Mindfulness Lessons from The Philosopher’s Kitchen

This week, I traveled to a conference out of town. Due to the storms on the east coast, my flight was delayed and stressful. As I scanned my phone trying to find a way to make this situation less awful, I found a new documentary on Netflix that combines my two favorite things: mindfulness and cooking.

I quickly downloaded both episodes of The Philosopher’s Kitchen Jeong Kwan to watch during my flight. It did more than eat up some travel time. It was beautiful, refreshing, and full of reminders that even the busiest of lawyers can appreciate. Consider this post my recommendation for you to watch the show. Here’s why I loved it.

What Is The Philosopher’s Kitchen and Who Is Jeong Kwan?

In case you are unfamiliar, Jeong Kwan is a South Korean Buddhist nun and world-famous chef. She is an icon of Korean Buddhist Temple cuisine. This may sound like a small niche which appeals only to people like me who love mindfulness and cooking in equal measure.

In fact, Jeong Kwan’s skill in the kitchen has been praised for years. She was featured in Season 3 of Netflix’s Chef’s Table and has influenced numerous Michelin Star winning chefs. As you can see in The Philosopher’s Kitchen, Jeong Kwan clearly embodies her values as a Buddhist nun in her cooking.

The meals she prepares are vegetarian, used with local and often foraged ingredients, simple, and crafted with time and close attention. Watching Jeong Kwan work was certainly a nice change of pace for most lawyers. Here are the four mindfulness lessons I learned from the series.

1. Mindfulness and Simplicity

In mindfulness practice, one of the most common teachings you are bound to receive is to keep things simple. Of course, mindfulness practice often shows us lawyers that simplicity is easier said than done.

In our culture and profession, simplicity takes discipline and even courage. We are regularly encouraged to upgrade and increase, rather than scale back and reduce. The thought process underlying this tendency, of course, is that more is better.

Jeong Kwan shows us that this assumption is often wrong. Her dishes are simple in technique and execution. They usually contain only a few ingredients, usually rice, vegetables or tofu and they rely heavily on a small combination of seasonings.

Even so, Jeon Kwan makes food that people relish and enjoy. She demonstrates that food does not have to be complicated to be good and that simplicity allows the beauty of ingredients to shine through. This simple approach is a nice reminder for lawyers who so often deal with complexity.

Image of 5 star review of The Philosopher's Kitchen with quote shared from post "The Philosopher's Kitchen Jeong Kwan on Netflix is a good watch. It shows a different way of life that many lawyers may enjoy as a nice change of pace. It also offers inspiration for small ways we can all incorporate traits from our mindfulness practice into our everyday lives."

2. Limits Can Be Blessings

Another thing that stands out is how Jeong Kwan navigates limits. Many lawyers and, most Americans for that matter, don’t like limits. We sometimes see them as burdens or difficulties.

In the culinary world, limits are not always seen as positive either. How often have you seen a menu that boasts about size or quantity? How often have you been tempted by “endless” offerings or a long list of toppings? We all have. But if we are being honest this is not always healthy and it can get old.

In The Philosopher’s Kitchen, Jeong Kwan has many limits. She avoids meat and strives to avoid even killing plants in her dishes. She uses what is in season and available. She also does not use certain staples, such as garlic and onion, which are believed in Temple Cuisine to disturb the mind.

As you can see in the show, though, Jeong Kwan uses her values and training in mindfulness to greet these limits with creativity and a smile. She shows that it is possible to make delicious food with few ingredients if you appreciate each one.

3. Resourcefulness

One of the reasons that Jeong Kwan is able to handle the limits in her kitchen so well is that she is remarkably resourceful. As you would expect for someone living in Korea, Jeong Kwan is a master of fermented food. She is shown making her own soy sauce (ganjang), danjang (fermented soy bean paste), and kimchi.

But even the byproducts of these staples gets put to use. Jeong Kwan grinds the crystals formed in the soy sauce barrels into an umami-laced salt. She dries and then rehydrates greens into a special dish. And during the lean winter months, Jeong Kwan makes heavy use of seaweed to craft a variety of dishes for her temple community.

Most lawyers are expected to be good stewards of client resources at work. But how often in life are we as careful to make good use of the resources available to us? How often do we get a chance to not just use what we have, but to make what we have shine?

In mindfulness practice and in the kitchen, I have learned to frequently remind myself that “everything is workable.” Jeong Kwan shows with her cooking how this is really true.

Image sharing 4 traits of mindful chefs shared in the post, including "appreciate simplicity, navigate limits with skill, resourceful, and take their time."

4. Take Your Time

Of course, the biggest difference between Jeong Kwan and lawyers like us is time. As a Buddhist nun, Jeong Kwan’s life is certainly very different from the lives of most lawyers. In fact, the reason she is able to be so creative and skillful with limited ingredients is that she has a huge advantage: time.

But this distinction is not a criticism of the show. To the contrary, this difference may be the biggest reason why lawyers may want to watch it. Lawyers are in general time poor.

As I have experienced myself, this can lead us to believe that we are always in a rush and don’t have time for much of anything. Sometimes we need reminders to slow down that aren’t threats from frustrated loved ones or health scares.

The Philosopher’s Kitchen most likely won’t convince you to adopt Buddhist Temple Cuisine at home. But it might encourage you to slow down in the kitchen a little bit and make better use of the time and ingredients you have.

Or, if cooking is not your thing, it may help you see that doing almost any chore with clear attention and an open heart can make it more enjoyable. Either way, The Philosopher’s Kitchen shows us all that taking our time is an important way to enjoy life more.

The Philosopher’s Kitchen Is an Enjoyable and Valuable Watch for Lawyers Interested in Mindfulness

Even if you aren’t obsessed with mindfulness and cooking like me, The Philosopher’s Kitchen Jeong Kwan on Netflix is a good watch. It shows a different way of life that many lawyers may enjoy as a nice change of pace. Despite the clear differences between Jeong Kwan’s lifestyle and our own, the show also offers inspiration for small ways we can all incorporate traits from our mindfulness practice into our everyday lives.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Mindfulness in Crisis: How Titration Helps Lawyers Manage News Stress

I didn’t get a new post written last week. This time, my schedule is not to blame. I was home due to the massive snowstorm that plowed through my community and much of the United States. Instead, my only excuse was that I struggled to write because I was troubled by the news.

