Tag Archives: anxiety

How Mindfulness Helps Break Mental Patterns

Image of lawyer breaking through glass wall with title of blog post that says "How Mindfulness Helps Break Mental Patterns"

Seeing your mental patterns clearly is one of the biggest benefits of a mindfulness practice. I experienced this recently and the results of a few minutes of meditation were so pronounced that I had to write about it. I had a big attack of anxiety about a party with my law firm. Despite this beginning, the night was actually really fun. I had an amazing time and ended up singing “Pink Pony Club” in front of my colleagues without the slightest feeling of fear.

So what changed? How did I go from social anxiety to social butterfly in the course of a night? The long story is that I have practiced mindfulness for more than a decade. The short answer relevant to this particular situation is that I spotted my mental pattern.

This post will share some steps for recognizing and navigating challenging mental patterns with mindfulness and self-compassion.

What Are Mental Patterns?

People new to meditation are likely to notice that the mind generates a lot of thoughts. If you keep meditating long enough, you eventually will see that thoughts are often not original. Many of the same thoughts repeat themselves or fall into categories.

These can fall into a wide array of categories, but many people have a select few that dominate their minds. Some examples include obsession with planning, a recurrent theme of self-doubt, or even a preoccupation with past harms or slights.

One of my most obnoxious mental patterns is the anxiety that arises around social settings. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to shake the fear of being rejected in a social situations. This can make it hard to enjoy myself during the networking events and parties that lawyers often have to attend.

Clearly, taken to the extreme or left unchecked, patterns like this can cause us to feel shame, and miss out on connection, opportunities, and fun. This is why learning to recognize and navigate mental patterns is one of the most important power moves that mindfulness practice can offer.

The Problem: Mental Patterns Can Be Tricky

Here’s the problem with well-worn mental patterns: we often don’t recognize them for what they are. Many lawyers are too busy to pay close attention to our thoughts and feelings. We also are often intent on projecting an image of strong self-assuredness.

So, when nasty mental patterns arise, they can be hard to spot. These patterns don’t announce themselves. Instead, they slink in through the back door of your mind and whisper awful things about you and your life. They have the bleakest and most savage view of every situation.

In my case, the pattern revealed itself by creating little worries about nearly everything associated with the event. My mind criticized the outfit I had selected. It worried about whether my shoes would be too uncomfortable. It offered concerns about whether I would be too tired to have fun. It presented me with mental imagery of me standing alone in a crowded room with nobody to talk to.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Image with quote from blog post that says "mental patterns don't announce themselves. Instead, they slink in through the back door of your mind and whisper awful things about you and your life."

Mindfulness Can Help You Recognize Mental Patterns

After a while of these nagging thoughts, I started to zoom out and get some perspective. Instead of seeing the thoughts as individual rational reflections, I saw them for what they were. These thoughts were the manifestation of my social anxiety.

This hardly sounds like good news, right? I know it is counterintuitive to feel relief that a litany of negative self-talk is *just* one’s anxiety. Even so, there is a very practical benefit to be had from recognizing that the worrisome thoughts are part of a pattern.

An implicit idea underlying all of my nasty thoughts was the idea that I was not good enough and would never be good enough. This is a constant lie that anxiety tells me. But when I saw the mental pattern as just my social anxiety talking, I realized that it was not the voice of reason. I stopped believing it for a moment and that gave me enough space to break free.

The Practice: Holding the Toxic Mental Pattern in Mindful Awareness

When I created enough space, I saw that I was struggling. So I did the thing that I have trained myself over years to do: I took a pause.

It is not a fun to sit and let nasty thoughts just bounce around in your mind. I am sure that this is why so many people say that they can’t meditate. Trust me, I get it. It truly sucks.

Over the years, however, I have learned something cool. If you can sit and let the thoughts bounce around in your mind, they don’t hurt so much. Sometimes the thoughts change. Sometimes other insights arise to counter them. Or sometimes the thoughts just bounce around until they lose energy and they just stop or disappear.

With this experience, I knew that I should just meditate for a few minutes and let the thoughts do whatever they wanted. I let them wash over me and thrash around. All the while I kept returning my focus to my breath or softening and relaxing my body.

Finally, the big insight came that I was nervous about the party. My thoughts weren’t truths. They were signs of my fear. They were signals that I wanted to connect with people, but was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do so.

The Red Flag: Don’t Judge Yourself

In years past, noticing a childlike vulnerability like this in myself might have made me feel worse. But in my case, this was actually the path forward. Years of mindfulness practice, has taught me a lot about self-compassion. That has helped me cultivate a healthy dose of caution when it comes to self-judgment.

Instead of feeling like a loser about my anxiety, I recognized that I just needed some self-assurances. I needed to take care of my fear. First, I offered myself some perspective by reminding myself that this was supposed to be fun instead of a test. Then I remembered that I did not have to stay at the party for any specific period and could leave if it wasn’t fun.

Finally, I drew on common humanity to remember that I was probably not the only person who had these fears. I recalled that social situations are hard for a lot of people and that we had several other new people in the firm. In reality, most of us were too busy, but we made the effort to attend the party because connection matters.

Image sharing the four steps to break mental patterns with mindfulness as shared in the blog post: recognize, hold it in awareness, use self-compassion, and disobey the pattern.

