Tag Archives: compassion

The Connection Between Mindfulness and Personal Boundaries

Blog post of women talking with title of blog post "The Connection Between Mindfulness and Personal Boundaries"

“Can you talk about setting boundaries?” I got this question during a presentation about mindfulness and compassion for a law firm last week. Though I did my best to answer it, this topic is one that took more time than I had during a webinar. As a result, the question stayed with me long after the presentation ended.

Boundaries are tough for many of us. They are especially challenging for lawyers and others in service professions. My answer when the question was presented to me was that mindfulness and compassion can definitely help with this. In this article, though, I will explain in more detail precisely how.

The Ways that Mindfulness Helps with Boundaries

Boundary setting sounds like a single-step process but it truly has multiple aspects. This means that our ability to set boundaries may require us to execute more than one task successfully. The other problem with boundaries is that they are by definition individualized. We can’t simply copy other people. Instead, we must learn through life experience what our needs are and how to ensure that they are met.

This is why mindfulness and compassion can help us set boundaries in the following ways:

  1. Supporting us in identifying personal needs;
  2. Helping us to explore the concept of interconnection;
  3. Cultivating clarity about what kindness and compassion truly are; and
  4. Building skill with being uncomfortable.

I’ll explain each one below in more detail.

1. Mindfulness and Identifying Needs

One of the reasons that boundaries can be hard to set is that we may be in the habit of overlooking our own needs. This is not a criticism but an observation of life. Lots of us are busy. Lawyers, caregivers, and others in service industries may be accustomed to focusing on the needs of others. For these reasons, it is quite easy to just not notice what you need.

Mindfulness practices can be transformational for this basic reason. The practices force you, at least for a few minutes, to check in with yourself. Inherently, meditation or other practices like yoga include noticing what’s in your mind, heart, and body. This clarity about your thoughts, feelings, and emotions is a foundational step to help you identify needs so that you can set boundaries.

2. Mindfulness of Interconnection

We live in a highly individualistic culture, so many people can get the idea that setting boundaries is about focusing only on themselves. I think this is a mistake for a practical reason. Despite the constant encouragement to think about ourselves, humans are social animals. We live in and depend on community to live happy and productive lives.

Mindfulness practices can help us get clarity about our rightful role in the world. As we pay attention to our own minds, bodies, and hearts, it is nearly impossible to avoid the social situations in which our feelings, thoughts, and emotions arise. Over time, this helps us see how connected we are to others.

When we pay attention to this interconnectedness, we build wisdom about the importance of honoring all human needs, including our own. Paying closer attention to these connections may also help us better understand what our essential needs truly are. Over time, this may help us develop more balance in navigating our own boundaries in relationship to others.

Image listing the four ways that mindfulness and compassion can help with setting personal boundaries that are shared in the blog post

3. True Compassion Respects Boundaries

Some people struggle with setting personal boundaries because they may think it seems selfish. Others may have the idea that kindness and self-sacrifice are synonymous. Regular mindfulness and compassion practice help us see that neither are really true.

As I have shared before, a regular mindfulness practice should include the four heart practices, including kindness and compassion. If you do these practices regularly, you will build clarity about what kindness and compassion truly are. Kindness isn’t meekness or consistently denying oneself. Compassion is not merely sacrificing oneself for others.

Instead, both of these traits and responses are premised on the idea that all people, including yourself, deserve to be healthy, safe, happy, and at peace. If you practice long enough, you will likely see that kindness and compassion flow much more easily and robustly when your own needs are met. In this way, practicing mindfulness may help you internalize the idea that compassion and kindness for others are compatible with and supported by setting personal boundaries.

4. Setting Boundaries Can Be Uncomfortable but Mindfulness Helps with That

Another practical thing that keeps many of us from setting good boundaries: it’s uncomfortable. Most of us, especially lawyers and others in service professions, don’t like to tell other people no. It can cause conflict. We may worry it will cause others to judge us. At a minimum, it can make us feel awkward and unsure.

This good news is that mindfulness practice can help with that. The bad news is that mindfulness helps because it often includes being uncomfortable. Most of us don’t want to sit quietly and watch our thoughts. Most of us don’t want to avoid moving when we have an itch on our arm. We don’t want to persist when our backs hurt or we are falling asleep or our minds won’t shut up.

When we can persist with these challenges, though, it builds patience, courage, and the skill of being with discomfort. Though I emphasize gradualism and self-kindness at all stages of meditation, I am the first to say that these skills are invaluable. If you can sit in meditation for a few minutes with a difficult thought or uncomfortable sensation, this means you can face the same things when they arise in a conversation about boundaries.

Conclusion: Mindfulness Builds the Skills We Need to Set Boundaries Effectively

In short, mindfulness and compassion practices help with setting boundaries because they cultivate some of the fundamental skills necessary for doing so. These include, identifying personal needs, clarity about kindness and our role in community, and the ability to handle discomfort. Of course, setting boundaries is something that we cannot do with meditation alone. With time, though, mindfulness practice can help us bring these traits into our lives so that we can set personal boundaries more effectively.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Mindfulness for Job Seekers: Transforming Adversity into Opportunity

Cover image for blog post with picture of people waiting for job interview with title "Mindfulness for Job Seekers: Transforming Adversity Into Opportunity"

Most of us know that looking for a job can be a hard thing to do. If you haven’t looked for work in recent history, you probably know some job seekers who have. Many people, including a lot of lawyers, are actively looking for work or trying to transition to a new role.

When I was asked to talk about mindfulness to a local group that supports job seekers, I quickly said yes. Though I had not experienced joblessness in my career, my friends and relatives have. I also knew from personal experience that mindfulness and compassion are essential for facing adversity in life.

In this post, I will share details about and access to my talk.

A Great Resource for Job Seekers

I offered my talk to the Northern Kentucky Accountability Group, created by the Kenton County Public Library. This group does far more than offer job listings and business books to its members. It is a support group for anyone looking for jobs or interested in moving into a new professional role.

