Mindfulness in Media - brilliantlegalmind.com

No Phones, Just Presence: Mindfulness at a Phoebe Bridgers Show

I promise that I’m not quietly turning this into a music blog. I’m still a mindfulness teacher and plan to keep writing about this topic for lawyers. In the last few months, though, I have been to a lot of concerts. They have all been wonderful, but the most recent one made a big impression. I think a big piece of it was that I didn’t have access to my phone.

I have experienced this before with shows. It’s not unheard of, but I have always regarded it as a nuisance before. After seeing Phoebe Bridgers recently, I have totally changed my tune. She took my phone at the door and I am so glad. The show was better.

This post explains why I loved not having my phone for the concert and what that can teach all of us about mindfulness.

The Downside of Giving Up Your Phone at a Concert

I have to be honest here. There are some real practical downsides of giving up your phone at a concert. Let’s start with the first big one. It takes extra time.

Though I have gone to shows before where phones had to be secured, I have never experienced this at such a large venue. At the Phoebe Bridgers concert this weekend, security guards had to secure 20,000 phones in Yondr pouches. This meant a 40-minute wait outside of the venue in light rain just to get inside.

We actually wanted to see the opening act, Alex G, so this added a little bit of anxiety to our wait. Luckily, we made it just in time but the lights were already dimmed as we found our seats.

Because I didn’t have my phone I had no flashlight to help me find my seats. This meant I had to bother other people and ask their seat number to orient myself. Fortunately, they were friendly, but it was a bit awkward.

Social media post image with quote "By the time Phoebe Bridgers played my favorite song, "Haunted" my heart was almost as big as the stadium itself. I didn't need my phone to record anything. I was never forgetting this memory."

The Benefits of Watching a Concert without Your Phone

Despite all the downsides above, I didn’t even think about my phone as soon as Phoebe Bridgers started playing. The concert was an immersive and deeply emotional experience. Her latest album, Lost Weekend, is about grief and loss, as well as the hope found on the other side of it.

It’s a deeply intimate album and I wondered walking in how it would translate in a crowd of 20,000. I was shocked to see that the crowd was as mesmerized as me as we listened to the heart-wrenching opening track “The Outside.” Yes, it had really cool light effects, but we were all listening together.

By the next song, we were all singing together. It was Phoebe Bridgers and her chorus of thousands singing along. Sometimes the lights would be so bright that you could see that you were a part of a vast sea of people singing.

By the time she played my favorite song, “Haunted” my heart was almost as big as the stadium itself. I didn’t need my phone to record anything. I was never forgetting this memory.

My daughter, who joined me and also had to go without her phone for a few hours, wasn’t either. Near the end, she randomly and suddenly hugged me. I asked if everything was okay and she said, “I’m just so happy. Thanks for taking me.”

What Does This Concert Teach Us about Mindfulness?

Of course, we all know that phones get in the way of mindfulness and being present for our lives. I think that this is the most obvious lesson to learn from this experience. Though our phones are embedded into our lives for the reasons I have already mentioned, they also offer constant distraction from our lives.

This means that we need reminders to put our phones down for a while. We may need prompting and encouragement to experiment with life without our phones. Phoebe Bridgers made us wait a little longer to get to her concert, but she gave us the gift of our own presence in the process.

But this post really isn’t about life hacks or presence-maxing. Though it can be easy to tell others to put down their phones, it can be hard to do it ourselves.

The deeper mindfulness lesson here is the reason so many people gladly waited in line to go without their phones for a few hours. What would motivate people to do something like this? Good music is clearly a draw.

Phoebe Bridgers is a great musician and her new album is stellar but you can stream it anywhere right now. Why would people take the time to go to the concert and give up their phones?

Quote that says "The word "mindfulness" really means "to remember." Sometimes we need reminders to put down our phones so we can engage fully in our lives. "

Mindfulness Is Remembering What a Concert Feels Like

The answer is community. Concerts don’t just offer live music. They offer live music experienced in a group of other fans. They give you a chance to see that you aren’t the only person signing your heart out in the car to that song that breaks your heart and then fills it up again.

We often tell ourselves that phones are how we connect with others. Most of us know, of course, that this is only partially true. Yes, phones can connect us. They can also distract us and divide us. In the worst case, they can cause us to miss beautiful moments in life or fail to fully engage with the people around us.

The concert was definitely good because Phoebe Bridgers is a stellar musician who wrote a deeply relatable album. The experience of watching the concert was something I will never forget, though, because it reminded me what really community feels like.

On our phones, we have instant and constant access to thousands of people via so many different channels. But it is not the same as standing in a crowd of thousands with a united voice. It’s not the same as sharing a few hours with others who love what you love and value what you value.

The word “mindfulness” really means “to remember.” This concert was the best reminder for me and thousands of others what connection and community really are. It was also a reminder that putting my phone down may be a first step towards finding them.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, A New Year’s Present, to learn about mindfulness from a heartwarming story. For a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days, try How to Be a Badass Lawyer. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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How Sara Bareilles’ “Good Grief” Turns Loss into Connection

I have been a fan of Sara Bareilles for many years. I love singing with her and appreciate that her music has grown with me as I get older. Even so, I was honestly skeptical when I heard that her new album would be all about grief.

Of course, I know this is a worthy subject. I also trusted her to treat the emotion with the reverence it deserves. When I heard the album title Good Grief, though, I worried it would be trite and contrived. I feared it might be trying too hard to be wise and deep.

When I played the first track, my fears flew away. This wasn’t some fake hallmark card of an album. Instead, it was the Sara I had come to know and had sung with so many times. She was just sharing a new side of herself as a person and an artist. Not only have I been listening to the album for the last month, I also saw her live last week and watched the movie about the album’s creation.

Here are the insights that I picked up from Sara Bareilles’s new album Good Grief.

Allowing Grief Is Essential

One of the most prominent insights about grief that shines through in the album is the importance of allowing it. As the first song on the album, “Home”, explicitly states, life’s holiest lesson is this:

That what is broken cannot heal
Until it’s known and loved by name.

So, of course, as I have written before this includes naming and feeling emotions. But the album gives voice to another hard truth about grief. Sometimes we have to let it take it’s time. Sometime it shows up without warning and stays longer than we want.

Even if we are “dying to let this go” like Sara sings in “Still Crying”, we can’t force it away. The good news, though, is that sometimes when loss hits us it teaches us too.

Connection Can Help Us Heal

And what is the lesson it teaches? The most prominent one from the album is that we need each other. This comes through clearly in several tracks, including “Home” and “Love Story.” Both of those tracks explicitly discuss the importance of sharing stories of loss with others.

