Sometimes, though, when I talk about meditation its impact on my life I feel like the answer is incomplete. In truth, starting a meditation practice is one of the best things I have done for my life as an adult. It is hugely important to me because it helped me get out of thought tangles, care for my anxiety, and move forward in life.
As I have shared several times on the blog, though, meditation did not help me so much because it calmed me down. Instead, it helped me because it gave the skills to follow what made me excited. When I started practicing meditation, I was lost in thought, overly rational, and had no self-compassion. I was nearly exclusively focused on what I “should” do and so didn’t spend much of the time I had doing what I wanted.
This is how meditation led to an explosion of innovation and creativity for me. After I got my bearings, healed from depression, and learned to curb my anxiety, I saw that I was hungry to write and create and let myself do it. Importantly, I let myself invest time and money into writing even though my writing was not squarely related to my law practice.
In his podcast and book, Matt Mueller often talks about a very different type of innovation. Most commonly, he’s talking about business innovation, including new products, processes, or service models. Though my story is more personal, it has affected how I practice law too and how I network and market my law practice. The reality is that our personal stories often shape our business strategies.
If you want to learn how mindfulness can do more than help you manage stress, check out the episode on Matt’s website or your podcast streaming service. If innovation is an interest to you, Matt’s podcast and book are excellent places to start.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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Founder’s Note: Writers on the internet have a way of finding each other. Jim is a labor and employment lawyer in Illinois with Big Law and corporate experience, blogger, and many other things. He found me when I interviewed his best friend, Joel Stern, about his experience with cancer and his new book. We chatted via email for a while and then Jim sent me a guest post. It wasn’t until I read it that I learned we had another thing in common: Peloton. Checkout his story of how a holiday gift helped him end burnout and start a new life.
In 2017, I became the Global Lead of Employment and Immigration for a large Indian IT company (a competitor of Accenture). I had a team of 20 lawyers based in London and Bangalore, India. I would travel to London and spend about one week there and then a week in India. I did this several times. At first, it was exciting and fun. After a couple of years though, it was no longer fun- – it was just grueling. And the job was really 24/7, I would be doing conference calls in the middle of the night because that’s daytime in India or checking emails in the middle of the night.
I am not saying my employer expected this; it is how I am wired. Lawyers handle the toughest issues businesses and society face. And while there is a lot of satisfaction to be gained by the practice of law, the legal profession is a stressful one. Lawyers are expected to work long hours, practice at a 24/7, “always on” pace, and provide immediate answers to the most complex issues, all while maintaining a high degree of client service and professionalism.
In December 2018, I traveled to London and India for almost 3 weeks. I returned home just before Christmas. I was physically and mentally exhausted. As I left India, I thought to myself “I really never want to come back here.” When I got home, we had friends over to sing Christmas carols and I literally fell asleep while singing them.
One of my favorite things about Christmas was singing in the midnight Christmas Eve service with the choir I sang with for over 20 years. Singing “Silent Night” with only candles to illuminate the church is one of the most spiritual experiences I’ve ever had. But I couldn’t even stay awake until 8 p.m., so I missed the service that year.
2019 rolled around and a polar vortex hit Chicago and the temperatures were way below 0. That matched my mood – – cold and dark. I was supposed to return to India in February. I just couldn’t do it. My General Counsel was very understanding. But I just couldn’t get of my funk. I struggled to get through the workday, and it was a slog.
By 2020, I realized that I wasn’t doing myself, my family, my friends, or my work team any favors and it was time for me to go. I took an “early” retirement in March 2020. What else happened in March 2020? The pandemic hit. A double whammy. I plunged into further darkness. I would sleep until noon and basically get up and just read a book or something. I had no interest in playing golf even though we had moved to a beautiful new community with a golf course and our house overlooks the 16th hole.
In December 2020, my wife and I bought a Peloton bike. I made a pledge to myself that I was going to get on this damn bike and ride almost every day. And I did! I started to feel better and eventually experienced weight loss that further contributed to my well-being. At the same time, I rediscovered meditation. I had meditated off and on over the years, but I found a meditation program called Ten Percent Happier. I am not getting paid to endorse this, I just really like the program.
