust is often lacking between parties and legal counsel as well. This is one reason that kind and professional speech is so important in litigation contexts.

When trust is lacking, it is easy to misunderstand each other and overreactions are bound to occur. Kindness is a way to cut through this animosity and rebuild the trust that is so essential to our working relationships.

5. Kindness Looks Soft but Feels Like Power.

The best and final argument I can make for kindness is not an argument at all. That’s because the best argument for kindness is in the experience of it. Lawyer struggle with kindness because it is easy to misunderstand.

In many situations, kindness has a softness to it. When we feel kindly towards someone, we may feel a softening of our hearts and a sense of generosity towards them. When someone is kind to us, we may notice a quiet, soothing voice and a non-threatening posture.

Next time you offer or experience kindness, though, I urge you to pay closer attention. Though kindness undoubtedly has a softness to it, it often also includes stability, calm, courage, and support. In this way, even though kindness may look soft to an observer, it often feels powerful to those who give and receive it.

In truth, kindness is power because it offers us the possibility of transforming a situation or building a connection with a little bit of courage, presence, and an open heart.

Don’t Take My Word for It. Try This for Yourself.

Here’s the truth: you probably already know how essential kindness is. Most of us wouldn’t have gotten as far as we have without kindness in our lives. Even so, most of us would love to have more kindness in our lives. If you are nervous about showing more kindness in your life or work, you aren’t alone. Kindness takes courage, discipline, and patience.

But when you pay attention, you may notice that it feels really good and usually leads to even better results. That’s what this post was really about anyway. I hope it helps you know where to look and to look for when it comes to kindness in your life and work. The more you study and notice kindness, the more you will want to experience and share it with others.

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Why Self-Compassion Is Key to Managing Anger

Whenever I get the chance, I talk about self-compassion. It is one of the biggest and most beneficial changes I have made over the course of my life. As a lawyer, it is essential to help me manage the stresses and challenges of law practice. The other day, though, a friend reminded me of yet another reason. Self-compassion can help with anger.

I teach about self-compassion all the time, but it was honestly nice to be reminded of this fact. For one thing, it was good timing because I am preparing to present a CLE on anger management for lawyers. In addition, self-compassion is not always easy to practice, so it was nice to remember yet another benefit of this trait.

The Relationship Between Self-Compassion and Anger

The friend who told me about the positive impact self-compassion can have on anger is another mindfulness teacher. I didn’t doubt her memory, but I wanted to confirm for myself. As a result, I visited researcher, Kristin Neff’s, website to see what I could find.

In a quick search, I found at least 3 studies that confirmed that self-compassion indeed had an impact on anger. These included the following studies showing that:

These are just a few examples, but all of these studies reveal that my friend was right. Indeed, self-compassion has an impact on anger and how we process it.

How Are Self-Compassion and Anger Related?

If you read any of the studies above, you may get some insights about the way that self-compassion can help us navigate and let go of anger. As a mindfulness teacher and someone who has historically struggled with anger, I have seen exactly how the two things are related.

Here are just a few ways that I believe self-compassion has helped me to be a less angry person.

I practice anger and judgment less. This means I disrupt the habitual anger reaction. Instead, I have replaced it (most of the time) with remembering common humanity.
I allow my feelings more and block them less. It took years but quite literally I have learned to let myself feel my emotions. This has created clarity about what matters and what doesn’t.
I focus more on honoring my own needs. When I meet my needs more, I feel better and don’t feel angry as much.
I accept my own limitations with more kindness. Constantly striving for perfection creates a lot of frustration. Wisdom around personal limits helps avoid this.
All of these things help me see others with kinder and gentler eyes. When I accept how I feel and what I need, I remember more often the humanity of other people.

Image showing 3 examples of research-proven benefits of self-compassion in relation to anger

Why Should Lawyers and Professionals or Anyone Else Care?

This one is obvious to most lawyers. Anger is a constant and frequent threat for us, just like it is for many business professionals. Our jobs often entail stress, time constraints, and conflict. This is a breeding ground for anger in and of itself.

In addition, as I have written before, anger and judgment are strongly correlated. Nothing will create an anger reaction more than the perception that someone has broken the rules or invaded a personal boundary. This kind of analysis is a lawyer’s stock and trade. To some degree, this means that many lawyers and other professionals practice anger every day at work.

As a result, the fact that self-compassion can help us manage or reduce anger may be a lifeline that many lawyers need. Even though anger sometimes feels good, it is volatile and can easily lead to bad results at work. It can lead to even more dire health consequences, including adverse impacts on our sleep as well as cardiac, immune, and digestive systems.

Easy Ways to Begin Exploring Self-Compassion Even If You Are Unsure about It

Despite the promising research, many people remain skeptical or unsure about cultivating self-compassion. Even though research exists to the contrary, they may be concerned that self-compassion will make them weak. In addition, they may be concerned that they can never change, even though countless studies demonstrate that self-compassion can be cultivated.

If this is you, I encourage you to first be self-compassionate towards yourself by not pushing too far. You don’t have to change your mind right away. All of those fears are normal and besides change takes time.