In “Home”, Bareilles explicitly invites the sharing of stories and in “Love Story,” she talks about meeting a man on a hike who recently lost his wife. Her emotion rings through in the song because I can’t listen to it without crying myself.

Having watched the film associated with the album and the concert too, story telling and sharing about grief was part of the project of the album. Sara and her band shared their own stories in the movie. The audience listened to voicemail clips from fans in between songs at the concert and they were encouraged to write and share notes with their own stories as well.

The overarching point of this was clear: grief can help us find connection but we have to find ways to share it.

Grief Can Coexist with Joy

My favorite part of the album is that it’s not depressing. Though it’s clearly about grief, it’s often joyful and even funny. “Nervous Breakdown” is a jazzy tune that sounds like a silly song a lawyer might sing to herself to try to keep her sense of humor on a stressful day.

“Idiot Heart” is an upbeat pop anthem about falling in love in the face of past heartbreak. And “Capsize Me”, a song about resilience, is just fun song to sing.

If you watch the movie or have ever seen Sara Bareilles in concert, you will see very quickly that she’s funny. She talks to the audience in between songs and tells stories like a stand-up comic.

As a Millennial, I also appreciated the skillful use of nostalgia during the concert. Bareilles finished the songs from Good Grief and then transitioned to her hits. Before doing so, she led the audience in singing Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody.”

The point, of course, is that sadness and joy can coexist. The secondary point is that good music can help us discover this for ourselves.

The Creative Power of Sadness

Finally, another strong message from the album is that there is huge creative power in sadness. This can, at times, be a double-edged sword. As Sara says in “Ladies in a Line,” the intimate track about her own struggle with infertility, “grief is a blanket. It covers everything.” Loss can rob of us of motivation and energy, at least for a time.

But eventually grief may leave us with an urge to process and understand. It seems to me that Bareilles, like a lot of songwriters, creates as a way to process their emotions. This comes through most clearly in the songs “Forever” and “Wind Is the Weather” where Bareilles seems to finally make peace and accept grief as a part of life.

I loved that Bareilles released the movie about the making of the album because I got to see this process at work. Her sadness was there throughout the process. It was pushing her forward as she tried to capture the perfect sound to fit the emotion of each song.

If you listen to the album or watch the movie, you will see how creativity offers the chance to honor feelings about the past even while moving into the future. And how it can help you restore order after instability and loss.

Quote from song "Capsize Me" on the album Good Grief by Sara Bareilles that says “I carry so much but my back don’t break. It never lets me down. I worry so much, but the worry don’t change what I worry about.”

Whether You Are Sad or Not, Good Grief Is a Great Album

If you are a fan of Sara Bareilles, you will appreciate that her new album stays true to her style. As in her other albums, you will find lovely lyrics, a variety of musical styles, and a timeless voice. On this latest album, though, Bareilles brings maturity and depth to a human emotion that too often is ignored. Whether you are happy, sad, or just want something good to listen to and sing with, Good Grief is a great album to check out.

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Why I Don’t Use AI to Write about Mindfulness

This is probably long overdue. I realized that I have said virtually nothing about AI. This wasn’t me trying to bury my head in the sand. I’m aware it’s out there. In truth, it seems to be everywhere.

I haven’t talked much about generative AI on the blog so far because I wasn’t sure what to say about it. To be honest, I haven’t used it a lot until recently. When I do use it, it’s generally been at work.

The point of this post is to make one thing clear. I’m not entirely against generative AI, but I don’t use it to write my blog posts. Here are a few reasons why.

I Love Writing, So I Don’t Need AI

I’m not going to get on a moral high horse about generative AI in this post. That’s because the biggest reason why I haven’t use it to write blog posts is a practical one. I love writing.

I truly enjoy the craft of writing in my books, my presentations and talks, and in my posts. While I admit that it is sometimes tough to write week after week, the practice of regular writing has been very good for me.

It’s good to have somewhere to put my thoughts. It helps to write and process my emotions. It is supportive to be able to work through tricky issues and know that a post may be useful to someone else.

For all these reasons, I don’t use AI because it’s just not something I need.

Mindfulness Is About Connecting More Deeply with Other People

Another reason that I prefer to write my own posts is that connection with other people is essential for mindfulness practice. Sure, I practiced meditation on my own for years before I ever meditated with other people. As I have shared before, lawyers can definitely explore and learn about mindfulness on our own.

Over the years, though, I eventually found community with my meditation practice and I learned and grew so much faster. For this reason, one of the most important insights from meditation is that the connection to other people is really important.

Now, is it possible to connect with other people with AI-supported writing? Potentially, and I expect that to grow as the years go on. But right now? I see the writing output from AI as more of a barrier. It can convey some ideas well, but it isn’t personal.

Because I believe that community is important when it comes to learning mindfulness, I prefer to have a personal touch when I write about it. For me, that means I write my own pieces without AI.

Image of founder, lawyers, and post author Claire E. Parsons with quote that says "Trust in a teacher and real connection with other people are essential to learn mindfulness. I don’t use AI to write about mindfulness because it raises too many questions. I want create a human connection and build trust and need my voice to do that."

Trust Is Important When It Comes to Mindfulness and Mental Health

Finally, the last reason I don’t use AI to write my posts on this blog is that trust matters. The focus of my blog is mindfulness and mental health for lawyers. These are important topics and there is still a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding about them.

In this day and age, it can be hard to know who to trust when learning about these topics. Mindfulness is complicated and personal. There a lot of differing opinions and strong feelings on topics relating to mental health.

If you are going to read a blog on these topics, you deserve to know who is behind it’s ideas. That’s why I am generally upfront about my own experience with mindfulness. It’s why I have been so specific in explaining my training as a mindfulness teacher.

I don’t necessarily believe that using AI inherently destroys the potential for trust. But it can raise questions about what the AI platform used, the manner of use, and the level of editing and revision that took place after.

For me, it’s just better to keep it simple. My posts come from me, my years of experience, and my training as a mindfulness teacher.

I Plan to Keep Writing Posts without AI

I don’t make big promises or vows here. Who knows where technology is heading and what AI tools may creep into the writing process as time goes on? I can say that the first 300 posts on this blog were written without AI and I don’t plan on changing that any time soon.

I enjoy writing and I love building community around mindfulness through this blog. My plan is to keep on writing posts without help from generative AI. Thank you for the trust you have shown me over the years by reading and engaging.

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Laughing Through Meditation: Lessons from Josh Johnson

I have always been a big fan of stand-up comedy and recently this world has collided with my love of mindfulness. It’s now becoming common for comics to talk about meditation in their sets. Most of the time, I can turn my meditation teacher brain off for long enough to get a good laugh out of them.

