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Trick or Treat: Why the Scary Concept Not-Self May Offer Lawyers Freedom

Image showing person behind masks and title of blog post "Trick or Treat: Why the Scary Concept of Not-Self May Offer Lawyers Freedom"

It’s Halloween today, so many of us may be watching scary movies or donning costumes and running door to door in pursuit of candy. What better day is there for lawyers to explore a scary concept: not-self.

If this phrase sounds awkward and weird to you, that’s because it is. It is the best attempt at an English translation from the Pali word “anatta” and the Sanskrit “anatman”, which in Buddhist philosophy refer to the idea that there is no stable, static, or lasting self.

Why Not-Self Is Both Scary and Exciting for Lawyers

Why does this concept make me afraid? The big reason is that it is hard to define. Not-self is a concept that most forms of secular Buddhism avoid. You may hear teachers mention the “ego” every now and then, but there is often little prompting for us to explore the foundations of our identity. As such, it’s not a concept that lends itself well to the blog format.

In addition, I’ll be honest that many lawyers (a large portion of my reading audience) may struggle with the idea of not-self. If I had to state the importance of identity and reputation for lawyers in a single word, I would spread my arms out wide like a little kid trying to demonstrate a really big thing and simply say “huge!”

Self and Identity Are Powerful Forces for Lawyers

As a lawyer, I feel the pull of identity and duty and values and firm and groups all the time. Sometimes it feels amazing and sometimes it feels confining and burdensome. Even with this double-edged sword, experience has shown me that seeing the tenuous binds of identity offers liberation and fear in equal measure.

My experience with it has felt (I can only imagine) like sky-diving. There is a surge of adrenaline when you see you are not stuck in the same old identity. All too soon, though, this is followed by a horrific pang wondering if the parachute will open and the new identity you hope to create will take.

Given all of this, maybe it’s best to consider the concept of not-self with fun and a sense of humor. This makes Halloween, with its costumes and candy almost poking fun at the human realities of change, decay, and death, an ideal framework to consider the concept. To that end, here are 3 reasons why exploring the concept of not-self can help you and 3 simple ways to get started.

Image with definition of term "not-self" which is an interpretation of the Pali word "anatta" from Buddhist philosophy that refers to the awareness that there is no static, stable, or lasting self

3 Ways Exploring Not-Self Can Help Lawyers

Why would you want to dig in with a weird concept that makes you question who you are and how your identity was created? To put it simply, it can help undo some suffering. Here’s how.

1. Less Judgment

One of the hallmark principles of mindfulness practice is becoming aware of judgments. When you start to do this, you will learn that judgments are at the heart of a lot of our suffering. Of course, this isn’t to say that all difficulty in life is self-inflicted. When you pay attention, though, you realize that many life difficulties emanate from our reactions to life.

If you want to get clear about judgments, you almost have to explore identity. Think about it. When you judge, who is doing the judging? There is some identity deep down that is designating an experience, a situation, a person, or a choice as “good” or “bad.” But lawyers who play devil’s advocate and consider things from all angles know that the goodness or badness of a situation, person, or experience may depend on the perspective.

The thing is that perspective can be hard to see when we are so locked into our own. This is one big lesson from exploring not-self. We can remember that our perspective is the product of our experience and all the forces that shaped us in our lives. We can also remember times when we have felt certain in our perspective and identity, only to see it pass and change with time. When we loosen the grip of identity by considering these things, we can get some freedom from our judgments.

2. Activates Agency

I’ve written about habits on the blog a lot and I expect that I will write about them a lot in the future too. As I discussed when I reviewed Atomic Habits by James Clear, identity is a huge piece of the puzzle when it comes to habit formation. Why? Because willpower is like a muscle. It gets tired and takes energy to employ.

But when we shift identity, suddenly this new habit isn’t an exercise of pure will. It’s just us being ourselves. The problem is, of course, is that the pull of identity is strong. Eerie as it can sometimes be, not-self offers a way out of this trap. It helps us remember that, just like our identities are formed by our experiences, we can shift those identities (at least to some degree) with new conduct.