If you want to explore self-compassion more deeply, including to help you manage anger, I hope this list of resources will help:

If You Want to Be Angry Less, Try Self-Compassion

Anger is a human emotion that happens to us all. Though we should not strive to never be angry in life, many lawyers and professionals may need help managing it. If you have a busy, stressful, or conflict-heavy job, you may need to pay extra attention to the role that anger plays in your life and work. The good news is that self-compassion is a trait you can cultivate with simple practices over time. If you give them a try, you may help yourself build a happier, healthier, and less angry life.

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How to Stop Procrastination with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion

Cover image for post with professional woman making paper airplane at desk instead of working with title "How to Stop Procrastination with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion"

I made progress on a major project (my first novel) this weekend when I sent off a draft to a beta reader. This felt like an accomplishment, but it made me think about procrastination.

At this point in my life, I am the opposite of a procrastinator. I love getting things done. In fact, I feel uncomfortable when projects linger. They literally clog up my brain and make it hard for me to focus on anything new.

This was not always the case, though, because I used to struggle to start on projects both at home and at work. What changed? To put it simply, mindfulness and compassion came into my life and that changed my approach.

What Is Procrastination?

Before I jump into explaining how to solve procrastination, it is important to define what I mean. When I talk about the issue here, I am not talking about a simple lack of time. Many lawyers and professionals may have too much work or lack sufficient time and resources to handle it.

I’m also not talking about the rational choice to defer a decision or action on a project. As a mindfulness teacher, the best approach in some situations can be waiting. As a lawyer, I can say that inaction can sometimes be a good risk management approach.

On the other hand, procrastination is quite different. It occurs when you have the time to get started on a project and it is in your best interests to do so but you choose to delay action.

Is Procrastination Really a Problem?

Research on procrastination is still developing and there is not a clear consensus on its causes across populations or settings. The impact of procrastination, though, is clear. It increases suffering, adversely affects well-being, and lowers performance.

Sure, there may be times when procrastination can seem to lead to good results. Most lawyers I know, myself included, have had times when the last minute buzz of energy helps us finish a brief or other project in record time. Sometimes this can even feel exciting or fun.

What is not fun, though, is the other side of procrastination. The hours spent worrying about something instead of acting on it are soul-sucking. The shame and regret that come with not managing one’s time well are also no fun to experience.

An image with a quote as explained in the blog post that procrastination is a habit that can be changed

Can you learn to stop procrastinating?

Because researchers are still debating the causes of procrastination, they also do not agree on the best interventions to stop it. With that said, there is research that interventions can reduce procrastination, which suggests that it is possible to learn to manage it.

This has been my experience too. Over the years, I transformed myself from a task avoider to someone who relishes getting things done. Yes, of course, being a blogger and having a recurring weekly deadline to publish posts has been a great habit-building exercise in this regard.

But truthfully the thing that helped me stop procrastinating was the realization that it only increased my suffering. With mindfulness and self-compassion I was able to change this behavior over time. Here are the four steps I took and the ones I still use when the urge to avoid a task arises.

1. Identify Procrastination

Awareness is the first step to solving any issue. Though delay on a project can be a sign of procrastination, it isn’t sufficient in itself. Busy people may have a variety of legitimate reasons outside of their control that can impede starting a task.

The key question, then, is whether the delay is occurring despite (a) the opportunity to begin work; and (b) knowledge that the work is a priority. When these two things are present but you still struggle to get started or create excuses to avoid the work, you know you are dealing with procrastination.

2. Self-Compassion

Shame, guilt, and other forms of self-reproach are common responses to procrastination, but they aren’t helpful ones. As I frequently advocate for in other difficult situations, self-compassion is the better route. Self-compassion is correlated with positive behavior change, including correcting procrastination.

After you raise awareness to procrastination, you can invoke self-compassion by remembering common humanity. This problem is one that many people struggle with across the world and is quite a human challenge. If this is hard for you to accept, remember that self-compassion is not about excusing bad or problematic conduct, but instead giving yourself what you need to do your best.

Image with the 4 steps to ending procrastination as shared in the blog post

3. Manage Conditions

Some lawyers and professionals may hear the phrase “give yourself what you need” and think it sounds like woo-woo new age drivel. When I say it here, though, I mean it in a practical sense. Sometimes this means giving yourself some basic kindness.

But in practical terms it really means managing conditions. For example, if you hate the idea of working on a project, you may decide to take the smallest possible step forward or break it into chunks to help yourself. If you are scared or unsure about an issue, talking it over with a colleague or trusted friend can help you face the challenge. Doing what you can to make facing the project less scary, boring, lonely, or overwhelming is kind to yourself but also practical.

4. Learn from Experience

If you struggle with procrastination, the odds are that you won’t learn to stop it overnight. It may take some trial and error. Even when you struggle, though, there is still one thing you can do to avoid repeating the behavior. That step is to pay close attention.

Yes, this is a stereotypical thing for a mindfulness teacher to say. It’s also effective. The one thing that really helped me kick my procrastination habit was the recognition that it only made my life worse. For one thing, it made my anxiety last longer. It also intensified my fears to challenging levels as the relevant deadline approached.

In a few cases, I saw how my work suffered or was not as good as it could have been if I hadn’t delayed starting the work. Of course, these assessments have to be done without beating yourself up to allow for a clear view of the situation. If you can see clearly, though, life experience can be the best teacher when it comes to procrastination.

Conclusion

Procrastination is difficult to experience but may be even more challenging to stop. With self-compassion, mindfulness, and time, you can make a change. Once you do, you may learn like I did that the exhilaration of moving a major project forward feels even better than the last minute rush the day before a deadline.

