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How to Accept a Lack of Control: Mindfulness for Lawyers

Acceptance is one of the hardest aspects of mindfulness training for lawyers to learn. Or at least this has been the hardest part for me. Many lawyers, myself included, are control freaks and for good reason.

Attorneys have immense power to shape the destiny for clients. You can solve a problem with a phone call. You can craft a strategy that may protect your client’s life, family, or business. You have specialized training and experience that positions you to see subtle things that others miss.

Inevitably, though, situations arise in which your control is limited. This can be shocking, frustrating, and painful for lawyers. The good news is that mindfulness practice is directed at helping us accept things in life we cannot control. This post explains how.

Breathe and pause

When lawyers face a situation beyond our control, it can trigger a variety of emotional responses. We may feel frustration, imposter syndrome, overwhelm, helplessness, or anxiety. We may worry what our clients or firm will think and feel like we are letting everyone down.

These experiences are challenging in themselves, but more significantly can derail our legal strategy if they are left unchecked. Ever seen a fellow lawyer react emotionally and make unforced errors as a result? As a litigator, I have seen this too many times.

The first step for dealing with a lack of control as a lawyer is to take a pause. When you notice the emotions rising, in the form of body tension, heat in your face and neck, or rapid spiraling thoughts, stop what you are doing.

Take a few moments to sit. If you have a mindfulness practice, using a mindfulness practice, such as breath focus, may also help. Notice that you are escalated and take some time to soothe yourself and calm down. If you are very escalated, a walk or mindful movement practice may help too.

Allow your feelings

Once you have calmed down sufficiently, the next step is to allow your feelings. When lawyers confront a lack of control in our cases, it can sometimes raise an inconvenient secondary problem: a lack of control over our emotions.

The thing is, though, that emotions aren’t really things we are supposed to control. From the perspective of mindfulness, we can’t force ourselves to feel any certain way or to stay calm and never feel at all.

Instead, the better approach is to honor our emotions so we can understand the wisdom they have to offer. The key is to do this without letting them force us into harmful actions.

Practices to Help Lawyers Allow Emotions

To that end, when emotions arise for lawyers, it is important to learn to allow them in a safe and kind way. One approach that works for me is to simply feel them in the body. Usually when I can do this, I can recognize the emotion better and keep my mind from spiraling too much.

Another great approach is to use a practice like RAIN that can help you allow and investigate emotions calmly. If I am struggling with self-judgment about my emotions, I invoke the self-compassion step common humanity to remind myself that all lawyers experience difficulties in cases from time to time.

For complex emotions, you may need some additional time to reflect, seek help from friends, or even write to understand how you feel. Though this step can be hard to do, it is one that can help lawyers care for themselves while maintaining stability in a challenging situation.

Image that shares the four mindfulness steps to help lawyers accept a lack of control that were shared in the article

Reflect on past experiences

When lawyers face a lack of control in our cases, our own emotions are only half of the problem. Even once we have returned to calm, we still have to craft a strategy for continuing to serve our clients in the midst of a complex situation.

One problem that can arise when you approach the limits on your control as a lawyer is that your mind may begin spinning false stories. It may tell you that the situation is hopeless. It may shame you or attempt to blame others. It can get stuck in outrage and scheming about revenge.

The antidote to this that works for me is to remember my past experiences. As a seasoned lawyer, I am fortunate (or unfortunate?) to have a collection of memories where my own control was limited in past cases. And you know what? My clients and I got through those situations just fine.

In many ways, law practice is about being flexible enough to navigate situations with clients in rapidly changing circumstances. Reflecting on past times where I did this successfully helps me remember how creative, resourceful, and resilient I am when needed. It inspires hope, determination, and calm.

For newer lawyers who don’t have a ready bank of memories like this, it may help instead to seek counsel and support from more experienced lawyers. Another option that I sometimes use is to look to stories from other inspirational lawyers from contemporary times or history.

Shift Attention to What You Can Control

Lawyers sometimes misunderstand what “acceptance” means in the context of mindfulness practice. People misinterpret it frequently to mean resignation, apathy, or giving up. While in some ways, surrender is a part of acceptance that does not mean succumbing to helplessness.