This does not mean that building new habits or making change is easy. I’m not sure anything can make that easy. In my experience, though, it has made the discomfort of doing these things more bearable. Even when a new activity is truly wholesome, it can feel awkward and churn up lots of doubt and anxiety. The concept of not-self has helped to normalize this experience for me.

Though I may long for the security of my familiar sameness, I know that the security is illusory at best. This helps me be brave because it reminds me that there isn’t a haven where I can avoid feeling insecure about my identity. Faced with this choice of insecurity caused by inertia or insecurity caused by living life on my terms, it’s a lot easier to move towards what I want.

3. More Connection

What happens when you judge less? In general, you open up more. That’s one reason the concept of not-self can help you open up to connection with others.

And when I say “judge less” I mean that for yourself and others. Exploring the concept of not-self can help you notice all the ways you strive to rise to other people’s expectations and fulfill a role in society. It may help short circuit this process and go directly for what you want – most commonly love, connection, and belonging. With a clearer idea of what you care about, you may find it easier to find it.

Likewise, judging others less may open up opportunities for connection you never expected. Look, I know it is exceedingly easy to judge other people right now. Our brains want to categorize and sort humanity into in and out groups. Our social media feeds are designed to accelerate this process. Even advertising contributes to rigid identities by forever constructing brand allegiance.

It’s not kind to yourself or wise to pretend that you can simply stop judging the people around you and those who differ from you in meaningful ways. But when you explore how your identity is created and perpetuated, you start to ask those same questions for other people. At a minimum, this can make you less harsh and stark in your view. Over time, you may find barriers coming down and new possibilities for connection emerging.

A quote about mindfulness that says "Perspective can be hard to see when you are locked into your own."

3 Easy Ways Lawyers Can Explore Not-Self

This sounds good and all, you may be saying to yourself, but how on earth do I start to “explore the concept of not-self”? It’s a good question and one that is not easily answered. Plumbing the depths of identity and watching it shift and change over time is something we could do our whole lives. To keep you from getting overwhelmed with this, here are a few small and less scary ways to start.

1. Get to Know Yourself

Getting to know who you are is a good step for understanding the instability of identity. Like many concepts from Buddhism, not-self is one that is best understood from experience. Learning about who you are is a one way to get that experience.

Personality tests or psychological assessments may give you some insights into your patterns. I have taken a few of the personality tests used in business, including Meyers-Briggs, Predictive Index, and the Enneagram. Things like Strengths Finder or even Gretchen Rubin’s 4 categories may offer some insights. You can’t take these tests to reveal truth with a capital T but you can see some patterns.

If you aren’t into tests, coaching, therapy, or talks with good friends can help too. Anyone who will help you see yourself clearly and nonjudgmentally can help you get a better understanding of your identity and how it was formed.

Quote from the post which says "Not-self helps me be brave because it reminds me that there isn't a haven where I can avoid feeling insecure about my identity. Faced with this choice of insecurity caused by inertia or insecurity caused by living life on my terms, it's a lot easier to move towards what I want."

2. Consider Conditions

There is one caveat if you start looking at personality patterns: it could without balance lead to the idea that you “are who you are.” We’ve all said this line. Sometimes we say to mean we aren’t going to kill ourselves trying to live up to someone else’s standards. Sometimes we say it to defend an unpopular opinion when we aren’t interested in rational argument. Whatever the reason, it conveys the idea that are personalities are set in stone.

For times in our lives, this might be true. We may be stable for a while and feel secure. Inevitably, though, most of would admit that conditions change. As you are exploring your identity, therefore, don’t just focus on what you are like. It may help to consider the conditions, including the people, who got you there.

I find that this really helps me employ self-compassion when reviewing my past mistakes and also avoiding self-righteousness when recalling my triumphs. Sure, I struggled mightily with networking early in my law practice but my inherited introversion and anxiety didn’t do me any favors. And yes I wrote some books, but my introversion made all that alone time pleasant and I had support from family and friends.

These reckonings may also help with employing compassion and understanding for those with whom we disagree. Just like loving-kindness practice, I don’t recommend forcing this analysis with your worst enemies right away. But, you can start small by thinking of the conditions that led someone to take the action you dislike. It may not mean forgiveness, but it may allow you a chance to let go of the hurt.