The Result: Being Brave Enough to Break the Pattern

The final step of the process is to break the pattern. Once you see the pattern, investigate it, and take care of yourself, the only way to get out of a pattern is to disobey it.

I won’t lie. This is really hard. If you are new to mindfulness practice, it may not always be possible to get out of mental patterns so easily or you may have to take baby steps. As someone who has practiced mindfulness for more than a decade, I have learned that part of changing my patterns is acceptance.

Life experience helps me run a quick cost benefit analysis whenever my anxiety flares up. I know that fear, worry, and nerves are often going to be part of many social activities I undertake. So I sit with them, take care of my fear, and then make the brave choice to proceed anyway.

Before the party, all my anxious thoughts were attempted roadblocks. They were concocted objections and warnings trying to convince me to skip the party. Life experience has taught me that the best way to silence those thoughts was to take their power. I did that by ignoring them. I just decided to go to the party and be afraid. A few minutes in at the party, I wasn’t afraid anymore.

Conclusion: Mindfulness Practice Is One Way to Check Mental Patterns

Don’t get me wrong here. There are a lot different types of mental patterns. All of us cannot necessarily expect to face those mental patterns on our own. We all deserve the support of trusted friends, medication, and other mental health treatment to face down our most challenging mental patterns, including those relating to anxiety. Even so, one of the great blessings of mindfulness practice is that it can help you support yourself and build the skills to check, disrupt, and break free from some of the mental patterns that hold you back.

This post is just one example of how this can be done, but once you learn a process that works for you it can help you many times over the course of your life. I hope that, like I was able to do in the example shared here, you can recognize difficult mental patterns before they keep you from doing the things you want to do in life.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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How to Stop Procrastination with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion

Cover image for post with professional woman making paper airplane at desk instead of working with title "How to Stop Procrastination with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion"

I made progress on a major project (my first novel) this weekend when I sent off a draft to a beta reader. This felt like an accomplishment, but it made me think about procrastination.

At this point in my life, I am the opposite of a procrastinator. I love getting things done. In fact, I feel uncomfortable when projects linger. They literally clog up my brain and make it hard for me to focus on anything new.

This was not always the case, though, because I used to struggle to start on projects both at home and at work. What changed? To put it simply, mindfulness and compassion came into my life and that changed my approach.

What Is Procrastination?

Before I jump into explaining how to solve procrastination, it is important to define what I mean. When I talk about the issue here, I am not talking about a simple lack of time. Many lawyers and professionals may have too much work or lack sufficient time and resources to handle it.

I’m also not talking about the rational choice to defer a decision or action on a project. As a mindfulness teacher, the best approach in some situations can be waiting. As a lawyer, I can say that inaction can sometimes be a good risk management approach.

On the other hand, procrastination is quite different. It occurs when you have the time to get started on a project and it is in your best interests to do so but you choose to delay action.

Is Procrastination Really a Problem?

Research on procrastination is still developing and there is not a clear consensus on its causes across populations or settings. The impact of procrastination, though, is clear. It increases suffering, adversely affects well-being, and lowers performance.

Sure, there may be times when procrastination can seem to lead to good results. Most lawyers I know, myself included, have had times when the last minute buzz of energy helps us finish a brief or other project in record time. Sometimes this can even feel exciting or fun.

What is not fun, though, is the other side of procrastination. The hours spent worrying about something instead of acting on it are soul-sucking. The shame and regret that come with not managing one’s time well are also no fun to experience.

An image with a quote as explained in the blog post that procrastination is a habit that can be changed

Can you learn to stop procrastinating?

Because researchers are still debating the causes of procrastination, they also do not agree on the best interventions to stop it. With that said, there is research that interventions can reduce procrastination, which suggests that it is possible to learn to manage it.

This has been my experience too. Over the years, I transformed myself from a task avoider to someone who relishes getting things done. Yes, of course, being a blogger and having a recurring weekly deadline to publish posts has been a great habit-building exercise in this regard.

But truthfully the thing that helped me stop procrastinating was the realization that it only increased my suffering. With mindfulness and self-compassion I was able to change this behavior over time. Here are the four steps I took and the ones I still use when the urge to avoid a task arises.

1. Identify Procrastination

Awareness is the first step to solving any issue. Though delay on a project can be a sign of procrastination, it isn’t sufficient in itself. Busy people may have a variety of legitimate reasons outside of their control that can impede starting a task.

The key question, then, is whether the delay is occurring despite (a) the opportunity to begin work; and (b) knowledge that the work is a priority. When these two things are present but you still struggle to get started or create excuses to avoid the work, you know you are dealing with procrastination.

2. Self-Compassion

Shame, guilt, and other forms of self-reproach are common responses to procrastination, but they aren’t helpful ones. As I frequently advocate for in other difficult situations, self-compassion is the better route. Self-compassion is correlated with positive behavior change, including correcting procrastination.

After you raise awareness to procrastination, you can invoke self-compassion by remembering common humanity. This problem is one that many people struggle with across the world and is quite a human challenge. If this is hard for you to accept, remember that self-compassion is not about excusing bad or problematic conduct, but instead giving yourself what you need to do your best.

Image with the 4 steps to ending procrastination as shared in the blog post

3. Manage Conditions

Some lawyers and professionals may hear the phrase “give yourself what you need” and think it sounds like woo-woo new age drivel. When I say it here, though, I mean it in a practical sense. Sometimes this means giving yourself some basic kindness.

