Sometimes, though, when I talk about meditation its impact on my life I feel like the answer is incomplete. In truth, starting a meditation practice is one of the best things I have done for my life as an adult. It is hugely important to me because it helped me get out of thought tangles, care for my anxiety, and move forward in life.
As I have shared several times on the blog, though, meditation did not help me so much because it calmed me down. Instead, it helped me because it gave the skills to follow what made me excited. When I started practicing meditation, I was lost in thought, overly rational, and had no self-compassion. I was nearly exclusively focused on what I “should” do and so didn’t spend much of the time I had doing what I wanted.
This is how meditation led to an explosion of innovation and creativity for me. After I got my bearings, healed from depression, and learned to curb my anxiety, I saw that I was hungry to write and create and let myself do it. Importantly, I let myself invest time and money into writing even though my writing was not squarely related to my law practice.
In his podcast and book, Matt Mueller often talks about a very different type of innovation. Most commonly, he’s talking about business innovation, including new products, processes, or service models. Though my story is more personal, it has affected how I practice law too and how I network and market my law practice. The reality is that our personal stories often shape our business strategies.
If you want to learn how mindfulness can do more than help you manage stress, check out the episode on Matt’s website or your podcast streaming service. If innovation is an interest to you, Matt’s podcast and book are excellent places to start.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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Founder’s Note: Writers on the internet have a way of finding each other. Jim is a labor and employment lawyer in Illinois with Big Law and corporate experience, blogger, and many other things. He found me when I interviewed his best friend, Joel Stern, about his experience with cancer and his new book. We chatted via email for a while and then Jim sent me a guest post. It wasn’t until I read it that I learned we had another thing in common: Peloton. Checkout his story of how a holiday gift helped him end burnout and start a new life.
In 2017, I became the Global Lead of Employment and Immigration for a large Indian IT company (a competitor of Accenture). I had a team of 20 lawyers based in London and Bangalore, India. I would travel to London and spend about one week there and then a week in India. I did this several times. At first, it was exciting and fun. After a couple of years though, it was no longer fun- – it was just grueling. And the job was really 24/7, I would be doing conference calls in the middle of the night because that’s daytime in India or checking emails in the middle of the night.
I am not saying my employer expected this; it is how I am wired. Lawyers handle the toughest issues businesses and society face. And while there is a lot of satisfaction to be gained by the practice of law, the legal profession is a stressful one. Lawyers are expected to work long hours, practice at a 24/7, “always on” pace, and provide immediate answers to the most complex issues, all while maintaining a high degree of client service and professionalism.
In December 2018, I traveled to London and India for almost 3 weeks. I returned home just before Christmas. I was physically and mentally exhausted. As I left India, I thought to myself “I really never want to come back here.” When I got home, we had friends over to sing Christmas carols and I literally fell asleep while singing them.
One of my favorite things about Christmas was singing in the midnight Christmas Eve service with the choir I sang with for over 20 years. Singing “Silent Night” with only candles to illuminate the church is one of the most spiritual experiences I’ve ever had. But I couldn’t even stay awake until 8 p.m., so I missed the service that year.
2019 rolled around and a polar vortex hit Chicago and the temperatures were way below 0. That matched my mood – – cold and dark. I was supposed to return to India in February. I just couldn’t do it. My General Counsel was very understanding. But I just couldn’t get of my funk. I struggled to get through the workday, and it was a slog.
By 2020, I realized that I wasn’t doing myself, my family, my friends, or my work team any favors and it was time for me to go. I took an “early” retirement in March 2020. What else happened in March 2020? The pandemic hit. A double whammy. I plunged into further darkness. I would sleep until noon and basically get up and just read a book or something. I had no interest in playing golf even though we had moved to a beautiful new community with a golf course and our house overlooks the 16th hole.
In December 2020, my wife and I bought a Peloton bike. I made a pledge to myself that I was going to get on this damn bike and ride almost every day. And I did! I started to feel better and eventually experienced weight loss that further contributed to my well-being. At the same time, I rediscovered meditation. I had meditated off and on over the years, but I found a meditation program called Ten Percent Happier. I am not getting paid to endorse this, I just really like the program.
Dan Harris is a fidgety, skeptical journalist who had a panic attack on live national television, which led him to try something he otherwise never would have considered: meditation. He went on to write the bestselling book, 10% Happier. Dan talks with eminent meditation teachers, top scientists, and even the odd celebrity. Dan sometimes ventures into the deep end of the pool, covering subjects such as enlightenment and psychedelics. Or it can be science-based techniques for issues such as anxiety, productivity, and relationships.
I love my life now. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my work and I love to sing (I found a local junior college choir to sing with where it’s me and about twenty 18–19-year-olds who put up with an old fart like me), play sports like golf, pickleball, platform tennis, kayaking, swimming, etc.
I love to travel and I cannot wait to travel more with my amazing wife of 37 years who put up with me during my darkest days. I write my own blog called “A Year of Grateful Music” where I highlight an artist and a song that I like. They say writing things we are grateful for everyday drastically improves your life. If you’re interested, email and I’ll send you the link and password.