But when one of my favorite comics, Josh Johnson, took on meditation I couldn’t resist writing about it. I’m a huge fan of Josh Johnson. I’ve seen his tour, watched his comedy special on HBO, and love his appearances on the Daily Show. Johnson is an excellent storyteller and can make you laugh at the tiniest things.

Recently, my husband sent me one of Johnson’s short clips where he talks about trying meditation. It’s quick and hilarious. You should watch it just to laugh. The other good news is that Johnson’s bit points to several very real struggles in meditation practice.

For those of you who want to laugh and learn, this post walks through Josh Johnson’s two-minute clip on meditation. Then it offers teachings to address the problems he mentions.

Don’t Beat Yourself Up When Your Mind Wanders in Meditation

Johnson starts off his bit by correctly mentioning the teaching that you should avoid beating yourself up when your mind wanders from the breath. Of course, he exaggerates the teaching for comic effect. He says that “you should not, you cannot” beat yourself up when your mind wanders.

In reality, this teaching is offered because it is common for people to berate themselves when their minds wander in meditation. It happens to all of us. For this reason, the teaching is not a prohibition like Johnson implies. Rather, it is a guidepost and an invitation to learn self-compassion.

Stated in a more precise way, the teaching really is that meditation is much easier and more effective when you have a kind inner attitude. If you notice yourself getting upset or engaging self-criticism, that’s okay. There is no need to feel like a failure or criticize that. Instead, the answer is just to recognize that you are doing something hard and go back to the breath.

Image with quote that says "meditation pro tips: don't try too hard. Don't expect a clear mind."

Don’t Expect to Have a “Calm Mind”

About 25 seconds into the clip, Johnson correctly describes the practice of bringing one’s attention back to the breath repeatedly during meditation. But he ends it by saying that the goal or the expected end result is a “calm mind.”

Johnson is doing comedy here, so he doesn’t explain what he means by a “calm mind.” If you watch on, though, you can tell that he is equating a calm mind to a clear mind. Stated more directly, this means a non-thinking mind.

In fact, this is not necessarily the goal of meditation.

Some traditions may make this the goal and some teachers even talk about “clear minds” on occasion. For many teachers and traditions (myself included), though, meditation is not about removing thoughts. It does not make thoughts magically disappear and they are not off limits during practice.

Instead, the goal is making peace with thoughts, getting clarity about them, and creating wisdom around them.

Don’t Try Too Hard When You Meditate

With this foundation laid, Johnson dramatically declares that he’s “Going to try to meditate.” He closes his eyes and assumes a stern posture to show how serious he is about it.

Again, this is clearly for comic effect. Even so, it raises a really important point. Johnson is suggesting that good meditation is about being super serious. He’s suggesting that it’s fundamentally about discipline.

If you watch, pause the clip at about 37 seconds and take a look at it. You can see Johnson sitting with his eyes closed tight, appearing like he is trying to force himself to concentrate. Aside from the comic value, this is how a lot of lawyers think meditation is supposed to look.

As I have written before, relaxation, play, and even joy are better approaches. Why? Because you will focus best and learn the most when you are relaxed instead of trying too hard. Discipline matters insofar as you do the practice. But, once you do, ease up, relax, and crack a smile.

Image with quote about meditation that says "Focusing on the breath is not the same as thinking about the breath."

Lotus Pose Is Not Required in Meditation

Next, Johnson attempts the hilarious and impressive feat of demonstrating getting himself into lotus pose while sitting on a stool. This is for laughs and to show how awkward he felt forcing himself this pose for meditation.

Johnson quickly notes, though, that he struggles because he’s not as flexible as he used to be. Then he says his leg fell asleep. Anyone who has meditated for even a few minutes has had these same struggles.

Here’s the truth: meditation can happen in almost any posture. Using a cushion or sitting with legs crossed can be great, but they aren’t required. You can meditate in a chair or you can do so standing or lying down or even walking. Any posture works as long as you feel safe, relaxed, supported, and can stay alert.

In addition, you are allowed to move when you meditate. If your leg falls asleep, the classic teaching is to just notice it. But if it is distracting or uncomfortable enough to really bother you, you are allowed to move. It’s truly okay.

Focusing on the Breath Is Not Thinking about the Breath

Johnson next hilariously showcases a subtle misunderstanding of the directions for breath focus practice. Once he gets himself into position, he says that the object is to “just think about your breath.” He exaggerates this by saying you should “hold onto the ideas of your breath; that’s how you stay present!”

Some teachers and traditions may differ on this, but meditation is not thinking about the breath. Instead, breath focus meditation is about keeping one’s attention with the breath. I teach this to mean feeling the physical sensations of the breath. Other ways of practice also include noting the cycles or parts of the breath.

Thinking about the breath is different than feeling the breath and observing its aspects. When you think about the breath, your awareness is principally in the mind. But when you feel sensations of the breath, your awareness is in the body.

As Johnson comically demonstrates, this distinction matters a lot. All of his thinking about the breath leads inevitably to a long train of thoughts about everything but his breath. This is why it makes a difference to know what your anchor is in meditation. If you know the anchor very precisely, it is easier to stay with and return to your anchor.

Image with quote that says "You probably aren’t doing meditation wrong. The practice is hard. Struggles may be signs you are doing it right. You just might need some support."

What to Do When You See that Your Mind Wandered

Perhaps the funniest part of the clip is when Johnson demonstrates his wandering mind. He goes off on a tangent for about a minute sharing his anxiety about world events. As you can hear, the audience immediately gets it. This is a very relatable thing.

Mind wandering is exactly what you can expect to experience if you try meditation. When you start to notice it, it can be just as hilarious as the mental rant Johnson shared in his clip.

And he announces in dramatic form at the two-minute mark of the clip, “I wandered.” Of course, this is a comedic reckoning. Johnson uses it to show that his pursuit of a calm mind was futile all along and to laugh at himself.

Here’s the thing: the moment where you notice the mind wandering is not a failure. It doesn’t mean you are doing the practice wrong. It means you are doing the practice right because you have seen that your mind is wandering.

In that moment, Johnson woke up from his anxious mental rant. He stopped it. That’s a good thing and a powerful thing once it becomes a trait. The problem was, he didn’t stay with the practice and return to his breath. He judged (in hilarious fashion) the mental pattern. The teaching, of course, is just being kind and going back to the breath.

You Probably Aren’t Doing Meditation Wrong

Of course, Johnson doesn’t do that, at least not in the clip. Instead, he says that “I went ahead and I stopped meditating.” Over the laughter of the audience, he explains that he at least stopped for the time being “Because I was doing it wrong.”