But in practical terms it really means managing conditions. For example, if you hate the idea of working on a project, you may decide to take the smallest possible step forward or break it into chunks to help yourself. If you are scared or unsure about an issue, talking it over with a colleague or trusted friend can help you face the challenge. Doing what you can to make facing the project less scary, boring, lonely, or overwhelming is kind to yourself but also practical.

4. Learn from Experience

If you struggle with procrastination, the odds are that you won’t learn to stop it overnight. It may take some trial and error. Even when you struggle, though, there is still one thing you can do to avoid repeating the behavior. That step is to pay close attention.

Yes, this is a stereotypical thing for a mindfulness teacher to say. It’s also effective. The one thing that really helped me kick my procrastination habit was the recognition that it only made my life worse. For one thing, it made my anxiety last longer. It also intensified my fears to challenging levels as the relevant deadline approached.

In a few cases, I saw how my work suffered or was not as good as it could have been if I hadn’t delayed starting the work. Of course, these assessments have to be done without beating yourself up to allow for a clear view of the situation. If you can see clearly, though, life experience can be the best teacher when it comes to procrastination.

Conclusion

Procrastination is difficult to experience but may be even more challenging to stop. With self-compassion, mindfulness, and time, you can make a change. Once you do, you may learn like I did that the exhilaration of moving a major project forward feels even better than the last minute rush the day before a deadline.

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Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

How to Stop Doomscrolling: 5 Essential Steps

Blog post cover image with title How to Stop Doomscrolling: 5 Essential Steps

As an anxious person, I have to be cautious about the amount of news I allow myself to consume. I try my best to focus on what matters most to my work and my community. When things are out of my control, I try my best to let go. Usually, this means I don’t allow myself much time for doomscrolling.

In the last few weeks, natural disasters, political tumult, and other challenges have caused my anxiety levels to rise. To some degree, this is normal. Change leads to uncertainty and uncertainty wants to be resolved. The siren song of the internet promising endless information and quick answers is hard to resist.

The thing is that doomscrolling usually leaves me feeling more confused and anxious and it is usually a huge waste of time. In case you are experiencing this now or ever struggle with it, here are five steps that may help you stop doomscrolling.

1. Recognize That You Are Doomscrolling.

The first step to ending doomscrolling may be the hardest to implement. Many lawyers and professionals often use the internet as a tool to address anxieties about our work. We may notice an issue, feel concerned, and take to the internet to gather legal authority or facts to solve the problem.

In my experience, doomscrolling starts much the same way. I come across something alarming and then I unconsciously start searching and clicking in the hopes of finding something to make me feel better. The problem, of course, is that the internet offers ready access to information but meaning can be harder to find. This means that the searching could go on endlessly and it is likely, and often does, raise more anxieties that will need to addressed.

So what are the signs of doomscrolling? It can vary for each of us but the salient features I have come to recognize are: sprawling or directionless searching, an investment of time with no meaningful return, and fear or anxiety.

2. Pause and Bring Awareness to What You Are Doing.

When you start to sense that you are doomscrolling, it can be hard to stop. In the midst of relentless searching, your mind may become scattered, race towards the future, and overwhelm itself with information. To disrupt the cycle, though, you can pause and return your awareness to the present moment.

One way to do this is to literally remove your hand from the mouse or put your phone face down or ideally out of reach. Close your eyes, take a breath, and notice how your body feels. Ask yourself whether the scrolling is helping or hurting. One question I often ask myself when I find myself mindlessly scrolling or clicking around is “what am I looking for?” If I can’t answer the question, it’s a great sign that it’s time move on to something else.

3. Identify and Acknowledge the Emotion Hiding Beneath the Scrolling.

If you are sure that you are doomscrolling but are struggling to stop, you may need to get up and away from your device and proceed right on to step 5. Assuming the temptation to keep scrolling is in check, however, I find it helpful to acknowledge what caused the doomscrolling in the first place.

As noted above, when doomscrolling is happening fear or anxiety is often involved. Even when I have a good sense of the emotion, though, I find it helpful to get more specific. For example, I may note or say to myself the specific fear or concern that started my scrolling. This helps me to honor my emotions and get some distance from them.

4. Take Care of that Emotion.

If at all possible, it helps to take one moment more to do something to care for the emotions that started the doomscrolling. Where possible, avoid judging yourself for doomscrolling or being afraid. The world is complex, information is all around, and life changes fast. Given how much information is available to us all, it’s easy to get sucked into an information anxiety loop.

Recalling this fact alone may help you see the common humanity in your situation and that of other people. This is an essential element of self-compassion that can help you care for the fear that may be lurking beneath the doomscrolling. I also find it to be empowering too. Even though I may be unable to solve all (or any) of the world problems my doomscrolling revealed, I find that I am at least able to take care for myself when I am afraid.

Image with 5 tips to stop doomscrolling that are shared in the blog post

5. Do Something Useful, Pleasant, or Kind.

It is not possible to tell your mind to not think of whatever caused the anxiety and prompted the doomscrolling. The mind does not work that way. What you can do with the mind, however, is shift attention to something else. In this way, you can care for your mind and your your emotions after doomscrolling by doing something else that engages your attention.