The group offers support and community, skills classes, and access to volunteer speakers and coaches. People local to Northern Kentucky and Cincinnati attend events in-person at the library. Many people outside of the Cincinnati metro area access the programs online and via Zoom.

I share this information here so that everyone can learn more about the program. Please review their offerings and share with any job seekers who need support.

Image of woman facing stressful situation with laptop and quote that says "Mindfulness and compassion practices helped me learn how to cope when life did not go well."

Highlights from the Presentation to Job Seekers

In my talk, I spoke about my experience handling personal setbacks that led to professional growth. My talk was entitled Navigating Life’s Trials: A Story of Mindful Transformation and Community Impact. In it, I shared my story with postpartum depression and how it led me to explore mindfulness.

As I have shared here before, this in turn helped me take important steps forward in life. Mindfulness helped me learn how to network. It taught me about leadership. It also helped me develop the courage to start writing and find my voice as a mental health advocate.

Why Mindfulness and Compassion Can Help

Besides sharing my story, the talk also included some teachings about mindfulness and compassion. Specifically, it explained how these human faculties help us navigate hard times in life. This is essential for job seekers and anyone dealing with life’s challenges.

The talk explains in simple terms what mindfulness and compassion are. It also explains why meditation helps to remove barriers to those capacities. Then it explains a few of the simple meditation practices that can support the cultivation of mindfulness and compassion.

The active engagement from the audience further enhanced the talk. They asked great questions and shared their own experiences and challenges.

How to Watch the Presentation

Another great thing about the Northern Kentucky Accountability Group is its online library of talks from past speakers. The library has recordings from many of its speakers dating back to 2022. All of the talks are tailored to active job seekers and others looking to build professional skills. You can browse through each year of the library to find a variety of excellent talks.

My talk, Navigating Life’s Trials, is listed under April, 2025. You will find a link and a password to view the recording. The session is about an hour in length. Don’t sleep on the Q&A session at the end. The questions were good and I mention extra resources too.

Image of women showing herself love with quote that says "When done right, mindfulness practice also supports the cultivation of kindness."

More Resources for Job Seekers

When asked about confidence and imposter syndrome, I mentioned these resources from the blog:

All of these resources offer valuable insights for those handling change in life and work.

Community and Mindfulness Can Support Job Seekers

If you are searching for a job, communities like the one I discuss here can be a great support. As I shared in my talk, building critical skills like mindfulness and compassion can also help too. I wish all of the job seekers out there the best. I also hope that the resources and ideas shared here will support you in your job search.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Understanding Meditation: A Book Review of Ten Percent Happier

Cover image for the blog post with the title "Understanding Meditation: A Book Review of Ten Percent Happier by Dan Harris"

When I was very new to meditation, Ten Percent Happier by Dan Harris had just been released. (paid link) Since I had already started meditating, I didn’t need more convincing that the practice worked. At that time, I knew nobody else who meditated, so it was validating to see someone who then worked for ABC News talk about the topic so publicly.

This month, I had occasion to revisit Ten Percent Happier to lead a virtual book club for the Ohio State Bar Association. It was interesting to see that the book still held up, even though some of my reactions to it had changed over the years. In this review, I will share what the book offers to both new and experienced meditators.

A Super Brief Summary of Ten Percent Happier

So how did someone who used to be a journalist and anchor for ABC News get into mindfulness and meditation? That is exactly what Ten Percent Happier explains. Harris begins his short and accessible book by sharing his story of mental health challenges, including a panic attack on live television and drug use. As the book explains, though, it took Harris a while before he realized meditation could help with these things.

He was assigned by ABC to cover the religion and spirituality beat. This led him to meet various gurus with whom he was unimpressed. Eventually, though, he encountered meditation and that’s when things changed. The last half of the book shares Harris’s story of trying meditation, making it a part of his life, and how it radically changed his life for the better.

Why Those New to Meditation May Like Ten Percent Happier

It’s pretty obvious why people new to meditation may like Ten Percent Happier. It offers a lot of validation for people new to the practice who may, like me when I first started, not have a community to support them. Harris writes the book from the perspective of a skeptical but curious explorer.

Very much like a news documentary, it tells the story of mindfulness by identifying and explaining key concepts for the audience. It also shows what the experience of meditation, in retreat or in daily practice, is like. In this way, Ten Percent Happier can help those new to meditation vicariously experience the practice over time and envision where continued practice might lead.

Why People Experienced in Meditation May Enjoy the Book

Though Ten Percent Happier is targeted at those new to meditation, experienced mindfulness practitioners may enjoy it too. Personally, I liked revisiting the book after more than a decade because it was a nice way to reflect on my own practice.

Harris’s skepticism in the early days of practice reminded me of my own uncertainty when I first start sitting. (I hadn’t started meditating because I thought it would work; I had started because nothing else had and I was desperate to try anything.) His struggles early in practice very much reminded me of my own and helped me see how far I had come.

This was useful because, as I have written before, meditation is something that doesn’t get easy. You don’t always see benefits in practice, but instead are more likely to see them in life. Reading Ten Percent Happier again helped me reflect on those early days again and see that, in fact, an evolution had occurred.

Why Lawyers and Professionals May Enjoy Ten Percent Happier

Regardless of practice experience with meditation, lawyers and professionals may like Ten Percent Happier because it discusses professional life in-depth. The book begins with Harris striving mightily to climb the ranks at ABC News and make a name for himself, a situation with which most lawyers and professionals can easily identify.

When Harris starts meditating, though, he has to convince himself that being happier and kinder won’t hurt his career. I didn’t feel quite this level of pressure when I started meditating, perhaps because as a woman I was subject to different expectations. Even so, I recall hiding my meditation practice for years until the results for me were too profound not to share.

Lawyers and professionals will see a lot in Harris’s story to which they can relate. Finding balance and time for healthy habits is a struggle that all of us have experienced. Because the book shares Harris’s own story navigating these issues, lawyers and professionals may find ideas, inspiration, and motivation as they read.