As mentioned above, I think Johnson should give himself more credit. For one thing, his joke make me and lots of other people laugh. In addition, I think he was doing meditation just fine. I don’t think he was truly doing the practice wrong. Instead, as mentioned above, he may have had some expectations about practice that made him think he was doing it wrong.

In addition, the truth is that meditation is not an easy practice to sustain. It’s a simple practice to learn, but it can be hard to sustain. This is because it forces us to confront uncomfortable thoughts and sensations for extended periods of time. For these reasons, struggles in meditation don’t mean you are doing it wrong or it doesn’t work. Struggles can sometimes indicate the opposite.

You Can Always Try Again Later

Johnson says he may try meditation again in the future. Of course, trying again is the only way to learn the practice and see what works best for you.

Because all the struggles Johnson pointed to are common issues, here are a few tips that may make meditation practice a bit easier if you ever decide to start or start again:

Start small;
Make your practice enjoyable;
Find a community;
Find a teacher; and
Consider finding some resources or taking a course.

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Mindfulness Lessons from The Philosopher’s Kitchen

This week, I traveled to a conference out of town. Due to the storms on the east coast, my flight was delayed and stressful. As I scanned my phone trying to find a way to make this situation less awful, I found a new documentary on Netflix that combines my two favorite things: mindfulness and cooking.

I quickly downloaded both episodes of The Philosopher’s Kitchen Jeong Kwan to watch during my flight. It did more than eat up some travel time. It was beautiful, refreshing, and full of reminders that even the busiest of lawyers can appreciate. Consider this post my recommendation for you to watch the show. Here’s why I loved it.

What Is The Philosopher’s Kitchen and Who Is Jeong Kwan?

In case you are unfamiliar, Jeong Kwan is a South Korean Buddhist nun and world-famous chef. She is an icon of Korean Buddhist Temple cuisine. This may sound like a small niche which appeals only to people like me who love mindfulness and cooking in equal measure.

In fact, Jeong Kwan’s skill in the kitchen has been praised for years. She was featured in Season 3 of Netflix’s Chef’s Table and has influenced numerous Michelin Star winning chefs. As you can see in The Philosopher’s Kitchen, Jeong Kwan clearly embodies her values as a Buddhist nun in her cooking.

The meals she prepares are vegetarian, used with local and often foraged ingredients, simple, and crafted with time and close attention. Watching Jeong Kwan work was certainly a nice change of pace for most lawyers. Here are the four mindfulness lessons I learned from the series.

1. Mindfulness and Simplicity

In mindfulness practice, one of the most common teachings you are bound to receive is to keep things simple. Of course, mindfulness practice often shows us lawyers that simplicity is easier said than done.

In our culture and profession, simplicity takes discipline and even courage. We are regularly encouraged to upgrade and increase, rather than scale back and reduce. The thought process underlying this tendency, of course, is that more is better.

Jeong Kwan shows us that this assumption is often wrong. Her dishes are simple in technique and execution. They usually contain only a few ingredients, usually rice, vegetables or tofu and they rely heavily on a small combination of seasonings.

Even so, Jeon Kwan makes food that people relish and enjoy. She demonstrates that food does not have to be complicated to be good and that simplicity allows the beauty of ingredients to shine through. This simple approach is a nice reminder for lawyers who so often deal with complexity.

Image of 5 star review of The Philosopher's Kitchen with quote shared from post "The Philosopher's Kitchen Jeong Kwan on Netflix is a good watch. It shows a different way of life that many lawyers may enjoy as a nice change of pace. It also offers inspiration for small ways we can all incorporate traits from our mindfulness practice into our everyday lives."

2. Limits Can Be Blessings

Another thing that stands out is how Jeong Kwan navigates limits. Many lawyers and, most Americans for that matter, don’t like limits. We sometimes see them as burdens or difficulties.

In the culinary world, limits are not always seen as positive either. How often have you seen a menu that boasts about size or quantity? How often have you been tempted by “endless” offerings or a long list of toppings? We all have. But if we are being honest this is not always healthy and it can get old.

In The Philosopher’s Kitchen, Jeong Kwan has many limits. She avoids meat and strives to avoid even killing plants in her dishes. She uses what is in season and available. She also does not use certain staples, such as garlic and onion, which are believed in Temple Cuisine to disturb the mind.

As you can see in the show, though, Jeong Kwan uses her values and training in mindfulness to greet these limits with creativity and a smile. She shows that it is possible to make delicious food with few ingredients if you appreciate each one.

3. Resourcefulness

One of the reasons that Jeong Kwan is able to handle the limits in her kitchen so well is that she is remarkably resourceful. As you would expect for someone living in Korea, Jeong Kwan is a master of fermented food. She is shown making her own soy sauce (ganjang), danjang (fermented soy bean paste), and kimchi.

But even the byproducts of these staples gets put to use. Jeong Kwan grinds the crystals formed in the soy sauce barrels into an umami-laced salt. She dries and then rehydrates greens into a special dish. And during the lean winter months, Jeong Kwan makes heavy use of seaweed to craft a variety of dishes for her temple community.

Most lawyers are expected to be good stewards of client resources at work. But how often in life are we as careful to make good use of the resources available to us? How often do we get a chance to not just use what we have, but to make what we have shine?

In mindfulness practice and in the kitchen, I have learned to frequently remind myself that “everything is workable.” Jeong Kwan shows with her cooking how this is really true.

Image sharing 4 traits of mindful chefs shared in the post, including "appreciate simplicity, navigate limits with skill, resourceful, and take their time."

4. Take Your Time

Of course, the biggest difference between Jeong Kwan and lawyers like us is time. As a Buddhist nun, Jeong Kwan’s life is certainly very different from the lives of most lawyers. In fact, the reason she is able to be so creative and skillful with limited ingredients is that she has a huge advantage: time.

But this distinction is not a criticism of the show. To the contrary, this difference may be the biggest reason why lawyers may want to watch it. Lawyers are in general time poor.

As I have experienced myself, this can lead us to believe that we are always in a rush and don’t have time for much of anything. Sometimes we need reminders to slow down that aren’t threats from frustrated loved ones or health scares.

The Philosopher’s Kitchen most likely won’t convince you to adopt Buddhist Temple Cuisine at home. But it might encourage you to slow down in the kitchen a little bit and make better use of the time and ingredients you have.

Or, if cooking is not your thing, it may help you see that doing almost any chore with clear attention and an open heart can make it more enjoyable. Either way, The Philosopher’s Kitchen shows us all that taking our time is an important way to enjoy life more.

The Philosopher’s Kitchen Is an Enjoyable and Valuable Watch for Lawyers Interested in Mindfulness

Even if you aren’t obsessed with mindfulness and cooking like me, The Philosopher’s Kitchen Jeong Kwan on Netflix is a good watch. It shows a different way of life that many lawyers may enjoy as a nice change of pace. Despite the clear differences between Jeong Kwan’s lifestyle and our own, the show also offers inspiration for small ways we can all incorporate traits from our mindfulness practice into our everyday lives.