Dan Harris is a fidgety, skeptical journalist who had a panic attack on live national television, which led him to try something he otherwise never would have considered: meditation. He went on to write the bestselling book, 10% Happier. Dan talks with eminent meditation teachers, top scientists, and even the odd celebrity. Dan sometimes ventures into the deep end of the pool, covering subjects such as enlightenment and psychedelics. Or it can be science-based techniques for issues such as anxiety, productivity, and relationships.
I love my life now. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my work and I love to sing (I found a local junior college choir to sing with where it’s me and about twenty 18–19-year-olds who put up with an old fart like me), play sports like golf, pickleball, platform tennis, kayaking, swimming, etc.
I love to travel and I cannot wait to travel more with my amazing wife of 37 years who put up with me during my darkest days. I write my own blog called “A Year of Grateful Music” where I highlight an artist and a song that I like. They say writing things we are grateful for everyday drastically improves your life. If you’re interested, email and I’ll send you the link and password.
Will this approach work for you? I don’t know, but I’d sure encourage you to try it and become a badass lawyer too!
Author Bio: Jim Beyer is a management labor and employment Lawyer with 25+ years of experience with major corporations (Accenture, General Electric, IBM and Infosys) and with Seyfarth Shaw, an AmLaw 100 firm. Jim is currently employed by Axiom. Axiom is the global leader in high-caliber, on-demand legal talent. Axiom employs over 13,000 lawyers globally. Over 60% of Fortune 100 companies are Axiom clients. Over 4000 Axiom lawyers have been with Fortune 500 companies and over 1700 Axiom lawyers have been with AmLaw 100 firms . Jim was elected as a Fellow in The College of Labor and Employment Lawyers in 2006 and he is an Adjunct Law Professor teaching employment law.
Outside of work, Jim is an avid singer looking to perform on Broadway (but happy to be a soloist on a local junior college choir, along with about 20 18–20-year-old young adults). He is a wannabe legal fiction novelist, he has been for married 37 years to a woman who should be sainted for putting up with him, father of 3 great adult sons (they call him Fred McMurray), Dad to a precocious 11-year-old English Springer Spaniel, lousy but avid golfer, Peloton bike nut and Jim also enjoys pickleball, platform tennis and kayaking. He writes a blog called “Musings of an Employment Lawyer.”
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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It’s that time of year when you may be getting winter coats and clothes out of the closet. If you are lucky, you may find a dollar or too in a pocket of one of your coats. Recently, I had the writing equivalent of that experience.
I was perusing the blog’s pages to check on links from guest posts I had written to see if they were still current. I saw that my old posts for Ms. JD were no longer available on their blog because they revamped their website. As a teacher of mindfulness, it was an opportunity to reflect on impermanence. Apparently even aspects of the internet are temporary.
I was sad for a minute and thought “wow, has it really been 5 years since I wrote those posts?” Indeed, it has and it’s closer to six for the early ones. But then I remembered something awesome.
In 2020, when I first started experimenting with Canva and just before I decided to launch this blog, I had created an e-book with my Ms. JD posts. I had originally intended it for another group, MothersEsquire, with which I had been involved and wrote for previously. Then I got invited to write a chapter for the #Networked book, started my meditation teacher training, and launched the blog.
In short, I forgot entirely about the e-book and just let it sit. That’s how writing projects sometimes go. You set them aside for a while as you focus on something else. It’s been a great three years and, with the publication of 2 other books and the continued growth of the blog.
Though all of these wonderful things may have provided an excuse to forget about the e-book, they also presented a wonderful opportunity to celebrate. I started writing for Ms. JD almost 6 years ago and had no plans, no goal, and no confidence that my writing would go anywhere.
Many lawyers and other professionals ask me about writing frequently. They express that they want to write more but are afraid to get started. I’m sharing the e-book for any people who might want to see how a single blog post a month can add to something bigger.