A mindfulness quote that asks "What happens when you judge less? In general, you open up more."

3. Look for Stories and Scripts

But where is meditation in all of this? I wrote this whole post and have hardly talked about meditation at all. Not-self is something that you may only get glimpses of in life, so it is a hard thing to practice in meditation. It’s not impossible, however.

One way to explore this concept in meditation is keep asking “who” is there. Who is doing all of this thinking? Who is hearing that sound? Who is feeling that emotion? Of course, it is you but try to find the conscious choice behind all of those things. If you find it, I’ll be surprised because I’m still looking. There isn’t really a “who” but just awareness. That’s where not-self gets a bit spooky.

Over time, though, you can get comfortable just chilling in awareness and you can start to see things play out with more space. This is where you can see stories and scripts and patterns play out. They might be your tendency to doubt yourself or turn yourself into a victim or your savior complex. With time, you can watch in life how following these stories and scripts plays out for you. That’s when you can harness some of the agency mentioned above and think about creating a new story you actually want to live.

Exploring Not-Self Is Hard but Liberating

This is my run down on the good, the bad, and the slightly creepy about not-self. I hope it helped you see that Halloween may not be all that different from our lives everyday. We put masks on a lot and play roles all of the time. It’s not bad to do. It’s part of being human. But ultimately, part of being human is learning when to stop playing the role, take off the mask, and just be us. Exploring not-self is weird and a bit scary but it may offer you a chance at freedom too.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Five Reasons Loving-Kindness Practice Is Perfect for Hard Days

When I teach compassion, one of the things I always say is that the giver of compassion is the first person to benefit. This is true from a scientific standpoint; the act of compassion causes the release of the hormones associated with satisfaction, love, and connection. Life experience has also helped me learn the truth of this idea too.

On hard days, my favorite meditation practice is loving-kindness. This practice is one intended to help you expand your heart and send kind wishes out. It starts with yourself and your inner circle, then expands to neutral and difficult people, and even the whole world. The end result, as I have often found, is that my dark and stormy mood turns to gratitude, openness, and even hope.

Here are the five reasons why loving-kindness practice helps.

1. Loving-Kindness Meditation Feels Good.

On hard days, it makes sense to take care of ourselves. Think about some of the typical things you might do in order to care for yourself on a hard day. It might be taking a warm bath, making a nice cup of tea, wrapping yourself in a warm blanket, talking to a friend, or taking a a walk. The pattern with all of these things is that they are all comforting, soothing, warming, nourishing, and supportive.

Loving-kindness practice is too. For one thing, it starts with sending kindness to yourself and tending to your own needs. Then it moves on to connect with your loved ones and ultimately the whole of humanity. It’s not intended only as a mental exercise either. The object of the practice is to cultivate feelings of loving-kindness.

If you give yourself time and pay attention, you will find that love feels good. It feels warm, open, expansive, and soothing. Though it might be hard to transition to such a practice on a hard day, it is a perfect one for a hard day for this reason.

Image with question and answer about what loving-kindness meditation practice is, as explained in the post

2. Loving-Kindness Meditation Is a Sneaky Gratitude Practice.

We all know the studies about gratitude. It is good for your mental health. It grounds you and connects you which might be great on a hard day. The only problem is, of course, that gratitude on a hard day can be a challenge.

Have you ever experienced difficulty and had a well-meaning loved one tell you to “be grateful” or to “think of all of your blessings”? How does that go? My experience is that it usually feels like a deflection and leads to hostility. Forcing yourself to feel good when you feel bad does not work.

Loving-kindness is not about force. It’s just about well wishes. And after you send those wishes to yourself, the practice guides you to a loved one and then a mentor. Gratitude is not the intent of the practice but that is almost always what I feel. I also remember that I am not alone in facing whatever hardship is there.

I call this a “sneaky” gratitude practice because it’s not a goal of the practice. Because I let the pressure come off with loving-kindness, I find gratitude often emerges on its own.

3. Loving-Kindness Meditation Reminds You of Your Place in the World.

Have you ever noticed how your mind shifts and morphs on hard days? It can make everything seem terrible, bad, and rotten. It can make you think only bad things about yourself and others. It can also cause you to doubt yourself and believe goodness is not possible and change will never come.