Wisdom and discernment are also part of acceptance. Sure, acceptance in law practice means truly acknowledging that there are some aspects of our client matters that we cannot control.

Lawyers can’t control what a judge, hearing officer, or other party does. In some situations, we can’t even control our clients. The best we can do is counsel and advise, but clients ultimately make their own choices.

But the fact of limits on our control does not mean that we have no control. When we accept a lack of control in one area, the good news is that it allows us to direct our attention more specifically to what we can control.

Image with definition of "acceptance" shared in the article which is "A mindfulness concept lawyers often misunderstand to mean resignation, apathy, or giving up. It includes wise and discerning surrender to present facts with the aim of identifying and refocusing attention and effort on things within one’s control."

How to Shift Attention to What You Can Control

This for lawyers is the gold buried underneath all the angst that a lack of control creates. When we can wade through the frustration, anxiety, and anger, we can see more clearly that we still have some power.

Shifting attention to what we can control as a lawyers is how we reclaim that power. In my opinion, this is the space where we can offer the most value to clients. Though there are roadblocks, we may recall the things still within our power to move through or around those roadblocks.

Some ways to do this include answering questions like this:

What is the best strategy I can create to navigate the setback in this case?
What things are still within my power to help and guide my client?
What resources, including other staff, are within my power to help and guide my client?
Assuming I could still achieve a great result for my client despite the difficulty so far, how might I achieve it?
What unique skills, traits, or assets do I have as a lawyer to help my client in this situation?

A Lack of Control Is Not Easy to Accept but It Is Essential to Learn

Let’s face it. Lawyers will never enjoy it when they encounter a lack of control in their cases. Mindfulness practices, however, can help us find acceptance and peace in navigating such situations for our clients. By learning take a pause, honor our emotions, reflect on our values and experience, lawyers can return their focus to the things within their control. This can help us find stability and the courage to offer value to our clients in the times when it is needed most.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Lawyers in Fact and Fiction

I am a trial lawyer who writes but also a writer who tries cases. Which profession takes top billing turns on the day and hour. While law is my day job and literature my nighttime pursuit, the longer I toil at both jobs, the more I appreciate how they complement each other, rather than conflict.

My decades as a federal prosecutor and white-collar defense lawyer have made me a better writer. Likewise, the thousands of hours spent writing and rewriting have turned me into a better lawyer.

How Law Practice and Fiction Writing Came Together

The first hint of the synergy came in law school, when a professor noted that 99 percent of being a lawyer was picking the right word at the right time. That describes 100 percent of what makes a good writer.

Nowhere does my legal work lean more heavily on my writing style than in crafting a closing argument to a jury. The key is to remain clear, concise, and compelling.

Before every closing argument, I reread Elmore Leonard’s rules of writing, especially his golden rule: “When you write, try to leave out all the parts that readers skip.” In preparing a jury argument, I delete the parts that will cause a juror’s eyes to glaze over.

Jury argument mirrors the writing process. There is a sad but true saying that there are always three jury closings. There’s the argument a lawyer prepares; the one he delivers; and the one he wishes he had given.

About the New Novel

Chasing the Chameleon, which was published last week, is my third book in the Cash McCahill series and my fifth book to be published. By now, I have learned the hard lesson that each work is always three books: the novel I envisioned, the one I wrote, and the one I wished I had written.

Lawyers who write on the side are perhaps the fastest growing minority in the country. At any writers’ conference or book festival, a person can’t throw a hardback without hitting a writer-attorney. Every attorney I know is either writing a book or aspiring to do so, and there is no shame in that.

Inspiration for Lawyers Who Write

In my Mount Rushmore of attorney-authors are four titans who have scaled the heights of both professions: Sir John Mortimer, Scott Turow, John Grisham, and Erle Stanley Gardner.

Like barrister-author Sir John Mortimer and his enduring fictional creation Horace Rumpole, I was privileged to read law at Oxford. Mortimer enjoyed a distinguished career at the bar, occasionally defending authors and artists facing criminal charges of obscenity. He wrote more than fifty books and scripts but is remembered best for Rumpole, the rumpled, resilient barrister who practiced his trade at the Old Bailey in London.

