As a teacher of mindfulness and compassion, I have learned that a big part of the job is addressing assumptions. When it comes to compassion, this is even more critical since it tends to get less attention than mindfulness. In addition, though compassion is essential and can be incredibly powerful, many people assume it’s just like empathy or no different from being warm, soft, and nice. Even those who have felt the power of a compassionate response may think it’s impossible to cultivate it or show it when needed because we can’t train ourselves to feel a certain way on cue.
I get these concerns because I struggled with them in the past. That’s why I am writing this post to help you identify the things to look for when you practice compassion in your own life. In truth, compassion is not an emotion and does not require a specific bodily response. With time and experience, however, you can identify the experience more clearly so you can understand it better and cultivate it.
A common area of confusion when it comes to compassion is the idea that it is an emotional reaction. The reason that this presents a problem is that people often assume that compassion requires them to respond with certain emotions. In reality, the clinical definition of compassion is the response to suffering coupled with the willingness to help. This means that emotions that are often involved but they don’t have to manifest in any specific way.
Even when physical sensations and emotions are present, you may also find that they don’t stay the same throughout the compassion response. Since compassion is about suffering, the first reaction may be one of pain, discomfort, or concern. In many cases, though, these difficult emotions can shift or transform into something closer to love or connection. This means a variety of bodily sensations are likely to occur, including sensations in the belly and chest and changes to breath and heart rate.
At the end of a compassion response, many people report (and I have personally experienced) feelings of wellbeing and serenity. This is because the compassion response causes the release of the hormones oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin which are associated with love, rewards, and satisfaction. The most common place to look for these sensations is in the area of the heart, but those can range from feelings of fullness to a sense of expansion or lightness or even warmth or tingling throughout the body.
So, what does all of this tell us about what compassion feels like? First, compassion includes present and embodied awareness. Critically, this is an awareness rooted in your own experience that is not entirely absorbed by the situation of a suffering third party. In addition, the compassion response may not be a singular response at all but could by a dynamic unfolding from discomfort and concern into opening and, where necessary and appropriate, action.
For all these reasons, I can’t tell you what compassion feels like because compassion is not merely a feeling and the details of its manifestation may vary. Because compassion is a response to suffering, the particular suffering at issue may affect how it appears. The way to understand compassion best is to pay attention to how it manifests in you as you cultivate it. In short, the big question isn’t how compassion is supposed to feel, but instead how it tends to feel for you.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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In this interview, I talk about the human realities and workplace practices that lead to hustle culture and she offers some insights about how to get out of the trap.
What is your definition of hustle culture? What are the strategies that you have used to avoid it?
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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Founder’s Note: I have written here before about how much networking on LinkedIn and creativity have done for me. Even so, I know it’s hard to do at the beginning because you are trying to learn something new and engagement may seem slow. I recently came across Lin Walker on LinkedIn and found her comments to be thoughtful and well crafted. We chatted and I was inspired by her willingness to jump in and get started with content creation to promote herself and her firm. I think you will be inspired by her too, so read on and consider following her for more great content on LinkedIn.
Q. Lin, you are getting started on LinkedIn and with content creation. Tell me why you decided to take that leap to support your firm and practice?
I decided to start marketing on LinkedIn for a number of reasons that centered on accessibility issues for foreign nationals and for female and minority attorneys, like me.
U.S. immigration law is unnecessarily complex, involving at least five different governmental agencies, with policies and procedures guided by statutes, regulations, internal memoranda, administrative case law and executive orders. So much of what is written by attorneys is for other attorneys – the language and terminology is often complicated and relies on terms of art that someone without legal training would struggle to understand and apply, let alone someone whose first language is not English.
I wanted to provide a service for foreign nationals and non-attorneys to make immigration law more accessible, but also for people who are new to the practice, whether they are paralegals, attorneys or human resources managers. My goal is always accessibility–no matter a person’s background or training, I want to make U.S. immigration policies and procedures understandable to remove some of the fear and anxiety in dealing with the various governmental agencies.
I also felt like there was an absence of voices from people like me. I am a first-generation immigrant and first-generation attorney. Most legal publications do not make it easy for someone like me publish an article–they want a pedigree and lived experiences that I do not possess. In addition, in the past, when I was asked to write articles, they were published under the partner’s name (usually male) and I was lucky if I received a byline or footnote with my name. With LinkedIn, I have an equal opportunity to express my opinions and experiences in a way that is authentic to me–where I get credit for my own hard work. LinkedIn = freedom for me.