Loving-kindness practice gets away from judgments and abstractions. It returns to where you are. It starts with envisioning yourself and what you do in the world and then envisioning the people in your life. In other words, before you try to send love out to the world, the practice embeds in your family and community.

What I find with this practice is that it reminds me of my place in the world. I may not be able to change the news cycle or the government or even the results in a particular case. The practice shows me, however, that I can show care to myself, my family, and even avoid doing extra harm to the people I find challenging. I see this as reminding me of my daily work and my everyday power.

Image of woman meditating with quote that says "I do loving-kindness on hard days because it often turns my dark and stormy moods into gratitude, openness, courage, and even hope."

4. Loving-Kindness Meditation Is Flexible.

One of these barriers is that many people struggle with sending loving-kindness to themselves. In addition, the later stages of practice call for you to send kind wishes out to “difficult people” and strangers. This might be a challenge on easy days and feel impossible on hard days.

The good news? The traditional practice can be modified in so many ways to account for these issues. You can start with a loved on first and omit the difficult people, as in the practice I share at the end of this post. This isn’t a destruction of the practice. It’s a recognition that we are human and have needs and limits.

In fact, even if you do a traditional loving-kindness practice with the whole list of people, the guidance typically is to not try to send kind wishes to your worst enemy first. In addition, you can even change the phrases to suit your particular needs best. The practice is intended to be flexible and individuated.

On a hard day when our thoughts are heavy, modifying loving-kindness practice is a way to meet ourselves where we are. This act of loving-kindness, you will likely find, is a condition that may help you cultivate more kindness for others over time.

Image with options for modifying loving-kindness meditation practice as discussed in the blog post

5. Loving-Kindness Meditation Helps You Offer What Is Needed.

It’s comparatively easy to mirror back the emotion we are picking up from the rest of the world. When we have a hard day, it is so natural to stay with all the hard emotions that come with it. And in life, when we are greeted with hostility and judgment it’s so simple to just mirror that emotion and send it back.

One thing about meditation that has been a huge change is the recognition that I don’t have to do this, at least not every time. Sometimes, I have found, I am able to pick up a lot of emotion from circumstances, others, or my own head, and I can choose something else. On really special occasions, I can make the choice to offer what is needed and it has made all the difference.

On a hard day, what is needed? Most of the time, it is love and kindness though of course we need to remember that love and kindness can and should include firm action. I like loving-kindness as a practice on hard days because it is practicing offering what is needed in the world. It helps me find hope, courage, and stability on days when those are in short supply.

These are the reasons I come back to loving-kindness practice on hard days. If you want to try the practice for yourself, check out the Cultivating Kindness and Sending It Out Guided Meditation. This one is crafted for hard days because it starts with your loved ones and then turns to yourself before sending kindness out. You can check it out on YouTube or on Insight Timer.

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Join Us for a Collective Meditation for Peace

The events in Jerusalem last weekend have been devastating for so many friends for a variety of reasons. This post is offered as a wish for all of the blog’s readers and friends to be happy, healthy, safe, and at ease.

I know in times of difficulty, it can be very hard to remember that goodness remains possible. Several times in my life, though, I have had the experience where friends helped me reconnect with something good even in the midst of difficult situations.

On September 11th, a woman in my dorm brought me along with a group to give blood. In 2017, after the bruising election season of 2016, my mom’s group organized a donation drive to support local homeless shelters. Even though these acts didn’t solve the problems that motivated them, they did good and they helped me remember that there is always good to do.

This week, my author friend and heroic lawyer Tahmina Watson invited me to help guide a meditation for peace on Sunday evening. Like the other events, this one features friends too. Jigna Patel, the Mindful Divorce Coach, will start the session. I will lead a loving-kindness practice, which has always been a source of strength for me on difficult days. And Amaris Vicari of The Beneficial Element will close out the session with a brief reflection.

The event is Sunday, October 15th at 7 PM PST/10 PM EST on Zoom. You can register here. Registration is required to obtain the link to join on Zoom but the event is free and open to all. I hope that you can join us but if not I plan to have a recording of the meditation on Insight Timer and in our Guided Meditations soon.