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4 Heart Practices that Lawyers Should Know

It’s Valentine’s Day this week, so it is only natural for my mind to be thinking about hearts. In this case, I am thinking about the heart practices or Brahma Viharas. I talk about loving-kindness practice here a lot because it is a wonderful practice for cultivating kindness and reducing judgment.

What are the Four Heart Practices?

In traditional Buddhism, though, loving-kindness is just 1 of the 4 heart practices that support good conduct and overall well-being. Each practice is unique but they all reinforce each other too. Lawyers or anyone who regularly deals with stress or conflict can gain a lot from working with them together.

Keep reading to learn more about the heart practices:

(1) loving-kindness;
(2) sympathetic joy;
(3) compassion; and
(4) equanimity.

Image showing four heart practices discussed in the post which are beneficial to lawyers: loving-kindness, sympathetic joy, compassion, and equanimity

1. Loving-Kindness

Loving-kindness or metta as it is traditionally called is done to generate friendliness and a good nature towards oneself and others. And when I say “others” here, I mean it as broadly as possible. As I have explained before, loving-kindness practice is done by bringing individuals and then groups to mind and sending them wishes of well-being.

Language here is flexible but the traditional phrases are:

May you be happy;
May you be healthy;
May you be safe;
May you be at peace.

Traditionally, this practice starts with oneself and expands outward to extend kindness to literally all beings.

There are many applications for this practice but the most common reason for doing the practice is to cultivate kindness for everyone, including you. With time, the practice serves as an antidote to judgment and anger, a foundation for greater mindfulness, and a gateway to the other heart practices.

Image explaining loving-kindness, one of the heart practices discussed in the post which is beneficial to lawyers

2. Sympathetic Joy

Sympathetic joy or “mudita” does not tend to get as much attention in my experience, but it is increasingly important these days. Anyone suffering from social comparison, jealousy, or in a competitive field can benefit from this practice. Yes, this of course means lawyers and most working professionals. That is because mudita is about cultivating joy in response to the well-being of others.

Mudita is commonly practiced with the same structure as loving-kindness but the phrases may be slightly different. Common sympathetic joy meditation phrases include:

May you be happy;
May your happiness continue;
May you appreciate your joy; and
I am happy for you.

As I discussed when I shared the interview of Tom Bussen, author of Enlightened Self-Interest, this practice can reduce jealousy, greed, and the impacts of living in a hyper-competitive culture.

Image explaining sympathetic joy, one of the heart practices discussed in the post which is beneficial to lawyers

3. Compassion

Compassion, or “karuna” as it is called in Sanskrit, is another essential heart practice. Unlike loving-kindness and sympathetic joy, compassion is about cultivating kindness in the fact of difficulty. As I have explained before, compassion isn’t truly an emotion but is instead a response to suffering.

Compassion is also distinct from empathy. It goes beyond merely feeling someone’s suffering, though common feeling is often part of the experience. Instead, compassion arises when we are aware of suffering and wish or act to do something to alleviate it.

I find that compassion is often specific to circumstances so I offer a variety of phrases that might work to practice compassion in meditation:

May you be free of suffering
May you be safe and well in the midst of all this
May you live with ease and with kindness in the midst of this
May you be at ease with the changing conditions of my life
May you open to this pain with gentleness and compassion
May all who experience this particular suffering be held in kindness
May the suffering of this world be met with compassion
I care about you.
Your suffering matters to me
I see your suffering; it is hard.

It would likely become unwieldy to try to use all of these phrases, so it may be better to select 3 or 4 and work with those. Over time, you can change or substitute in phrasing to suit your needs. In addition, practicing compassion in sitting meditation is only the start. With time, this practice may support more compassionate conduct in life.

Image explaining compassion, one of the heart practices discussed in the post which is beneficial to lawyers

4. Equanimity

Equanimity, or “upekkha”, is a trait that can be and often is cultivated with ordinary mindfulness practices. Put simply, it is non-reactive stability in the face of change, difficulty, and uncertainty. Learning to sit and be with experience when you do a practice like breath focus or body scan can help you cultivate a foundation of equanimity that supports overall mindfulness and well-being.

Equanimity is also important from a heart perspective, though, because it is essential for balancing kindness, joy, and compassion. Recall that kindness does not mean just being “nice” and compassion does not mean sacrificing oneself in all cases. Equanimity supports healthy boundaries and clarity about our role in a given situation or relationship.

Like compassion above, equanimity might be affected by context. Here are a selection of phrases that you could use to cultivate equanimity in meditation:

All beings are responsible for the suffering or happiness created by their own actions;
May you find peace exactly where you are;
No matter how I might wish things to be otherwise, things are as they are;
I care for you, but I cannot control your happiness and unhappiness;
May we all accept things as they are;
I wish you happiness but cannot make your choices for you; and
I can allow what is here and offer what is needed.

Image explaining equanimity, one of the heart practices discussed in the post which is beneficial to lawyers

Conclusion

When done on their own, each of the individual practices has much to offer lawyers and other professionals. Over time, though, exploring all of the practices together can strengthen and stabilize the heart, body, and mind. Relationships are an essential part of living a good life and the four heart practices, loving-kindness, sympathetic joy, compassion, and equanimity, can support us as individuals in relation to other people. As you think about hearts this Valentine’s Day, think about the four heart practices too.