Since doomscrolling is emotionally challenging, generally negative, and often useless, the best antidote to it is to do the opposite. Find an an activity that is useful, pleasant, kind, or ideally all three of those things. Experience has taught me that movement, creativity, getting outside and away from technology, and real human contact are the most effective answers to doomscrolling. They remind me of my present moment reality, the people and things I care about most, and my power to do good even in an imperfect and confusing world.

Conclusion

Doomscrolling happens to the best of us but it can easily make a bad situation worse. Knowing how to recognize and stop doomscrolling is an essential skill for contemporary life and challenging times. With mindful awareness and self-compassion, you can stop doom scrolling, care for the fear that started it, and put your time and energy to better use.

If you need any additional strategies for staying calm in the midst of difficulty, check out the Coping Strategies for Difficult Times ebook.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Need Support This Election Day? Find It Here.

Image with details about meditations offered by the Mindfulness in Law Society to provide community and support during election day

If you haven’t voted already, I hope that you have a plan to do so. I was lucky to early vote yesterday few challenges and only a short wait. The only bad thing about this is that now all I can do is wait for the election results.

Waiting is not something I enjoy in normal circumstances. Most of us, regardless of political persuasion, would probably agree that this election cycle is anything but normal. It’s likely that you may be feeling stress, anxiety, or even significant fear about the election results.

Meditation Is Not a Magic Pill but It Can Be a Refuge

I take great pains as a lawyer and mindfulness teacher to avoid treating mindfulness practice like a magic pill. Meditation isn’t something you can do to make all the problems of life go away. To the contrary, when done right, meditation may help you get clearer about life. It’s one reason why the practice is hard.

Paradoxically, though, at the same time meditation can also be a refuge. It can be a safe space to find calm when the world is turbulent. Meditation can offer an opportunity for self-acceptance to deal with difficult emotions. At the most basic level, it can offer us at least a few minutes where we aren’t ruminating or doom scrolling about the state of the world.

Meditation Can Help Us Reorient to Goodness

The purpose meditation most often serves for me as a lawyer, mom, and community leader is that it reorients me to goodness. I’m a busy lady, I frequently deal with conflict, I’m often lost in my thoughts, and I tend to be intense and competitive. Meditation helps me rebalance the scales.

When I meditate, I let go of controlling things for a while. I let go of thinking and instead reactivate my faculties to perceive and sense. I stop judging and instead let holding and allowing to take the lead. And instead of closing off my heart, I work on opening it to myself, my community, and even the people who challenge me. This is how meditation can be a refuge that enables us to find stability so we can engage more deeply with life.

MILS Practices for Election Day

It is this idea that motivated me to volunteer to lead a meditation practice for the Mindfulness in Law Society on Election Day. First, I knew that offering a practice would be the most compassionate things I could do for myself. It would keep me busy and allow me to do something good and that I loved on a hard day.

Second, I knew that other lawyers out there were probably worried like me. Meditation can be a challenge when times are hard, so doing the practice in community can really help. Frankly, just remembering that you have a community can really help. That’s why MILS is offering a special practice on Election Day and the day after to offer the support of community to all in the legal profession.

Details of the MILS Election Day Support Practices

The Mindfulness in Law Society is offering 2 special practices on Election Day and the day after, Wednesday November 6th. Here are the details:

Election Day Sit

Event Details: I will offer a self-compassion meditation practice at 12 PM PST / 3 PM EST on Election Day, November 5th, on Zoom. This will be open to any law student or professor, lawyer, or anyone who works for a law firm or in the legal profession. The practice will focus on finding refuge in one’s community to support oneself.

How to Join: As a special event, you will need to register on Zoom to join the sit. The event is free of charge but you must register here for the link.

Special Wakeful Wednesday Sit

Event Details: I was set to guide the Wakeful Wednesday Sit this week, but my friend and highly experienced teacher, Judi Cohen, agreed to fill in for me. Knowing that none of us can predict what will happen this week, Judi will offer a special practice about welcoming whatever emotions may arise.

How to Join: This is a recurring event for MILS so simply click this link to the Virtual Sits page and hit “Wakeful Wednesday” to join on Zoom at 12 PM PST / 3 PM PST on November 6th.

Feel Free to Join Us in Community

I hope that you are making your voice heard at the polls this week. After you do that, please join us to practice meditation in community. Both practices are open to law students, law professors, lawyers regardless of practice status, paralegals, and anyone who works in the legal profession.

Even if you cannot join us for the sits, I will be wishing that all of you are safe, healthy, happy, and at peace.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Inside Out 2 Reveals These 5 Truths about Anxiety

Cover image for blog post entitled Inside Out 2 Reveals These 5 Things About Anxiety

I saw Inside Out 2 last week with my kids. If I am being honest, though, I saw the movie for my own enjoyment as much as theirs. Pixar movies always make me cry but they usually make me think too. In this case, the movie made me think about anxiety and mental health.

Of course, I am no stranger to anxiety. I have had it for most of my life, though I didn’t know how to label it properly until well into my 30’s. For this reason, I am glad Inside Out 2 is helping kids (and adults) think and talk about anxiety.

Here are the five truths about anxiety that the movie illustrates well.

1. Anxiety is different from fear.

Inside Out 2 starts when the main protagonist, Riley, turns 13. The movie demonstrates this formative time by introducing new “characters”: Anxiety, Embarrassment, Envy, and Ennui.

Any Inside Out fans may find this odd, since Fear was already a character. As the movie correctly explains, though, fear and anxiety are different. Fear often relates to external situations, while anxiety relates to our inner experience.