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Come Hang Out with the Mindfulness in Law Society

Over the years, my networking approach has generally not been a sophisticated one. I join things and show up and eventually someone encourages me to get more involved. There have been times when I have declined opportunities, but I have said “sure” far more often.

I’ll admit that I have sometimes found myself exasperated and been forced to scale back. In general, though, this openness has served me very well.To my great satisfaction, this pattern repeated itself again with the Mindfulness in Law Society.

How I Found the Mindfulness in Law Society

I have been a member of this group for several years, but have not been heavily involved until recently. A few years ago, a fellow lawyer reached out and asked me to lead a meditation for a young lawyers program for the American Bar Association. As it turns out, that lawyer, Christina Sava, is also involved with MILS.

She reached out again to see if I’d be interested in joining the roster of teachers for the twice weekly guided meditations that MILS offers. This was an easy “sure” but I added something more.

I checked out the local chapters for MILS and saw none in Kentucky or Ohio. Since I am already active with wellness committees for my state and local bars here, I decided to start a local chapter for MILS in the Greater Cincinnati Area.

Image showing some of the virtual meditation sits with the Mindfulness in Law Society

Why You Should Hang Out with the Mindfulness in Law Society

So, what I am I asking of you? Nothing crazy; maybe just to consider my unsophisticated networking approach of showing up. The virtual sits for MILS are held twice weekly, on Mondays at 3 PM EST and Wednesdays at 5 PM. They are open to anyone in the legal profession (which is defined broadly and includes students and paralegals).

In addition, people from across and outside of the United States participate in the virtual sits. I have stressed the value of meditation in a group before and I will say it again: it helps.

Virtual groups are not nearly the same as in-person groups but they are far better than no group at all. I will be guiding on the 2nd Monday at 3 PM EST and the 3rd Wednesday at 5 PM EST, so come and hang out.

A Mindfulness Group for Lawyers

And, if you are in the Cincinnati area, interested in mindfulness, and in the legal profession, please reach out via email or on LinkedIn if you would like to help form and launch the chapter. You don’t have to be a meditation teacher or even an experienced meditator. Someone who cares about mental health in the legal profession is all we need.

I know we are all too busy. I also know that it’s hard to show up with a group of people you don’t know. To find a meditation community, though, that’s often the only choice. As hard as it can be to work up the courage, it’s not a bad thing.

Meeting new people and joining new groups is a great way to network, build community, and learn mindfulness. Now, it seems I am the person encouraging you to get more involved. All you have to do is say “sure.”

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Why Is Attorney Mental Health So Important? Interview on the Is that Even Legal Podcast

I haven’t been asked too many times why I care so much about attorney mental health. Most people, I assume, see this as a pretty obvious thing. After all, I’m an attorney and I’ve personally experienced mental health challenges in myself and for those very close to me. So, perhaps, it goes without saying that attorney mental health is really important to me.

But there’s something deeper here and I got to talk about it on a recent podcast appearance I did for the hilariously named Is That Even Legal Podcast. On the show, fellow attorney Robert Sewell, asked why attorney mental health mattered so much and why mental health was such a struggle for lawyers in particular.

Of course, attorney mental health matters so much because lawyers affect the lives of so many people. Lawyers in big companies or large firms may touch thousands of lives with their cases. And even lawyers in the smallest of firms or companies have a major impact on their clients. In many cases, community and government leaders are lawyers. This is why I am passionate about attorney mental health: because it affects me, my family, my community, and the world.

I liked that Robert asked me these fundamental questions because they matter so much. But as a true lawyer, I have to admit that my favorite part of the interview was that Robert didn’t just accept it when I told him that mindfulness and compassion can help with lawyer mental health. Instead, he played devil’s advocate and pushed me to explain how.

For anyone who has read this blog or my books, you know that’s my jam. While I admitted that mindfulness won’t work in isolation and without solid workplace and legal policies and supports and social change, I argued that mindfulness and compassion offer the stability and the courage to make needed personal and organizational change.

If you care about attorney mental health or want to understand how mindfulness can really work, check out the interview here.