Will this approach work for you? I don’t know, but I’d sure encourage you to try it and become a badass lawyer too!
Author Bio: Jim Beyer is a management labor and employment Lawyer with 25+ years of experience with major corporations (Accenture, General Electric, IBM and Infosys) and with Seyfarth Shaw, an AmLaw 100 firm. Jim is currently employed by Axiom. Axiom is the global leader in high-caliber, on-demand legal talent. Axiom employs over 13,000 lawyers globally. Over 60% of Fortune 100 companies are Axiom clients. Over 4000 Axiom lawyers have been with Fortune 500 companies and over 1700 Axiom lawyers have been with AmLaw 100 firms . Jim was elected as a Fellow in The College of Labor and Employment Lawyers in 2006 and he is an Adjunct Law Professor teaching employment law.
Outside of work, Jim is an avid singer looking to perform on Broadway (but happy to be a soloist on a local junior college choir, along with about 20 18–20-year-old young adults). He is a wannabe legal fiction novelist, he has been for married 37 years to a woman who should be sainted for putting up with him, father of 3 great adult sons (they call him Fred McMurray), Dad to a precocious 11-year-old English Springer Spaniel, lousy but avid golfer, Peloton bike nut and Jim also enjoys pickleball, platform tennis and kayaking. He writes a blog called “Musings of an Employment Lawyer.”
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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They asked me to explain some ways that mindfulness has made my law practice a little bit more calm and kind. I was happy to share some examples with them. I have many such stories that I have compiled over the years.
But I had to admit that the practice didn’t make me perfect and it didn’t make law practice suddenly become easy. That’s because mindfulness practices aren’t magic. Instead, they are deeply practical.
I mentioned a few meditations in the podcast to help lawyers who have to deliver bad news to clients or avoid email wars with opposing counsel. If you want to check those out here they are:
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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In the last month, many of us may have found ourselves questioning the state of the world. If you have watched news reports from the devastation in Gaza or the hateful violence perpetrated in the United States following it, you may have felt less than certain about the goodness of humanity and your role in it.
These included questions like these: is meditation really what we should be doing when the world has so many challenges? How can people even relax in such hard times? Is it even right to try to relax?
Though I’ve taken some time with these thoughts, I don’t know that I have definitive answers. Even so, here are three thoughts that have helped me stick with my practice and rely on it as a support in these troubled times.
1. Meditation Is Ideal for Giving Big Questions the Time and Space They Deserve.
“How can one meditate in troubled times?” That’s a big question. Of course, lawyers tend to love big questions. As a teacher and student of meditation, however, I have learned to treat them with a healthy amount of skepticism. After all, asking a big question often carries with it an urge for an immediate (and satisfying) answer. Law school and law practice train us to think we have to answer every question quickly and do so well.
If you pay attention, however, life shows us that time and curiosity may point us closer to the right direction. This is in part because big questions often don’t have just one right answer. Though law practice can force us to overlook this as we search for the “best” result for clients, there is usually more than one way to solve a problem. In fact, sometimes when we open our minds up, we may even see the problem itself differently.
And how can you open your mind up? Meditation is one way. This is not a trick. Once you let go of the idea that meditation is about clearing your mind, you realize that meditation may be the perfect thing to do when thoughts are rolling around in your head. Even if you don’t get answers right away, you may get some rest or find some peace. And that’s a win.
2. Mindfulness Can Help You Check for Doubt.
Of all people, lawyers should know that not all questions are really seeking information. In many cases, questions that start with the phrase “how can” are truly expressions of doubt.
Instead, I have experienced that doubts are often a mental manifestation of fear. When we are presented with challenging subjects and memories, fear is bound to arise. When we see the doubting questions as fear, we may learn how to take care of the fear instead of following the directions of the doubt.
If the state of the world is hurting your motivation to meditate, be compassionate with yourself but check for doubt too. It’s human to be alarmed about what is happening in the world and to question the meaning in what we do. But acting unconsciously based on doubt often leads way from meaning and goodness rather than back to it.
3. Meditation Is Resting Instead of Giving Up.
Meditation can be particularly hard on challenging days because it is sometimes described as “doing nothing.” When things in the world feel wrong, the idea of doing nothing can seem immoral. Couple this with the often misunderstood concept of “acceptance” and you can make yourself feel like a monster for taking a few minutes to breathe.
But meditating for a few minutes isn’t doing nothing in an absolute sense, is it? At most, it is doing nothing for a few minutes out of your day. My point here, of course, is that resting and giving up aren’t the same thing.
The reality is that meditation may be counterintuitive when our emotions are high and questions, rather than answers, pervade our minds. Despite this, I have found that meditation can be essential in precisely those times. It helps me give the big questions the time and space to bounce around, let go of doubt, and focus on strengthening the skills and capacities I need to continue trying to live an ethical life.