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Mindfulness in Crisis: How Titration Helps Lawyers Manage News Stress

I didn’t get a new post written last week. This time, my schedule is not to blame. I was home due to the massive snowstorm that plowed through my community and much of the United States. Instead, my only excuse was that I struggled to write because I was troubled by the news.

I try to avoid taking positions on the news in this blog. I don’t want to give people the wrong idea that mindfulness practice is restricted to a single political persuasion. It isn’t. But as a mindfulness teacher and a lawyer it does not feel right for me to pretend like political and social events don’t affect us. They do.

My point here is not to take a position on the events in the news. I do that via appropriate means in other ways. It is important to address the reality that the news cycle recently has been hard on almost all of us. In this post, I will share a mindfulness strategy that has helps me deal with the news: titration.

Two common solutions for lawyers trying to deal with the news.

There are two common forms of mental health advice when it comes to the news cycle. One camp suggests avoidance and self-preservation. The appeal of this school of thought is obvious. The news cycle recently and often in general is filled with violent images and stories of conflict.

Though these stories stir our emotions, they often relate to things outside of our control. This is a recipe for empathic overwhelm. Based on this, some people argue that we should turn off the news, stay off our phones, and focus on self-care.

Others take the opposite view. They tell us that we are scared and concerned for a reason. They urge us to find ways to act, to call our senators, raise our voices, make donations, or even attend meetings or protests.

This path does not offer the respite of the first, but it promises a greater sense of agency in the world. It also offers a use for all of the energy we are bound to feel watching conflict play out on the news. It could even help us feel less alone and more engaged in our community, especially it leads us to in-person experiences.

Can mindfulness offer lawyers a middle path?

As indicated above, there is wisdom in both of the approaches stated above, but there are also downsides. For lawyers, the downside of the self-care route may be that it could inspire guilt. It could also be really hard to actually relax and rest for too long, knowing that turbulence is happening in the world.

The downside of the engagement approach, of course, is that many lawyers may not feel safe to do so. Client opinion or law firm policies may prevent us from engaging with social or political issues as much as lawyers might like. Some lawyers may not have the energy or mental space to even face the news, let alone engage civically or politically in response to it.

Given the pros and cons for each approach, the mindfulness teacher in me reflexively looks for a middle way. After some struggle this weekend, I think I finally found my answer. The issue is not a true dichotomy between self-care and engaging with the world in turbulent times. Instead, it is possible to do both. A practice called “titration” provides a useful model.

The Mindfulness Practice of Titration

Titration is a mindfulness practice that allows us to approach difficult experiences slowly, gradually, and in manageable doses. A very common way of using this strategy in meditation practice is in response to powerful emotions or difficult bodily sensations.

The classical mindfulness directive is to allow the difficult experience to arise and be fully present with it. But for truly powerful emotions or painful sensations, though, this advice can leave us overwhelmed. For people with trauma or other conditions, this advice may be impractical.

Out of self-compassion and wisdom, then, we can instead learn to titrate by noticing small bits of the experience over time. To do this, you might notice the challenging emotion or sensation for a few moments. Instead of simply staying with that difficult experience, though, you would then shift attention to something pleasant or neutral as a means of rest and recovery.

When you feel ready again, you can return attention to the area of difficulty. This strategy is called pendulation, a specific variety of titration, because it helps you take small doses of a difficult experience instead of taking it in all at once.

Image with question asking what titration is and answer which says "Titration is a mindfulness practice that allows us to approach difficult experiences slowly, gradually, and in manageable doses. To do this, you might notice the challenging emotion or sensation for a few moments, then shift attention to something pleasant or neutral as a means of rest and recovery."

Why titration helps.

Titration is a great skill for lawyers for work and life in general. Many of us face times of high conflict and stress. Lawyers must often deal with people who present us with difficult circumstances and issues.

Titration offers us the ability to face the difficulties of life on our terms. It marries courage with self-kindness. It balances stability with flexibility. It gives us a real strategy for caring for our minds, hearts, and bodies as we engage with a sometimes challenging world.

As someone who has had anxiety most of my life, I have found that mindfulness practices like titration build a lot of confidence. Even though they don’t mean that I will never be afraid, they give me a road map to follow when fear arises.

This means I am allowed to be afraid because I have faith that I can manage it when it arises. If I can be afraid, that means I can do the things in life and work that I need to do. This translates to faith in myself and great confidence for managing my life.

How to apply the concept of titration to a challenging news cycle.

I know it sounds weird to say this, but you can apply titration to the news and world events too. With this practice, you can take the wisdom of the people advocating rest and self-care and combine it with the necessity of engaged citizenship.

With this approach, you do not have to shield yourself entirely from the news during difficult times. You can scroll social media, listen to or watch the news for the purpose of obtaining information. As you do, though, it is best to monitor yourself for how the news is affecting you.

If it is affecting your mood, behavior, or leading to compulsive doomscrolling, it may be time for a break. You also might consider caring for yourself with restorative practices, including exercise, calming strategies, or talking with a trusted friend.

Another strategy that I like is to take some small but productive action in response to what I see on the news. I may make a donation, research ways to offer help, or find ways to support a worthy cause. Then after I have done my part, I let go of the issue and turn my attention elsewhere.

Given how engrossing TV news and social media can be, it may be wise to schedule breaks or plan activities to avoid overwhelming yourself. This may mean scheduling time with other people, getting outside, or just leaving your phone out of arm’s reach.

Conclusion

There is never a lack of challenging information waiting for us on the news and social media. When times are particularly difficult, it can be tempting for lawyers and other professionals to take an all or nothing approach. We can either be sucked in by the neverending news cycle, which may lead to overwhelm. Or we can be tempted to check out in the pursuit of self-preservation.

This post is not intended to tell you how you should respond to the social and political issues you see on the news. Instead, it explains one strategy, titration, that may provide a way to balance self-care and engaged citizenship as we face turbulent times.

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5 Years of Blogging: Lessons Learned for Mindful Lawyers

Cover image for blog post with picture of birthday cake with candle in shape of number five and title "5 Years of Blogging: Lessons Learned for Mindful Lawyers"

I am really proud to say that I just celebrated five years of blogging. I started this blog in 2020 with little more than a vague notion that I wanted to write about mindfulness for lawyers. I was not sure I would be able to keep the blog going, but I did.

Here are the most surprising lessons I learned along the way.