I try to avoid taking positions on the news in this blog. I don’t want to give people the wrong idea that mindfulness practice is restricted to a single political persuasion. It isn’t. But as a mindfulness teacher and a lawyer it does not feel right for me to pretend like political and social events don’t affect us. They do.

My point here is not to take a position on the events in the news. I do that via appropriate means in other ways. It is important to address the reality that the news cycle recently has been hard on almost all of us. In this post, I will share a mindfulness strategy that has helps me deal with the news: titration.

Two common solutions for lawyers trying to deal with the news.

There are two common forms of mental health advice when it comes to the news cycle. One camp suggests avoidance and self-preservation. The appeal of this school of thought is obvious. The news cycle recently and often in general is filled with violent images and stories of conflict.

Though these stories stir our emotions, they often relate to things outside of our control. This is a recipe for empathic overwhelm. Based on this, some people argue that we should turn off the news, stay off our phones, and focus on self-care.

Others take the opposite view. They tell us that we are scared and concerned for a reason. They urge us to find ways to act, to call our senators, raise our voices, make donations, or even attend meetings or protests.

This path does not offer the respite of the first, but it promises a greater sense of agency in the world. It also offers a use for all of the energy we are bound to feel watching conflict play out on the news. It could even help us feel less alone and more engaged in our community, especially it leads us to in-person experiences.

Can mindfulness offer lawyers a middle path?

As indicated above, there is wisdom in both of the approaches stated above, but there are also downsides. For lawyers, the downside of the self-care route may be that it could inspire guilt. It could also be really hard to actually relax and rest for too long, knowing that turbulence is happening in the world.

The downside of the engagement approach, of course, is that many lawyers may not feel safe to do so. Client opinion or law firm policies may prevent us from engaging with social or political issues as much as lawyers might like. Some lawyers may not have the energy or mental space to even face the news, let alone engage civically or politically in response to it.

Given the pros and cons for each approach, the mindfulness teacher in me reflexively looks for a middle way. After some struggle this weekend, I think I finally found my answer. The issue is not a true dichotomy between self-care and engaging with the world in turbulent times. Instead, it is possible to do both. A practice called “titration” provides a useful model.

The Mindfulness Practice of Titration

Titration is a mindfulness practice that allows us to approach difficult experiences slowly, gradually, and in manageable doses. A very common way of using this strategy in meditation practice is in response to powerful emotions or difficult bodily sensations.

The classical mindfulness directive is to allow the difficult experience to arise and be fully present with it. But for truly powerful emotions or painful sensations, though, this advice can leave us overwhelmed. For people with trauma or other conditions, this advice may be impractical.

Out of self-compassion and wisdom, then, we can instead learn to titrate by noticing small bits of the experience over time. To do this, you might notice the challenging emotion or sensation for a few moments. Instead of simply staying with that difficult experience, though, you would then shift attention to something pleasant or neutral as a means of rest and recovery.

When you feel ready again, you can return attention to the area of difficulty. This strategy is called pendulation, a specific variety of titration, because it helps you take small doses of a difficult experience instead of taking it in all at once.

Image with question asking what titration is and answer which says "Titration is a mindfulness practice that allows us to approach difficult experiences slowly, gradually, and in manageable doses. To do this, you might notice the challenging emotion or sensation for a few moments, then shift attention to something pleasant or neutral as a means of rest and recovery."

Why titration helps.

Titration is a great skill for lawyers for work and life in general. Many of us face times of high conflict and stress. Lawyers must often deal with people who present us with difficult circumstances and issues.

Titration offers us the ability to face the difficulties of life on our terms. It marries courage with self-kindness. It balances stability with flexibility. It gives us a real strategy for caring for our minds, hearts, and bodies as we engage with a sometimes challenging world.

As someone who has had anxiety most of my life, I have found that mindfulness practices like titration build a lot of confidence. Even though they don’t mean that I will never be afraid, they give me a road map to follow when fear arises.

This means I am allowed to be afraid because I have faith that I can manage it when it arises. If I can be afraid, that means I can do the things in life and work that I need to do. This translates to faith in myself and great confidence for managing my life.

How to apply the concept of titration to a challenging news cycle.

I know it sounds weird to say this, but you can apply titration to the news and world events too. With this practice, you can take the wisdom of the people advocating rest and self-care and combine it with the necessity of engaged citizenship.

With this approach, you do not have to shield yourself entirely from the news during difficult times. You can scroll social media, listen to or watch the news for the purpose of obtaining information. As you do, though, it is best to monitor yourself for how the news is affecting you.

If it is affecting your mood, behavior, or leading to compulsive doomscrolling, it may be time for a break. You also might consider caring for yourself with restorative practices, including exercise, calming strategies, or talking with a trusted friend.

Another strategy that I like is to take some small but productive action in response to what I see on the news. I may make a donation, research ways to offer help, or find ways to support a worthy cause. Then after I have done my part, I let go of the issue and turn my attention elsewhere.

Given how engrossing TV news and social media can be, it may be wise to schedule breaks or plan activities to avoid overwhelming yourself. This may mean scheduling time with other people, getting outside, or just leaving your phone out of arm’s reach.

Conclusion

There is never a lack of challenging information waiting for us on the news and social media. When times are particularly difficult, it can be tempting for lawyers and other professionals to take an all or nothing approach. We can either be sucked in by the neverending news cycle, which may lead to overwhelm. Or we can be tempted to check out in the pursuit of self-preservation.

This post is not intended to tell you how you should respond to the social and political issues you see on the news. Instead, it explains one strategy, titration, that may provide a way to balance self-care and engaged citizenship as we face turbulent times.