Image with book review of Ten Percent Happier by Dan Harris, a book about meditation and mindfulness, with a quote from the blog post

Ten Percent Happier Does Not Include Meditation Instruction

Though the book contains explanation and illustration of some key concepts, it is not a meditation practice guidebook. Harris was not a trained teacher when he wrote Ten Percent Happier and does not present himself that way in the book.

In this way, the book does not offer instruction for practice or true teachings of Buddhist thought. It also does not offer ethical guidance for living a good life, though some of these principles are conveyed through Harris’s own story.

If you are looking for this kind of instruction, you will not find it in Ten Percent Happier. The good news, though, is that Harris has another book, Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics, which offers more in terms of technical instruction. (paid link) He also has a repository of teachings and insights from world-class guests on the Ten Percent Happier podcast.

Where Some People May Struggle with Ten Percent Happier

There are many good things about Ten Percent Happier, but some people might struggle in a few areas. First, if you are a follower of certain spiritual gurus, including Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, or Tara Brach, the book may annoy you. Ever the skeptic, Harris did not hold back in his expression of doubt with respect to Chopra and Tolle.

Though he was more complimentary of Brach, his commentary on her demeanor and teaching style was hard to ignore. As I have written before, I thought Harris’s treatment of Brach was unfair, though he has since apologized. Regardless, the point here is that Ten Percent Happier will challenge you if you consider yourself the follower of a guru.

Similarly, the book may challenge you if you consider yourself a religious or spiritual person. Harris’s subsequent work suggests that his feelings on this have drastically changed. Regardless, Ten Percent Happier is written from the perspective of a skeptic.

In this way, it gives short shrift to anything spiritual or woo-woo even as it attempts to delve into ideas that emanated from Buddhism. Anyone who has a strong religious or spiritual practice may question whether Harris takes his skepticism too far, though I believe his feelings on these ideas have softened in his subsequent works.

The Bottom Line: Ten Percent Happier Is a Good Read

Ten Percent Happier by Dan Harris is a good read for those new to meditation and those with years of experience meditating. It offers unique insights about meditation and the benefits of mindfulness. It also illustrates for lawyers and professionals the challenges and benefits of incorporating mindfulness into professional life. Though Ten Percent Happier may present challenges for some, it is a good and very easy read. As I experienced, it is even good enough to revisit a second time after many years.

The links to the books mentioned in this review are affiliate links. The review is unsponsored and sincere but the links to Amazon are paid.

4 Heart Practices that Lawyers Should Know

Cover image with picture of four hearts and title that says "4 Heart Practices That Lawyers Should Know"

It’s Valentine’s Day this week, so it is only natural for my mind to be thinking about hearts. In this case, I am thinking about the heart practices or Brahma Viharas. I talk about loving-kindness practice here a lot because it is a wonderful practice for cultivating kindness and reducing judgment.

What are the Four Heart Practices?

In traditional Buddhism, though, loving-kindness is just 1 of the 4 heart practices that support good conduct and overall well-being. Each practice is unique but they all reinforce each other too. Lawyers or anyone who regularly deals with stress or conflict can gain a lot from working with them together.

Keep reading to learn more about the heart practices:

  • (1) loving-kindness;
  • (2) sympathetic joy;
  • (3) compassion; and
  • (4) equanimity.
Image showing four heart practices discussed in the post which are beneficial to lawyers: loving-kindness, sympathetic joy, compassion, and equanimity

1. Loving-Kindness

Loving-kindness or metta as it is traditionally called is done to generate friendliness and a good nature towards oneself and others. And when I say “others” here, I mean it as broadly as possible. As I have explained before, loving-kindness practice is done by bringing individuals and then groups to mind and sending them wishes of well-being.

Language here is flexible but the traditional phrases are:

  • May you be happy;
  • May you be healthy;
  • May you be safe;
  • May you be at peace.

Traditionally, this practice starts with oneself and expands outward to extend kindness to literally all beings.

There are many applications for this practice but the most common reason for doing the practice is to cultivate kindness for everyone, including you. With time, the practice serves as an antidote to judgment and anger, a foundation for greater mindfulness, and a gateway to the other heart practices.

Image explaining loving-kindness, one of the heart practices discussed in the post which is beneficial to lawyers

2. Sympathetic Joy

Sympathetic joy or “mudita” does not tend to get as much attention in my experience, but it is increasingly important these days. Anyone suffering from social comparison, jealousy, or in a competitive field can benefit from this practice. Yes, this of course means lawyers and most working professionals. That is because mudita is about cultivating joy in response to the well-being of others.

Mudita is commonly practiced with the same structure as loving-kindness but the phrases may be slightly different. Common sympathetic joy meditation phrases include:

  • May you be happy;
  • May your happiness continue;
  • May you appreciate your joy; and
  • I am happy for you.

As I discussed when I shared the interview of Tom Bussen, author of Enlightened Self-Interest, this practice can reduce jealousy, greed, and the impacts of living in a hyper-competitive culture.

Image explaining sympathetic joy, one of the heart practices discussed in the post which is beneficial to lawyers

3. Compassion

Compassion, or “karuna” as it is called in Sanskrit, is another essential heart practice. Unlike loving-kindness and sympathetic joy, compassion is about cultivating kindness in the fact of difficulty. As I have explained before, compassion isn’t truly an emotion but is instead a response to suffering.

Compassion is also distinct from empathy. It goes beyond merely feeling someone’s suffering, though common feeling is often part of the experience. Instead, compassion arises when we are aware of suffering and wish or act to do something to alleviate it.

I find that compassion is often specific to circumstances so I offer a variety of phrases that might work to practice compassion in meditation:

  • May you be free of suffering 
  • May you be safe and well in the midst of all this 
  • May you live with ease and with kindness in the midst of this 
  • May you be at ease with the changing conditions of my life 
  • May you open to this pain with gentleness and compassion 
  • May all who experience this particular suffering be held in kindness 
  • May the suffering of this world be met with compassion 
  • I care about you. 
  • Your suffering matters to me 
  • I see your suffering; it is hard.