Q. Isn’t this somewhat scary for you? How are you dealing with that?
Initially it was terrifying – I was never given an opportunity to use my own voice before, so I was out of practice. I worried about posting something that was viewed as awful or unhelpful.
I can’t say I’m over this 100%, but I was able to quiet that fear and make the practice more tenable by focusing on my goal to make immigration law accessible and by sticking to what I knew best (immigration law) and the issues that I was passionate about. If I read an article and it caused a reaction, I knew I had to write about it. Instead of venting to my husband about how terrible an immigration policy, procedure or decision was, I wrote about it.
I have also found a measure of peace in the process by following other attorneys and seeing how they made topics accessible and inspired engagement on LinkedIn. A trusted friend recently offered me great advice: even when a post is authentic and right for you, there is a still a level of discomfort and vulnerability. Part of the process is becoming comfortable with this level of vulnerability.
Q. Is any part of content creation fun for you? What have you liked?
I absolutely love collaborating with other people–attorneys or not–to create accessible content. One project that I love is critiquing the way popular culture (movies and television) portrays the U.S. immigration system and providing guidance on what is real and what is dramatized for entertainment purposes. There is so much misunderstanding of how the immigration system works and so many stereotypes about immigrants – by critiquing these portrayals, it is my hope to educate the general public about the realities of the U.S. immigration system and immigrants.
I have been fortunate enough to work with a Social Media Content Producer who shares my goal of providing educational and accessible content. It was actually his idea to critique how films portray U.S. immigration and immigrants. With his guidance, I was able to combine my love of researching, writing and educating into creating content for LinkedIn.
I’ve also been lucky enough to work with a Digital Marketing expert who introduced me to several attorneys who are doing amazing things on LinkedIn, which is how I was introduced to you.
Q. Part of content creation, especially in the early phases, is feeling like you are screaming into a void. Do you have a dream or goal that is helping you keep moving forward?
Initially creating content was really a struggle because I thought, “why post that – everyone knows that!” But in reality, the opposite is true – my lived experiences have given me a different perspective and goal – to make U.S. immigration law accessible to anyone who needs it. Being able to offer guidance, as a first-generation immigrant, and first-generation immigration attorney, outweighs most of the fear that I have about my content.
Q. What resources would you offer to other lawyers who are trying content creation for marketing or networking purposes?
If you are struggling to create content – that’s normal, we’ve all been there. Try starting by addressing questions that clients ask you all the time. It doesn’t matter if other attorneys know the answer – you’re not writing for them. You’re writing for your current or future client(s).
If someone criticizes your content without providing actionable feedback – ignore them. If the feedback isn’t geared towards improving your content, then serves only one purpose–to muzzle you. Your LinkedIn profile is your party – you decide who to let in and how wild it gets.
If you can’t get support within your firm or practice area, collaborate with people outside your firm or practice area. There are so many areas of law that overlap and so many industries impacted by your particular area of practice. And, there are so many amazing people on LinkedIn who can mentor and support you.
Lin Walker is an attorney whose practice has focused on all aspects of employment- and family-based immigration law. As an experienced attorney, Lin has represented diverse corporate and individual clients, focusing on outstanding researchers, individuals of extraordinary ability in the arts, sciences and business, and individuals whose work is in the national interest of the United States. Prior to joining Meyner and Landis, Lin worked at several immigration law firms, where she handled various employment- and family-based immigration cases, including O-1, O-2, H-1B, L-1, TN, EB-1 (Extraordinary Ability, Outstanding Researcher/Professor and Multinational Manager), and National Interest Waiver petitions, as well as adjustment of status applications, naturalization applications, and PERM Labor Certifications. In addition, Lin served as a high school science teacher in New York City for six years, working with at-risk teenagers and young adults, where she received a prestigious Math for America Master Teacher Fellowship in 2015.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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For most of the pandemic, I was good about working out but struggled with motivation to do strength training. I kept trying to incorporate strength into my routine but inevitably fell out of the habit. This was until last year when I finally cracked the code of inconsistency and developed a pattern of doing 3 days focusing on strength, and 3 days focusing on cardio. Fortunately, the realities of math and my calendar led to me designating Friday as my day of rest.