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Which Self-Compassion Book Is Better for Lawyers?

I write about self-compassion a lot because it is one of the most rewarding shifts I have made in my life and law practice. From speaking to and teaching lawyers about mindfulness for years now, I also know that self-compassion is an area of opportunity for many of us.

If you are interested in this topic, you start Googling or searching on Amazon for resources to explore self-compassion further. Doing this is likely to direct you to two prominent names in the field of self-compassion cultivation: Kristin Neff and Chris Germer.

Neff and Germer teamed up to create the popular, accessible, and effective program Mindful Self-Compassion which I reviewed previously. They also have books under their own name on the topic of self-compassion. Neff’s is Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (paid link) and Germer’s is The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion (paid link).

Which one is best? As a lawyer, I can’t resist saying “it depends” but I can also offer some analysis here to help you decide.

How they Are Different

As I discuss below, both books have a lot in common. I don’t truly think you can go wrong reading either and there are benefits of reading both. Even so, they do have a few critical differences.

Perspective of a Clinician v. a Researcher

The most obvious difference between the two books is the perspective from which they were written. Germer is a clinician while Neff is a researcher. As such, Germer focuses far more on the practices to cultivate self-compassion, while Neff focused on the research. Likewise, Germer relies on more examples from working with patients. Neff offers more examples from studies she has conducted of reviewed.

Male v. Female

Another important difference is that Germer is male and Neff is female. This does not always matter for every book, but when it comes to self-compassion men and women may for cultural reason face different challenges. As a male, Germer speaks more to his experience as a husband and father. On the other hand, Neff shares about the challenges of being a woman professional and her experience with motherhood.

Voice

Although both books cover substantially similar material, the voice of the two authors may be the biggest area of difference. Germer’s voice is down-to-earth, practical, direct, and analytical. This isn’t to say it is hard-charging by any means, and certainly not compared to the content most lawyers read. But, as a left brained person myself, I prefer this style and many lawyers or professionals may feel more at ease with it.

In contrast, Neff’s style is soft, warm, and intimate. She shares her personal experiences more often than Germer does and offers less explanations of the practices. Even her arguments regarding the meaning of the various studies on self-compassion don’t feel like arguments. This is most likely an intentional choice to help readers who struggle with self-compassion open their minds to it.

A comparison of Chris Germer's and Kristin Neff's books on self-compassion so lawyers can pick which is best for them.

How Are They Similar

Despite all of these differences, Neff and Germer’s books are very similar. They have worked together and both addressed different aspects of self-compassion. This is one reason why you can’t go wrong with either book. They both offer:

Explanations of what self-compassion is and what it is not;
Strategies to help readers cultivate self-compassion
Ideas for removing barriers to self-compassion;
Explain the role of mindfulness in self-compassion cultivation;
Analysis of the research regarding self-compassion; and
Arguments that debunk myths about self-compassion.

Conclusion

In truth, I like both of the books and think any reader could benefit from either. I have a slight personal affinity for Germer’s book, since it appeals to my direct, practical and analytical personality. However, as a working mom and special education attorney, I certainly appreciated Neff’s decision to share her story, including caring for son after his diagnosis with an autism spectrum disorder.

In case you need a clear conclusion, though, I will say that Neff’s work may be ideal if you really need convincing that self-compassion is worth it. This is a reality for many lawyers and there’s nobody better to convince you on the power of self-compassion than someone who has researched it for years.

On the other hand, if you need more tools to internalize self-compassion and implement it in your life, Germer’s book is the way to go. Germer’s down-to-earth writing style and lived experienced a clinician may be a great tool to help you build self-compassion in your own life and work.

A conclusion with book reviews of Germer's and Neff's books on self-compassion.

The links to the books mentioned in this review are affiliate links. The review is unsponsored and sincere but the links to Amazon are paid.

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How to Disrupt the Habit of Beating Yourself Up

This is the line I often hear when I present about self-compassion: I know that it’s better to be kind to myself but I just can’t do it. People, especially lawyers, tell me that the habit of criticizing themselves is so ingrained that they see it as a part of their character.

This is a common struggle and I have personally experienced how painful it can be. Though it can indeed be a challenge, it is possible to change even well-established habits like self-criticism over time. I know because I have done it.

Beating Yourself Up Is a Habit.

I started meditating a decade ago after I developed postpartum depression following the birth of my first daughter. It took me years to understand the situation but I eventually realized that my problem was a persistent failure to comfort myself. Thus, looking back on my life, I now see that my instances of depression occurred, in part, because I had a limited ability to handle setbacks.

After stabilizing with therapy and medication, meditation helped me address the root cause of the problem because I started to change my inner voice and the way I responded to difficulty. Where I used to attack and criticize myself, meditation helped me see hardship as a part of life and learn to care for myself through it. This didn’t make life perfect, but it made the hard aspects of life a lot less hard.

This experience shows that self-compassion isn’t a character trait, but instead a habit or a skill that can be cultivated with practice. Research shows that I am right too. Here are five strategies that can help you disrupt your self-criticism habit to build the skill of self-compassion.