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A Candid Convo about Compassion for Lawyers

Bulldog lawyer. I hear this term all of the time. Clients say that they want a bulldog lawyer. Sometimes I even hear other lawyers request referrals to bulldog lawyers for friends or other contacts. As a mindfulness teacher, I try to remember nonjudgment and that sometimes people use a term without thinking much about all of its implications.

But I do not use the term bulldog lawyer and I would never refer a case to another lawyer that I primarily thought of as a bulldog. Why? A few reasons. One is that my experience with lawyers who try to craft an image of aggression has not been a positive one. Not only do they create needless fights, I generally haven’t found to be effective.

The best lawyers, in my experience, are the ones that fight hard when its appropriate but are otherwise focused on solving problems. This is what I talked about recently with host, Joe Bravo, on the show Candid Conversations with Get Staffed Up.

Joe had attended a recent presentation I did on confidence for the 2023 Legal Up Virtual Conference. Joe practices yoga and he was intrigued by my discussion of compassion, in particular self-compassion, in relation to confidence so he invited me on the show. Though polite, Joe was not shy about resolving the apparent cognitive dissonance between being an effective lawyer and compassion.

But I didn’t shy away from this in my response either because I know that mindfulness and compassion don’t get in the way of being an effectively aggressive lawyer at all. To the contrary, as I explain in the interview and in more detail in my book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, compassion is foundational to this.

To break this down as simply as I can, I offer this logical syllogism.

When you see it this way, it’s clear that compassion and mindfulness don’t make lawyers that are too chill to care about their clients and act with force and power. Instead, the opposite is true. Mindfulness can help lawyers see things clearly and manage the cold hard facts as they are. Compassion is the capacity to be present with difficult problems and remain willing to help. This is what good lawyers (or as I would describe “badass lawyers”) should be able to do for their clients.

If you want to check out the full interview, you can find it shared on our YouTube channel or watch it here:

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Author and Zen Teacher Ruth Ozeki Helps Readers Explore What We’d Rather Ignore

There is a slightly evil thing that happens when you start writing. You love reading other people’s writing. You want to be generous in your judgment because you know how maddening the craft can be. But inevitably you find yourself evaluating the work both as a reader and a writer. In some cases, this can ruin the pure appreciation of the work.

When I found Ruth Ozeki’s novels, however, I was delighted to enjoy the inverse of this situation. I loved her books as a reader and, as a writer and teacher of mindfulness, I felt nothing short of awe. Ruth Ozeki is a Zen teacher, author and filmmaker from California. Her novels tell tales of tragedy engendered by modern life and the unexpected beauty and hope that can be found therein. The key, as Ozeki shows us, is that we have to look closely and lovingly in the places we’d rather ignore.

That’s exactly what Ozeki’s novels do. She covers the isolation and alienation of contemporary life, including our throwaway and commercialist culture that leads to massive garbage patches in our oceans and hoarding in our homes. Her novels explore inhumanity in our meat industry, media outlets, modern workplaces, and even among well-intentioned educators, social workers, and medical and mental health professionals.

In doing so, Ozeki doesn’t teach the concept of what suffering means. She helps us feel it. Through her characters, we experience how suffering takes root, how we get embroiled in it, and how we overlook the habits that perpetuate suffering for ourselves and others. As any Zen teacher would, of course, she also shows us that there is a way out of this trap if we are willing to open up our eyes and see it.

For example, while reading Ozeki’s latest award-winning novel, The Book of Form and Emptiness I wanted to walk into the book and save the wayward Annabelle who couldn’t cope with all that life had sent her. She would frustrate and dismay me in one chapter with her refusal to face life and be the parent her son needed. Then in the next, she’d be positively brilliant in advocating for herself and her son and show that she didn’t need saving, but simple social support.

In our lives and in the world, we often look for the simple and quick answers and so the big, nasty problems may feel too overwhelming to address. One wouldn’t think that novels, a form of entertainment, could tackle the big problems of the world and still be enjoyable. Ozeki’s novels show that this assumption is wrong.

If you want to learn about mindfulness in a totally new way or you just want some novels that are as wonderfully strange as real life, check out Ruth Ozeki’s work, including:

A Tale for the Time Being;

My Year of Meats; and

The Book of Form and Emptiness.