In addition, the e-book has some good things in it. It is aimed at young women lawyers because that is Ms. JD’s mission and the focus of their blog. However, it may have some ideas, practice tips, and humor for any lawyer or working professional. It addresses topics like:
the best career advice I ever received;
work-life balance and dispelling the “how do you do it all” myth;
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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Founder’s Note: I had the great pleasure to teach a session during the Mindfulness in Law Society annual online retreat in October. The speaker for this event was Chris Punongbayan, the Executive Director for Changelawyers in California. In his talk, Chris shared how mindfulness practices can help us build a better, more equitable world. I could not believe how much I needed to hear it. I wanted to share some of his insights with you so I asked him to participate in this interview.
1. Tell me about yourself and your work, both as a lawyer and yoga teacher.
I remember my law school admissions essay clear as day, although it was 23 years ago when I wrote it. I wanted to be a lawyer because I wanted to start a Filipino American Legal Defense Fund. I was living in New York City at the time and saw there was a great need for lawyers for community members on issues like immigration and employment, especially for domestic workers. But there were very few lawyers who looked like me and who came from my background who wanted to serve those who could not afford a lawyer.
So, I went to law school with a strong public interest focus. It was there at UCLA Law School that I also discovered Critical Race Theory. I’ve never looked back. In 2003, I received a scholarship from the California Bar Foundation. I am proud to say that now, 20 years later, I am leading that very same organization as its Executive Director. We are now called California ChangeLawyers. Our mission is to build a better justice system for all Californians.
I’ve always had an interest in yoga, but it was purely from a physical vantage point. I thought of it more as stretching than anything else. In 2016, I decided to take it to another level. I took a sabbatical from the civil rights nonprofit I was working for at the time, and decided to do an intensive immersion training program.
I crammed 200 hours into one month. This decision changed the course of my life. I learned so much more about what the true purpose of yoga is, how the physical is a doorway into a much deeper experience of self. I learned how to truly be a student. I love teaching yoga today, as well as mindfulness, because of the inherent benefits of practices that invite us to truly wake up and be fully present.
2. Politics and policy are challenging now on almost every level and may affect those doing any kind of social change work acutely. How have you been able to stay engaged as a citizen and lawyer?
What I try to do is be mindful in the everyday sense of being mindful, not just through seated meditation. I am aware of how I consume media and the torrent of bad news, and notice if I am starting to doom scroll. I feel like I have a strong North Star and so I try to keep looking up, rather than getting stuck in the energy of fear, worry, and doubt.
4. What role can mindfulness practices play in helping lawyers to create positive social change?
Mindfulness can help lawyers become more kind. Our profession can be brutal and, in fact, being ruthless is often preferred in comparison to being vulnerable. Can you imagine being vulnerable in a legal setting? As lawyers, we are taught to put on our armor and our masks. And yet, vulnerability is an undeniable human experience.
5. What resources, practices, or groups have been particularly helpful to you in your work or life? (this can be about mindfulness practices but it doesn’t have to be)
Right now, I am taking the online course, Zen and the Art of Saving the Planet. It is a global community practicing in the Plum Village tradition of Zen master, Thich Nhat Hanh. We are coming together to address the issue that binds us all together, the fate of the planet. The teachings are beautiful and the sangha (community) is equally potent. The book that it is based on is also poignant.
I also recently joined the ARISE Sangha listserv. ARISE stands for Awakening through Race, Intersectionality, and Social Equity. They regularly examine issues of our day through the dharma (teachings) and offer very relevant practices and skillful insight that aren’t part of the mainstream discourse on race in the United States.
The last resource I would offer is Home is Here: Practicing Anti-Racism with the Engaged Eightfold Path by Lien Shutt. The book offers an important perspective on racism that exists in the mindfulness community against Asian Americans. It is also an excellent refresher on the Eightfold Path in the context of fighting against racism in its various forms, from the individual level to the institutional level.
Chris’s Bio: Christopher Punongbayan is the Executive Director of California ChangeLawyers, a community foundation that empowers the next generation of legal changemakers through grants and scholarships totaling $1.5M+ annually. A native of Massachusetts and the son of immigrants from the Philippines, Chris graduated cum laude from Brown University with a degree in Asian American Studies and UCLA School of Law where he completed the Critical Race Studies concentration and the Epstein Program in Public Interest Law and Policy. Chris is a 500 hour certified yoga teacher and completed the Mindfulness for Lawyers training with Warrior One in 2022. He lives in San Francisco with his husband, 2 adopted sons, and 3 adopted cats.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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They asked me to explain some ways that mindfulness has made my law practice a little bit more calm and kind. I was happy to share some examples with them. I have many such stories that I have compiled over the years.