In the film, Anxiety becomes obsessed with Riley’s social status as a way to manage her nerves heading to middle school without her two best friends. Though Fear sees some logic behind this mission, even he’s at a loss about the lengths to which Anxiety goes in pursuit of it.

The lesson for all of us watching, of course, is that anxiety and fear aren’t the same. They may arise for different reasons and lead to different consequences.

Image comparing anxiety and fear to shed light on what it means for our mental health

2. Anxiety wants control.

The next truth about anxiety in Inside Out 2 is hard to miss. Anxiety wants control. In the movie, Anxiety shows up and promptly commandeers Riley’s control panel. When the elder emotions we’ve come to know and love object, Anxiety bottles them up (literally) and ships them to Riley’s subconscious.

The tricky thing about Anxiety, though, is that she’s not a traditional Disney villain. She’s got a sweet vulnerability about her and she truly thinks she’s doing what is best for Riley. As we see, though, the quest for the “best” leads Riley to turn on her friends and behave unethically and inauthentically.

The resounding point made from all of this is that craving control is inherent to anxiety.

3. Control only creates more anxiety.

Anxiety quickly gets what she wants in Inside Out 2. She takes control and gets exactly what she wants. This should be the end of the movie, right?

Anyone who has experienced anxiety knows that, of course, this is wrong. Anxiety (the character and the emotion IRL) is never soothed by control. Instead, the more control anxiety gets, the more it craves.

As the movie shows, Anxiety assumes the control panel and immediately concocts schemes to get more control. She initially inspires Riley to raise in social status on her new team. When Riley finds a footing with new friends, Anxiety them pushes her to become the best on her team. Soon after, the goal escalates to the best in the team’s history.

In the end, Anxiety becomes so obsessed with schemes and effort that she creates a little spiral in Riley’s mind and a panic attack that leaves her frozen in fear. What this shows us is that what anxiety is often self-perpetuating. When anxiety gets more control, it is inflamed rather than pacified.

Image conveying the double bind created by anxiety which affects the mental health of many people

4. Letting go is the (super annoying) answer to anxiety.

I know it is truly obnoxious for a meditation teacher to tell a bunch of lawyers this, but the answer to anxiety is learning to let go. Fortunately for me, the people at Pixar seem to agree.

For some of us, it might have been satisfying to watch Joy, Sadness, Anger, and Disgust tag-team to knock Anxiety out, bottle her up, and jettison her to the subconscious. That’s not what happens though, probably because it wouldn’t really work.

Instead, to calm the spiral that Anxiety created, all the emotions circle around Riley’s sense of self and hold it. Riley breathes and calms herself as this happens. When she comes back to herself, she admits her anxiety to herself and her friends and begs forgiveness.

This part of the movie is far more cathartic and satisfying to watch than it is to experience in real life. Letting go is the hardest lesson that anyone with anxiety can learn. Still, the truth remains, that letting go and learning to be with anxiety (which may include help from others) is an answer to it.

Image with a quote that says Letting go is an answer to anxiety but it is one of the hardest things to learn

5. Anxiety is a part of life.

Since it is a kids movie, it’s not too much of a spoiler to say that Inside Out 2 ends on a happy note. Riley learns a life lesson. She takes a step forward into adolescence. And she seems to find some sense of peace as she navigates the tricky social system that is middle school.

The principal blocking force of the movie, though, is still there. Anxiety doesn’t go away at the end of the movie. There’s no guarantee that Joy will resume her place as the guiding force in Riley’s life. There’s no doubt that even more complicated emotions are poised to greet Riley as she gets older.

One can only assume that Anxiety will claim control again and, at times, wreak havoc. This is the last and, perhaps, hardest truth from Inside Out 2. For many of us, and definitely for myself, anxiety is not something that goes away. It’s a part of life for many of us.

If we are lucky, like Riley, we might be able to start recognizing how it shows up in our lives and where it leads us. We can then ease back, take a breath, ask forgiveness, get help, course correct, and then move forward.

Conclusion

Inside Out 2 may be a kids movie with a classic coming of age story about growing up. If you pay attention, though, the movie reveals truths about mental health for all of us regardless of our age. Though it is a cute cartoon family film about a young teenager, it offers lessons about anxiety, control, acceptance, and letting go that can benefit us all.

Want to try some meditation practices to help you hold and be with anxiety? Check them out here or on Insight Timer.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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New Confidence CLE for Lawyers Coming to Lawline

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It’s kind of a trip that I now teach other lawyers and professionals about confidence. As I have shared several times here, I have struggled with anxiety, overthinking, and self-doubt for most of my life. I was shocked to find that meditation helped me gradually change these habits.

Over time, I changed how I thought about myself, related to the world, and accepted that risk was a part of a good life. Now, after building a law practice, launching a blog, writing some boks, and crafting a new and unexpected identify for myself as a meditation teacher, I feel pretty confident.

How mindfulness can help lawyers build confidence

How did this happen? What steps helped? What does mindfulness and compassion have to do with confidence? I will share all that and more in a CLE that I created by accident but quickly became my favorite to deliver. That CLE is Real Confidence: Essential Mindfulness Skills for Law Practice and Life. I’ll be presenting it live for Lawline, one of the largest online CLE providers, on July 10th at 10 AM EST.