These books may force you to look at the parts of life you’d rather ignore, but they will help you find beauty, joy, and hope that you’d never expect.

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3 Ways Mindfulness Can Help Lawyers Prepare a Witness Who Is Afraid to Testify

Founder’s Note: There are a wide variety of reasons that witnesses may be afraid to testify. This blog post is about situations in which testifying will not put a witness in physical or significant or long-term emotional peril. Situations like those may require additional steps and even judicial intervention to manage appropriately. This post is not intended to suggest that all potential witnesses can or should be pushed to testify.

I was recently asked to do a brief presentation about trial preparation essentials. One of the first things to come to mind was the problem of the nervous witness. I have encountered this problem frequently in litigation, even when the facts of the case are not emotionally intense. The reality is that testifying in court or even a deposition can be nerve-wracking and create a lot of emotion. The good news is that mindfulness and compassion can help. Here are my 3 tips for using those strategies to help calm a nervous witness.

1. Watch Your Judgment

Let’s say you go to meet with an essential witness in a big case and they are visibly nervous. They may express concern about what they have done and show emotions like guilt, shame, or even defeat. Or perhaps they are just terrified about speaking in front of others. How do you react? Most likely, you may feel nervous too and worry about how this will affect your case and your ability to do your job. This is where you have to be really careful.

If there is anything that doesn’t help in a situation like this, it’s judgment. Sure, judgment is perhaps the most normal reaction in a situation like this. Even the best lawyers might react with a sigh and a “Really?” when they are dealing with stressful trial preparations and encounter a witness who is making their lives harder. But please resist the urge.

Judgment in this case may cause the witness to feel more shame and this could cause lead withdraw from the process, clam up, or even become hostile. As you work with the witness, remain calm and attempt as much as possible to show compassion for their situation. If you can do this, you can create open dialogue, potentially calm the witness down, and form the best plan for dealing with the testimony and the nerves.

2. Establish Trust

When people are scared, what do they often do first? They often look around to someone else for direction. If you have a witness who is scared and you have to call them to testify, you surely do not want them to look to opposing counsel for direction on cross-examination. This is why it is essential in prep to establish trust with the witness yourself.

Keeping in mind the warning against judgment just mentioned, be clear and honest with the witness about the process. Help them envision how the testimony and cross-examination will go, so they can process it before they take the stand. Help them understand their role in the case: just to testify accurately. Take responsibility for your part, which is the overall management of the case.

In short, use your skills of organization and empathy to create comfort and trust in the witness by answering questions and helping them process the experience.

3. Help the Witness Identify Their Own Purpose

Once the witness takes the stand, it’s all on them. There’s no way around this and that’s perhaps why testifying for many people is so scary. In most situations, objections won’t be an effective way for you as legal counsel to protect a witness. Thus, at a certain point the witness has to protect themself. They have to listen attentively, not allow someone else to put words in their mouth, and articulate their view of the facts.

This takes courage. What helps most people find courage in difficult circumstances? A purpose. In this way, as you go through steps 1 and 2, listen as much as you talk to understand what matters to the witness. If the witness is scared, there likely is something they care about that causes the fear.

If you can help the witness understand how their testimony relates to an important purpose, for the case or ideally for them, it may help them find stability in testifying. Be careful, however, in crafting this purpose that you don’t emphasize it so much that you put extra pressure on the witness. As in all things, balance is essential.

At the end of the day, nothing can make the task of testifying in a litigation matter easy. Being put on the spot to answer questions, including those that can be personal or feel invasive, is hard. With some awareness, thought, and compassion, however, attorneys can help witnesses care for those nerves and reclaim their agency which may help their cases in the process.

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What Does Compassion Feel Like?

As a teacher of mindfulness and compassion, I have learned that a big part of the job is addressing assumptions. When it comes to compassion, this is even more critical since it tends to get less attention than mindfulness. In addition, though compassion is essential and can be incredibly powerful, many people assume it’s just like empathy or no different from being warm, soft, and nice. Even those who have felt the power of a compassionate response may think it’s impossible to cultivate it or show it when needed because we can’t train ourselves to feel a certain way on cue.