In short, I think experience–instead of pure logic–is more likely to show you how you can keep meditating in a world full of challenges. Rather than focusing on the merits of the practice itself, the better approach is to ask whether meditation will serve you now. Of course, this is a question to ask yourself every time you are thinking about practice and not merely on the hardest of days. To be a meaningful one, though, it must be safe for the answer to be “no.”
Self-care practices like meditation can be a wonderful way to take refuge when we encounter difficulty. But they serve us best when we don’t use them against ourselves. As you consider your meditation practice in the context of the broader world, always be kind to yourself.
If you decide that you want to try meditation, here is a practice inspired by Mr. Rogers that I developed for myself for hard days.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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As I discussed last week, it’s easy to get caught into the trap of identity about the kinds of people we are. When I teach mindfulness, therefore, sometimes I find myself subtly hinting at the idea that identity is not nearly as stable as we’d all like to think. But I usually try to avoid launching into a direct attack on identity because that can be pretty scary.
But here are the facts. The last two election cycles in the United States have been brutal. The next election coming in 2024 doesn’t look like it is going to be any easier. As someone with personal experience letting politics drive me crazy, I don’t judge anyone who feels this way.
Having been tossed about by polarized politics in America for years now, I started to wonder whether there is a better way. I don’t claim that this post offers the better way. That is, I don’t know that there is one way to do things better. In truth, I think there may be many better ways.
How to get ready for election year
What has been the better way for me? Well, it has been trying to learn how to judge a little bit less when it comes to politics. When I say this, I don’t mean to disengage. I still vote- even in primaries and especially in local races. I still donate. I pay attention to the issues and I call my representatives. However, the internal reactions- to elected officials, my neighbors, and the situation – I have had to learn to relax to save my own sanity.
Obviously, sticking with my meditation practice has been an essential component to this solution. Calming down and becoming aware of thoughts is a fundamental step to being mindful of judgments. But I noticed that I had been engaging in another form of mind training over the last year or so. I looked at my reading list and I saw a pattern of books that I had read (or read again) to help me watch my judgments this election year.
Here are the 5 books that have helped me understand things a bit better so I could judge a bit less and have more peace in the coming election year.
1. Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
I‘ve talked about loneliness a few times on this blog. Has it ever occurred to you that political polarization is happening at a time when loneliness is being recognized as a public health crisis? Sure, there are other factors at work here too, but Brown makes an interesting point in Braving the Wilderness (paid link).
She helps us see that what we want as humans – belonging and connection – is the exact opposite of what we find when we polarize and segregate ourselves. The point here is not to judge anyone for wanting a safe space with like-minded individuals, but instead to help us reevaluate how we can make spaces truly safe for all. If you need some courage or help eliminating shame and dehumanizing speech from your vocabulary (and trust me most of us do) check this book out.
2. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
So, you may be thinking, “fine I agree that we all want connection, but how can I possibly relate to people with whom I can’t even talk?” I’m not telling you to rush into protracted debates with people on the opposite end of the political spectrum. Nonviolent Communication, though, may help you learn some skills so you can understand people better (paid link).
This book is about owning and respecting our human needs and interests and doing the same for others. This sounds simple but it’s something you will probably hardly ever hear in ordinary communication at work and at home. Some of the references in this book are a bit dated, but the practices remain valuable and practical today.
3. Against Empathy by Paul Bloom
This one may sound surprising in this context. Nonviolent Communication, which I just recommended, strongly encourages empathy as a tool for communication. And, in fact, it can be. As Bloom points out in Against Empathy, though, it can also become a block to it. This book really isn’t against empathy in all cases. Rather, Bloom argues instead that empathy can create problems for us in moral decision-making.
Why? Well, in part because empathy “spotlights” certain individuals. Depending on our morality, we may disagree on who deserves the spotlight. Bloom argues instead for a “rational compassion” to guide our moral and policy decisions. As a teacher of compassion, I’m certainly inclined to agree. This book can help you see how emotions may come up in morality and politics in ways you may not have noticed before. That awareness may help you understand better how others process things so you can judge less and understand more.
4. Why We’re Polarized by Ezra Klein
I thoroughly enjoyed this book, but I have to admit that I recommend it with some hesitancy. This book didn’t make me feel better exactly, but it definitely helped me judge others different from me less. In Why We’re Polarized, the Vox founder did what he does best: he explains polarization (paid link). In particular, he explains why American politics as a system tends toward polarization and how that system polarizes all of us individuals in turn.
It examines the government structure, the parties as organizations, American history, and even the media to explain how polarization has evolved. Did this book change my political beliefs? No, not at all. Did it help me understand the factors that shaped my beliefs better? Absolutely. And it helped me consider how my fellow citizens are subject to the very same forces.
5. Love Your Enemies by Sharon Salzberg & Robert Thurman
Even if you learn to talk nicer and you understand more, the reality remains that people can still piss you off. That’s why the final book, Love Your Enemies, is about how to not get so pissed off all the time (paid link). Authors, Sharon Salzberg and Robert Thurman, say it is about loving enemies, but make no mistake it is really mostly about loving yourself.