1. Start with a Vision and Let the Plan Emerge.

Many people start a new goal and think a clear plan is an essential first step. I don’t disagree with this, but this could be an impediment for something new. When I started this blog, I knew a lot about mindfulness but I knew almost nothing about blogging.

What made me start was more of a vision. I knew that my mind was active and I need a place to share my thoughts. I also knew a lot about mindfulness and loved sharing about it. From experience, I also knew that there was a need for practical and accessible instruction for lawyers on the subject.

I did chart out a rough plan to get started. I planned to post weekly and created a few categories of posts to get me started, including:

Mindfulness Basics – posts teaching basic concepts and practices
Mindfulness in Action – posts illustrating how mindfulness works in practice
Brilliant Recommendations – book reviews and resource recommendations
Mind and Body – posts discussing body-based practices
Compassion Practices – posts emphasizing compassion and kindness.

At first, I stuck to this framework and I have on average stuck to my goal of writing weekly. Over time, I added more categories, resources, and meditations.

In other words, sometimes a vision is all you need to get started and a clearer plan can emerge with time.

2. Blogging Takes Some Discipline.

When I tell people that I practice law, teach mindfulness and manage a blog, they always comment on my discipline. While I have sometimes been skeptical about discipline, they do have a point.

In truth, much like mindfulness practice, discipline will not sustain a long-term habit like blogging. But that doesn’t mean it’s not important at all. Much like with mindfulness, I needed discipline to keep coming back to the practice.

There have been so many days when I did not feel like writing or told myself I could not think of a good idea. Then I made myself sit down for a little bit and at least try to write. And you know what? A blog post emerged. Over time, I kind of started to like this. I found it pretty magical.

That magic could not have happened without the small amount of discipline it took me to sit down and try. Discipline is not everything and should not be everything for a habit you mean to last for years but it matters.

3. Blogging Needs to Be Fun.

I have written before about the fact that mindfulness practice should ideally become at least a little bit enjoyable. Even with all the discipline in the world, I never would have kept blogging for 5 years if I wasn’t having some fun.

I love writing. It makes my mind feel better. It allows me to get some of my copious thoughts out of my head and provides much needed mental space. I also love sharing about things that light me up, whether it is mindfulness practices, good movies or music, or stories of amazing people.

There is no doubt that blogging is a ton of work. It required a lot of effort and time. But it also was fun for me to share my story and things I love and to watch something I built grow over time. Good habits require discipline for sure, but the best ones are also fun.

Image that says "celebrating five years of sharing mindfulness for lawyers! Thank you to our guest bloggers, readers, followers, and friends."

4. Good Habits Grow with You.

For good habits to stay fun, though, they have to change along with you. The thing about this blog’s five-year anniversary that makes me the most proud is that it really has grown with me. Change is something that most lawyers deal with frequently.

In the last five years, though, I experienced a lot. I had two job changes, I wrote 2 books and edited a treatise, and my daughters went from little kids to pre-teens. Because of this, I had to keep my blogging flexible.

There were times when I had to pause or take a break from writing. There were times when I wrote more because I had the energy. Part of the reason I think I made it to five years is that I let the blog have this level of flexibility.

5. The Best Habits Sustain You.

This is the thing that most lawyers don’t believe when I tell them. Blogging and writing in general give me more energy than they take. People always ask me how I find the energy to keep a blog going. Some of the answer is that creating things creates energy for me.

As I said, this blog has been with me through a lot of change. Some of the times in the last five years have been really hard. Though this blog takes a lot of effort, it also sustained me during those hard times.

For one thing, having a way to share beneficial things helped me avoid hopelessness when the the world was a challenging place. As a practical matter, much like I have written about when it comes to meditation, all the time I spent writing was time that I didn’t spend agonizing over work or my life.

In this way, writing on the blog gave me something to focus on besides the heavy parts of my life. Sure, I have to come back and face those parts eventually. But I could usually face them with a clearer mind and a fuller heart after spending a little time writing.

Conclusion

There are the lessons I have learned after blogging about mindfulness for five years. I am so glad that I got started and kept going even on the days that I wasn’t sure I could. Just like my mindfulness practice, writing helps me stay mentally healthy and teaches me so much. Thanks to all the lawyers, readers, followers, and friends who have supported the blog. It’s been a great five years and I hope I get to celebrate many more anniversaries in the future.

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Mindfulness and Your Top 5 Mental Patterns Revealed

Even if you aren’t a Spotify user, you probably heard about the Wrapped year-end reviews last week. Wrapped is a feature that summarizes the year in audio for Spotify users. It lists your top artists, top songs, and this year even provides a listening age.

As I heard friends and contacts share stories about this, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if our minds had a similar feature. What would it be like if, each year, we got a list of our top 5 mental patterns?

What If You Got a Yearly Report of Your Mental Patterns?

What if our minds generated some kind of fun video for us to watch and play back our inner audio over the past year? I can’t decide if I would want to watch this video or not. When it comes to music, it can be fun to reflect on the albums and songs that made your year. Thoughts and emotions, though, can be another matter.

In truth, learning about your mental patterns and repetitious thoughts is one of the principal benefits of mindfulness practice. Once you practice meditation enough, you can generate your own mental version of the Spotify Wrapped.

Mindfulness Can Help You Identify Your Top 5 Mental Patterns

Mindfulness practice may help you learn what your top 5 mental tendencies are. For instance, after more than 10 years of meditation, I know that my top 5 usually includes: (1) planning; (2) worrying; (3) wondering; (4) spacing out; and (5) writing. Seriously, my mind is often writing when I meditate whether I am trying to write something or not.

You start to catch repetitious nasty internal phrases. Again, mine include: (1) you aren’t good at this; (2) you will fail; (3) nobody likes you; (4) I’m so embarrassed; and (5) why doesn’t everyone recognize how amazing I am?

Meditation may even help you learn that emotional reactions are part of larger patterns. All my years meditating have helped me see that my top 5 challenging emotions are: (1) anxiety; (2) fear; (3) doubt; (4) anger (that’s hiding anxiety); and (5) loneliness/alienation.

On the flip side, mindfulness practices also helped me see that my top 5 positive emotions are: (1) generosity; (2) humor; (3) compassion; (4) courage; and (5) creativity. This means that sometimes meditation can help us see and embrace our wholesome qualities.

Image listing an example of top 5 mental patterns revealed by mindfulness practice as shared in the blog post

Seeing the Mental Patterns Is Hard but Worthwhile

Unlike the Spotify Wrapped, which usually may be fun or at least funny to see, reckoning with these inner mental and emotional patterns can more of a gut check. Even so, it is worth it because awareness that something has become a pattern provides important information.