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5 Years of Blogging: Lessons Learned for Mindful Lawyers

Cover image for blog post with picture of birthday cake with candle in shape of number five and title "5 Years of Blogging: Lessons Learned for Mindful Lawyers"

I am really proud to say that I just celebrated five years of blogging. I started this blog in 2020 with little more than a vague notion that I wanted to write about mindfulness for lawyers. I was not sure I would be able to keep the blog going, but I did.

Here are the most surprising lessons I learned along the way.

1. Start with a Vision and Let the Plan Emerge.

Many people start a new goal and think a clear plan is an essential first step. I don’t disagree with this, but this could be an impediment for something new. When I started this blog, I knew a lot about mindfulness but I knew almost nothing about blogging.

What made me start was more of a vision. I knew that my mind was active and I need a place to share my thoughts. I also knew a lot about mindfulness and loved sharing about it. From experience, I also knew that there was a need for practical and accessible instruction for lawyers on the subject.

I did chart out a rough plan to get started. I planned to post weekly and created a few categories of posts to get me started, including:

Mindfulness Basics – posts teaching basic concepts and practices
Mindfulness in Action – posts illustrating how mindfulness works in practice
Brilliant Recommendations – book reviews and resource recommendations
Mind and Body – posts discussing body-based practices
Compassion Practices – posts emphasizing compassion and kindness.

At first, I stuck to this framework and I have on average stuck to my goal of writing weekly. Over time, I added more categories, resources, and meditations.

In other words, sometimes a vision is all you need to get started and a clearer plan can emerge with time.

2. Blogging Takes Some Discipline.

When I tell people that I practice law, teach mindfulness and manage a blog, they always comment on my discipline. While I have sometimes been skeptical about discipline, they do have a point.

In truth, much like mindfulness practice, discipline will not sustain a long-term habit like blogging. But that doesn’t mean it’s not important at all. Much like with mindfulness, I needed discipline to keep coming back to the practice.

There have been so many days when I did not feel like writing or told myself I could not think of a good idea. Then I made myself sit down for a little bit and at least try to write. And you know what? A blog post emerged. Over time, I kind of started to like this. I found it pretty magical.

That magic could not have happened without the small amount of discipline it took me to sit down and try. Discipline is not everything and should not be everything for a habit you mean to last for years but it matters.

3. Blogging Needs to Be Fun.

I have written before about the fact that mindfulness practice should ideally become at least a little bit enjoyable. Even with all the discipline in the world, I never would have kept blogging for 5 years if I wasn’t having some fun.

I love writing. It makes my mind feel better. It allows me to get some of my copious thoughts out of my head and provides much needed mental space. I also love sharing about things that light me up, whether it is mindfulness practices, good movies or music, or stories of amazing people.

There is no doubt that blogging is a ton of work. It required a lot of effort and time. But it also was fun for me to share my story and things I love and to watch something I built grow over time. Good habits require discipline for sure, but the best ones are also fun.

Image that says "celebrating five years of sharing mindfulness for lawyers! Thank you to our guest bloggers, readers, followers, and friends."

4. Good Habits Grow with You.

For good habits to stay fun, though, they have to change along with you. The thing about this blog’s five-year anniversary that makes me the most proud is that it really has grown with me. Change is something that most lawyers deal with frequently.

In the last five years, though, I experienced a lot. I had two job changes, I wrote 2 books and edited a treatise, and my daughters went from little kids to pre-teens. Because of this, I had to keep my blogging flexible.

There were times when I had to pause or take a break from writing. There were times when I wrote more because I had the energy. Part of the reason I think I made it to five years is that I let the blog have this level of flexibility.

5. The Best Habits Sustain You.

This is the thing that most lawyers don’t believe when I tell them. Blogging and writing in general give me more energy than they take. People always ask me how I find the energy to keep a blog going. Some of the answer is that creating things creates energy for me.

As I said, this blog has been with me through a lot of change. Some of the times in the last five years have been really hard. Though this blog takes a lot of effort, it also sustained me during those hard times.

For one thing, having a way to share beneficial things helped me avoid hopelessness when the the world was a challenging place. As a practical matter, much like I have written about when it comes to meditation, all the time I spent writing was time that I didn’t spend agonizing over work or my life.

In this way, writing on the blog gave me something to focus on besides the heavy parts of my life. Sure, I have to come back and face those parts eventually. But I could usually face them with a clearer mind and a fuller heart after spending a little time writing.

Conclusion

There are the lessons I have learned after blogging about mindfulness for five years. I am so glad that I got started and kept going even on the days that I wasn’t sure I could. Just like my mindfulness practice, writing helps me stay mentally healthy and teaches me so much. Thanks to all the lawyers, readers, followers, and friends who have supported the blog. It’s been a great five years and I hope I get to celebrate many more anniversaries in the future.

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Mindfulness and Your Top 5 Mental Patterns Revealed

Even if you aren’t a Spotify user, you probably heard about the Wrapped year-end reviews last week. Wrapped is a feature that summarizes the year in audio for Spotify users. It lists your top artists, top songs, and this year even provides a listening age.

As I heard friends and contacts share stories about this, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if our minds had a similar feature. What would it be like if, each year, we got a list of our top 5 mental patterns?

What If You Got a Yearly Report of Your Mental Patterns?

What if our minds generated some kind of fun video for us to watch and play back our inner audio over the past year? I can’t decide if I would want to watch this video or not. When it comes to music, it can be fun to reflect on the albums and songs that made your year. Thoughts and emotions, though, can be another matter.

In truth, learning about your mental patterns and repetitious thoughts is one of the principal benefits of mindfulness practice. Once you practice meditation enough, you can generate your own mental version of the Spotify Wrapped.

Mindfulness Can Help You Identify Your Top 5 Mental Patterns

Mindfulness practice may help you learn what your top 5 mental tendencies are. For instance, after more than 10 years of meditation, I know that my top 5 usually includes: (1) planning; (2) worrying; (3) wondering; (4) spacing out; and (5) writing. Seriously, my mind is often writing when I meditate whether I am trying to write something or not.