Quite appropriately, the book starts off by talking about “external enemies” – the other people in our families, workplaces, and communities who drive us nuts. But you will be surprised to see how much of this is devoted to getting clear on your own pain and frustration and learning to care for it. Like I’ve discussed before when talking about compassion, this book is not about being a doormat. Instead, it’s about being brave enough to be kind in a world that sometimes isn’t.
These are the books that have helped me prepare to judge less, stay kind, without checking out too much during the next election year. As I said before, this isn’t an exhaustive list. What books would you add to this list? What other resources or practices are helping you stay steady these days?
The links to the books mentioned in this post are affiliate links. The reviews are unsponsored and sincere but the link to Amazon is paid.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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It’s Halloween today, so many of us may be watching scary movies or donning costumes and running door to door in pursuit of candy. What better day is there for lawyers to explore a scary concept: not-self.
If this phrase sounds awkward and weird to you, that’s because it is. It is the best attempt at an English translation from the Pali word “anatta” and the Sanskrit “anatman”, which in Buddhist philosophy refer to the idea that there is no stable, static, or lasting self.
Why Not-Self Is Both Scary and Exciting for Lawyers
Why does this concept make me afraid? The big reason is that it is hard to define. Not-self is a concept that most forms of secular Buddhism avoid. You may hear teachers mention the “ego” every now and then, but there is often little prompting for us to explore the foundations of our identity. As such, it’s not a concept that lends itself well to the blog format.
In addition, I’ll be honest that many lawyers (a large portion of my reading audience) may struggle with the idea of not-self. If I had to state the importance of identity and reputation for lawyers in a single word, I would spread my arms out wide like a little kid trying to demonstrate a really big thing and simply say “huge!”
My experience with it has felt (I can only imagine) like sky-diving. There is a surge of adrenaline when you see you are not stuck in the same old identity. All too soon, though, this is followed by a horrific pang wondering if the parachute will open and the new identity you hope to create will take.
Given all of this, maybe it’s best to consider the concept of not-self with fun and a sense of humor. This makes Halloween, with its costumes and candy almost poking fun at the human realities of change, decay, and death, an ideal framework to consider the concept. To that end, here are 3 reasons why exploring the concept of not-self can help you and 3 simple ways to get started.
3 Ways Exploring Not-Self Can Help Lawyers
Why would you want to dig in with a weird concept that makes you question who you are and how your identity was created? To put it simply, it can help undo some suffering. Here’s how.
1. Less Judgment
One of the hallmark principles of mindfulness practice is becoming aware of judgments. When you start to do this, you will learn that judgments are at the heart of a lot of our suffering. Of course, this isn’t to say that all difficulty in life is self-inflicted. When you pay attention, though, you realize that many life difficulties emanate from our reactions to life.
If you want to get clear about judgments, you almost have to explore identity. Think about it. When you judge, who is doing the judging? There is some identity deep down that is designating an experience, a situation, a person, or a choice as “good” or “bad.” But lawyers who play devil’s advocate and consider things from all angles know that the goodness or badness of a situation, person, or experience may depend on the perspective.
The thing is that perspective can be hard to see when we are so locked into our own. This is one big lesson from exploring not-self. We can remember that our perspective is the product of our experience and all the forces that shaped us in our lives. We can also remember times when we have felt certain in our perspective and identity, only to see it pass and change with time. When we loosen the grip of identity by considering these things, we can get some freedom from our judgments.
2. Activates Agency
I’ve written about habits on the blog a lot and I expect that I will write about them a lot in the future too. As I discussed when I reviewed Atomic Habits by James Clear, identity is a huge piece of the puzzle when it comes to habit formation. Why? Because willpower is like a muscle. It gets tired and takes energy to employ.
But when we shift identity, suddenly this new habit isn’t an exercise of pure will. It’s just us being ourselves. The problem is, of course, is that the pull of identity is strong. Eerie as it can sometimes be, not-self offers a way out of this trap. It helps us remember that, just like our identities are formed by our experiences, we can shift those identities (at least to some degree) with new conduct.
This does not mean that building new habits or making change is easy. I’m not sure anything can make that easy. In my experience, though, it has made the discomfort of doing these things more bearable. Even when a new activity is truly wholesome, it can feel awkward and churn up lots of doubt and anxiety. The concept of not-self has helped to normalize this experience for me.
Though I may long for the security of my familiar sameness, I know that the security is illusory at best. This helps me be brave because it reminds me that there isn’t a haven where I can avoid feeling insecure about my identity. Faced with this choice of insecurity caused by inertia or insecurity caused by living life on my terms, it’s a lot easier to move towards what I want.
3. More Connection
What happens when you judge less? In general, you open up more. That’s one reason the concept of not-self can help you open up to connection with others.
Likewise, judging others less may open up opportunities for connection you never expected. Look, I know it is exceedingly easy to judge other people right now. Our brains want to categorize and sort humanity into in and out groups. Our social media feeds are designed to accelerate this process. Even advertising contributes to rigid identities by forever constructing brand allegiance.