1. You Can Take Them Less Personally.

First, seeing your patterns with mindfulness helps you to take things less personally. In the moment, our thoughts and feelings can seem to be really big and important. Mindfulness practice helps you see these incidents as part of a pattern. This helps you zoom out in terms of perspective. You can see an incident as a data point and watch for where your reaction leads instead of being mired in all the messy details.

2. You See How You Can Change the Pattern.

Second, this broader perspective produced in meditation can create the clarity needed to change the pattern. As I have written before, it is exceptionally hard to change habits and patterns. Yet, one of the things that can help us do so is by taking a good clear look at where they lead. Mindfulness can help us see this and it gives us the opportunity to take the steps to make a change.

3. You Gain Motivation to Change the Pattern.

Finally, seeing the reaction or behavior as a pattern helps you appreciate its impact. As I mentioned, changing habits is hard work. It takes discipline and thoughtfulness and a whole lot of self-compassion. In many cases, it can feel daunting even to try to make a change. But, when you see that something is part of a pattern, you can see that it’s not just a singular incident.

In this way, you can see the connection between your singular reaction and the broader state of your life. You can see how your behavior today leads to the circumstances you will face tomorrow and potentially for months and years to come.

Mindfulness Can Help You See Patterns and Change Your Life

As I shared above, I have always struggled with fear and anxiety. It arose in nearly every situation for me. To be honest, it still arises in many situations today. Mindfulness practice helped me see that my anxiety was not just the product of my immediate conditions, but was instead part of a bigger pattern.

Once I saw this, I was in a position to see how much anxiety detracted from my life and kept me from the things I wanted. This was a painful acknowledgement, but it is what motivated me, in very slow and small steps, to change.

For this reason, it is understandable why we all love to hear about our top song, artist, and album lists at the end of the year. Reflecting on our patterns can be a fun thing to do in the case of our music and media choices. It can remind us of the songs that made our years great or helped us cope with a challenging year.

Image that asks the sort of scary question "what would your top 5 mental patterns of the year be?"

At the Year End, Consider Noting Your Top 5 Mental Patterns Too

In the case our minds, taking stock of our patterns can be an interesting exercise too. When it comes to mental patterns and inner reactions, though, seeing things clearly can be a bit more complex. Unlike the Spotify Wrapped, noting the top thoughts or patterns that consume our mental energy can be a bit more challenging.

Even so, I think it is still worth it. Most of us will forget our Spotify Wrapped within a week after we see them each December. Once mindfulness practice helps you see your mental patterns, though, it is hard to forget what they are. It not only opens up new possibilities for change. It also creates a little more space for self-kindness.

At the end of the year, while you are compiling your top lists, it may be interesting to consider your top 5 mindfulness lists too. What occupied your mind most this year? What mental patterns were the most frequent for you? What common phrases played in your mind on a loop?

I don’t promise that reflecting in this way is as fun as seeing your Spotify Wrapped, but when viewed with mindfulness and self-compassion, it may open up fresh possibilities for the new year.

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Mindfulness vs. Ego: Finding Balance in a Digital World

Image of pawns with social media graphics with title "Mindfulness v. Ego: Finding Balance in a Digital World"

I spoke to a group of new law students this week and someone asked the best question about mindfulness and ego. I loved it because it showed a lot of courage and insight. The student asked me if mindfulness practice and blogging or social media are at odds because they contribute to ego.

The short answer I gave him is that this certainly can be a problem but it doesn’t have to be. I explained that anyone who writes or uses social media must learn some skills with managing their ego. And I explained how mindfulness practice can help with that.

After leaving the session, though, the question was still in my mind. It pointed to some fundamental questions about mindfulness and ego that I thought others might be asking. So in this post, I will explore mindfulness and ego a bit more deeply.

What Is the Ego?

Many of us use the word “ego” in conversation but we may not take the time to define the term. A common dictionary definition is “a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.” Most of us wouldn’t argue that a healthy sense of self-esteem is a good thing.

But when I hear the phrase “ego” uttered, it usually has a pejorative connotation. This is because, as most lawyers have observed, it is very easy to get an inflated sense of self-importance. In fact, our hyper-individualistic culture can contribute to this.

This is why it may be helpful to look at the psychological and clinical meaning of the ego. The Cleveland Clinic explains that it is the “part of your personality that helps you make practical, rational decisions.” It also supports your ability to:

adapt to your environment;
regulate your emotions; and
feel like yourself.

Viewed in this more neutral light, you can see that ego is a part of the human psyche that may serve an important function.

Image of dictionary definition of ego as stated in the post which is "a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance"

You Need a Healthy Sense of Self-Esteem

Given this, it would be a misunderstanding in my opinion to say that the goal of mindfulness practice is to overcome or eliminate the ego. In truth, as I have written before, I would be cautious about setting any specific goal for mindfulness practice at all.

Intention can be a wonderful guiding force to help motivate practice. Goals, however, often add a level of expectation that can undermine the cultivation of mindfulness.

In addition, high achievers like lawyers are encouraged to be cautious about pushing themselves too hard when it comes to self-improvement. If you are anything like me, you may need to learn to be kinder to yourself in meditation rather than more disciplined.

Along the same lines, some people may benefit from a more robust sense of self rather than a diminished one. This can include people with particular sensitivities, including histories of trauma or neurodivergence.

But It Helps to Get Clear about Your Life

With that said, mindfulness practices can help you explore the role of ego in your own life. As I have explained before, mindfulness practices are likely to help you explore the very concept of the self. Practicing mindfulness can help you see that “the self” to which you have grown accustomed is not a stable or static thing at all.

Taking time in your day to be present with your thoughts and feelings can give you an opportunity to become aware of patterns in your life. This can give you greater ability to notice, check, or even change some patterns that may not be ideal for you. It may also help you see the ways in which you are not separate from, but instead integrally connected with, others.

In many cases, you are bound to find (much like I have) that the ego is a present driving force in life. You may notice when a need to feel important or especially loved or better than others pushes you in ways that are not wholesome for you or other people. And even better, you may see ways that you can take care of your feelings and find greater connection with others in your life.

In all of these ways, mindfulness can help you understand yourself better, including the role of ego in your life. It can help you become clearer about your place in the world, so that you can navigate relationships more ethically. This can be a truly wonderful and life-changing part of the practice, but it is important to balance this inquiry with self-compassion.

Image of blog post author Claire E. Parsons with quote "Mindfulness practice doesn't mean we have to drop out of the world. It doesn't mean we can't pursue goals or things we love. It doesn't mean we have to change who we are."

Mindfulness, Ego, and Social Media

Given this clearer understanding, I want to return to the law student’s question to illustrate the concepts more clearly. The student asked whether things like blogging and social media are contrary to mindfulness practice because they can contribute to ego.