It would likely become unwieldy to try to use all of these phrases, so it may be better to select 3 or 4 and work with those. Over time, you can change or substitute in phrasing to suit your needs. In addition, practicing compassion in sitting meditation is only the start. With time, this practice may support more compassionate conduct in life.

Image explaining compassion, one of the heart practices discussed in the post which is beneficial to lawyers

4. Equanimity

Equanimity, or “upekkha”, is a trait that can be and often is cultivated with ordinary mindfulness practices. Put simply, it is non-reactive stability in the face of change, difficulty, and uncertainty. Learning to sit and be with experience when you do a practice like breath focus or body scan can help you cultivate a foundation of equanimity that supports overall mindfulness and well-being.

Equanimity is also important from a heart perspective, though, because it is essential for balancing kindness, joy, and compassion. Recall that kindness does not mean just being “nice” and compassion does not mean sacrificing oneself in all cases. Equanimity supports healthy boundaries and clarity about our role in a given situation or relationship.

Like compassion above, equanimity might be affected by context. Here are a selection of phrases that you could use to cultivate equanimity in meditation:

  • All beings are responsible for the suffering or happiness created by their own actions;
  • May you find peace exactly where you are;
  • No matter how I might wish things to be otherwise, things are as they are;
  • I care for you, but I cannot control your happiness and unhappiness;
  • May we all accept things as they are;
  • I wish you happiness but cannot make your choices for you; and
  • I can allow what is here and offer what is needed.
Image explaining equanimity, one of the heart practices discussed in the post which is beneficial to lawyers

Conclusion

When done on their own, each of the individual practices has much to offer lawyers and other professionals. Over time, though, exploring all of the practices together can strengthen and stabilize the heart, body, and mind. Relationships are an essential part of living a good life and the four heart practices, loving-kindness, sympathetic joy, compassion, and equanimity, can support us as individuals in relation to other people. As you think about hearts this Valentine’s Day, think about the four heart practices too.

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Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

Mindful Advocacy: Interview with Medical Malpractice Attorney Kathryn Conway

Cover image for blog post entitled: Mindful Advocacy: Interview with Medical Malpractice Attorney Kathryn Conway.

Though I have had a few experiences as a lawyer on the side of the plaintiff, most of my legal career has been on the defense. Lawyers of all kinds may share certain stresses, regardless of practice area. But the demands of working as a lawyer for injured people seeking compensation can be uniquely intense. In this interview, Kathryn (“Kate”) Conway, Partner at Power Rogers and an experienced medical malpractice attorney in Chicago shares her personal experiences and insights on how mindfulness and compassion have helped her navigate the emotional complexities of high-stakes cases.

Question: Can you share a little about the emotional challenges lawyers face, particularly in cases like personal injury or medical malpractice?

Kate: Absolutely. Advocacy, especially in emotionally charged cases, can be incredibly demanding. I often work with families who’ve experienced catastrophic injuries or loss due to medical errors. Their pain and grief are palpable, and as lawyers, we feel a deep responsibility to do right by them. Early in my career, I struggled with drawing the line between caring deeply for my clients and maintaining the clarity needed to handle their cases effectively. Over time, I realized that mindfulness could help me strike that balance.

Question: How has mindfulness played a role in your work as a lawyer?

Kate: Mindfulness has been transformative. It allows me to stay present for my clients while ensuring I don’t become emotionally overwhelmed. For instance, I once handled a particularly tough case where a young family lost a loved one due to a preventable medical error. Their grief was overwhelming, and it was challenging to compartmentalize my emotions during trial preparation. I turned to mindfulness techniques, like grounding exercises and pausing to breathe, which helped me stay emotionally available for them while making sound, strategic decisions.

Image with quote that says: Mindfulness benefits both lawyers and their clients.

Question: What are some mindfulness techniques that have worked well for you?

Kate: There are three techniques I use regularly:

  1. The Power of the Pause
    Taking a brief pause during emotionally charged moments can make a big difference. Whether it’s a few seconds of deep breathing or simply stepping back to reflect, pausing helps me respond intentionally instead of reacting impulsively. For example, during contentious negotiations, I’ll take a moment to collect myself before responding. This helps me stay calm and focus on achieving the best outcome for my clients.
  2. Setting Boundaries
    It’s essential to set emotional boundaries. As lawyers, we care deeply about our clients, but their struggles aren’t ours to carry. After a particularly heavy client meeting, I’ll go for a walk or spend a few minutes journaling. This helps me process what I’ve absorbed and reaffirm my role as their advocate, not their emotional caretaker.
  3. Compassion Without Attachment
    Active listening is key. I strive to be fully present when clients express their emotions, validating their feelings without becoming entangled in them. Afterward, I often reset with a short breathing exercise or a guided meditation.

Question: Do you have any resources you’d recommend for lawyers or professionals exploring mindfulness

Kate: Absolutely! Two books I found particularly helpful are The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thích Nhất Hanh and Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn. For more accessible content, I recommend the Headspace YouTube channel and The Mindful Lawyer podcast. These resources offer practical ways to incorporate mindfulness into daily life.

Question: How do you see mindfulness benefiting lawyers in their professional lives?

Kate: Mindfulness benefits both lawyers and their clients. For us, it helps reduce burnout and improves decision-making by keeping our minds clear and focused. For clients, it fosters trust and empathy in the lawyer-client relationship. At my law firm, where we handle high-stakes medical malpractice cases, maintaining clarity and emotional regulation is crucial. It allows us to advocate effectively without being overwhelmed by the stress of the case.

Image with 3 ways for attorneys to take a mindful pause as discussed in the blog post

Question: What advice would you give to lawyers looking to integrate mindfulness into their practice?

Kate: Start small. Mindfulness doesn’t have to mean meditating for hours. It could be as simple as taking a few deep breaths before walking into court or setting aside time to reflect at the end of the day. Over time, these small practices can make a big difference.