It’s not kind to yourself or wise to pretend that you can simply stop judging the people around you and those who differ from you in meaningful ways. But when you explore how your identity is created and perpetuated, you start to ask those same questions for other people. At a minimum, this can make you less harsh and stark in your view. Over time, you may find barriers coming down and new possibilities for connection emerging.
3 Easy Ways Lawyers Can Explore Not-Self
This sounds good and all, you may be saying to yourself, but how on earth do I start to “explore the concept of not-self”? It’s a good question and one that is not easily answered. Plumbing the depths of identity and watching it shift and change over time is something we could do our whole lives. To keep you from getting overwhelmed with this, here are a few small and less scary ways to start.
1. Get to Know Yourself
Getting to know who you are is a good step for understanding the instability of identity. Like many concepts from Buddhism, not-self is one that is best understood from experience. Learning about who you are is a one way to get that experience.
Personality tests or psychological assessments may give you some insights into your patterns. I have taken a few of the personality tests used in business, including Meyers-Briggs, Predictive Index, and the Enneagram. Things like Strengths Finder or even Gretchen Rubin’s 4 categories may offer some insights. You can’t take these tests to reveal truth with a capital T but you can see some patterns.
There is one caveat if you start looking at personality patterns: it could without balance lead to the idea that you “are who you are.” We’ve all said this line. Sometimes we say to mean we aren’t going to kill ourselves trying to live up to someone else’s standards. Sometimes we say it to defend an unpopular opinion when we aren’t interested in rational argument. Whatever the reason, it conveys the idea that are personalities are set in stone.
For times in our lives, this might be true. We may be stable for a while and feel secure. Inevitably, though, most of would admit that conditions change. As you are exploring your identity, therefore, don’t just focus on what you are like. It may help to consider the conditions, including the people, who got you there.
These reckonings may also help with employing compassion and understanding for those with whom we disagree. Just like loving-kindness practice, I don’t recommend forcing this analysis with your worst enemies right away. But, you can start small by thinking of the conditions that led someone to take the action you dislike. It may not mean forgiveness, but it may allow you a chance to let go of the hurt.
3. Look for Stories and Scripts
But where is meditation in all of this? I wrote this whole post and have hardly talked about meditation at all. Not-self is something that you may only get glimpses of in life, so it is a hard thing to practice in meditation. It’s not impossible, however.
One way to explore this concept in meditation is keep asking “who” is there. Who is doing all of this thinking? Who is hearing that sound? Who is feeling that emotion? Of course, it is you but try to find the conscious choice behind all of those things. If you find it, I’ll be surprised because I’m still looking. There isn’t really a “who” but just awareness. That’s where not-self gets a bit spooky.
Over time, though, you can get comfortable just chilling in awareness and you can start to see things play out with more space. This is where you can see stories and scripts and patterns play out. They might be your tendency to doubt yourself or turn yourself into a victim or your savior complex. With time, you can watch in life how following these stories and scripts plays out for you. That’s when you can harness some of the agency mentioned above and think about creating a new story you actually want to live.
Exploring Not-Self Is Hard but Liberating
This is my run down on the good, the bad, and the slightly creepy about not-self. I hope it helped you see that Halloween may not be all that different from our lives everyday. We put masks on a lot and play roles all of the time. It’s not bad to do. It’s part of being human. But ultimately, part of being human is learning when to stop playing the role, take off the mask, and just be us. Exploring not-self is weird and a bit scary but it may offer you a chance at freedom too.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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When I teach compassion, one of the things I always say is that the giver of compassion is the first person to benefit. This is true from a scientific standpoint; the act of compassion causes the release of the hormones associated with satisfaction, love, and connection. Life experience has also helped me learn the truth of this idea too.
On hard days, my favorite meditation practice is loving-kindness. This practice is one intended to help you expand your heart and send kind wishes out. It starts with yourself and your inner circle, then expands to neutral and difficult people, and even the whole world. The end result, as I have often found, is that my dark and stormy mood turns to gratitude, openness, and even hope.
Here are the five reasons why loving-kindness practice helps.
1. Loving-Kindness Meditation Feels Good.
On hard days, it makes sense to take care of ourselves. Think about some of the typical things you might do in order to care for yourself on a hard day. It might be taking a warm bath, making a nice cup of tea, wrapping yourself in a warm blanket, talking to a friend, or taking a a walk. The pattern with all of these things is that they are all comforting, soothing, warming, nourishing, and supportive.
Loving-kindness practice is too. For one thing, it starts with sending kindness to yourself and tending to your own needs. Then it moves on to connect with your loved ones and ultimately the whole of humanity. It’s not intended only as a mental exercise either. The object of the practice is to cultivate feelings of loving-kindness.
If you give yourself time and pay attention, you will find that love feels good. It feels warm, open, expansive, and soothing. Though it might be hard to transition to such a practice on a hard day, it is a perfect one for a hard day for this reason.