How did I create this by accident? A few years ago, I was asked if I ever speak about “imposter syndrome.” I admitted that I had nothing prepared and delivered a session on compassion instead. In the minutes leading up to that event, I spoke with the organizers and imagined out loud how I “might” go about talking about confidence if I got the chance.

Image describing details of confidence and mindfulness CLE for lawyers coming to Lawline

Why I love this CLE about confidence for lawyers

Shortly thereafter, I was asked to speak to young lawyers and pitched that very same idea. The organizers loved it and so did the young lawyers in the audience. After doing the session, though, it occurred to me that all lawyers could benefit from this session. I soon got the opportunity and delivered it for a group of defense lawyers in Arkansas. To see how that went, check out the testimonial from Jamie Jones on my speaker page.

As I learned, this session is so fun to deliver because it’s practical. Despite our sometimes austere exterior, lots of lawyers struggle with anxiety, self-doubt, and imposter syndrome. The big secret I learned from years of mindfulness practice and training is that you don’t have to deal with all aspects of these conditions at once.

Instead, mindfulness practice helps you focus your attention in a specific way. This allows you to break fear and doubt into pieces and examine each with kind curiosity. Over time, you can learn strategies to manage anxious thoughts, deal with the physical symptoms of fear, and manage the emotions that come up as you do hard things.

How to participate in or watch the CLE

That’s what I will teach in the CLE and, to boot, you should get CLE credit in most states. Join me on July 10th if you want to participate in discussion, ask questions, or share strategies that worked for you. If you can’t make it live, though, you can always catch it on-demand later and contact me with your questions.

To get details or register for the event, check out the page on Lawline here. If you want to experience how mindfulness can support confidence immediately, check out some of these meditations here:

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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How to Manage Anxiety about Public Speaking

Cover image for blog post How to Manage Anxiety about Public Speaking

Last week, I shared a Ted-style talk that I had to give in front of a pretty large crowd of my fellow lawyers. I love public speaking in general and was passionate about the subject. Even so, the novelty of my approach–especially my decision to memorize the talk–created some last minute nervousness for me.

Due to my years of mindfulness training and experience speaking, I was able to be pretty systematic in response to my fears. I talked myself through the anxiety the night before, was able to prepare and then relax enough to sleep well, and the talk was a big success. The most important indicator of this success was the fact that I had a blast giving the talk.

I know public speaking induces anxiety for many people, including lawyers, so I decided to write down the 5 steps that helped me the most. Here they are:

1. Stop Spiraling Thoughts

If you have anxiety, you are probably no stranger to spiraling thoughts. This can be really painful because thoughts are hard to control. The thoughts may feel like truths, they may be overwhelming in amount, and they can induce powerful emotional reactions. The thinking process itself can also lock you in because you may feel like you have to answer all of the questions before you can move on or calm down.

One thing that mindfulness helped me realize, however, was to recognize that spiraling thoughts were just a symptom of anxiety. In practice, this means letting go of answering each individual thought and focusing instead on the pattern of thinking. What is all the thinking trying to say? It’s saying “I am scared and I want control to make me feel more safe.”

With something like public speaking, it’s human to want a guarantee all will go well. But it’s just not in the cards. Accepting the risk involved and the vulnerability that goes with it is a basic but essential step to stopping the thought spiral.

An image about anxiety and racing thoughts

2. Quantify the Suck.

Once you are able to accept that risk is involved and you have calmed down enough to be logical, you can tap into curiosity and pragmatism. As I said, public speaking is inherently risky. We have to speak, look intelligent, not fall down, keep breathing, and look like we are relaxed while other people just watch us.

But let’s get real. What is the risk exactly? Assuming things go badly, can you quantify how bad? How many minutes is the speech? What percentage of the time will actually be truly awful? What are the tangible and likely risks involved?

Most of the time, the odds are that these things are not as bad as our fear minds would make it seem. Most of us are rational people. We wouldn’t agree to speak if it was all risk and pain. When it comes to public speaking, the worst risk many of us face is a few minutes of awkwardness and some temporary embarrassment after.

If you are calm enough that you can avoid creating a horror fantasy for yourself, getting clear about what you fear in concrete terms can help you face and manage it.

3. Plan for the Worst.

This tip is not about pessimism or cynically setting low expectations in the hope that you will be pleasantly surprised. What I really mean with this one is making a preemptive commitment to self-compassion. Lawyers are expected so frequently to be tough and brave and show up in defense of others that this step can easily be overlooked.

The truth is that we are people too and so caring for ourselves like we are human beings can make a big difference. Anxiety can sometimes create the illusion that the thing we fear is a “game over” situation. We get so focused on the fear that we forget it’s not the end of the story. We forget we have endured painful and awkward things before and lived to tell the tale.

How did we do this? Most likely with kindness towards ourselves, time, and help from our friends and family. So, when I have big anxiety about something, I always ask “well, what will I do if things go wrong?”

Usually the answer is that I will take some time to myself. I will wallow for a bit, I will feel sad or angry or whatever. I will talk with my friends. And then eventually I will move on and other people will probably forget even sooner. Given this, make a plan for self-care and self-compassion for after your talk. This plan will help you engage in needed self-care no matter how well the talk goes and it may make you feel a bit more confident too.

An image with 5 tips to manage public speaking anxiety

4. Connect with Your Values

If you are speaking publicly about something, you probably care about it. Even if it is a “boring” legal topic, it’s probably something that matters to you and others for important reasons. One of the things that can help us the most in times of stress is connecting to our values.