The operative word in this question is “can”. Most of us know that social media can certainly contribute to one’s sense of self-importance. We know that, depending on how it is used, social media is also associated with adverse mental health consequences and sometimes abhorrent conduct. Even if you aren’t a blogger, you may see how that can have the same effect. But I will say from experience that those things aren’t universally true.

For some people, blogging and social media might lead to unhealthy states of mind, like social comparison or perfectionism. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that those struggles sometimes happened for me. But I have learned to recognize when a striving attitude is taking hold and to give myself a break. I have adopted an attitude of fun and play when it comes to writing and the use of social media. I’ve also let go of expectations. If I have a goal, it is to share ideas and connect with others.

And in truth, I have had to learn how to navigate the negative aspects of social media too. I have had to learn how to not fight with strangers on the internet. I have hard to learn to state my opinions with humility and respect for the viewpoints of others.

In addition, I will be honest that blogging and social media have inspired a lot of humility in me. I have written so many things that never get read. I have had times where people criticize my writing. I have faced imposter syndrome so many times when I see talented people who do things better than me. In all these ways, blogging and social media have provided at least as many checks on my ego as they have provided temptations for it.

What Does This Tell Us about Mindfulness, Ego, and Pursuing Goals?

The big conclusion from all of this that most lawyers will care about is that I don’t think mindfulness practice means we have to get rid of our egos. Mindfulness practice doesn’t mean we have to drop out of the world. It doesn’t mean we can’t pursue goals or things we love. It doesn’t mean we have to change who we are.

Instead, mindfulness practice is really more about understanding ourselves more clearly so that we can engage in the world with greater kindness and skill. In this way, mindfulness practice is not inherently antithetical to the use of social media or to creating a robust body of work in the world.

The caveat here is that, of course, mindfulness practice should inspire you to watch the way you go about pursuing goals and crafting your body of work. It should cause you, at every turn, to consider the impact of these things on you as well as on the community around you.

If you practice mindfulness long enough, you inevitably will question yourself at times just like the law student questioned me. This part of the practice can sometimes be a gut check – or maybe an ego check – but it is one that has changed my life. And it is one that helps me stay honest on this blog and when I use social media. If you learn to make space for questions like these in your own mindfulness practice, they can change your life too.

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Understanding Perfectionism: Lessons from Season 4 of The Bear

Spoiler Alert: Read with caution if you haven’t finished watching Season 4 of The Bear yet. There are a few references to the end of season that some might consider spoilers.

“Mistakes.”

When I heard this word uttered in the latest season of The Bear, it cut like a knife. This single word accentuated the theme for the season: perfectionism. Carmy, the head chef and lead of the show, said it when his colleague and sometimes screaming match partner, Richie, asked him what he was thinking about after a grueling night at the restaurant.

With only a word, Carmy let all the perfectionists watching know exactly what he was experiencing. He was ruminating over his past failures. They were swirling in his mind. It’s fair to imagine they had been with him that entire day, screaming in his ear while he was trying to live his life. Fans of The Bear also immediately knew that they had been with Carmy a lot longer than that.

Perfectionism Can Be a Mistake

The surprising thing that you come to see later is that one of the mistakes that Carmy had to have been thinking about was perfectionism. In the episodes that follow this tepid bath of negative thoughts and self-recrimination, Carmy makes some positive steps forward. He scales back on his overly ambitious strategies. He eases up on his colleagues, Syndey and Marcus, enough to see that they have become masterful chefs. And he even apologizes to his girlfriend months after a panic attack caused him to flee the relationship and ghost her.

As I watched the season, I couldn’t help but see it as a mirror for my own life. I joked with my husband that watching this season in college would have saved me a whole lot of heartache over the years. Just like Carmy, perfectionism was never something I chose but it continues to be something exceptionally hard for me to stop. As the show illustrates, some of us are incentivized for our efforts to be perfect. This makes it very hard to see that perfectionism has its downsides too.

The Downsides of Perfectionism

Season 4 of The Bear shows us these downsides. It shows us how Carmy can’t enjoy success or relax with peace. It shows us how perfectionism can erode the relationships around us and wear down the people we love. It shows us that good results are a double-edged sword for perfectionists.

We may feel good for a moment, but as soon as that moment fades, we are thinking, often unconsciously, of how we can raise the bar higher. When that bar gets too high, and it always does, we crash and feel like failures. This can cause us to turn what we love into a grind, so that even the things we are good at suddenly feel hard.

The Bear Is a Realistic Depiction of Perfectionism

If you are thinking that I am telling you that Season 4 of The Bear is painful to watch, you are right. It was painful for me to watch, but only because it was so painfully true. I knew how easy it is to absorb perfectionism even if no person in your life consciously pushed it on you.

Even if we come from a loving family, the desire to be good and create something good can get twisted by what we miss or maybe by what we see too much in childhood. By the time we get out of school, our tendency to be organized, conscientious, and high performing helps us excel in demanding and intense professions.

And before we know it, we start to emulate the very behaviors we told ourselves we never would. We do this all with the noblest of intentions. We want to make something better, more decent, and gentler than we have ever had. It’s just that we never learned the skills to build this peaceful life we want.

The Good News for the Perfectionists Out There

It absolutely hurt to watch Season 4 of The Bear and to relive all the ways I have hurt myself and others in the process. The good news, for me and for all the perfectionists out there, is that the season has some light at the end of the tunnel. By the end of the season, Carmy has stopped thinking so obsessively about all his mistakes. He starts instead to face them and tries to learn how to avoid repeating them. He stops isolating himself. He gets out of his head. He leans on his friends and admits how he feels.

By the end of the season, Carmy is not fully self-actualized. It is a TV show after all and TV shows about peaceful people who have things figured out would probably not get very good ratings, let alone a slew of Emmy awards. Instead, the season ends with you questioning whether Carmy is once again running from goodness by threatening to leave the restaurant he founded and all the people there he loves. It may turn out that Carmy makes yet another huge mistake.

Mistakes Happen to Us All, Perfectionists Included

And you know what? He probably will. And so will I. I don’t know you, but I bet you will too if you are a perfectionist. Because perfectionism doesn’t leave us easily and for some of us it may never leave entirely. I’ll have to wait for Season 5 to know how it turns out for Carmy, just like I must wait for retrospection to arrive to know if my life choices were really the product of perfectionism. I’m going to keep rooting for Carmy, though, and hope he can learn that mediocrity is sometimes amazing, flaws are opportunities for connection, and you can learn to be okay with peace.

Until then, if you find yourself sitting at a table somewhere with only mistakes rolling around in your head, I hope a friend comes up and asks you what you are thinking about. I hope even more that you do what Carmy did and tell the truth even if all you can muster is a single word.

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