Reframe Self-Criticism as a Habit

The first step to changing the habit of beating yourself up is to accept it as a habit. Many people are so accustomed to being hard on themselves that they may see this as something they can’t change. Mindfulness practice may help you see that identity is not a static thing. Instead, it is often the product of our habits.

Thus, a small thing you can do to start treating yourself more kindly, is to start viewing your treatment of yourself as a behavior. Instead of seeing it as a manifestation of who you are, see it as a thing you do. Notice when it arises, consider where and how the behavior emerged, and then ask is it helping your or hurting you now?

Pause and Notice How You Feel

This leads right into the next step. How do you know if beating yourself up is helping you or hurting you? One way is to notice how it feels when you do it. Lots of people think that they can’t unwind the habit of self-criticism because they notice how often they beat themselves up.

In reality, this noticing is a great start. Even if you intend to try a gentler approach, the odds are that you will eventually slip up and berate yourself. Don’t add on by berating yourself about that mistake. Instead, notice the words are that are coming to your mind or out of your head. Notice how it makes you feel. Notice what it makes you want to do.

Seeing the impact of our habits is what gives us the power to evaluate whether they are serving us or not. As hard as it is, noticing exactly what occurs when we beat ourselves up may be a first step to letting go of the habit.

Practice Makes Perfect.

Even if you know nothing about self-compassion, meditation may help you cultivate it for a fundamental reason. Anyone who meditates knows that the mind will wander or get lost in thought. The nearly universal instruction for responding to this is to gently return your attention back to the breath or other focal point.

This gentle redirection, practiced over and over again, cultivates self-compassion. In fact, when I teach compassion I describe as “sneaky self-compassion” because it can happen without much effort and transform your inner voice subtly over time.

The good news, of course, is that this sneaky self-compassion can be practiced outside of meditation too. If you do anything moderately challenging and repetitive, you can use this gentle redirection approach to cultivate self-compassion and enjoy your pastime better.

Best Friend Test.

Now, I bet you are wondering if I still think self-compassion is the way to go even when you make a mistake or act badly. In fact, I think self-compassion is most important in times like those even though it also the most challenging.

When you screw up or act in a way that is not aligned with your values, self-compassion will not come naturally. Your brain very likely will go into self-judgment mode before you can stop it. When you see this happening, a good question to ask is “how would I react if my best friend did the same thing?”

When I say “best friend” here, I mean your ride or die friend. This is the person you love but you can also be real with when it matters. If your best friend did something wrong, you wouldn’t necessarily hide it, but you may also help them get back on their feet so they can make amends.

You may have to use the best friend test like a mantra for a while until this idea sinks in and starts to feel normal. But once it does, you may be amazed at how quickly your inner voice goes into “wise coach” mode instead of that dreaded inner critic.

Notice the Performance Benefits

The last step in the process is the best one. This is where you get to notice the difference between a response with self-compassion in comparison to living without it. Let’s say you face a setback, challenge, or mistake and you don’t beat yourself up. Perhaps you just deal with the issue or maybe you treat yourself with kindness to help yourself through it.

If this happens, don’t breeze past it. Instead, pause for a moment and take note. Notice if the situation was made easier by your response. Notice if you feel proud of how you handled it. Notice if your performance was in any way enhanced by treating yourself with kindness instead of contempt.

This celebration phase is where you lock in self-compassion as a habit because you can see the benefits. It’s also a great time to reflect on times like these for personal development because it may remind you that even entrenched habits can be changed.

Conclusion: Beating Yourself Up Is a Habit You Can Change

If you habitually beat yourself up, you aren’t alone. It is a common response to setbacks, mistakes, and challenges, especially for high-achievers like lawyers. Self-criticism, though, isn’t common because it is the only option. Instead, it is common because habits are easy to form when we aren’t paying attention. With awareness, time, and the strategies above, you can disrupt the habit of beating yourself up and replace with self-compassion.

If you want to study this more, check out our Heart of Loving-Kindness Practice Guide or some of our Guided Meditations. This one about being gentle with yourself during meditation practice is a perfect example of “sneaky self-compassion”. You can find it on Insight Timer or here:

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Self-Compassion Can Make Weight Loss Less Painful

I’m not stranger to soul-sucking things. After all, I am a lawyer. But when I got on the scale at a recent doctor’s visit, I knew I was in for another one. From years of experience going off the deep end with control issues, I have learned to be skeptical of numbers.

I knew the number on the scale didn’t correlate to my self-worth. I was on guard against the diet industrial complex’s ploy to make me place moral value on my weight. I’m an accomplished, self-respecting, grown ass woman for heaven’s sake. The number on the scale doesn’t define me.

All of this is true, but as soon as I saw the number I knew what I had to do. You see, even though life experience had told me to cautious against letting a scale push me around, I also had some other life experience to consider. Life experience, and medical advice, had given me an ideal weight range. The number I saw on the scale was about 15 pounds above that.

The Reckoning with Truth

I’m tall so this is not a huge amount, but it was enough that I had noticed it. I could see it in pictures. I could feel it in my energy levels. I noticed that some of my workouts were a little harder and some of my clothes fit a little less well. Thus, seeing the number just confirmed what I already knew: it was time to get back in shape.

The clarity of this conclusion, though, didn’t make me hate it any less. In fact, that is probably why I avoided thinking about it until the scale told me I had to face facts. Losing weight is hard. The very thought of weight management makes me nervous because I have wrestled with self-loathing about my weight before.