You start to catch repetitious nasty internal phrases. Again, mine include: (1) you aren’t good at this; (2) you will fail; (3) nobody likes you; (4) I’m so embarrassed; and (5) why doesn’t everyone recognize how amazing I am?

Meditation may even help you learn that emotional reactions are part of larger patterns. All my years meditating have helped me see that my top 5 challenging emotions are: (1) anxiety; (2) fear; (3) doubt; (4) anger (that’s hiding anxiety); and (5) loneliness/alienation.

On the flip side, mindfulness practices also helped me see that my top 5 positive emotions are: (1) generosity; (2) humor; (3) compassion; (4) courage; and (5) creativity. This means that sometimes meditation can help us see and embrace our wholesome qualities.

Image listing an example of top 5 mental patterns revealed by mindfulness practice as shared in the blog post

Seeing the Mental Patterns Is Hard but Worthwhile

Unlike the Spotify Wrapped, which usually may be fun or at least funny to see, reckoning with these inner mental and emotional patterns can more of a gut check. Even so, it is worth it because awareness that something has become a pattern provides important information.

1. You Can Take Them Less Personally.

First, seeing your patterns with mindfulness helps you to take things less personally. In the moment, our thoughts and feelings can seem to be really big and important. Mindfulness practice helps you see these incidents as part of a pattern. This helps you zoom out in terms of perspective. You can see an incident as a data point and watch for where your reaction leads instead of being mired in all the messy details.

2. You See How You Can Change the Pattern.

Second, this broader perspective produced in meditation can create the clarity needed to change the pattern. As I have written before, it is exceptionally hard to change habits and patterns. Yet, one of the things that can help us do so is by taking a good clear look at where they lead. Mindfulness can help us see this and it gives us the opportunity to take the steps to make a change.

3. You Gain Motivation to Change the Pattern.

Finally, seeing the reaction or behavior as a pattern helps you appreciate its impact. As I mentioned, changing habits is hard work. It takes discipline and thoughtfulness and a whole lot of self-compassion. In many cases, it can feel daunting even to try to make a change. But, when you see that something is part of a pattern, you can see that it’s not just a singular incident.

In this way, you can see the connection between your singular reaction and the broader state of your life. You can see how your behavior today leads to the circumstances you will face tomorrow and potentially for months and years to come.

Mindfulness Can Help You See Patterns and Change Your Life

As I shared above, I have always struggled with fear and anxiety. It arose in nearly every situation for me. To be honest, it still arises in many situations today. Mindfulness practice helped me see that my anxiety was not just the product of my immediate conditions, but was instead part of a bigger pattern.

Once I saw this, I was in a position to see how much anxiety detracted from my life and kept me from the things I wanted. This was a painful acknowledgement, but it is what motivated me, in very slow and small steps, to change.

For this reason, it is understandable why we all love to hear about our top song, artist, and album lists at the end of the year. Reflecting on our patterns can be a fun thing to do in the case of our music and media choices. It can remind us of the songs that made our years great or helped us cope with a challenging year.

Image that asks the sort of scary question "what would your top 5 mental patterns of the year be?"

At the Year End, Consider Noting Your Top 5 Mental Patterns Too

In the case our minds, taking stock of our patterns can be an interesting exercise too. When it comes to mental patterns and inner reactions, though, seeing things clearly can be a bit more complex. Unlike the Spotify Wrapped, noting the top thoughts or patterns that consume our mental energy can be a bit more challenging.

Even so, I think it is still worth it. Most of us will forget our Spotify Wrapped within a week after we see them each December. Once mindfulness practice helps you see your mental patterns, though, it is hard to forget what they are. It not only opens up new possibilities for change. It also creates a little more space for self-kindness.

At the end of the year, while you are compiling your top lists, it may be interesting to consider your top 5 mindfulness lists too. What occupied your mind most this year? What mental patterns were the most frequent for you? What common phrases played in your mind on a loop?

I don’t promise that reflecting in this way is as fun as seeing your Spotify Wrapped, but when viewed with mindfulness and self-compassion, it may open up fresh possibilities for the new year.

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Mindfulness vs. Ego: Finding Balance in a Digital World

Image of pawns with social media graphics with title "Mindfulness v. Ego: Finding Balance in a Digital World"

I spoke to a group of new law students this week and someone asked the best question about mindfulness and ego. I loved it because it showed a lot of courage and insight. The student asked me if mindfulness practice and blogging or social media are at odds because they contribute to ego.

The short answer I gave him is that this certainly can be a problem but it doesn’t have to be. I explained that anyone who writes or uses social media must learn some skills with managing their ego. And I explained how mindfulness practice can help with that.

After leaving the session, though, the question was still in my mind. It pointed to some fundamental questions about mindfulness and ego that I thought others might be asking. So in this post, I will explore mindfulness and ego a bit more deeply.

What Is the Ego?

Many of us use the word “ego” in conversation but we may not take the time to define the term. A common dictionary definition is “a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.” Most of us wouldn’t argue that a healthy sense of self-esteem is a good thing.

But when I hear the phrase “ego” uttered, it usually has a pejorative connotation. This is because, as most lawyers have observed, it is very easy to get an inflated sense of self-importance. In fact, our hyper-individualistic culture can contribute to this.

This is why it may be helpful to look at the psychological and clinical meaning of the ego. The Cleveland Clinic explains that it is the “part of your personality that helps you make practical, rational decisions.” It also supports your ability to:

adapt to your environment;
regulate your emotions; and
feel like yourself.

Viewed in this more neutral light, you can see that ego is a part of the human psyche that may serve an important function.

Image of dictionary definition of ego as stated in the post which is "a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance"

You Need a Healthy Sense of Self-Esteem

Given this, it would be a misunderstanding in my opinion to say that the goal of mindfulness practice is to overcome or eliminate the ego. In truth, as I have written before, I would be cautious about setting any specific goal for mindfulness practice at all.