But I had to admit that the practice didn’t make me perfect and it didn’t make law practice suddenly become easy. That’s because mindfulness practices aren’t magic. Instead, they are deeply practical.
I mentioned a few meditations in the podcast to help lawyers who have to deliver bad news to clients or avoid email wars with opposing counsel. If you want to check those out here they are:
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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In the last month, many of us may have found ourselves questioning the state of the world. If you have watched news reports from the devastation in Gaza or the hateful violence perpetrated in the United States following it, you may have felt less than certain about the goodness of humanity and your role in it.
These included questions like these: is meditation really what we should be doing when the world has so many challenges? How can people even relax in such hard times? Is it even right to try to relax?
Though I’ve taken some time with these thoughts, I don’t know that I have definitive answers. Even so, here are three thoughts that have helped me stick with my practice and rely on it as a support in these troubled times.
1. Meditation Is Ideal for Giving Big Questions the Time and Space They Deserve.
“How can one meditate in troubled times?” That’s a big question. Of course, lawyers tend to love big questions. As a teacher and student of meditation, however, I have learned to treat them with a healthy amount of skepticism. After all, asking a big question often carries with it an urge for an immediate (and satisfying) answer. Law school and law practice train us to think we have to answer every question quickly and do so well.
If you pay attention, however, life shows us that time and curiosity may point us closer to the right direction. This is in part because big questions often don’t have just one right answer. Though law practice can force us to overlook this as we search for the “best” result for clients, there is usually more than one way to solve a problem. In fact, sometimes when we open our minds up, we may even see the problem itself differently.
And how can you open your mind up? Meditation is one way. This is not a trick. Once you let go of the idea that meditation is about clearing your mind, you realize that meditation may be the perfect thing to do when thoughts are rolling around in your head. Even if you don’t get answers right away, you may get some rest or find some peace. And that’s a win.
2. Mindfulness Can Help You Check for Doubt.
Of all people, lawyers should know that not all questions are really seeking information. In many cases, questions that start with the phrase “how can” are truly expressions of doubt.
Instead, I have experienced that doubts are often a mental manifestation of fear. When we are presented with challenging subjects and memories, fear is bound to arise. When we see the doubting questions as fear, we may learn how to take care of the fear instead of following the directions of the doubt.
If the state of the world is hurting your motivation to meditate, be compassionate with yourself but check for doubt too. It’s human to be alarmed about what is happening in the world and to question the meaning in what we do. But acting unconsciously based on doubt often leads way from meaning and goodness rather than back to it.
3. Meditation Is Resting Instead of Giving Up.
Meditation can be particularly hard on challenging days because it is sometimes described as “doing nothing.” When things in the world feel wrong, the idea of doing nothing can seem immoral. Couple this with the often misunderstood concept of “acceptance” and you can make yourself feel like a monster for taking a few minutes to breathe.
But meditating for a few minutes isn’t doing nothing in an absolute sense, is it? At most, it is doing nothing for a few minutes out of your day. My point here, of course, is that resting and giving up aren’t the same thing.
The reality is that meditation may be counterintuitive when our emotions are high and questions, rather than answers, pervade our minds. Despite this, I have found that meditation can be essential in precisely those times. It helps me give the big questions the time and space to bounce around, let go of doubt, and focus on strengthening the skills and capacities I need to continue trying to live an ethical life.
In short, I think experience–instead of pure logic–is more likely to show you how you can keep meditating in a world full of challenges. Rather than focusing on the merits of the practice itself, the better approach is to ask whether meditation will serve you now. Of course, this is a question to ask yourself every time you are thinking about practice and not merely on the hardest of days. To be a meaningful one, though, it must be safe for the answer to be “no.”
Self-care practices like meditation can be a wonderful way to take refuge when we encounter difficulty. But they serve us best when we don’t use them against ourselves. As you consider your meditation practice in the context of the broader world, always be kind to yourself.