The older I get, the fonder I grow of Rumpole the curmudgeon. His inner voice during witty but doomed arguments with his wife Hilda (“She Who Must Be Obeyed”) and pompous judges are priceless. There is nobility in his dogged efforts to defend the downtrodden.

Some Lawyers Truly Write What They Know

I later attended Harvard Law School during the tenure of Scott Turow, whose nonfiction book One L was published during my law school years. Turow went on to write thirteen fiction works, the most famous being his first novel: Presumed Innocent. No one is better at portraying the vicissitudes of a criminal trial and the tinderbox of emotions unleashed in the courthouse.

While I share no school ties with John Grisham, he graciously visited our home in Dallas to support a fundraiser for a charity for which his wife and mine serve on the board: Share Our Strength/No Kid Hungry. His success as a novelist is unmatched. Thirty-seven consecutive number one fiction bestsellers. More than 300 million books worldwide.

During the visit, I asked Grisham whether in the wake of his great success he ever missed the courtroom. He stared at me as if I were a madman and said no.

Much like Rumpole, however, I would miss the courtroom. Perhaps that is easy for me to say because I haven’t racked up the sales of Grisham or Turow. But trial work by day and writing fiction at night gives my life balance. One pursuit is largely public and performative. The other, mostly private and contemplative.

How Writing Works with Law Practice

The allure of the courtroom helps me understand why so many actors on both sides of the pond return to the stage, though a theatre gig pays far less than they could command for film. In a criminal trial, the lawyers play to a live audience, and the feedback from closing arguments may come in hours or days.

That leads to the fourth giant on my personal Mount Rushmore of attorney-authors: Erle Stanley Gardner. If Grisham is prolific, Gardner was super prolific. More than 300 million books sold under more than a dozen pen names. Among his 131 works of fiction are the mother lode: 82 full-length Perry Mason novels.

Gardner was a lawyer’s lawyer, often representing the poor and powerless, including Chinese and Mexican immigrants. He founded the Court of Last Resort to advocate for the wrongly convicted.

Yet, he still found time to create the most popular lawyer in fiction: Perry Mason. Mason is to fictional lawyers what Sherlock Holmes is to detectives. Both are brilliant knights who fight like hell for their clients and to discover the truth. In Gardner’s world of fiction, the truth is what frees Mason’s clients.

In real life, not so much.

This Lawyer Will Keep on Writing

As a kid, I spent countless hours watching black-and-white reruns of Perry Mason and reading the source material: the Mason novels. The experience inspired me to plant one foot in the law and the other in literature.

Gardner’s long run with Mason also inspired me to launch my Cash McCahill series, the third entry of which (Chasing the Chameleon) which was published last week. With 82 Mason novels, that means only 79 more Cash books to match Gardner’s otherworldly output.

Author Bio: Paul Coggins is a nationally prominent criminal defense lawyer and the former United States Attorney for the Northern District of Texas. He has published two Cash McCahill novels (Sting Like a Butterfly and Eye of the Tigress), with a third entry in the series (Chasing the Chameleon) to be published in March 2026. A fourth Cash book (Canary in the Courthouse) is in the works. You can follow Paul on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.

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How Lawyers Can Use Self-Compassion for Growth

December can be hit or miss for lawyers depending on how your year was. It can be a big celebration if you had a lot of growth. But it can be a struggle if the year did not quite go as you had hoped. In both cases, self-compassion is in order.

Now, you may think it’s odd that I say self-compassion is important if you achieved your goals. If so, jump down to point 2 below. Most of us understand innately why self-compassion might help when we fail to achieve our goals.

The struggle, of course, is in remembering to use employ it. That is why I am reminding you about it here (and trying to remind myself in the process). If self-compassion is a struggle for you, know that you aren’t alone. But keep reading because this post has some tips and a good resource to help you learn more.