Intention can be a wonderful guiding force to help motivate practice. Goals, however, often add a level of expectation that can undermine the cultivation of mindfulness.

In addition, high achievers like lawyers are encouraged to be cautious about pushing themselves too hard when it comes to self-improvement. If you are anything like me, you may need to learn to be kinder to yourself in meditation rather than more disciplined.

Along the same lines, some people may benefit from a more robust sense of self rather than a diminished one. This can include people with particular sensitivities, including histories of trauma or neurodivergence.

But It Helps to Get Clear about Your Life

With that said, mindfulness practices can help you explore the role of ego in your own life. As I have explained before, mindfulness practices are likely to help you explore the very concept of the self. Practicing mindfulness can help you see that “the self” to which you have grown accustomed is not a stable or static thing at all.

Taking time in your day to be present with your thoughts and feelings can give you an opportunity to become aware of patterns in your life. This can give you greater ability to notice, check, or even change some patterns that may not be ideal for you. It may also help you see the ways in which you are not separate from, but instead integrally connected with, others.

In many cases, you are bound to find (much like I have) that the ego is a present driving force in life. You may notice when a need to feel important or especially loved or better than others pushes you in ways that are not wholesome for you or other people. And even better, you may see ways that you can take care of your feelings and find greater connection with others in your life.

In all of these ways, mindfulness can help you understand yourself better, including the role of ego in your life. It can help you become clearer about your place in the world, so that you can navigate relationships more ethically. This can be a truly wonderful and life-changing part of the practice, but it is important to balance this inquiry with self-compassion.

Image of blog post author Claire E. Parsons with quote "Mindfulness practice doesn't mean we have to drop out of the world. It doesn't mean we can't pursue goals or things we love. It doesn't mean we have to change who we are."

Mindfulness, Ego, and Social Media

Given this clearer understanding, I want to return to the law student’s question to illustrate the concepts more clearly. The student asked whether things like blogging and social media are contrary to mindfulness practice because they can contribute to ego.

The operative word in this question is “can”. Most of us know that social media can certainly contribute to one’s sense of self-importance. We know that, depending on how it is used, social media is also associated with adverse mental health consequences and sometimes abhorrent conduct. Even if you aren’t a blogger, you may see how that can have the same effect. But I will say from experience that those things aren’t universally true.

For some people, blogging and social media might lead to unhealthy states of mind, like social comparison or perfectionism. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that those struggles sometimes happened for me. But I have learned to recognize when a striving attitude is taking hold and to give myself a break. I have adopted an attitude of fun and play when it comes to writing and the use of social media. I’ve also let go of expectations. If I have a goal, it is to share ideas and connect with others.

And in truth, I have had to learn how to navigate the negative aspects of social media too. I have had to learn how to not fight with strangers on the internet. I have hard to learn to state my opinions with humility and respect for the viewpoints of others.

In addition, I will be honest that blogging and social media have inspired a lot of humility in me. I have written so many things that never get read. I have had times where people criticize my writing. I have faced imposter syndrome so many times when I see talented people who do things better than me. In all these ways, blogging and social media have provided at least as many checks on my ego as they have provided temptations for it.

What Does This Tell Us about Mindfulness, Ego, and Pursuing Goals?

The big conclusion from all of this that most lawyers will care about is that I don’t think mindfulness practice means we have to get rid of our egos. Mindfulness practice doesn’t mean we have to drop out of the world. It doesn’t mean we can’t pursue goals or things we love. It doesn’t mean we have to change who we are.

Instead, mindfulness practice is really more about understanding ourselves more clearly so that we can engage in the world with greater kindness and skill. In this way, mindfulness practice is not inherently antithetical to the use of social media or to creating a robust body of work in the world.

The caveat here is that, of course, mindfulness practice should inspire you to watch the way you go about pursuing goals and crafting your body of work. It should cause you, at every turn, to consider the impact of these things on you as well as on the community around you.

If you practice mindfulness long enough, you inevitably will question yourself at times just like the law student questioned me. This part of the practice can sometimes be a gut check – or maybe an ego check – but it is one that has changed my life. And it is one that helps me stay honest on this blog and when I use social media. If you learn to make space for questions like these in your own mindfulness practice, they can change your life too.

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Understanding Perfectionism: Lessons from Season 4 of The Bear

Spoiler Alert: Read with caution if you haven’t finished watching Season 4 of The Bear yet. There are a few references to the end of season that some might consider spoilers.

“Mistakes.”

When I heard this word uttered in the latest season of The Bear, it cut like a knife. This single word accentuated the theme for the season: perfectionism. Carmy, the head chef and lead of the show, said it when his colleague and sometimes screaming match partner, Richie, asked him what he was thinking about after a grueling night at the restaurant.

With only a word, Carmy let all the perfectionists watching know exactly what he was experiencing. He was ruminating over his past failures. They were swirling in his mind. It’s fair to imagine they had been with him that entire day, screaming in his ear while he was trying to live his life. Fans of The Bear also immediately knew that they had been with Carmy a lot longer than that.

Perfectionism Can Be a Mistake

The surprising thing that you come to see later is that one of the mistakes that Carmy had to have been thinking about was perfectionism. In the episodes that follow this tepid bath of negative thoughts and self-recrimination, Carmy makes some positive steps forward. He scales back on his overly ambitious strategies. He eases up on his colleagues, Syndey and Marcus, enough to see that they have become masterful chefs. And he even apologizes to his girlfriend months after a panic attack caused him to flee the relationship and ghost her.

As I watched the season, I couldn’t help but see it as a mirror for my own life. I joked with my husband that watching this season in college would have saved me a whole lot of heartache over the years. Just like Carmy, perfectionism was never something I chose but it continues to be something exceptionally hard for me to stop. As the show illustrates, some of us are incentivized for our efforts to be perfect. This makes it very hard to see that perfectionism has its downsides too.