If you decide that you want to try meditation, here is a practice inspired by Mr. Rogers that I developed for myself for hard days.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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Thanksgiving is coming up next week. This holiday is one that is pretty easy for me to love because cooking and eating are two of my favorite things. You get to do both on Thanksgiving and you only have to spend one day with your extended family. Seems perfect, right?
Oh yeah, I forgot about gratitude. In some form or fashion, you may be asked to reflect on or proclaim your gratitude. I don’t doubt the myriad studies that say gratitude is good for us. I appreciate the need to express and receive gratitude. But, as a lifelong pigheaded person, I refuse to feel something on demand.
Honestly, it’s not even truly refusal. I could decide to go along with the little game of gratitude to amuse my family or shut them up. But I would know in my secret heart of hearts that I don’t really feel grateful. What I really feel is resentful.
But can I cultivate gratitude otherwise? Despite my mental and emotional blocks against fakery, I have discovered a hack. I have written many times about my fondness for loving-kindness practice. One of the reasons I love this practice so much is that it serves as a gratitude practice for me.
This is why I am sharing a gratitude meditation that is really a modified loving-kindness practice. It follows the same traditional pattern, but instead of wishing the phrases of peace and well-being it includes an offering of gratitude. I did this one for the Mindfulness in Law Society Virtual Sit this week and remembered how much I liked it.
To try out the practice, find it here or on our YouTube channel or on Insight Timer. Please have a wonderful holiday weekend. I am honestly and sincerely grateful to have you as a reader and meditation friend.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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This is the question I have been waiting for someone to ask me ever since I started teaching mindfulness to lawyers. After several years and countless events, nobody ever has. Maybe it’s because people don’t know the origins of most of the practices I teach. Maybe people are busy focusing on learning the practices instead of a deeper question like this. Or maybe they are just too polite to ask.
Since I have been waiting years to answer this question, I have practiced many different versions of my answer in my mind. To be totally upfront about it, I think that there are many valid ways to answer this question. This blog post is a summation of all the different ways of considering the question so that you can answer it better for yourself.
1. What does “Buddhist” mean?
Sorry to be a total lawyer about this, but when this question has crossed my mind I always wonder what the term “Buddhist” means. It can refer to one’s religion or spiritual identity. On the other hand, it can also refer to one’s allegiance to a philosophical perspective or set of ideas.
For many people, being a Buddhist may include both of these ideas. For me, though, only the latter feels right. Buddhism, as a religion, is connected to a myriad of cultural practices and ideas. Given this, I don’t feel right calling myself a Buddhist when I share in only a part of the practices that other people do for their religion.
On the other hand, I regularly do and teach many practices that have emanated from Buddhism. I believe in and have developed faith through life experience in traditional Buddhist concepts like compassion, the value of clear awareness, and even tricky concepts like not-self. Thus, clearly I am a Buddhist in the philosophical sense.
Of course, this answer could change depending on the extent of your practice. A few minutes a day is not likely to immediately change your personality, worldview, or beliefs. However, more extensive experience in retreats or with different groups and teachers could change the answer over time.
3. Does it really matter?
When people ask me a question, it always helps to know why they are asking so I can address the real concern. Some people may be concerned that “being a Buddhist” could take away from other religious practice or faith. You are the best person to judge the requirements of your own religion.
I can say, however, that Buddhism is relatively free of metaphysics in comparison to other religions. Meditation groups and classes are also not uncommon these days in secular spaces, churches, synagogues, and mosques. Based on this, there seem to be plenty of people who believe meditation is not in conflict at all with other world religions.
The harder question to answer is whether meditation or potentially “becoming a Buddhist” may change your self-image. My experience is that, of course, it can. Meditation and exploring Buddhist concepts and practices changed my life, including my identity and how I thought of myself. I am incredibly grateful for that experience but I don’t claim that it was easy.