Conclusion: A Sustainable Path Forwa

Advocacy in high-stakes legal cases is demanding, but mindfulness provides a sustainable path forward. Kate’s insights show how lawyers can balance compassion with professional detachment, ensuring their advocacy is guided by strategy and care—not stress or overwhelm. Whether you’re a lawyer or navigating the challenges of life, mindfulness is a powerful tool for staying grounded and effective.

Bio: Kathryn (“Kate”) Conway, Partner at Power Rogers, is a seasoned trial lawyer specializing in personal injury and wrongful death cases. Beyond her legal achievements, Kate advocates for compassion in law through her work with nonprofits like Sarah’s Inn and Chicago Jesuit Academy. As a mentor and past President of the Women’s Bar Association of Illinois, she promotes mindfulness and empathy in legal advocacy, drawing on her experience supporting clients through emotionally challenging cases.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Why Lawyers Need Enlightened Self-Interest

Cover image for blog post entitled "Why Lawyers Need Enlightened Self-Interest"

Though I am a mindfulness teacher, I am still a lawyer so that means I love competition. I like to win. I want to be number one in all things. And after a decade of meditation my ego is still going strong.

The drive to compete and win is necessary for most lawyers. I am not here to tell you it’s entirely bad. I’m sharing this post, though, because competition and naked self-interest have some down sides.

My beloved compassion teacher, Laura Banks, recently introduced me to Tom Bussen, a psychologist and former lawyer, who wrote a book on this topic. The book is called Enlightened Self-Interest: Individualism, Community, and the Common Interest. I thought the book offered great insights about the role of competition in life and work, including some recommendations about how to compete in a healthier and happier way.

What Is Enlightened Self-Interest?

The book, Enlightened Self-Interest, analyzes something that most lawyers know all too well: competitive individualism. Most of us who live in the western world, especially the United States, probably don’t need more explanation on this. In case you do, though, this is referring to the societal and professional emphasis on attaining money, power, and fame.

Despite common assumptions that these things lead to health, happiness, and safety, the book explains that they often do the opposite. They foster worldwide inequality, rampant loneliness, incentivize unethical conduct, and often contribute to mental health challenges.

Enlightened self-interest, then, is the recognition that the cultural messages many of us get about what we are supposed to want and pursue in life may not truly be in our self-interest. This recognition then opens up possibilities for cultivating a more balanced, sustainable, and collaborative practices that support individual and collective well-being.

Image with loose definition of enlightened self-interest

Why Do Lawyers Need Enlightened Self-Interest?

Enlightened self-interest matters for lawyers and others in the business world for some obvious reasons. Law practice itself is highly competitive and confrontational. Not only are lawyers often competing with other lawyers in representing clients, they also may face business competition in their own firms and externally.

What are the most common incentives for a job well done in this system? You got it: money, power, and reputation enhancement. In this way, whether intended or not, law practice sets many lawyers up in a system where success and happiness may be at odds. As a result, it behooves lawyers, especially law firm leaders, to incorporate approaches that mitigate the impact of individualistic competition.

What Can Enlightened Self-Interest Do for Lawyers and Professionals?

What I liked most about the book, Enlightened Self-Interest, is that it was balanced. It didn’t claim that competition was entirely bad. It didn’t argue that the hyper-individualistic Western world should wholesale adopt the collectivism more prevalent in Asia. Instead, it acknowledged that there are pros and cons with every social system, including collectivism, and agreed that competition has its place in a healthy life and culture.

Still, the book recommended several actionable steps that lawyers and professionals can consider and implement to cultivate more fulfilling and healthier lives. These include things like examining the role of money in our lives, understanding how a collaborative mindset can help us in business, and strategies to avoid the trap of social comparison. It also recommends exploring a simple but effective meditation practice, mudita, to cultivate appreciative joy for others.

Image sharing information about podcast interview with author of Enlightened Self-Interest, Tom Bussen

Who Is the Author?

I’ve told you why the focus of the book is relevant to lawyers, but you may also be interested to know that the author of the book, Tom Bussen, was a lawyer. Bussen is now an academic and organizational psychologist who has taught and trained companies and businesses around the world about ways to create healthier workplaces.

As Tom shares in the book, though, he used to practice law and left in part because the competitive and individualistic environment was not for him. I got a chance to interview Tom for the FDCC FedSpeaks Podcast and he graciously shared the challenges he experienced with law practice. Because Bussen’s first-hand knowledge of many of the challenges that lawyers, professionals, and their firms ensure that he remains practical in his focus and recommendations.

Why Should I Read the Book?

Enlightened Self-Interest is a needed examination of the role of individualist competition in our society and the impact it has on the lives of most lawyers and professionals. It offers balanced analysis of research, case studies and true stories, and practical strategies to help lawyers and professionals craft happier and more fulfilling lives. If you want to learn how you can remain competitive as a lawyer without sacrificing your own well-being, Enlightened Self-Interest is one to read.

Image with summary book review of Enlightened Self-Interest as shared in the blog post

Where Can I Buy the Book?

You can find Enlightened Self-Interest on most online booksellers, including Amazon (paid link). However, for those of you who wish to support smaller booksellers, Bussen was gracious enough to provide a 30% code (“TGUF”) to purchase the book from Georgetown University Press.

The link to the book mentioned in this review is an affiliate link. The review is unsponsored and sincere but the link to Amazon is paid.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Which Self-Compassion Book Is Better for Lawyers?

Cover image for the blog post Which Self-Compassion Book Is Better for Lawyers?

I write about self-compassion a lot because it is one of the most rewarding shifts I have made in my life and law practice. From speaking to and teaching lawyers about mindfulness for years now, I also know that self-compassion is an area of opportunity for many of us.

If you are interested in this topic, you start Googling or searching on Amazon for resources to explore self-compassion further. Doing this is likely to direct you to two prominent names in the field of self-compassion cultivation: Kristin Neff and Chris Germer.

Neff and Germer teamed up to create the popular, accessible, and effective program Mindful Self-Compassion which I reviewed previously. They also have books under their own name on the topic of self-compassion. Neff’s is Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (paid link) and Germer’s is The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion (paid link).