And you know what? I loved it. It was nice to mix things up. It was nice to get back to a practice I hadn’t done for a while. It was nice to remind myself that my practice was mine and I could tailor it to suit my needs. After a long work week, it was nice to emphasize rest and my body more and my mind little bit less.
I have touted consistency on this blog before and I won’t depart from that wisdom any time soon. But meditation is a practice for life and it will come with ebbs and flows. At times, it may also come with boredom and malaise. Variety is one way to stave those things off or recover from them. In this way, even if the “rest day” is slightly less consistent, it is conducive overall to preserving mindfulness as a habit long-term.
Now, you may wonder how to incorporate a mental rest day if you aren’t a fan of restorative yoga. In truth, the name of a “mental rest day” is a bit of a misnomer because many mindfulness practices may include a rest for the mind. This is actually a good thing, though, because it means options for mixing up your meditation practice are myriad.
Here are some ideas beyond restorative yoga for trying your own mental rest day:
Try a guided meditation if you usually use silence. Try silence if you usually use guiding. Play some relaxing music while you meditate in place of either.
Try mindful movement, including walking meditation, qi gong, or tai chi.
Try a new kind of meditation practice. If you usually do breath practice, incorporate body scan, loving-kindness or a new kind of noting practice such as mindfulness of sounds.
When it comes to physical fitness, the idea of a “rest” day is so standard that it’s almost a no-brainer. The reason for this is clear: our bodies need time to recover from physical training and exertion. This same idea often holds true for our minds too. If you need a break or just want to try something new, consider incorporating a mental rest day into your mindfulness practice.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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And now that I’m 40. Do I have amazing wisdom? Am I totally poised? Have I reached the pinnacle of success or am I at least on the path to it? I don’t know. Maybe. But here’s the thing: I just don’t care so much.
That’s why I feel good about turning 40. When I say I “don’t care”, I don’t mean that I don’t care about life, the direction in which my life is headed, or whether I’m making an impact. I think you should care about those things to lead a happy life.
It’s just that, at 40, I understand the value of caring in proportion. I’ve felt the pain of efforting through life and learned that things often work out even if they fall apart first. So, now I don’t have to worry about “being somebody” and can instead just be myself.
To be perfectly honest, I am still totally dependent on others. Though I am damn smart, I have no clue where life is headed. And I am still totally overwhelmed by life. But now I know that this is how life is supposed to be.
I’ve written a lot on this blog about how mindfulness has helped me. Though this aspect of mindfulness is perhaps the most ineffable, it may also be the most impactful. For most of my life, I have been a fighter. I would complain when things were not to my liking. I would resist when things were not under my total control. And I would doubt and blame myself when I struggled.
I also don’t feel sad because I haven’t lost anything. I’ve gained life experience and the skills to face what life brings. So, I feel good about turning 40. I’m proud and happy that this year I can just blow out the candles, enjoy the day, and face with a full heart whatever the next decade brings.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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You can find it at the link above, most podcast outlets, or watch it on YouTube here:
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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It is perhaps the most commercialized and made up of all that holidays, but I have a special place in my heart for Valentine’s Day nonetheless. As a February baby, I always loved taking in pink cupcakes to share as my birthday treat for the class.
In addition, February in my home state of Kentucky tends to be a tough month to survive. By the time February rolls around, the mystique and motivation of the new year has worn off and the cold grey weather can pull even the sunniest of dispositions into the doldrums. For this reason, any excuse to spread kindness and cheer is a good idea.
This year, though, Valentine’s is extra special to me and so is my birthday. This February, I’ll be turning 40. Some people might be sad about that but I’m not. One reason is that I get to celebrate this birthday knowing I accomplished a big life goal.
Thanks to many friends from the internet, the book debuted as a #1 New Release on Amazon and has seen a great reception. As a new author, I am so grateful for the support and I want to celebrate it with my community. To do that, starting today I will be giving away 100 Kindle copies of my book on Goodreads. You can enter the drawing any time between now and February 14th. If you win, the Kindle will be automatically added to your Kindle library after Valentine’s Day.
There is a common idea that confidence is this feeling of empowerment. Some people define it in the negative as if it the absence of fear or doubt. I don’t like those definitions. Perhaps they are true for some, but based on my own experience they are incomplete.
I think confidence is more of a process than an emotion. Thus, the test can’t be how you feel in any given moment. It has to be based on what you do over time.
So, when Attorney at Law magazine reached out to me to ask for a guest blog post, it didn’t take long for me to come up with a topic. I knew I had to write about confidence and explain it is really. I also wanted to explain why mindfulness and compassion are powerful tools for building confidence.