In short, meditation alone does not necessarily make you a Buddhist, but with enough time and experience that answer could change. Being a Buddhist, in terms of religion or philosophy, does not necessarily require abandoning or changing other faith practices or beliefs.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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As I discussed last week, it’s easy to get caught into the trap of identity about the kinds of people we are. When I teach mindfulness, therefore, sometimes I find myself subtly hinting at the idea that identity is not nearly as stable as we’d all like to think. But I usually try to avoid launching into a direct attack on identity because that can be pretty scary.
But here are the facts. The last two election cycles in the United States have been brutal. The next election coming in 2024 doesn’t look like it is going to be any easier. As someone with personal experience letting politics drive me crazy, I don’t judge anyone who feels this way.
Having been tossed about by polarized politics in America for years now, I started to wonder whether there is a better way. I don’t claim that this post offers the better way. That is, I don’t know that there is one way to do things better. In truth, I think there may be many better ways.
What has been the better way for me? Well, it has been trying to learn how to judge a little bit less when it comes to politics. When I say this, I don’t mean to disengage. I still vote- even in primaries and especially in local races. I still donate. I pay attention to the issues and I call my representatives. However, the internal reactions- to elected officials, my neighbors, and the situation – I have had to learn to relax to save my own sanity.
Obviously, sticking with my meditation practice has been an essential component to this solution. Calming down and becoming aware of thoughts is a fundamental step to being mindful of judgments. But I noticed that I had been engaging in another form of mind training over the last year or so. I looked at my reading list and I saw a pattern of books that I had read (or read again) to help me watch my judgments this election year.
Here are the 5 books that have helped me understand things a bit better so I could judge a bit less and have more peace in the coming election year.
I‘ve talked about loneliness a few times on this blog. Has it ever occurred to you that political polarization is happening at a time when loneliness is being recognized as a public health crisis? Sure, there are other factors at work here too, but Brown makes an interesting point in this book. She helps us see that what we want as humans – belonging and connection – is the exact opposite of what we find when we polarize and segregate ourselves. The point here is not to judge anyone for wanting a safe space with likeminded individuals, but instead to help us reevaluate how we can make spaces truly safe for all. If you need some courage or help eliminating shame and dehumanizing speech from your vocabulary (and trust me most of us do) check this book out.
So, you may be thinking, “fine I agree that we all want connection, but how can I possibly relate to people with whom I can’t even talk?” I’m not telling you to rush into protracted debates with people on the opposite end of the political spectrum. This book, though, may help you learn some skills so you can understand people better. This book is about owning and respecting our human needs and interests and doing the same for others. This sounds simple but it’s something you will probably hardly ever hear in ordinary communication at work and at home. Some of the references in this book are a bit dated, but the practices remain valuable and practical today.
This one may sound surprising in this context. Nonviolent Communication, which I just recommended, strongly encourages empathy as a tool for communication. And, in fact, it can be. As Bloom points out in this book, though, it can also become a block to it. This book really isn’t against empathy in all cases. Rather, Bloom argues instead that empathy can create problems for us in moral decisionmaking. Why? Well, in part because empathy “spotlights” certain individuals. Depending on our morality, we may disagree on who deserves the spotlight. Bloom argues instead for a “rational compassion” to guide our moral and policy decisions. As a teacher of compassion, I’m certainly inclined to agree. This book can help you see how emotions may come up in morality and politics in ways you may not have noticed before. That awareness may help you understand better how others process things so you can judge less and understand more.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book, but I have to admit that I recommend it with some hesitancy. This book didn’t make me feel better exactly, but it definitely helped me judge others different from me less. In this book, the Vox founder did what he does best: he explains polarization. In particular, he explains why American politics as a system tends toward polarization and how that system polarizes all of us individuals in turn. It examines the government structure, the parties as organizations, American history, and even the media to explain how polarization has evolved. Did this book change my political beliefs? No, not at all. Did it help me understand the factors that shaped my beliefs better? Absolutely. And it helped me consider how my fellow citizens are subject to the very same forces.
Even if you learn to talk nicer and you understand more, the reality remains that people can still piss you off. That’s why the final book is about how to not get so pissed off all the time. This book says it is about loving enemies, but make no mistake it is really mostly about loving yourself. Quite appropriately, the book starts off by talking about “external enemies” – the other people in our families, workplaces, and communities who drive us nuts. But you will be surprised to see how much of this is devoted to getting clear on your own pain and frustration and learning to care for it. Like I’ve discussed before when talking about compassion, this book is not about being a doormat. Instead, it’s about being brave enough to be kind in a world that sometimes isn’t.