Lawyers Should Be Cautious about Raising the Bar

One of the reasons that I am thinking about this now is that I did not achieve all my goals this year. It was a great year for me. I achieved many of the goals I had set for myself. Sadly, I did not achieve them all and one significant personal project fell by the wayside.

When you are a high achiever, like many lawyers are, it can be really easy to expect that you will achieve all your goals. This can cause you to forget that many of our goals are challenging and subject to conditions outside of our control. What this means is that accomplishing the goals we set for ourselves is not always something we can realistically expect.

How can we reflect on the year in a way that keeps our standards high, but doesn’t continuously raise the bar to unhealthy levels?

Assess Your Growth with Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is the tool that can help us find balance here. As I have written before, self-compassion has three simple steps: (a) mindfulness; (b) common humanity; and (c) self-kindness.

Contrary to popular belief, these steps are not about being “easy” on yourself. Instead, they are about being fair to yourself. Self-compassion is about not judging yourself more harshly than you would judge someone else.

Even if you struggle with self-compassion, using the three steps in your year-end reflection can help you take a balanced and accurate view.

Step 1: Mindfully Review the Data

The first step – mindfulness – does not require meditation though that can help. Instead, mindfulness here refers to awareness. To review your year with self-compassion, you would review the data of what transpired.

To do this, you might ask questions like these:

What did you accomplish this year?
How did you use your time?
How do you feel about the year?
What happened during the year that was unexpected or out of your control?

When you ask these questions, be as objective and neutral as you can be. It may help to review your calendar and any relevant data points to ensure your reflections are based on accurate data.

Step 2: Celebrate the Victories

In a normal year, the odds are that the questions above will elicit both positive and negative recollections. Though it may be easy to do, I encourage you to not gloss over the positive parts.

One part of self-compassion that lawyers easily forget is enjoying positive things. If you achieved goals or hit milestones, by all means, celebrate them.

If you struggle to even recognize the positive things you did, as some lawyers might, you can try to reflect on these questions:

What did you do well?
What personal or professional growth did you experience?
What goals did you achieve or what habits did you make last?
What makes you proud about the last year?

This is not an exercise of selfishness or arrogance. In fact, one benefit of reflecting on achievements is that it inevitably leads to reflection of the people and supports who helped you along the way. If these arise, share your celebration by expressing gratitude or praising the people who deserve it.

Step 3: Identify the Areas of Growth

Of course, the biggest struggle for many of us is with the goals we did not achieve. These dreaded “areas of growth” can easily make us feel defeated or hopeless. As people who come to expect high performance, lawyers often don’t know how to process failure when it comes.

This is where self-compassion is really essential. Mindfulness can help us get clear about the things that did not go as we had hoped. The second step, common humanity, is what can help us stay clear and avoid judging ourselves too harshly.

To identify the areas of growth from the year, we can ask ourselves these questions:

What projects did you not get to?
On what goals did you fall short?
What problems or struggles did you encounter?
What things or experiences are missing in your life and work?

After we identify these items, the key is to remember that we are human and that most humans are imperfect. Most humans do not always achieve 100% of their goals 100% of the time. Then, instead of beating ourselves up, we might reflect on the things that were struggles for us and consider what we need to recover or move forward.

Use Self-Compassion to Set New Year Goals

As I have written before, self-compassion is not just for reflecting at the end of the year. It can also help you apply more self-kindness when you set goals for the new year.

This may help you find motivation to start strong with a new habit. It could help you learn to stop procrastinating on one of those nagging projects that you’ve avoided for too long. It can even make sometimes heart-wrenching resolutions, like checking unhealthy habits or weight loss, feel less painful.

If you are looking to set high goals or form healthier habits in the new year, don’t forget about self-kindness and honoring your human needs.

Where Lawyers Can Learn More

Image for webinar event shared in the blog post that is called "recharge your legal mind: year end reflection for growth in the new year"

If you want to learn more about this topic, you are in luck. I will be presenting a webinar for CLE credit on this subject for the Knowledge Group on December 12, 2025 at 12 PM EST. The session will be available on-demand after that date as well.