To learn more, check out the full guest post here:
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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People curious about my decision to quit drinking alcohol usually ask me (privately) some version of the same two questions: Why? and How?
THE “WHY”
The “Why” is different for everybody.
My “Why” was like an everything bagel – a really stale one.
Some people quit out of necessity. They get in legal trouble, their spouse threatens divorce, the doctor (or priest) says “it’s time,” they develop an allergy (that’s a real thing), they “accidentally” say something that incinerates a most-cherished relationship, their boss threatens them with termination, etc.
Others quit because they see the effects of alcohol around them and they just want to do things differently. They’re tired of the drama, the missed deadlines, the prurient behavior, the disappointments, the dishonesty, the worrying, etc. Alcohol weighs them down – indirectly, but in a powerful way. And it’s just plain exhausting.
Some quit for financial reasons. Regular boozing is expensive. I did the math for myself, and I figure (conservatively) that if I had never started drinking in the first place, I would have saved enough money to pay cash for law school.
Look: 21 years of drinking (I’m 42 and it actually started way earlier than that) x $25 (average) per day = $191,625. My law school charged me a whopping $120,000 (plus a boatload of compounding interest).
If that math sounds wonky to you, try this one: I quit 981 days ago. My sobriety tracker app estimates I’ve saved myself $24,425 since quitting. Think about what that means moving forward. I’m hoping to get another 50 years out of this ride!
Even moderate drinking drains the bank. A 6-pack of beer costs $6 – $10. If I bought one every other day (no more than three beers a day): that’s $18 – $40 a week; $936 – $2,080 a year; $46,800 – $104,000 in 50 years.
The numbers above don’t even account for lost productivity or the healthcare costs associated with regular or prolonged drinking. When I started my journey, I estimated I spent one hour a day drinking (it was way more). I’ve earned back almost 1,000 hours of my life – but it feels like a million. My productivity now is threefold what it was when I quit. I have three active boys, a busy law practice with my spouse, and a side-gig as an artist and marketer. I need all the energy I can get. And I love all of the energy that I have!
Truth is: there are a million different reasons to quit. No matter what yours are, have been or will be, keep a few things in mind:
1. Your “why” is the most important “why” for you, even if someone else tells you it is silly, stupid, meaningless, an overreaction etc. Nobody knows you like you. DO YOU. All the rest of it is just noise.
2. No one else’s “why” is better or worse than yours. Playing the comparison game will not – I repeat – will not help you. Compare yourself only to yourself and keep moving! It’s a game of progress not perfection.
3. Your “why” is not a point of shame – no matter how bad you think it is. YOUR WHY IS YOUR SUPERPOWER. Own it. Love it. Remember it. Honor it. Your “Why” got you where you are. And that, my friends, is a blessing – even if it hurts in the beginning. It won’t hurt forever, I promise!
4. You are allowed to share your “why” with others, but you don’t have to, especially if you’re not ready. Take your time. You may not even really understand your “why” fully until you’ve had some time to clear your mind and think about the impact of your choices and actions. Be patient with yourself and with others. Growth takes time. A lot of it. You’re allowed a little privacy in this process.
First,talk kindly to yourself. When you quit drinking, you are going to have feelings. Lots of them. Some may be painful or uncomfortable. And some may be wonderful beyond your wildest expectations. Positive self-talk is absolutely essential to riding this roller coaster. If you’re lucky, your parents taught you how to do this and you’re already good at it. But lots of folks are clueless when it comes to self-soothing. So, try this simple exercise: Imagine yourself 20 years into the future. Close your eyes and picture what you look like, how you feel and all of the wisdom you’ve earned over the years. Picture yourself happy, content, fulfilled and proud. Now, ask that future version of you to talk to the current you. Do it out loud. And keep it simple: “You can do this.” “I’m proud of you.” “This will pass.” “Just breathe.” Do this every. single. day. Keep in mind, there is no such thing as a right way or a wrong way. Just do your best and thank yourself for the effort!
Second, if you’re going to quit drinking, you’ve got to replace old habits with new ones. Use your hands. Try knitting, whittling, braiding leather, stringing beads, weaving. Get yourself a cheap sketchbook, a pocket-sized watercolor set, a notebook, a camera (your smart phone works!). Paint, write, draw, photograph, write poetry, imagine. Whatever you use, it needs to be portable, it needs to be mind-numbing and it needs to be with you all the time. Something you can carry through airport security (okay, maybe not a whittling knife). Every time you feel the old habit creep up, grab your “thing” and get those hands busy. Don’t stop until the urge passes. It will pass.