These are the books that have helped me prepare to judge less, stay kind, without checking out too much during the next election year. As I said before, this isn’t an exhaustive list. What books would you add to this list? What other resources or practices are helping you stay steady these days?
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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It’s Halloween today, so many of us may be watching scary movies or donning costumes and running door to door in pursuit of candy. What better day is there to explore a concept that I have generally been too afraid to discuss on the blog: the concept of not-self. If this phrase sounds awkward and weird to you, that’s because it is. It is the best attempt at an English translation from the Pali word “anatta” and the Sanskrit “anatman”, which in Buddhist philosophy refer to the idea that there is no stable, static, or lasting self.
Why Not-Self Is Both Scary and Exciting
Why does this concept make me afraid? The big reason is that it is hard to define. Not-self is a concept that most forms of secular Buddhism avoid. You may hear teachers mention the “ego” every now and then, but there is often little prompting for us to explore the foundations of our identity. As such, it’s not a concept that lends itself well to the blog format.
In addition, I’ll be honest that many lawyers (a large portion of my reading audience) may struggle with the idea of not-self. If I had to state the importance of identity and reputation for lawyers in a single word, I would spread my arms out wide like a little kid trying to demonstrate a really big thing and simply say “huge!”
My experience with it has felt (I can only imagine) like sky-diving. There is a surge of adrenaline when you see you are not stuck in the same old identity. All too soon, though, this is followed by a horrific pang wondering if the parachute will open and the new identity you hope to create will take.
Given all of this, maybe it’s best to consider the concept of not-self with fun and a sense of humor. This makes Halloween, with its costumes and candy almost poking fun at the human realities of change, decay, and death, an ideal framework to consider the concept. To that end, here are 3 reasons why exploring the concept of not-self can help you and 3 simple ways to get started.
3 Ways Exploring Not-Self Can Help
Why would you want to dig in with a weird concept that makes you question who you are and how your identity was created? To put it simply, it can help undo some suffering. Here’s how.
1. Less Judgment
One of the hallmark principles of mindfulness practice is becoming aware of judgments. When you start to do this, you will learn that judgments are at the heart of a lot of our suffering. Of course, this isn’t to say that all difficulty in life is self-inflicted. When you pay attention, though, you realize that many life difficulties emanate from our reactions to life.
If you want to get clear about judgments, you almost have to explore identity. Think about it. When you judge, who is doing the judging? There is some identity deep down that is designating an experience, a situation, a person, or a choice as “good” or “bad.” But lawyers who play devil’s advocate and consider things from all angles know that the goodness or badness of a situation, person, or experience may depend on the perspective.
The thing is that perspective can be hard to see when we are so locked into our own. This is one big lesson from exploring not-self. We can remember that our perspective is the product of our experience and all the forces that shaped us in our lives. We can also remember times when we have felt certain in our perspective and identity, only to see it pass and change with time. When we loosen the grip of identity by considering these things, we can get some freedom from our judgments.
2. Activates Agency
I’ve written about habits on the blog a lot and I expect that I will write about them a lot in the future too. As I discussed when I reviewed Atomic Habits by James Clear, identity is a huge piece of the puzzle when it comes to habit formation. Why? Because willpower is like a muscle. It gets tired and takes energy to employ.
But when we shift identity, suddenly this new habit isn’t an exercise of pure will. It’s just us being ourselves. The problem is, of course, is that the pull of identity is strong. Eerie as it can sometimes be, not-self offers a way out of this trap. It helps us remember that, just like our identities are formed by our experiences, we can shift those identities (at least to some degree) with new conduct.
This does not mean that building new habits or making change is easy. I’m not sure anything can make that easy. In my experience, though, it has made the discomfort of doing these things more bearable. Even when a new activity is truly wholesome, it can feel awkward and churn up lots of doubt and anxiety. The concept of not-self has helped to normalize this experience for me.