Which one is best? As a lawyer, I can’t resist saying “it depends” but I can also offer some analysis here to help you decide.

How they Are Different

As I discuss below, both books have a lot in common. I don’t truly think you can go wrong reading either and there are benefits of reading both. Even so, they do have a few critical differences.

Perspective of a Clinician v. a Researcher

The most obvious difference between the two books is the perspective from which they were written. Germer is a clinician while Neff is a researcher. As such, Germer focuses far more on the practices to cultivate self-compassion, while Neff focused on the research. Likewise, Germer relies on more examples from working with patients. Neff offers more examples from studies she has conducted of reviewed.

Male v. Female

Another important difference is that Germer is male and Neff is female. This does not always matter for every book, but when it comes to self-compassion men and women may for cultural reason face different challenges. As a male, Germer speaks more to his experience as a husband and father. On the other hand, Neff shares about the challenges of being a woman professional and her experience with motherhood.

Voice

Although both books cover substantially similar material, the voice of the two authors may be the biggest area of difference. Germer’s voice is down-to-earth, practical, direct, and analytical. This isn’t to say it is hard-charging by any means, and certainly not compared to the content most lawyers read. But, as a left brained person myself, I prefer this style and many lawyers or professionals may feel more at ease with it.

In contrast, Neff’s style is soft, warm, and intimate. She shares her personal experiences more often than Germer does and offers less explanations of the practices. Even her arguments regarding the meaning of the various studies on self-compassion don’t feel like arguments. This is most likely an intentional choice to help readers who struggle with self-compassion open their minds to it.

A comparison of Chris Germer's and Kristin Neff's books on self-compassion so lawyers can pick which is best for them.

How Are They Similar

Despite all of these differences, Neff and Germer’s books are very similar. They have worked together and both addressed different aspects of self-compassion. This is one reason why you can’t go wrong with either book. They both offer:

Conclusion

In truth, I like both of the books and think any reader could benefit from either. I have a slight personal affinity for Germer’s book, since it appeals to my direct, practical and analytical personality. However, as a working mom and special education attorney, I certainly appreciated Neff’s decision to share her story, including caring for son after his diagnosis with an autism spectrum disorder.

In case you need a clear conclusion, though, I will say that Neff’s work may be ideal if you really need convincing that self-compassion is worth it. This is a reality for many lawyers and there’s nobody better to convince you on the power of self-compassion than someone who has researched it for years.

On the other hand, if you need more tools to internalize self-compassion and implement it in your life, Germer’s book is the way to go. Germer’s down-to-earth writing style and lived experienced a clinician may be a great tool to help you build self-compassion in your own life and work.

A conclusion with book reviews of Germer's and Neff's books on self-compassion.

The links to the books mentioned in this review are affiliate links. The review is unsponsored and sincere but the links to Amazon are paid.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Three Simple Steps Lawyers Can Use to Build Self-Compassion

Cover image for the blog post Three Simple Steps Lawyers Can Use to Cultivate Self-Compassion

Self-compassion features prominently on this blog. In part that is because cultivating self-compassion is a huge part of my personal journey. I consider it one of the greatest gifts of my meditation practice and perhaps the biggest shift in my life. It is what helped me grow after decades of overthinking, anxiety, depression, and loneliness.

My story, though, is not unique. Self-compassion has been proven to help people achieve goals, build happiness, take risks, and foster closer relationships. Beyond this, even for those of us to whom it does not come naturally, self-compassion can be cultivated with practice and time.

But how do you “practice self-compassion.” The good news is that this this, too, has been researched. Thanks to the work of researcher and author, Kristin Neff, among others, we know that self-compassion has three primary aspects which any of us can use to learn to bring into your own life and work to help yourself.

1. Mindfulness

Many of us who struggle with self-compassion worry that it may cause us to become too soft on ourselves. We may be concerned that we will rest on our laurels, get a big head, or even overlook our own unethical or hurtful conduct. If this is you, you may be relieved to learn that mindfulness is an essential element of self-compassion.

At its heart, self-compassion means that we are sensitive to our own needs and suffering. In this way, mindfulness has to be there because we can’t be compassionate towards something of which we are unaware. This aspect can matter a lot for lawyers who are often focused on the suffering of others. Just acknowledging our own struggles is where mindfulness fits in in to self-compassion.

Beyond this, though, mindfulness is also a steadying and stabilizing force. This is what helps us notice things without getting lost in them. In the context of self-compassion, mindfulness is what helps us realize we are having a problem without piling on by taking the situation personally or judging ourselves for our reactions.

An image sharing the benefits of cultivating self-compassion for lawyers and others

2. Common Humanity

The next aspect of self-compassion is common humanity. This aspect helps us embed our individual struggle in the context of the human story. When bad things happen, it is very easy to think “why me” or “woe is me” or “I’m the worst person in the world.”

Invoking common humanity, though, helps you zoom out from this common storyline. Instead of responding “why me” when a hard situation happens, you may consider that bad things are an unfortunate but normal part of life. Instead of the self-pity of “woe is me” or self-judgment, you may remember that your story is like the stories of so many others.

This aspect of self-compassion is important for lawyers especially. In hard times, even the best of us may tend to self-isolate or get lost in shame. Common humanity is what helps us avoid that tangle because it reminds us of our connection to other people. At a minimum, this can help loosen the grip of self-judgment. Eventually, though, it may also help us seek out and accept kindness and support from our community when we need it most.

3. Self-Kindness

The last aspect of self-compassion flows from the first two. Once you have become aware of your own suffering and recognized it as a part of the human story, it becomes easier to take care of yourself.

To put it very simply, self-kindness means giving yourself what you need. This sounds simple and it truly can be when we let it. At the beginning, though, it may feel pretty awkward.

Think about it for a minute: how much were you taught to take care of yourself? Most of us weren’t. Instead, many lawyers have historically been taught to take care of others first. We are validated and praised when we set our feelings aside and focus on someone else’s needs.