I will be speaking about Self-Compassion for End of Year Self-Reflection and Goal-Setting. Fellow lawyers and mindfulness teachers, Ron Wilcox and Alexandra Echser-Rasmussen will offer session on mindfulness practices and self-care.

If you would like to join the session, you can connect with me on LinkedIn and send me a message for a 50% off code.

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How to Change Law Firms Without Losing Your Soul

After almost 14 years with my former firm, I made a change to a new firm this May. As excited as I was by the new opportunity, it was a hard process. There were many thoughts swirling in my mind and there was a ton of emotion. My reasons for making the change will remain private out of respect for everyone involved, but I have already said publicly that I was grateful for the start my former firm had given me. In this way, the goal when I left was not just to pursue a new opportunity but to do it while causing as little pain as possible.

Experience tells me that I am not alone in this. Even when a job is no longer right for us, we may feel loyalty to and genuinely want the best for the team we are leaving. We may need to maintain good relationships since lawyers in some jurisdictions might all know each other. Or maybe we just don’t want the personal baggage of knowing we made a hard situation worse with nasty behavior.

With all of those things in mind, here are the steps I took that helped me make my decision and leave with as much grace as possible.

1. Pick a new firm with good values.

Most of us would like to think that we are perfect angels and would always do the right thing no matter what. But, the truth is that we are social beings and are heavily influenced by those around us. Thus, if you want to live your values, it really helps to work at a firm aligned with them. One of the best things you can do to make a good transition is to pick a firm with good people who can support and guide you and will not put inappropriate pressure on you. In other words, the first step towards leaving well is to be sure that you are joining a team with good people.

2. Don’t gossip before you give notice.

This may be one of the hardest things for lawyers to do because we are incredibly social. Yet, this is why you should be cautious about sharing information about your plans too soon. Word spreads quickly among lawyers and the rise of social media has made that phenomenon even faster. To honor the feelings of your colleagues and allow for a planned message to clients, it is best to avoid discussing your plans publicly before you give notice to your firm.

3. Don’t play games with client relationships.

This one should be a no-brainer since the ethical rules prohibit it, but the temptation to get a competitive advantage in retaining clients is always there. Don’t give in. Following the rules when it comes to client relationships in the midst of attorney transitions is essential. Not only does it avoid putting clients in an awkward position, it also avoids behavior that will all but guarantee an acrimonious relationship with your former firm.

4. Talk to calmer and wiser people.

Though you should be discrete about it, life change necessitates seeking counsel from a wise and stable person. Ideally, this person can listen to you and remind you to take the long view and walk in the other person’s shoes. They can help you to focus on your future instead of getting embroiled in issues from the past. They can help you avoid becoming defensive or combative because you feel frustrated or unsure.

In the best case, they can even help you prepare for the difficult conversations that await you and help you plan out how you are going to give notice. Taking the time to talk out your concerns and plan out your course of action with a trusted advisor will help you stay true to your values even in the midst of difficult circumstances.

5. Manage your emotions.

Leaving a law firm is not just a business transaction. It also means changing or perhaps terminating some relationships. Emotions are likely to arise on all sides. It doesn’t work to fight them, so your best bet is to care for them. Expect that you may have to deal with a range of potentially conflicting emotions both in yourself and others. Plan in time to write or talk these issues out with interested parties or trusted friends and relatives. Move as much as possible to discharge excess energy and relieve stress. Give yourself grace as your emotions fluctuate from elation about the future to sadness and even grief about the past.

When you change jobs or think about changing jobs, guilt may be one of the first emotions you feel. Our work as attorneys and roles in our firms can serve as a foundational part of our identities. The idea of changing these roles can cause us to feel like we are being disloyal or doing something wrong. Or it can just cause fear about what the future might bring.

At the core of many of these emotions, you may often find judgment. When you can move past the judgment or at least hold it a little less tightly, another opportunity opens up. Instead of focusing on whether you or your decision is good or bad, you can focus with more precision on how to execute your decision the right way. If you make ethics and values the cornerstone of your transition plan and balance the emotions of yourself and others, you can change your law firm without losing your soul.