An image with a quote about how mindfulness and self-compassion can make weight loss less painful

So I started thinking. Does weight loss have to be terrible? Is it destined to be painful and awful? Or is there a way to do it that doesn’t hurt so much? In fact, is there a way to make healthier choices that doesn’t suck all the goodness and joy out of life? I think there is and it’s rooted in mindfulness and self-compassion.

Getting Motivated to Start

Habit change can feel really overwhelming at first. When it comes to weight loss, it can be extra hard because eating permeates so much of our daily life. Deciding to change how you eat, therefore, isn’t as simple as just deciding. Instead, it requires planning and commitment.

Self-compassion helped me find the motivation to get started because it helped me look at the factors nonjudgmentally to decide that now was an ideal time to try. Instead of wallowing in the feelings of overwhelm that told me change would be too hard, I examined the facts.

In truth, I got super businesslike about it and did an informal SWOT analysis.

Strengths: Solid workout routine including strength training means calories should be easy to burn. I’m skilled at cooking and enjoy healthy, nutrient dense foods. I have had success with weight loss in the past.
Weaknesses: I have 2 kids who won’t allow me to just stop buying snacks and treats. My schedule is busy and can impede healthy eating. I have to network a lot which means temptation is always near.
Opportunities: Warmer weather means more pleasant opportunities for movement and better produce for cooking healthy foods. I have a stable routine at work that will support habit change. I like experimenting with new things to see what works.
Threats: I’m over 40 and it may be harder to lose weight than in the past. I have had bad experiences with weight loss attempts in the distant past.

This may not sound very warm and fuzzy, so you may be wondering how this is self-compassion. In truth, though, self-compassion isn’t always about being soft with yourself. I think of it more as being clear with yourself instead of being unfairly biased against yourself.

An image with a quote about self-compassion

Identifying the Problem

Once I got motivated to start considering weight loss, self-compassion was also helpful in considering where the weak points were in my habits. There is so much pressure on most of us, especially women, to maintain a healthy weight that this can be really hard. We can easily slide into feeling totally out of control and worthless.

In my case, I was able to avoid it because I realized my struggles with weight were all caused by understandable factors. First, I have always loved food so it is an easy thing for me to unconsciously use food for comfort instead of nourishment. Second, the last few years for me have been a bit volatile with a few job changes.

Third, and most significantly, I still had lingering habits from the pandemic. During social distancing, I had to manage my own mood and the moods of my household. Having very few other options to do this, edible treats became one way of doing this.

Getting clear about where my habits went awry helped me avoid attacking my own character and judging myself. Instead, with self-compassion, I was able to clearly evaluate my habits so I could focus on improving my behavior.

Crafting a Plan

Once I got motivated and clear about where things went wrong, I was ready to craft a plan that would help me turn my analysis into actionable steps. The goal was fortunately clear to me: lose 15 pounds. My SWOT analysis and past experience, though, told me that I had to offer myself some extra supports.

First, I decided to try a food journal (specifically this one I found on Amazon) because I had success using one in the past. I avoid calorie tracking or a ton of precision on amounts. I don’t go in for diets or restrictive eating because it feeds my control issues. With the food journal, I keep track of what I eat, when I eat, and how the food makes me feel. This helps me be intentional about my choices.

Second, I decided to get help from an expert. As I have shared before, I loved The Craving Mind by Judson Brewer. He also has an app called Eat Right Now and a book about mindful eating. I bought a subscription to the app and decided to give it a try. Curiosity about the app and checking in each day motivated me and helped me establish my habit in the first few weeks.

A blog post about goals and supporting yourself with mindfulness and self-compassion

Third, I added healthier items for me to my grocery list. I replaced my normal snacks with more nutrient dense options. I stocked up on fresh fruits and veggies I enjoy. I also made sure to add a variety of foods that would be good for lunches and snacks so i could avoid eating out as much as possible.

Finally, I planned to eat more frequently. I knew from experience that my energy tended to flag at about 3 hours and hunger would usually set in by then. As a result, I started planning smaller but more frequent meals and snacks.

You may notice that this plan was not primarily about minimizing calories. Instead, it was about eating better and feeling better overall. Embedded in the plan was the assumption that habit change is hard so supports are necessary.

Imperfect Implementation

Implementation of the plan, of course, is the hard part. This is where self-compassion really gets to shine. Of course, I know that it would be nearly impossible to make healthy food choices 100% of the time for the rest of my life. I knew that there would be times when I’d struggle, make the wrong choice, or just feel unmotivated.

When I started implementing, perfection was not my goal. Instead, a positive trend line marked by negative weight change and positive improvements in how I felt was the goal. To get this, I knew from experience that treating myself well was important.

I noticed and celebrated successes. I noticed when I enjoyed my healthy food. I noticed when I ate a bit more than I needed and how it felt. I noticed when days were harder because I was tired. And when temptation comes up up, I didn’t resist or beat myself up and instead just let it come.

An image explaining mindful eating and the importance of self-compassion

In short, my big implementation strategy is that I assume it will be hard to establish and maintain a long-term healthy eating habit. Because I recognize every day that what I am doing is hard, I let go of perfection and remember that coaching myself with kindness must be a daily practice.