Third, there will be plenty of days when you want to drink. Have a plan. When I first decided to quit drinking, I took all the alcohol out of the house. We were in Covid lockdown so there was really no place for me to go to drink, so that made it easy (easier). But, if you know that going to Happy Hour on Thursdays with your coworkers will be a temptation for you, don’t go. Go see a movie instead or check out your local park or nature trail. If you do socialize with drinking friends, ask the bartender in advance to make you a fancy, refillable “mocktail.” I kept a pretty glass, soda water and fresh lemon and lime on hand at all times for the first year. Hot tea is a great sippy cup substitute also.
Fourth, sweat out that stress. You absolutely have to exercise. Make time. If you had time to drink yesterday, you have time to sweat today. At my drinking peak, I used alcohol daily to blunt a fairly heavy level of work/parenting stress. So when I quit, that energy had to go somewhere. I literally felt like I was going to explode. The first 60 days were the worst. Then my mom and sisters insisted we do remote cardio classes together. I cursed them for days. But it worked. With their help, I started a new habit, and prevented what I thought was sure to be a case of premature death by spontaneous combustion. Remember, exercise doesn’t have to be expensive. Cleaning house counts. Yard work counts. Just move. And make sure you’re sweating when you do it.
Fifth, ask for help if you need it. Everybody’s circumstances are different. You may have an unsupportive roommate or partner. Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed and don’t know where to start (or how to stop). Maybe you feel trapped or ashamed or like you’re just not strong enough to weather the next storm. There are people who are ready to help you. Ask a doctor, a priest, a family member, a close friend, a local non-profit or a support group. Reach out to someone you trust. Loving arms will catch you.
Finally, think about how you see alcohol in your life. Look around. We are bombarded with advertising encouraging alcohol consumption in every one of life’s most glorious occasions: weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, the Super Bowl. We use it for celebration and in moments of sorrow. Did you get dumped? Blow that big presentation? Fail your final exam? There’s a concoction for that!
Alcohol. Is. Literally. Everywhere. I never really noticed this until I decided to quit. And then I asked myself, why do they want me to drink so much? It’s an odd thing, really.
I often wonder how things would be if, instead of asking “How” and “Why” a person quits drinking, we were to ask “How” and “Why” we all start drinking in the first place. The answer, of course, does not matter. All that matters is what you do today. And I have a question for you: What have you got to lose?
Author Bio: Christina T. Mazaheri is Managing Partner at Mazaheri & Mazaheri where she practices primarily in the areas of Employment & Civil Rights Law. She is a native South Carolinian and met her husband and law partner, Bernie, while working at the nation’s largest plaintiffs’ firm in Florida. Christina and her family (Bernie, their three boys and their Great Danes) moved to their “forever home” in the Bluegrass region of Kentucky in 2018. Christina handles cases in several states, and she has published articles and spoken on topics dealing with Wage & Hour, Age Discrimination, Arbitration and Family Medical Leave issues in the workplace. When she’s not practicing law, Christina takes an active role in educating her children, who are full-time practitioners of the Art of Fencing. Christina also enjoys creative urban agriculture, historic renovation, painting, music & textile arts, raising and showing Great Danes, and remaining active with her church.
It should come as no great surprise that someone who loves writing enough to have written a book and founded a blog loves to talk about writing. But do you what’s even better? Talking about writing with another writer.
This week, I got to do that two times in one day. On Wednesday I recorded a podcast for The Write Approach podcast with my lawyer friend and fellow author, Jeremy Richter. (Stay tuned for that one. It should be released soon.) That evening, I also got to talk to coach, author, and former attorney Bob Levant for the Iron Advocate Mindset Virtual Book Club.
The conversation with Bob was great because, like me, he’s also a fan of mindfulness. He does yoga regularly and explores the concept in his own book, Finding Polaris. Since as Bob describes, he covers the topic in less of a “deep dive” than my book, we get into some of the finer points in this interview.
During the interview, we discuss things like loneliness, managing fear and anxiety, and break down why mindfulness and compassion can help with these things. I had such a good time talking with Bob and reading his book that I wanted to share the interview with you here.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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