The good thing about preparing to speak is that you ideally should be reviewing and thinking about the content of your talk. This is not just a chance to place facts neatly at the front of your mind; it’s also a chance to remember why they matter.

When you connect with the values underlying your talk, it is easier to be brave. It helps to remember that you aren’t just speaking to fill time or harass yourself. Instead, the point of the effort is to convey an important message to the audience.

5. Get Out of Your Head

Of course, anxiety is not just thoughts and that’s the problem. Anxiety can also create a whole lot of bodily issues that can be problematic for public speaking. There may be jitters, a shaky voice, or insomnia the night before. How do you deal with this? Learn how to tend to your body.

Body scan meditation can be a great practice for relaxing the body. For this reason, it may help with relaxation before the talk or getting to sleep the night before. Exercise or some form of movement, including a short walk, can help you ditch the last minute jitters. Grounding practices, where you notice the sensation of weight and stability, may help you maintain composure during the talk itself.

Conclusion

The common thread running through all of these practices is to accept and allow the bodily experiences that arise rather than judging yourself for them. These practices may not guarantee that you won’t have any nervousness when you talk, but they can help you avoid compounding the nervousness with self-judgment.

Anxiety is a real and painful experience. These five tips aren’t intended to present the illusion that anxiety is easy to manage. They are offered, however, to show that learning to take aspects of anxiety piece by piece can make it more manageable. These strategies have helped me many times and I hope they help find success and fun in your next speaking engagement.

Want to try a meditation practice that can help with performance anxiety? Check it out here.

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Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

How to Become a Thought Leader When You Have No Followers

A cover image for a blog post entitled How to Become a Thought Leader When You Have No Followers

I have had a very busy couple of weeks. Fortunately, that business has been almost all good. I have had several talks and presentations over the last few weeks, which included all of my favorite things: mindfulness, writing, stress management, and leadership. I have also had some articles publish which I have not yet had an opportunity to share, but will soon. The bad news, however, is that I didn’t have time to write a blog post for the week.

Then I realized that I was maybe being too restrictive. It finally donned on me that one of the talks I am scheduled to give would make a pretty good blog post. I was asked to give a Ted-style talk on the topic of “leadership” for the Federation of Defense and Corporate Counsel. Given how much I love writing, I decided I would write about “thought leadership” and specifically how I came to it.

The talk traces my story from starting with little writing experience and only a couple hundred followers on LinkedIn to becoming a speaker, author, and blogger. And, of course, it shares how meditation was at the origins of it all. If you are interested in writing, business development, or the power of mindfulness, check out a print version of it here:

­­What is thought leadership?

I’m here to talk to you this morning about thought leadership. This sounds really impressive. Forbes defines a thought leader as “a person who is specialized in a given area and whom others in that industry turn to for guidance.” Wow. Kind of a big deal.

Am I a thought Leader? Here’s why.

Am I a thought leader? Did they get it right when he asked me to give this talk?

“Thought leader” is not a word I generally use, but if you twisted my arm I would admit that this definition fits me for certain topics. I’m practicing at a great firm and have demonstrated expertise in my field. I have an established blog and thousands of followers on LinkedIn. I teach mindfulness and compassion in addition to practicing law and raising a family. I give talks and present seminars on mental health, stress management, and more on a regular basis. And I have written two books with more on the way.

Started out a nobody.

When I started, though about 6 years ago, I was a nobody. I was the most junior partner at a small firm in Kentucky. My practice was focused, so I didn’t work with a ton of people. I’m an introvert and assumed for a long time I would never be a rainmaker. And I was the mom of two young girls and didn’t have a lot of expendable time and energy to invest to change this.

An image with a quote about how meditation can help lawyers generate ideas and create content to support thought leadership

Hidden advantage.

But I had one hidden advantage. I thought way too much. You may be wondering how on earth this could be an advantage. For years, it was a huge liability. Overthinking kept me anxious, stuck, and at times spiked into intense depression. Eventually, though, I learned how to harness this power.

My mental health needs forced me to try meditation. When I did, I got distance from and clarity about my thoughts. Many of them, to be sure, were garbage to discard and ignore. But some were ideas for writing. So I started writing to get the thoughts out of my head.

Writing progression.

I wrote articles for trade magazines, then blog posts, and then LinkedIn posts. In doing this, I learned that publishing my thoughts was the only way to let them go. The thoughts always kept coming, so I kept going. I kept writing and eventually realized I needed my own place to write whenever I chose. So I founded my own blog where I publish one post a week. By the end of the first year, I was ready to write my first book. After 3 years, I have written nearly 200 posts in addition to many other resources.

Early doubts and why I got started.

All the while, I had doubts. I was afraid that nobody would care. I was afraid all my efforts would be for nothing. The urge to write, though, was powerful and usually won out over these doubts. But more importantly, I had something to say.

I knew that there was a need for a change in the legal profession. Too many lawyers struggle with mental health and feel like they can’t get any relief or support. Even when mental health challenges are absent, I knew all too well how perfectionism, self-doubt, and overreliance on control could impede lawyers from happiness and doing our best work.

So I started writing about leadership, writing, networking as an introvert, being a working mom, mindfulness, and mental health. I just started offering ideas about what might help others and what had helped me.

Early impediments.