Image showing the elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness

Most of these lessons aren’t intended to be taken in the extreme, but when they aren’t balanced by other teachings and practices they can become so. That’s why self-compassion cultivation is important and has been shown to be so powerful: it empowers us to strike a balance in caring for ourselves and others.

In some situations and after some practice, we may get pretty good at identifying our needs and honoring them. If you need some help, though, I recommend considering the basic human needs first. The acronym HALT for “hungry, angry, lonely, tired” is a basic and easy to memorize tool that can help you scan through the usual suspects of basic needs. For a more in-depth version of this, I like this list of needs from Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communication.

Conclusion

These are the three aspects of self-compassion, but knowing these aspects is just the first step. The next step is putting them into practice. Though it may feel awkward at first and you won’t always have the presence of mind to bring these steps to mind, I hope you can find ways to use them in your life and work. I have done so and it has helped me take care of myself and my community much better.

If you want to try some self-compassion practices, check out some of these guided meditations on our YouTube channel here:

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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The Truth about Compassion Fatigue that Lawyers Need to Know

A cover image for the blog post The Truth about Compassion Fatigue that Lawyers Need to Know

Have you ever had touchy subjects? These are the topics that come up a lot and they always get on your nerves. You find yourself getting irritated and explaining something at length to someone who clearly doesn’t care about the issue as much as you do. For me, that thing is “compassion fatigue.”

Why on earth would this subject set me off? Well, it sets me off because the very term “compassion fatigue” gets the concept wrong. “Compassion fatigue” is a term that describes the physical, emotional, and psychological impact of helping others — often through experiences of stress or trauma.

There’s Some Confusion about Compassion and Empathy.

This is a true phenomenon that happens. Absolutely, it is one that affects many lawyers. The thing is, though, that compassion is not the real problem. The real culprit is empathy and the name of the thing everyone wants to talk about is in fact more accurately called “empathic overwhelm.”

Now, I bet you are the one feeling a bit touchy. I bet you are thinking “Empathy! Oh my stars! Empathy is so important. It makes us better people. It binds us together. How could we ever live without empathy?” Hold your horses.

I’m not arguing we should or even could live without empathy. I am suggesting, contrary to nearly everybody else on the internet, that empathy has some downsides. I’m also saying–along with some experts–that empathy and compassion aren’t the same thing. (If you want to know which experts, check out the The Craving Mind from Judson Brewer, the Science of Compassion from Kelly McGonigal, or the book Against Empathy by Paul Bloom.)

An image explaining the difference between compassion fatigue and empathic overwhelm

What Is Empathy?

So what is empathy? There are different types of it. The term sometimes refers to “cognitive” empathy, where we understand how someone else may be feeling. The other variety is “affective” empathy where we take on someone else’s feelings.

It is affective empathy that is most powerful but also most dangerous for us as lawyers. Affective empathy allows us to share in the emotions of other people. In good times, this can be amazing. If you’ve attended an awesome concert or sporting event and gotten swept up in the emotion of the crowd, you’ve experienced this.

The More Accurate Term “Empathic Overwhelm”

But empathy isn’t restricted to good, soft, or beneficial emotions alone. Have you ever had someone yell at you and your first instinct was to yell back? Has this ever happened even before you fully understood what they were mad about? Guess what? That’s empathy too.

Humans are social animals and so this trait of picking up and sharing emotions is wired into us. It can bind us together, whether that’s a good thing or not. The other downside is that empathy gets tired really quickly. It takes a lot of energy to feel big emotions. And doing this taxes our nervous system pretty quickly.

If we are in an otherwise stressful situation (and of course lawyers usually are), we can get overwhelmed very quickly. And this is why the experience is correctly called “empathic overwhelm.”

An image explaining empathy and that it is not restricted to positive emotions

How Is Compassion Different?

Now, you may be wondering why the name of this particularly icky experience is so significant. It matters because compassion can actually be a solution to empathic overwhelm. As I have shared before, compassion is not merely feeling someone else’s feelings. Instead, compassion is presence with suffering plus the willingness to help.

Compassion is not about an individualized experience of pure emotion. Instead, it’s about our connections to each other and our common humanity. Empathy is powerful because it spotlights an individual’s feelings and then mirrors that experience in us. Compassion is powerful because it is the human capacity to face difficulty with a kind intent.

Unlike empathy, compassion is far more durable. It does not get easily overwhelmed. In addition, the experience of compassion actually rewards us on the back end with the release of positive hormones, like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. If you pay attention after a compassion response, you may notice a warm glow or feeling of stability and deep well-being.

Why Should Lawyers Care about the Terminology?

And this brings me to the real true reason why this matters for lawyers. Despite my overbearing start, my point with this post is not to criticize terminology. Instead, my point is to address the assumptions underlying the terms used. By calling it “compassion fatigue”, the suggestion seems to be that lawyers could use less compassion, need take a break from compassion, or are harmed just by helping people.

In truth, the research does not bear that out for most cases. Helping people is not what harms lawyers. Instead, it is the way we help people that matters. Despite this, society sends us the resounding message that empathy is the one thing that will make the world better.

But that advice for lawyers is really problematic. Lawyers, who deal with high emotions in their clients, opposing counsel, and colleagues and have to remain stable enough to offer good advice, need to feel other people’s feelings more?

Compassion Is a Potential Solution and Not the Problem.

I don’t think so. Lawyers need the bandwidth to be able to have some cognitive empathy for clients and others. But uncontrolled empathy in the midst of legal conflicts is not ideal at all. Thus, what lawyers actually need is the ability to monitor and temper empathy.

An image comparing empathy and compassion

That’s what compassion and it’s sidekick mindfulness can do. These faculties don’t take empathy away. Instead, they can help balance and stabilize it. One reason this is most of interest to lawyers is that compassion, unlike empathy, is big enough to include oneself. While empathy almost forces us into someone else’s emotional storms, self-compassion can help us recognize and honor our own need for support.

The even better news? Even though we can’t uproot empathy and I don’t think we should try, we can cultivate mindfulness and compassion with formal and informal practices to have more stability and presence in our lives and work.