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What Law Firm Leaders Can Learn from Better Call Saul

I was watching Better Call Saul with my husband as Howard Hamlin, the law firm partner with perfectly quaffed blonde hair and a toothpaste commercial grin, appeared on screen. After meeting with the title character, Saul Goodman, Howard gets into an expensive vehicle and drives away to reveal a vanity plate that reads “NAMAST3”. We already knew that Howard had been struggling with his past and had turned to yoga and new-found spirituality to tame his inner demons. Unfortunately, as the audience eventually learns, Howard’s inner peace is much like the spelling on his vanity plate: not quite right.

My husband smirked, turned to me and said, “Does that irritate you?” He was mocking me, but I was nerding out far too hard to acknowledge it. Instead of rolling my eyes at him, I replied “No, this is a great example about how easy it is to gaslight ourselves with spirituality.” Indeed it was, but it turned out to be a tragic one too. In Better Call Saul, Howard had turned to yoga and mindfulness to soothe his tortured soul after the downfall and death of his mentor and Saul’s brother, Charles McGill.

Despite this new-found ethos, however, there is little evidence of reflection on Howard’s part about his preoccupation with appearing perfect or the practices of his own law firm. Tragically, Howard’s obsession with his reputation left him vulnerable to Saul’s tricks, and it ultimately lead to his own death and the implosion of his firm.

I talk about the power of mindfulness all the time, so it may seem strange that I would draw attention to Howard Hamlin. If anything, he shows us that mindfulness has limits, right? And, to be sure, the characters on Better Call Saul are generally examples of what not to do as attorneys. So why talk about them?

I talk about them because, of course, there are limits to mindfulness practices. As Howard demonstrates, one of the dangers of mindfulness practice is that it can help you feel better temporarily or on a surface level without achieving the clarity needed for real peace. If you don’t have other supports to ground you, you may end up deluding yourself instead of growing and understanding yourself better.

The show doesn’t tell us what practices and teachers Howard relied on to develop his mindfulness practice, though his license plate suggests he went for yogic practices. The show offers clues, however, that Howard is otherwise intent on appearing serene when his life in many ways seems to be falling apart. Though he experienced the death of his law partner, strife in his firm, and an impending divorce, Howard seems intent on showing everyone how happy and at ease he is. There’s also no mention of Howard trying additional strategies, like therapy for example, to support himself.

I don’t say these things to suggest that Howard was a bad guy. He really wanted to be a good guy. He wanted to be a mentor to young lawyers. He wanted to be a good leader and build a law firm that lasted. The problem is that Howard was not an aware guy because he was afraid to see himself as he really was. In this way, Howard Hamlin was entirely human, but his obsession with looking at peace tragically got in the way of him ever finding it.

Research is clear that mindfulness practices, including yoga, can help you reduce stress and feel more at peace. They do that, though, by helping you face yourself as you are and life as it is. Part of that means accepting your own imperfections and learning how to share them with others. As Howard Hamlin shows us, your so-called inner peace can get torn apart very easily when you can’t allow yourself to do this.

The legal profession certainly needs more law firm leaders who are willing to be examples about leading a good life, including the practices that help them do it. So, if you are a serious yogi, go ahead and talk about it and keep that yoga mat in your office. But, don’t just talk about it and throw a vanity plate on your car. You also need to act on the values that have served you well. You need to be real in a way that Howard Hamlin never let himself be about the struggles you’ve had rather than merely trying to convey an illusion of spiritual purity. Not only do you deserve all the support you can get when you deal with hardships in life, your law firm may need you to get it.

Indeed, research suggests that emotional intelligence and relationship-building are essential leadership traits. Even the best lawyers would struggle to do either of these things without being honest with themselves and others about who they really are. Law firm leaders who embrace mindfulness to help stabilize themselves can certainly use the practices to become better leaders for their firms.

But they shouldn’t do so with the objective of always looking calm and serene, especially not when real crises in life or law practice are happening. Instead, the practices are there to help you accept and face what is there–in yourself or in life–and greet it with compassion. When you can do this, there will be no need to tell people how at peace you are because you’ll show it with your life, law practice, and leadership every day.

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