Of course, I was afraid of what people might think. At the beginning, I was not an experienced writer and had not developed my voice. I was a still young lawyer and wasn’t sure it was my place to put my ideas out there. And nobody else in my firm or even my local community was sharing content like mine on social media.

Humility and struggles.

One thing that helped me move forward, though, was to lean into my humility. Rather than act like I had it all figured out, I often shared my struggles. Sometimes I shared things that at a certain time in my life had made me feel ashamed. I wrote about my anxiety, I shared stories about struggling with loneliness and managing anger, and I have been pretty open about my experiments with Dry January to help me manage alcohol.

Afraid but the “why” pushed me along.

Every time I shared something like this, I was afraid of what people might think but I did it anyway because I knew I wasn’t alone and thought it might help. I knew what it was like to feel anxious all the time, out of control of one’s thoughts, and always stressed out or depressed. What I wanted more than anything was for others, not to feel how I had felt. I especially wanted this for my fellow lawyers who make it our life’s mission to serve other people. So if something I wrote could reach someone, resonate with someone, or give them a good resource, then it was worth it to me.

Despite all the fears on the front end, I felt nothing but pride and validation after sharing these stories. Any shame I had felt about my experience melted away when I could acknowledge it simply as a human experience. To my surprise, people reached out to say that they appreciated what I had shared. People told me that they thought I was brave.

Setbacks.

Now, this isn’t every time. Sometimes my posts would bomb. Sometimes nobody cared. But by then I had developed enough self-compassion to not take these things personally. I knew how to take care of any feelings of disappointment, and I remembered that I didn’t start writing for anyone’s approval. Instead, I had started writing because I loved it and had something to say. So I took breaks when needed but then got back to it.

A quote about leadership and being a thought leader for lawyers

Payoff.

As it turns out, it was worth it for many other reasons I could never have expected. When I started sharing content, at first nobody cared. After a while though, people started following me. Then people started reaching out to tell me they liked what I had to say. Then people started inviting me to speak and write more.

Over time, I made some real friends and connections. People referred me work. They looked to me as a resource and sought my input. They invited me to join and become active in networks, like this one, and most recently one friend I gained through with my writing even invited me to join her law firm.

Not a nobody anymore.

Now, I’m not a nobody anymore. Now, I see that I never was. I was a quiet and thoughtful lawyer who sometimes saw things differently from others around me. For years, I thought this was what was wrong with me. I was convinced that this trait is what would hold me back. And it did until I started using it. By putting my copious thoughts to use, I learned my overthinking was the gift I could offer to the world and the profession.

Can you lead without followers?

So, how do you become a thought leader when you have no followers? First, stop thinking about followers. Start instead with the thoughts. What thoughts are you going to offer? What can you say that nobody else can? Or said differently, what is something so important to say that you are willing to take a risk?

That’s the thing. Leadership is not about followers. Leadership is about accountability. It’s about a vision for something better and the willingness to take responsibility to make it happen.

Final advice.

I don’t care how many followers you have or how impressive you are. If you say something authentic, helpful, honest, and kind, you are not a nobody. Instead, you may have a gift that the world and our profession really need.

Get started. Trust yourself. Trust other people (at least some of the time). Use your gifts, whatever they are and even if you never saw them as gifts before. And then see what happens.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Mindfulness, Self-Compassion, and Being a Badass: Interview on The Write Approach Podcast

“You’re doing something wrong. You are about to do something TERRIBLE and you need to just stop.”

How many times has the voice of fear said this to you?

Fear for me used to sound like this about almost everything. If I am being honest, it still sounds like this sometimes.

So what changed? The simple answer is that I learned to manage it and see fear in a new way.

Mindfulness and self-compassion helped me break fear down into pieces – thoughts, physical sensations, emotions – and respond with more skill to each one.

As I discuss, this is an essential skills for lawyers handling big cases or anyone who wants to get more creative.

In addition, my meditation practice helped me get some mental space so I could recognize ideas for writing in the midst of all my other thoughts.

Ultimately, this is how I increased my own confidence, started writing and engaging on social media, and ultimately published my first book.

If you have experienced anything like this or are interested in writing, this episode of The Write Approach podcast with authors Barbara Hinske and Jeremy Richter is for you.

You can find it at the link above, most podcast outlets, or watch it on YouTube here:

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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What Is Confidence Really and How Can Mindfulness and Compassion Support It?

There is a common idea that confidence is this feeling of empowerment. Some people define it in the negative as if it the absence of fear or doubt. I don’t like those definitions. Perhaps they are true for some, but based on my own experience they are incomplete.

I think confidence is more of a process than an emotion. Thus, the test can’t be how you feel in any given moment. It has to be based on what you do over time.

Moreover, I think there’s danger in the idea that confidence requires feeling strong and powerful. That idea can create the illusion that there’s something wrong with you for being nervous in new or high-stakes situations. It’s also fodder for the notion that you’re better off waiting to act until you feel stronger, better, and more sure. The problem with that as it that confidence comes from action and facing challenges.

So, when Attorney at Law magazine reached out to me to ask for a guest blog post, it didn’t take long for me to come up with a topic. I knew I had to write about confidence and explain it is really. I also wanted to explain why mindfulness and compassion are powerful tools for building confidence.

To learn more, check out the full guest post here:

Real Confidence: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can Help Lawyers Manage Anxiety and Trust Themselves

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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