Conclusion (Well Sort of)

I wish I could wrap this post with a neat and tidy conclusion, but the truth is that this is an ongoing process. After about 5 weeks, I am about 2/3 of the way to my goal. I feel better. I have learned a lot just by paying attention to how I eat. I admit that I am proud too.

Of course, achieving goals and losing weight will usually inspire pride in most of us. This time around, I am proud that I treated weight loss like any other goal. I analyzed the issues, crafted a plan, identified supports, and implemented it.

Despite my history with struggles with weight and all the years doubting myself when it came to food, I was able to treat weight loss like any other challenging goal because I had self-compassion. So, if you are thinking about getting back in shape, I suggest that you start by being fair with yourself and focus on treating yourself well.

If you want some practices that may help with a weight loss effort or being good to yourself, check these out:

Did you know restorative yoga is associated with weight loss? Relaxation and restoration can have its benefits. Whether you have props or not, you can try it out with this practice here:

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Three Simple Steps Lawyers Can Use to Build Self-Compassion

Cover image for the blog post Three Simple Steps Lawyers Can Use to Cultivate Self-Compassion

Self-compassion features prominently on this blog. In part that is because cultivating self-compassion is a huge part of my personal journey. I consider it one of the greatest gifts of my meditation practice and perhaps the biggest shift in my life. It is what helped me grow after decades of overthinking, anxiety, depression, and loneliness.

My story, though, is not unique. Self-compassion has been proven to help people achieve goals, build happiness, take risks, and foster closer relationships. Beyond this, even for those of us to whom it does not come naturally, self-compassion can be cultivated with practice and time.

But how do you “practice self-compassion.” The good news is that this this, too, has been researched. Thanks to the work of researcher and author, Kristin Neff, among others, we know that self-compassion has three primary aspects which any of us can use to learn to bring into your own life and work to help yourself.

1. Mindfulness

Many of us who struggle with self-compassion worry that it may cause us to become too soft on ourselves. We may be concerned that we will rest on our laurels, get a big head, or even overlook our own unethical or hurtful conduct. If this is you, you may be relieved to learn that mindfulness is an essential element of self-compassion.

At its heart, self-compassion means that we are sensitive to our own needs and suffering. In this way, mindfulness has to be there because we can’t be compassionate towards something of which we are unaware. This aspect can matter a lot for lawyers who are often focused on the suffering of others. Just acknowledging our own struggles is where mindfulness fits in in to self-compassion.

Beyond this, though, mindfulness is also a steadying and stabilizing force. This is what helps us notice things without getting lost in them. In the context of self-compassion, mindfulness is what helps us realize we are having a problem without piling on by taking the situation personally or judging ourselves for our reactions.

An image sharing the benefits of cultivating self-compassion for lawyers and others

2. Common Humanity

The next aspect of self-compassion is common humanity. This aspect helps us embed our individual struggle in the context of the human story. When bad things happen, it is very easy to think “why me” or “woe is me” or “I’m the worst person in the world.”

Invoking common humanity, though, helps you zoom out from this common storyline. Instead of responding “why me” when a hard situation happens, you may consider that bad things are an unfortunate but normal part of life. Instead of the self-pity of “woe is me” or self-judgment, you may remember that your story is like the stories of so many others.

This aspect of self-compassion is important for lawyers especially. In hard times, even the best of us may tend to self-isolate or get lost in shame. Common humanity is what helps us avoid that tangle because it reminds us of our connection to other people. At a minimum, this can help loosen the grip of self-judgment. Eventually, though, it may also help us seek out and accept kindness and support from our community when we need it most.

3. Self-Kindness

The last aspect of self-compassion flows from the first two. Once you have become aware of your own suffering and recognized it as a part of the human story, it becomes easier to take care of yourself.

To put it very simply, self-kindness means giving yourself what you need. This sounds simple and it truly can be when we let it. At the beginning, though, it may feel pretty awkward.

Think about it for a minute: how much were you taught to take care of yourself? Most of us weren’t. Instead, many lawyers have historically been taught to take care of others first. We are validated and praised when we set our feelings aside and focus on someone else’s needs.

Image showing the elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness

Most of these lessons aren’t intended to be taken in the extreme, but when they aren’t balanced by other teachings and practices they can become so. That’s why self-compassion cultivation is important and has been shown to be so powerful: it empowers us to strike a balance in caring for ourselves and others.

In some situations and after some practice, we may get pretty good at identifying our needs and honoring them. If you need some help, though, I recommend considering the basic human needs first. The acronym HALT for “hungry, angry, lonely, tired” is a basic and easy to memorize tool that can help you scan through the usual suspects of basic needs. For a more in-depth version of this, I like this list of needs from Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communication.

Conclusion

These are the three aspects of self-compassion, but knowing these aspects is just the first step. The next step is putting them into practice. Though it may feel awkward at first and you won’t always have the presence of mind to bring these steps to mind, I hope you can find ways to use them in your life and work. I have done so and it has helped me take care of myself and my community much better.

If you want to try some self-compassion practices, check out some of these guided meditations on our YouTube channel here:

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The Truth about Compassion Fatigue that Lawyers Need to Know

Have you ever had touchy subjects? These are the topics that come up a lot and they always get on your nerves. You find yourself getting irritated and explaining something at length to someone who clearly doesn’t care about the issue as much as you do. For me, that thing is “compassion fatigue.”