Conclusion: Say Empathic Overwhelm Instead.

In short, if someone says the term “compassion fatigue” to you, I hope I can count on your help in educating them that a better term is “empathic overwhelm.” You don’t have to get as touchy or overbearing as me either. You can just let them know that compassion is beneficial for us, but empathy gets worn out quickly. If they want a longer explanation, just send them this post.

Want to understand more about this? Check out the recent webinar that our founder did for the Kentucky Justice Association on this topic:

In addition, if you want a practice to check and monitor empathy in yourself, try our new guided meditation. This practice will help you build the skill of checking in with yourself so you can recognize and honor your own needs.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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How to Train Your Mind While Training Your Heart

Cover image for blog post How to Train Your Mind While Training Your Heart about incorporating mindfulness into your exercise routine

I talk a lot about meditation practice on this blog, but meditation is not the only way that you can cultivate mindfulness and compassion. Research is now beginning to emerge that is showing benefits from shorter and shorter increments of meditation. We are also starting to see some evidence of benefits from “informal” mindfulness or compassion practices.

For lawyers short on time, this is good news. As I well know, we don’t always have a 20 or 10 minute block of time to sit and meditate. But, if we are creative, we may find a few spare minutes here and there to sneak in a little bit of deep breathing. Even when this is hard to come by, we may learn some in the moment practices that can help us stay calm and collected or remember to be kind to ourselves.

One of my favorite ways to do this is to incorporate mindfulness and compassion practices into my workout routine. This may sound a little cumbersome, but I already shared a post from a lawyer who built a meditation practice this way. In addition, a recent review of more than 35 studies indicated that mindfulness and exercise might offer unique mental health benefits.

So how can you do this? Here are a few options.

1. Try Yoga or Somatic Workouts.

If you feel totally lost with the idea of integrating mindfulness and cardiovascular exercise, you might be pleased to know that some workouts are specifically designed to do this. Most yoga classes cue participants to notice their breath and pay attention to how their body feels. In general, the best yoga teachers also encourage modifications and self-compassion throughout practice. This is one reason people sometimes call yoga “moving mindfulness”.

Not all yoga is calm and restorative either. Some classes, including power yoga, will include cardio, interval, or even strength training. Along the same lines, somatic workouts like The Class will push your physical limits while cuing you to notice (and if possible release) thoughts and emotions that arise as you move.

An image with summary of a study showing benefits from incorporating mindfulness into exercse

2. Watch Your Breath.

I have enjoyed group fitness in the past, but right now I am all about my Peloton especially Power Zone training on my bike. These rides often call for me to hold a moderate to difficult effort for a period of time. As a meditation teacher, it didn’t take me long to realize that this was a great time to notice my breath.

Doing so often helped me modulate my breath so that I could stay steady during tough intervals or quickly recover when I had a respite. This helps me stay present for the difficulty rather than mentally retreating into anxiety or stress. In many cases, I have found that this makes the experience more enjoyable because it helps me remember that hard work much of the time can be fun and feel good.

3. Listen to Your Body.

I have an Apple watch which monitors my heart rate as I work out. From lots of experience, I have a good idea of my typical range for easy, moderate, and challenging cardio work. One thing I like to do, though, is to remind myself not to panic as my heart rate increases.

Instead of just watching the numbers, I also note how I feel as I am working. I am regularly surprised at how good I feel even when my heart rate is high. I am also regularly surprised to watch my heart rate stabilize or even come down even when my effort doesn’t slow down.

Another way I have done this is to pay attention to my posture. It is very easy to begin slumping or hunching over when you begin to breathe hard. I have trained myself to watch for this so that I can ensure a clear airway for my breath. When I remember to sit up and soften my belly so I can breathe again, things get a little bit easier.

Clearly, I can’t entirely control my heart rate or how I tolerate any given workout. Paying close attention to what my body does during a workout can help me manage my experience better and prevent my anxious mind from taking over.

An image with a quote about the value of incorporating mindfulness and self-compassion into exercise and fitness

4. Monitor that Inner Attitude.

Lots of people exercise because it helps quiet their minds. I am no exception and I certainly think that exercise can help when your mind is getting chatty. Even so, if there’s anything that can get my inner critic going, it’s feeling physically uncomfortable.

A good cardio workout is designed to make me feel physically uncomfortable. If I am having a hard time, it’s not uncommon for my mind to turn negative with complaints about the situation or criticisms of my performance. Guess what? This is not helpful at all.

Over the years, I have started to monitor for the early warning signs of this creeping negativity. If it starts to show up, I first try to be kind to myself by managing my situation by taking a drink of water or adjusting my position or rate of exertion. This often is enough to keep the nasty inner voice from distracting me from my mission.

5. Practice Courage and Compassion.

Even when managing my experience isn’t enough and the workout just sucks, I still have found a way to make the best of the situation. This is because the workouts where I am on the struggle bus are the best ones to practice courage and compassion.

On one particularly challenging ride with tough long intervals, I used every self-compassion strategy I could. I acknowledged my feelings of discomfort by saying “this is hard” but followed it up with “but I can do it.” I considered the meaning of the work and remembered why physical fitness mattered to my life. I even did tonglen practice, where I breathed in the hard feelings and breathed out relief and sent to the other people doing the ride.

Does this seem a little silly or overwrought? Maybe. I certainly laughed at myself afterwards but I also celebrated because I made it. But, if you think about it, sometimes physical sensations (our emotions) can be the biggest impediments to showing courage and compassion when they are needed most. Practicing these skills when the stakes only feel intense may actually be an ideal way to practice them so they are ready when you really need them.

An image showing 5 ways to incorporate mindfulness into your exercise or fitness routine

Conclusion

In an ideal world, all of us would have the time to meditate and work out regularly if not daily. Though most of us don’t live in an ideal world, we may be able to get the best of both worlds in our workouts. With a few small adjustments, you can incorporate informal mindfulness and compassion practices in your exercise routines. With these tips, you can train your mind and heart at the same time.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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