The Downsides of Perfectionism

Season 4 of The Bear shows us these downsides. It shows us how Carmy can’t enjoy success or relax with peace. It shows us how perfectionism can erode the relationships around us and wear down the people we love. It shows us that good results are a double-edged sword for perfectionists.

We may feel good for a moment, but as soon as that moment fades, we are thinking, often unconsciously, of how we can raise the bar higher. When that bar gets too high, and it always does, we crash and feel like failures. This can cause us to turn what we love into a grind, so that even the things we are good at suddenly feel hard.

The Bear Is a Realistic Depiction of Perfectionism

If you are thinking that I am telling you that Season 4 of The Bear is painful to watch, you are right. It was painful for me to watch, but only because it was so painfully true. I knew how easy it is to absorb perfectionism even if no person in your life consciously pushed it on you.

Even if we come from a loving family, the desire to be good and create something good can get twisted by what we miss or maybe by what we see too much in childhood. By the time we get out of school, our tendency to be organized, conscientious, and high performing helps us excel in demanding and intense professions.

And before we know it, we start to emulate the very behaviors we told ourselves we never would. We do this all with the noblest of intentions. We want to make something better, more decent, and gentler than we have ever had. It’s just that we never learned the skills to build this peaceful life we want.

The Good News for the Perfectionists Out There

It absolutely hurt to watch Season 4 of The Bear and to relive all the ways I have hurt myself and others in the process. The good news, for me and for all the perfectionists out there, is that the season has some light at the end of the tunnel. By the end of the season, Carmy has stopped thinking so obsessively about all his mistakes. He starts instead to face them and tries to learn how to avoid repeating them. He stops isolating himself. He gets out of his head. He leans on his friends and admits how he feels.

By the end of the season, Carmy is not fully self-actualized. It is a TV show after all and TV shows about peaceful people who have things figured out would probably not get very good ratings, let alone a slew of Emmy awards. Instead, the season ends with you questioning whether Carmy is once again running from goodness by threatening to leave the restaurant he founded and all the people there he loves. It may turn out that Carmy makes yet another huge mistake.

Mistakes Happen to Us All, Perfectionists Included

And you know what? He probably will. And so will I. I don’t know you, but I bet you will too if you are a perfectionist. Because perfectionism doesn’t leave us easily and for some of us it may never leave entirely. I’ll have to wait for Season 5 to know how it turns out for Carmy, just like I must wait for retrospection to arrive to know if my life choices were really the product of perfectionism. I’m going to keep rooting for Carmy, though, and hope he can learn that mediocrity is sometimes amazing, flaws are opportunities for connection, and you can learn to be okay with peace.

Until then, if you find yourself sitting at a table somewhere with only mistakes rolling around in your head, I hope a friend comes up and asks you what you are thinking about. I hope even more that you do what Carmy did and tell the truth even if all you can muster is a single word.

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Kendrick Lamar’s Super Bowl Show May Do More than Entertain

I am not a football fan but there is one team I am rooting for big time at the Super Bowl this year: team Kendrick and Sza. Yes, you got that right, I am going to watch the game for the halftime show. I did the same thing on Christmas Day with Beyonce and that did not disappoint.

As a kid who grew up in the 90’s, I have always listened to rap. My taste in music, though, tends to be eclectic so rap has never become my mainstay. Though I am late to the party on this one, I am a fan of Kendrick Lamar. I’m planning to see him on tour later this year and I am really excited to see what he does in the Super Bowl.

Kendrick Lamar Is an Insightful Musician

As I have written before, Kendrick Lamar does more with his music than offer beats and bops. He shares his struggles, his thoughts, and his critiques. He even faces issues, like mental health, that many other musicians wouldn’t touch.

Kendrick is riding high after his musical battle with Drake, his stint atop the charts over the summer and his recent sweep at the Grammy awards for “Not Like Us.” He also has a new album, released in December: GNX. (paid link) I thought the album was insightful since it appeared to be a reflection and an effort to reset after the diss track battle with Drake.

Kendrick Lamar’s Latest Album Offers Lessons about Anger

As a lawyer who sometimes gets into squabbles with others in my profession, I couldn’t get help but notice what Kendrick had to say on GNX with respect to anger. Though this latest album appeared intent on avoiding mentioning Drake by name, it clearly referenced the battle. More significantly, though, I thought it illustrated a few great strategies for moving on from anger. These include:

identifying what the anger is protecting;
remembering who you are;
recalling your place in community; and
letting go and having fun.

I was lucky to get a chance to write about this for my blogger friends at the Tattooed Buddha. You can check out the full article here.

Expect Kendrick Lamar to Put on a Great Show

Since fun and connection is an important lesson from Kendrick Lamar’s latest album, I hope you enjoy it. Concerts and sports are great opportunities for relaxing and connecting with community. If you look a bit deeper, though, sometimes performers offer insights and lessons that do more than provide a soundtrack for a party. I’m watchin tomorrow in eager anticipation because Kendrick Lamar is one of those artists.

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How to Stop Doomscrolling: 5 Essential Steps

As an anxious person, I have to be cautious about the amount of news I allow myself to consume. I try my best to focus on what matters most to my work and my community. When things are out of my control, I try my best to let go. Usually, this means I don’t allow myself much time for doomscrolling.

In the last few weeks, natural disasters, political tumult, and other challenges have caused my anxiety levels to rise. To some degree, this is normal. Change leads to uncertainty and uncertainty wants to be resolved. The siren song of the internet promising endless information and quick answers is hard to resist.

The thing is that doomscrolling usually leaves me feeling more confused and anxious and it is usually a huge waste of time. In case you are experiencing this now or ever struggle with it, here are five steps that may help you stop doomscrolling.

1. Recognize That You Are Doomscrolling.

The first step to ending doomscrolling may be the hardest to implement. Many lawyers and professionals often use the internet as a tool to address anxieties about our work. We may notice an issue, feel concerned, and take to the internet to gather legal authority or facts to solve the problem.