2. Loving-Kindness Meditation Is a Sneaky Gratitude Practice.
We all know the studies about gratitude. It is good for your mental health. It grounds you and connects you which might be great on a hard day. The only problem is, of course, that gratitude on a hard day can be a challenge.
Have you ever experienced difficulty and had a well-meaning loved one tell you to “be grateful” or to “think of all of your blessings”? How does that go? My experience is that it usually feels like a deflection and leads to hostility. Forcing yourself to feel good when you feel bad does not work.
Loving-kindness is not about force. It’s just about well wishes. And after you send those wishes to yourself, the practice guides you to a loved one and then a mentor. Gratitude is not the intent of the practice but that is almost always what I feel. I also remember that I am not alone in facing whatever hardship is there.
I call this a “sneaky” gratitude practice because it’s not a goal of the practice. Because I let the pressure come off with loving-kindness, I find gratitude often emerges on its own.
3. Loving-Kindness Meditation Reminds You of Your Place in the World.
Have you ever noticed how your mind shifts and morphs on hard days? It can make everything seem terrible, bad, and rotten. It can make you think only bad things about yourself and others. It can also cause you to doubt yourself and believe goodness is not possible and change will never come.
What I find with this practice is that it reminds me of my place in the world. I may not be able to change the news cycle or the government or even the results in a particular case. The practice shows me, however, that I can show care to myself, my family, and even avoid doing extra harm to the people I find challenging. I see this as reminding me of my daily work and my everyday power.
4. Loving-Kindness Meditation Is Flexible.
One of these barriers is that many people struggle with sending loving-kindness to themselves. In addition, the later stages of practice call for you to send kind wishes out to “difficult people” and strangers. This might be a challenge on easy days and feel impossible on hard days.
In fact, even if you do a traditional loving-kindness practice with the whole list of people, the guidance typically is to not try to send kind wishes to your worst enemy first. In addition, you can even change the phrases to suit your particular needs best. The practice is intended to be flexible and individuated.
On a hard day when our thoughts are heavy, modifying loving-kindness practice is a way to meet ourselves where we are. This act of loving-kindness, you will likely find, is a condition that may help you cultivate more kindness for others over time.
5. Loving-Kindness Meditation Helps You Offer What Is Needed.
It’s comparatively easy to mirror back the emotion we are picking up from the rest of the world. When we have a hard day, it is so natural to stay with all the hard emotions that come with it. And in life, when we are greeted with hostility and judgment it’s so simple to just mirror that emotion and send it back.
One thing about meditation that has been a huge change is the recognition that I don’t have to do this, at least not every time. Sometimes, I have found, I am able to pick up a lot of emotion from circumstances, others, or my own head, and I can choose something else. On really special occasions, I can make the choice to offer what is needed and it has made all the difference.
On a hard day, what is needed? Most of the time, it is love and kindness though of course we need to remember that love and kindness can and should include firm action. I like loving-kindness as a practice on hard days because it is practicing offering what is needed in the world. It helps me find hope, courage, and stability on days when those are in short supply.
These are the reasons I come back to loving-kindness practice on hard days. If you want to try the practice for yourself, check out the Cultivating Kindness and Sending It Out Guided Meditation. This one is crafted for hard days because it starts with your loved ones and then turns to yourself before sending kindness out. You can check it out on YouTube or on Insight Timer.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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Founder’s Note: One of my favorite stories from the Buddha is when he tells his right hand man, Ananda, that “noble friends and noble conversations” are the “whole of holy life.” Sometimes you show up to a new place and these people are clearly labeled for you. Sue Noble is one of the first people I met on my first residential retreat. She seemed like a leader in the group but never acted authoritative. She was open and kind and always made me feel welcome and included. Sue has been meditating for many years and active with the Buddhist Dharma Center here in Cincinnati. I know other may feel strange visiting the Dharma or Zen Center in their community, so I asked Sue to do this interview to help others envision what they might expect.
1. Please tell me about yourself and your work with the Dharma Center.
I’m in a 12 step recovery program and the 11th step has to do with prayer and meditation. I was rather resistant to the idea of prayer to some deity and focused more on meditation. After a couple years of trying it on my own (with not much of what felt like success!) I spoke to a couple people I had heard talk about meditation. One person gave me a copy of Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn. The book was intimidating, but it came with a CD of guided meditations. My other friend directed me to the Buddhist Dharma Center’s Wednesday evening beginner’s session.
I attended those sessions for 10 years, eventually becoming one of the peer leaders, introducing others to the practice of meditation and the teachings of Buddhism. That led to me begin teaching some University of Cincinnati Communiversity courses, starting a Buddhism and 12 Steps group, and becoming a member of the Board. I’ve also started a book group and a couple contemplative reading groups at the Center.
2. What does a Dharma Center do? Why would a professional like a lawyer want to visit a Dharma Center? What could they expect to gain from the experience?