I get these concerns because I struggled with them in the past. That’s why I am writing this post to help you identify the things to look for when you practice compassion in your own life. In truth, compassion is not an emotion and does not require a specific bodily response. With time and experience, however, you can identify the experience more clearly so you can understand it better and cultivate it.

A common area of confusion when it comes to compassion is the idea that it is an emotional reaction. The reason that this presents a problem is that people often assume that compassion requires them to respond with certain emotions. In reality, the clinical definition of compassion is the response to suffering coupled with the willingness to help. This means that emotions that are often involved but they don’t have to manifest in any specific way.

In fact a common sign of compassion is not emotional volatility at all, but rather calm and stability. Since compassion is the response to suffering, this calm is something that can aid in producing a response that can help the suffering individual. After all, if we are to help a person in need (including ourselves) it helps to really understand what’s going on, doesn’t it? Thus, what might seem like a lack of emotional response can be a beneficial and profoundly compassionate reaction to suffering.

Even when physical sensations and emotions are present, you may also find that they don’t stay the same throughout the compassion response. Since compassion is about suffering, the first reaction may be one of pain, discomfort, or concern. In many cases, though, these difficult emotions can shift or transform into something closer to love or connection. This means a variety of bodily sensations are likely to occur, including sensations in the belly and chest and changes to breath and heart rate.

At the end of a compassion response, many people report (and I have personally experienced) feelings of wellbeing and serenity. This is because the compassion response causes the release of the hormones oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin which are associated with love, rewards, and satisfaction. The most common place to look for these sensations is in the area of the heart, but those can range from feelings of fullness to a sense of expansion or lightness or even warmth or tingling throughout the body.

So, what does all of this tell us about what compassion feels like? First, compassion includes present and embodied awareness. Critically, this is an awareness rooted in your own experience that is not entirely absorbed by the situation of a suffering third party. In addition, the compassion response may not be a singular response at all but could by a dynamic unfolding from discomfort and concern into opening and, where necessary and appropriate, action.

For all these reasons, I can’t tell you what compassion feels like because compassion is not merely a feeling and the details of its manifestation may vary. Because compassion is a response to suffering, the particular suffering at issue may affect how it appears. The way to understand compassion best is to pay attention to how it manifests in you as you cultivate it. In short, the big question isn’t how compassion is supposed to feel, but instead how it tends to feel for you.

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Valentine’s Goodreads Book Giveaway

It is perhaps the most commercialized and made up of all that holidays, but I have a special place in my heart for Valentine’s Day nonetheless. As a February baby, I always loved taking in pink cupcakes to share as my birthday treat for the class.

In addition, February in my home state of Kentucky tends to be a tough month to survive. By the time February rolls around, the mystique and motivation of the new year has worn off and the cold grey weather can pull even the sunniest of dispositions into the doldrums. For this reason, any excuse to spread kindness and cheer is a good idea.

This year, though, Valentine’s is extra special to me and so is my birthday. This February, I’ll be turning 40. Some people might be sad about that but I’m not. One reason is that I get to celebrate this birthday knowing I accomplished a big life goal.

Early in 2022, I set a goal to write and publish my first book before my 40th birthday. I did that when I published How to Be a Badass Lawyer: The Unexpected and Simple Guide to Less Stress and Greater Personal Development Through Mindfulness and Compassion last November.

Thanks to many friends from the internet, the book debuted as a #1 New Release on Amazon and has seen a great reception. As a new author, I am so grateful for the support and I want to celebrate it with my community. To do that, starting today I will be giving away 100 Kindle copies of my book on Goodreads. You can enter the drawing any time between now and February 14th. If you win, the Kindle will be automatically added to your Kindle library after Valentine’s Day.

Remember, the book is tailored to lawyers but it not only for lawyers. As one reviewer put it, “This is a great book for all professions and for everyone to use in their daily lives.” Whether you are a lawyer or not, feel free to enter and share the giveaway with anyone in your circle.

The timing of this giveaway is perfect because loving-kindness, one of the practices I teach in the book, is very much like the practice of sending out valentines to loved ones. Instead of cards this year, I get to send out books. That’s the best birthday gift ever.

Have you read the book yet? If so, please consider doing a rating or review on Amazon or Goodreads.

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