In my experience, doomscrolling starts much the same way. I come across something alarming and then I unconsciously start searching and clicking in the hopes of finding something to make me feel better. The problem, of course, is that the internet offers ready access to information but meaning can be harder to find. This means that the searching could go on endlessly and it is likely, and often does, raise more anxieties that will need to addressed.

So what are the signs of doomscrolling? It can vary for each of us but the salient features I have come to recognize are: sprawling or directionless searching, an investment of time with no meaningful return, and fear or anxiety.

2. Pause and Bring Awareness to What You Are Doing.

When you start to sense that you are doomscrolling, it can be hard to stop. In the midst of relentless searching, your mind may become scattered, race towards the future, and overwhelm itself with information. To disrupt the cycle, though, you can pause and return your awareness to the present moment.

One way to do this is to literally remove your hand from the mouse or put your phone face down or ideally out of reach. Close your eyes, take a breath, and notice how your body feels. Ask yourself whether the scrolling is helping or hurting. One question I often ask myself when I find myself mindlessly scrolling or clicking around is “what am I looking for?” If I can’t answer the question, it’s a great sign that it’s time move on to something else.

3. Identify and Acknowledge the Emotion Hiding Beneath the Scrolling.

If you are sure that you are doomscrolling but are struggling to stop, you may need to get up and away from your device and proceed right on to step 5. Assuming the temptation to keep scrolling is in check, however, I find it helpful to acknowledge what caused the doomscrolling in the first place.

As noted above, when doomscrolling is happening fear or anxiety is often involved. Even when I have a good sense of the emotion, though, I find it helpful to get more specific. For example, I may note or say to myself the specific fear or concern that started my scrolling. This helps me to honor my emotions and get some distance from them.

4. Take Care of that Emotion.

If at all possible, it helps to take one moment more to do something to care for the emotions that started the doomscrolling. Where possible, avoid judging yourself for doomscrolling or being afraid. The world is complex, information is all around, and life changes fast. Given how much information is available to us all, it’s easy to get sucked into an information anxiety loop.

Recalling this fact alone may help you see the common humanity in your situation and that of other people. This is an essential element of self-compassion that can help you care for the fear that may be lurking beneath the doomscrolling. I also find it to be empowering too. Even though I may be unable to solve all (or any) of the world problems my doomscrolling revealed, I find that I am at least able to take care for myself when I am afraid.

Image with 5 tips to stop doomscrolling that are shared in the blog post

5. Do Something Useful, Pleasant, or Kind.

It is not possible to tell your mind to not think of whatever caused the anxiety and prompted the doomscrolling. The mind does not work that way. What you can do with the mind, however, is shift attention to something else. In this way, you can care for your mind and your your emotions after doomscrolling by doing something else that engages your attention.

Since doomscrolling is emotionally challenging, generally negative, and often useless, the best antidote to it is to do the opposite. Find an an activity that is useful, pleasant, kind, or ideally all three of those things. Experience has taught me that movement, creativity, getting outside and away from technology, and real human contact are the most effective answers to doomscrolling. They remind me of my present moment reality, the people and things I care about most, and my power to do good even in an imperfect and confusing world.

Conclusion

Doomscrolling happens to the best of us but it can easily make a bad situation worse. Knowing how to recognize and stop doomscrolling is an essential skill for contemporary life and challenging times. With mindful awareness and self-compassion, you can stop doom scrolling, care for the fear that started it, and put your time and energy to better use.

If you need any additional strategies for staying calm in the midst of difficulty, check out the Coping Strategies for Difficult Times ebook.

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Inside Out 2 Reveals These 5 Truths about Anxiety

Cover image for blog post entitled Inside Out 2 Reveals These 5 Things About Anxiety

I saw Inside Out 2 last week with my kids. If I am being honest, though, I saw the movie for my own enjoyment as much as theirs. Pixar movies always make me cry but they usually make me think too. In this case, the movie made me think about anxiety and mental health.

Of course, I am no stranger to anxiety. I have had it for most of my life, though I didn’t know how to label it properly until well into my 30’s. For this reason, I am glad Inside Out 2 is helping kids (and adults) think and talk about anxiety.

Here are the five truths about anxiety that the movie illustrates well.

1. Anxiety is different from fear.

Inside Out 2 starts when the main protagonist, Riley, turns 13. The movie demonstrates this formative time by introducing new “characters”: Anxiety, Embarrassment, Envy, and Ennui.

Any Inside Out fans may find this odd, since Fear was already a character. As the movie correctly explains, though, fear and anxiety are different. Fear often relates to external situations, while anxiety relates to our inner experience.

In the film, Anxiety becomes obsessed with Riley’s social status as a way to manage her nerves heading to middle school without her two best friends. Though Fear sees some logic behind this mission, even he’s at a loss about the lengths to which Anxiety goes in pursuit of it.

The lesson for all of us watching, of course, is that anxiety and fear aren’t the same. They may arise for different reasons and lead to different consequences.

Image comparing anxiety and fear to shed light on what it means for our mental health

2. Anxiety wants control.

The next truth about anxiety in Inside Out 2 is hard to miss. Anxiety wants control. In the movie, Anxiety shows up and promptly commandeers Riley’s control panel. When the elder emotions we’ve come to know and love object, Anxiety bottles them up (literally) and ships them to Riley’s subconscious.

The tricky thing about Anxiety, though, is that she’s not a traditional Disney villain. She’s got a sweet vulnerability about her and she truly thinks she’s doing what is best for Riley. As we see, though, the quest for the “best” leads Riley to turn on her friends and behave unethically and inauthentically.

The resounding point made from all of this is that craving control is inherent to anxiety.

3. Control only creates more anxiety.

Anxiety quickly gets what she wants in Inside Out 2. She takes control and gets exactly what she wants. This should be the end of the movie, right?

Anyone who has experienced anxiety knows that, of course, this is wrong. Anxiety (the character and the emotion IRL) is never soothed by control. Instead, the more control anxiety gets, the more it craves.