The Buddhist Dharma Center of Cincinnati provides an open and supportive environment for practicing meditation and studying the dharma. Our purpose is to cultivate a path which leads to awakening through:
Maintaining a weekly schedule of silent group meditation
Providing instruction in simple sitting and walking meditation common to all Buddhist traditions
Offering opportunities to deepen one’s practice through dharma study, periodic extended meditation, open discussions, and dharma talks
Supporting dharma practice at all levels
Sharing a compassionate approach to life with the larger community.
Openness and inclusivity are at the heart of dharma teachings and practice; the center is committed to kindness and respect for others, regardless of race, religion, cultural expressions, gender, gender identity, age or abilities. All are welcome!
We’re really a very casual, relaxed place. There’s no teacher, no affiliation with any other group–we truly are just a group of people who want to practice and study together.
3. How might the discussion or practice of meditation/mindfulness differ from what someone might encounter at a yoga studio or other source of secular mindfulness?
I practice in the Theravedan, or Insight Tradition, where the primary form of meditation is Vipassana which means “seeing clearly.” So for me the reason for meditating isn’t to relieve stress, calm my mind, or become less reactive (those are all great things!), but to clearly see how this mind works. The Buddha taught that suffering arises from craving and that craving arises in the mind. The way out of suffering is to clearly see the nature of the craving and how it leads to suffering. So meditation is part of the path to total liberation!
I use the example of experiencing opera. My first experience was listening to Sunday afternoon opera from the Metropolitan on a small radio. It was probably AM! But I was enchanted. Then some years later I heard and saw Beverly Sills on the Ed Sullivan Show and a new appreciation grew. Then I saw an entire production of an opera on TV and experienced the visual element of opera. And finally, I saw a live opera in a theater and was blown away by the sensory/emotional experience. Every single one of those experiences was valid and valuable. Any form of meditation is valid and valuable, but when held in the context of the Buddha’s teachings, meditation takes on a much more profound and life-altering meaning.
4. Is there any etiquette or are there rules for visiting the Dharma Center? How can someone be a good guest?
We ask that you follow the below guidelines to help ensure an environment and culture that honors the Dharma and this space of practice, teaching and inquiry.
Please arrive a few minutes before a session starts
Once inside, before meditation begins, please remove your shoes and place under the bench along the wall.
Maintain silence during meditation.
Dress modestly, in attire appropriate to the occasion.
Turn off your phone and other noise making devices.
You may leave a session during walking meditation, which is also the time to use the restroom.
Keep your valuables with you during meditation.
The center has cushions, chairs and benches for meditation. Please brush off and straighten your cushion after meditation concludes.
5. Do you have to be a Buddhist or a religious person to benefit from practices or teachings at the Dharma Center? Is any experience with meditation required?
In our Buddhism and 12 Step group we say “No meditation experience or particular faith or spiritual practice is required. Neither is membership in a twelve step program. We are simply people exploring the path out of the suffering brought about by craving and clinging in whatever form it arises.”
Our Wednesday night group is especially good for people new to meditation. There are shorter guided meditations, brief teaching and time for check-in and discussion.
6. Are there any resources you’d like to share for those new to meditation?
I’m a huge fan of the Insight Timer Meditation App. There are thousands of guided meditations, a timer so you can set the length of time you want to sit, and even a way of tracking your meditation. I’ve also found tricycle.org to be very helpful. It’s a print/online magazine with articles from all different Buddhist traditions. It’s a great way to explore different styles of meditation.
7. What is the most important thing you’d like those new to meditation, mindfulness, or Buddhism to understand?
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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The events in Jerusalem last weekend have been devastating for so many friends for a variety of reasons. This post is offered as a wish for all of the blog’s readers and friends to be happy, healthy, safe, and at ease.
On September 11th, a woman in my dorm brought me along with a group to give blood. In 2017, after the bruising election season of 2016, my mom’s group organized a donation drive to support local homeless shelters. Even though these acts didn’t solve the problems that motivated them, they did good and they helped me remember that there is always good to do.
The event is Sunday, October 15th at 7 PM PST/10 PM EST on Zoom. You can register here. Registration is required to obtain the link to join on Zoom but the event is free and open to all. I hope that you can join us but if not I plan to have a recording of the meditation on Insight Timer and in our Guided Meditations soon.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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What if I told you that there was a simple way to improve mental health in the legal profession? If there was something small you could do, even for the opposing counsel you dislike, you’d do it, right? Maybe you’d grumble about how opposing counsel would never do something so selfless. But in the end, you’d try because you are a good person.
So what is this simple thing: stop shaming and blaming your opposing counsel. (Note: whenever a meditation teacher tells you something is “simple” they pick that word to distinguish it from “easy.”)
If you are anything like me, I bet you didn’t like reading that line at all. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t suffer fools kindly. I’m the kind of person who calls a spade a spade. When someone is wrong, in particular about the law or in a way that could hurt my client, I say it loud and clear.
At least, that’s how I used to think about it. But then I paid a little more attention to my emotions. I got some training in things like mindfulness and compassion. And I realized how devastating, terrible, and powerful the emotion shame can be.