Though I may long for the security of my familiar sameness, I know that the security is illusory at best. This helps me be brave because it reminds me that there isn’t a haven where I can avoid feeling insecure about my identity. Faced with this choice of insecurity caused by inertia or insecurity caused by living life on my terms, it’s a lot easier to move towards what I want.
3. More Connection
What happens when you judge less? In general, you open up more. That’s one reason the concept of not-self can help you open up to connection with others.
Likewise, judging others less may open up opportunities for connection you never expected. Look, I know it is exceedingly easy to judge other people right now. Our brains want to categorize and sort humanity into in and out groups. Our social media feeds are designed to accelerate this process. Even advertising contributes to rigid identities by forever constructing brand allegiance.
It’s not kind to yourself or wise to pretend that you can simply stop judging the people around you and those who differ from you in meaningful ways. But when you explore how your identity is created and perpetuated, you start to ask those same questions for other people. At a minimum, this can make you less harsh and stark in your view. Over time, you may find barriers coming down and new possibilities for connection emerging.
3 Easy Ways to Explore Not-Self
This sounds good and all, you may be saying to yourself, but how on earth do I start to “explore the concept of not-self”? It’s a good question and one that is not easily answered. Plumbing the depths of identity and watching it shift and change over time is something we could do our whole lives. To keep you from getting overwhelmed with this, here are a few small and less scary ways to start.
1. Get to Know Yourself
Getting to know who you are is a good step for understanding the instability of identity. Like many concepts from Buddhism, not-self is one that is best understood from experience. Learning about who you are is a one way to get that experience.
Personality tests or psychological assessments may give you some insights into your patterns. I have taken a few of the personality tests used in business, including Meyers-Briggs, Predictive Index, and the Enneagram. Things like Strengths Finder or even Gretchen Rubin’s 4 categories may offer some insights. You can’t take these tests to reveal truth with a capital T but you can see some patterns.
There is one caveat if you start looking at personality patterns: it could without balance lead to the idea that you “are who you are.” We’ve all said this line. Sometimes we say to mean we aren’t going to kill ourselves trying to live up to someone else’s standards. Sometimes we say it to defend an unpopular opinion when we aren’t interested in rational argument. Whatever the reason, it conveys the idea that are personalities are set in stone.
For times in our lives, this might be true. We may be stable for a while and feel secure. Inevitably, though, most of would admit that conditions change. As you are exploring your identity, therefore, don’t just focus on what you are like. It may help to consider the conditions, including the people, who got you there.
These reckonings may also help with employing compassion and understanding for those with whom we disagree. Just like loving-kindness practice, I don’t recommend forcing this analysis with your worst enemies right away. But, you can start small by thinking of the conditions that led someone to take the action you dislike. It may not mean forgiveness, but it may allow you a chance to let go of the hurt.
3. Look for Stories and Scripts
But where is meditation in all of this? I wrote this whole post and have hardly talked about meditation at all. Not-self is something that you may only get glimpses of in life, so it is a hard thing to practice in meditation. It’s not impossible, however.
One way to explore this concept in meditation is keep asking “who” is there. Who is doing all of this thinking? Who is hearing that sound? Who is feeling that emotion? Of course, it is you but try to find the conscious choice behind all of those things. If you find it, I’ll be surprised because I’m still looking. There isn’t really a “who” but just awareness. That’s where not-self gets a bit spooky.
Over time, though, you can get comfortable just chilling in awareness and you can start to see things play out with more space. This is where you can see stories and scripts and patterns play out. They might be your tendency to doubt yourself or turn yourself into a victim or your savior complex. With time, you can watch in life how following these stories and scripts plays out for you. That’s when you can harness some of the agency mentioned above and think about creating a new story you actually want to live.
This is my run down on the good, the bad, and the slightly creepy about not-self. I hope it helped you see that Halloween may not be all that different from our lives everyday. We put masks on a lot and play roles all of the time. It’s not bad to do. It’s part of being human. But ultimately, part of being human is learning when to stop playing the role, take off the mask, and just be us. Exploring not-self is weird and a bit scary but it may offer you a chance at freedom too.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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