As the movie shows, Anxiety assumes the control panel and immediately concocts schemes to get more control. She initially inspires Riley to raise in social status on her new team. When Riley finds a footing with new friends, Anxiety them pushes her to become the best on her team. Soon after, the goal escalates to the best in the team’s history.

In the end, Anxiety becomes so obsessed with schemes and effort that she creates a little spiral in Riley’s mind and a panic attack that leaves her frozen in fear. What this shows us is that what anxiety is often self-perpetuating. When anxiety gets more control, it is inflamed rather than pacified.

Image conveying the double bind created by anxiety which affects the mental health of many people

4. Letting go is the (super annoying) answer to anxiety.

I know it is truly obnoxious for a meditation teacher to tell a bunch of lawyers this, but the answer to anxiety is learning to let go. Fortunately for me, the people at Pixar seem to agree.

For some of us, it might have been satisfying to watch Joy, Sadness, Anger, and Disgust tag-team to knock Anxiety out, bottle her up, and jettison her to the subconscious. That’s not what happens though, probably because it wouldn’t really work.

Instead, to calm the spiral that Anxiety created, all the emotions circle around Riley’s sense of self and hold it. Riley breathes and calms herself as this happens. When she comes back to herself, she admits her anxiety to herself and her friends and begs forgiveness.

This part of the movie is far more cathartic and satisfying to watch than it is to experience in real life. Letting go is the hardest lesson that anyone with anxiety can learn. Still, the truth remains, that letting go and learning to be with anxiety (which may include help from others) is an answer to it.

Image with a quote that says Letting go is an answer to anxiety but it is one of the hardest things to learn

5. Anxiety is a part of life.

Since it is a kids movie, it’s not too much of a spoiler to say that Inside Out 2 ends on a happy note. Riley learns a life lesson. She takes a step forward into adolescence. And she seems to find some sense of peace as she navigates the tricky social system that is middle school.

The principal blocking force of the movie, though, is still there. Anxiety doesn’t go away at the end of the movie. There’s no guarantee that Joy will resume her place as the guiding force in Riley’s life. There’s no doubt that even more complicated emotions are poised to greet Riley as she gets older.

One can only assume that Anxiety will claim control again and, at times, wreak havoc. This is the last and, perhaps, hardest truth from Inside Out 2. For many of us, and definitely for myself, anxiety is not something that goes away. It’s a part of life for many of us.

If we are lucky, like Riley, we might be able to start recognizing how it shows up in our lives and where it leads us. We can then ease back, take a breath, ask forgiveness, get help, course correct, and then move forward.

Conclusion

Inside Out 2 may be a kids movie with a classic coming of age story about growing up. If you pay attention, though, the movie reveals truths about mental health for all of us regardless of our age. Though it is a cute cartoon family film about a young teenager, it offers lessons about anxiety, control, acceptance, and letting go that can benefit us all.

Want to try some meditation practices to help you hold and be with anxiety? Check them out here or on Insight Timer.

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Book Review: Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown

How many times have you lamented in stress or frustration that life doesn’t come with an instructional manual? It’s a statement that all of us from time to time have exclaimed when we don’t really understand what’s going on and we are just doing our best to get through it. Emotions are often like this. They come along every so often and we have no choice but to ride the wave.

Most of us like to pretend that we are in control of our emotions. Anyone in the business world, including lawyers, are now familiar with the importance of EQ (“emotional intelligence”). So, of course we know how to recognize and honor the emotions that come. Right?

As a meditation teacher, I’ll be the first to admit that this is far more challenging than it seems. That’s why I am really glad to tell you there is an instructional manual–or at least an encyclopedia–for emotions: Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience by Brene Brown.

Now, some of you may be skeptical about the need for a book that explains our emotions. You may think “I know when I am happy, or sad, or mad.” And I bet you do. Those emotions are pretty easy to recognize and differentiate. But are you clear about emotions like jealousy or shame or anxiety or loneliness? Can you tell the difference between sympathy, empathy, compassion and pity?

An image about the importance of understanding emotions and emotional intelligence

When I ask this question, I’m not requesting a dictionary definition alone. What I really mean is: can you recognize the signs of these emotions in yourself and in others? Can you also understand them well enough to know their causes, cures, and significance?

That’s what Atlas of the Heart offers. It categorizes the range of human experience and uses geographical terminology to help us understand them. Rather than defining emotions as a range of symptoms, the book is structured into chapters for clusters of emotions grouped by experience. Each experience is described as the “places we go” when things are uncertain, we’re hurting, or we search for connection.

Because the chapters cluster emotions in this way, it instructs the reader on the many flavors or shades of emotional experience. For example, it helps you understand the difference between envy and jealousy, or shame and guilt, boredom and frustration, and joy and gratitude.

Moreover, the book avoids a clinical perspective on these emotions. As a social scientist, Brown has usually focused on articulating lived experience. Thus, her book isn’t broken down into “good or bad” or “healthy or unhealthy” emotions. Instead, it covers the full range to help us understand and identify emotions at any stage in our lives.

Why does it matter if we can identify our emotions? I mean, haven’t I told you that emotions are in the body? Doesn’t this mean that they just need to be felt? In the direct experience, this is often true when we can tolerate them. As Brown explains in the book’s Introduction, though, “the ability to name this emotion or experience is essential to being able to process it in a productive and healing manner.”

An image with a review of Atlas of the Heart that can helps lawyers and professionals understand emotions better

This may be true for a number of reasons. Naming emotions helps us articulate them and ideally share them with others. As a meditator, I find even powerful emotions far less daunting when I can at least recognize them and understand what message they may be trying to convey. Finally, it is really helpful to understand the variety of emotions so I can look for them in others who may not be in a position to name their emotions for me.

If you want this kind of understanding, Atlas of the Heart is worth a read. If you’d rather watch, there is one season of a TV show by the same name but as of yet the show only covers about a third of the chapters from the book. Though I am usually an audiobook listener, I got the hardback as a birthday gift and love having the print copy available as a reference tool.

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