Now, I have only rarely experienced yelling or truly calculated shaming from other lawyers in my fifteen years of practice. On this account, I have seen the profession become kinder and gentler over the years. But the thoughtless, everyday shaming? That doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
Despite this, I don’t believe that most lawyers are bad people intent on harming each other. In fact, most of my experiences with other lawyers strongly suggest the opposite. However, we are a profession trained extensively in the art of stating positions, assigning blame, and making judgments.
If we don’t take care, that’s a combination that can lead to some pretty hurtful statements. As a lawyer who cares deeply about my work, I have to watch that my legal position does not become a moral crusade against my opponent. It’s also easy to let my judgments about a case morph into judgments about the character of my opposing counsel. Finally, litigation lends itself so well to pointing out the party at fault that the next logical step is to hurl blame at opposing counsel.
Here’s the problem, though, this feels terrible and it makes life miserable. For lawyers who spend huge amounts of our lives at work, using this kind of language sets us all up for a profession steeped in hostility and negativity. With so much negativity and other challenges in life, do we really need this at work too? No we don’t.
So, how can we start to watch out for shame and blame in our communications without sacrificing their impact? Here are a few tips that have helped me.
1. Focus on the issues.
The first thing you can do to avoid shaming and blaming opposing counsel is to get clear about the purpose of your communication. What is your client’s interest? What is your goal for the meeting or call or hearing? If you get clear about this, it will help you keep you focused on what matters in the case and avoid getting distracted by emotions that can arise like frustration or fear. So, before you take a position, get clear on what it is and how it serves your client.
2. Note the emotional tone in your communications.
This is a simple one, but it is often overlooked. When you are communicating, especially to someone who is difficult for you, pay attention to how you feel. If you are upset, the odds are that the tone is going to come through in your message. Take a moment to calm down. Notice how the other person looks and adjust.
If you are writing an email, stop and take a pause before you hit “send.” Get away from your keyboard if you are really upset. When you are calm, read back through the email and imagine someone else reading it. Revise as if you care about how that person feels.
I know that it can feel great to tell opposing counsel exactly how you feel about them. Remember that this feeling doesn’t last long nearly as long as the consequences of your words. Paying attention to the emotion that comes through with your language is not taking it easy on the other side, so much as it is about maintaining your power to live your values.
3. Avoid character judgments.
Sometimes character is in issue for lawyers, but only in very rare situations. Even when it is relevant to a case, the character of the opposing party may not be relevant to most of your discussions. Look out for judgments leaching out that may come in phrases like “should”, “ought” or adjectives about a person’s character.
Not only can you sometimes be wrong about people, but also the judgments almost always put people on the defensive and lead to fights. Whether you respect someone’s opinion or not, a harsh judgment never feels good and makes even the best of us feel like we have to defend our own honor.
So, as tempting at it may be, avoid scolding an attorney for not counseling their clients properly or telling them that they don’t understand the “kind of person” their client is. Even if it is true, it’s not helpful and is unlikely to lead to anything good for you or your client.
4. Don’t engage in emotional warfare.
It still boggles my mind, but I still encounter lawyers who think they can scare other lawyers into submission. My dear esteemed colleagues, this doesn’t work. Yelling doesn’t make you sound tough; it makes you sound out of control. Making comments that you have “never agreed” to certain contract language isn’t legal analysis. Instead, it’s a manipulative tactic meant to make to shame the other side to coerce them into accepting your language.
I know this is a hard lesson to learn but lawyers can’t control opposing counsel with force of will alone. State your position. Provide good reasons for it, be clear about your best alternative option, and many times you will get good results. If you try to use your emotions to push the other side around, though, you will wear yourself out, waste precious resources, and create hostile relationships with opposing counsel.
5. Avoid tit for tat.
The last rule is the most annoying but probably the most essential. If other lawyers break all the rules stated above, it doesn’t mean you should. By this, I don’t suggest that you should always ignore the behavior without reproach. Instead, I think it is within your rights to tell opposing counsel if their comments are irrelevant, unproductive, or even harmful. You can and should set boundaries and, in more extreme cases, enforce them with judicial intervention.
But you can do those things by refocusing on the relevant issues, noting and respecting the emotions involved, and avoiding the character attacks and judgments that lead to more fights. On the times when I have been ablet to do this, I have always felt empowered that I could stick to my values instead of letting my actions be dictated by someone else. Avoiding shame or blame as retaliation isn’t merely ignoring bad behavior, but is instead a conscious choice to use ethical and effective communication.
Like I said, these steps are simple but not easy. They are small adjustments you can make to your communications to do less harm. While I hope all lawyers consider the impact that their words may have on opposing counsel’s mental health, my experience has been that the less I blame and shame others the better I feel.
Just in case you don’t believe that I know how hard it can be to stay calm in response to opposing counsel’s nasty communications, I made a meditation just for the occasion. Check out this Guided Meditation to help you deal with a Nasty Email here or on Insight Timer:
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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