Why on earth would this subject set me off? Well, it sets me off because the very term “compassion fatigue” gets the concept wrong. “Compassion fatigue” is a term that describes the physical, emotional, and psychological impact of helping others — often through experiences of stress or trauma.

There’s Some Confusion about Compassion and Empathy.

This is a true phenomenon that happens. Absolutely, it is one that affects many lawyers. The thing is, though, that compassion is not the real problem. The real culprit is empathy and the name of the thing everyone wants to talk about is in fact more accurately called “empathic overwhelm.”

Now, I bet you are the one feeling a bit touchy. I bet you are thinking “Empathy! Oh my stars! Empathy is so important. It makes us better people. It binds us together. How could we ever live without empathy?” Hold your horses.

I’m not arguing we should or even could live without empathy. I am suggesting, contrary to nearly everybody else on the internet, that empathy has some downsides. I’m also saying–along with some experts–that empathy and compassion aren’t the same thing. (If you want to know which experts, check out the The Craving Mind from Judson Brewer, the Science of Compassion from Kelly McGonigal, or the book Against Empathy by Paul Bloom.)

An image explaining the difference between compassion fatigue and empathic overwhelm

What Is Empathy?

So what is empathy? There are different types of it. The term sometimes refers to “cognitive” empathy, where we understand how someone else may be feeling. The other variety is “affective” empathy where we take on someone else’s feelings.

It is affective empathy that is most powerful but also most dangerous for us as lawyers. Affective empathy allows us to share in the emotions of other people. In good times, this can be amazing. If you’ve attended an awesome concert or sporting event and gotten swept up in the emotion of the crowd, you’ve experienced this.

The More Accurate Term “Empathic Overwhelm”

But empathy isn’t restricted to good, soft, or beneficial emotions alone. Have you ever had someone yell at you and your first instinct was to yell back? Has this ever happened even before you fully understood what they were mad about? Guess what? That’s empathy too.

Humans are social animals and so this trait of picking up and sharing emotions is wired into us. It can bind us together, whether that’s a good thing or not. The other downside is that empathy gets tired really quickly. It takes a lot of energy to feel big emotions. And doing this taxes our nervous system pretty quickly.

If we are in an otherwise stressful situation (and of course lawyers usually are), we can get overwhelmed very quickly. And this is why the experience is correctly called “empathic overwhelm.”

An image explaining empathy and that it is not restricted to positive emotions

How Is Compassion Different?

Now, you may be wondering why the name of this particularly icky experience is so significant. It matters because compassion can actually be a solution to empathic overwhelm. As I have shared before, compassion is not merely feeling someone else’s feelings. Instead, compassion is presence with suffering plus the willingness to help.

Compassion is not about an individualized experience of pure emotion. Instead, it’s about our connections to each other and our common humanity. Empathy is powerful because it spotlights an individual’s feelings and then mirrors that experience in us. Compassion is powerful because it is the human capacity to face difficulty with a kind intent.

Unlike empathy, compassion is far more durable. It does not get easily overwhelmed. In addition, the experience of compassion actually rewards us on the back end with the release of positive hormones, like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. If you pay attention after a compassion response, you may notice a warm glow or feeling of stability and deep well-being.

Why Should Lawyers Care about the Terminology?

And this brings me to the real true reason why this matters for lawyers. Despite my overbearing start, my point with this post is not to criticize terminology. Instead, my point is to address the assumptions underlying the terms used. By calling it “compassion fatigue”, the suggestion seems to be that lawyers could use less compassion, need take a break from compassion, or are harmed just by helping people.

In truth, the research does not bear that out for most cases. Helping people is not what harms lawyers. Instead, it is the way we help people that matters. Despite this, society sends us the resounding message that empathy is the one thing that will make the world better.

But that advice for lawyers is really problematic. Lawyers, who deal with high emotions in their clients, opposing counsel, and colleagues and have to remain stable enough to offer good advice, need to feel other people’s feelings more?

Compassion Is a Potential Solution and Not the Problem.

I don’t think so. Lawyers need the bandwidth to be able to have some cognitive empathy for clients and others. But uncontrolled empathy in the midst of legal conflicts is not ideal at all. Thus, what lawyers actually need is the ability to monitor and temper empathy.

An image comparing empathy and compassion

That’s what compassion and it’s sidekick mindfulness can do. These faculties don’t take empathy away. Instead, they can help balance and stabilize it. One reason this is most of interest to lawyers is that compassion, unlike empathy, is big enough to include oneself. While empathy almost forces us into someone else’s emotional storms, self-compassion can help us recognize and honor our own need for support.

The even better news? Even though we can’t uproot empathy and I don’t think we should try, we can cultivate mindfulness and compassion with formal and informal practices to have more stability and presence in our lives and work.

Conclusion: Say Empathic Overwhelm Instead.

In short, if someone says the term “compassion fatigue” to you, I hope I can count on your help in educating them that a better term is “empathic overwhelm.” You don’t have to get as touchy or overbearing as me either. You can just let them know that compassion is beneficial for us, but empathy gets worn out quickly. If they want a longer explanation, just send them this post.

Want to understand more about this? Check out the recent webinar that our founder did for the Kentucky Justice Association on this topic:

In addition, if you want a practice to check and monitor empathy in yourself, try our new guided meditation. This practice will help you build the skill of checking in with yourself so you can recognize and honor your own needs.

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