Thanksgiving is coming up in a few days. This holiday is one that is pretty easy for me to love because cooking and eating are two of my favorite things. You get to do both on Thanksgiving and you only have to spend one day with your extended family. Seems perfect, right?
Oh yeah, I forgot about gratitude. In some form or fashion, you may be asked to reflect on or proclaim your gratitude. I don’t doubt the myriad studies that say gratitude is good for us. I appreciate the need to express and receive gratitude. But, as a lifelong pigheaded person, I refuse to feel something on demand.
Forcing Gratitude Doesn’t Work
Honestly, it’s not even truly refusal. I could decide to go along with the little game of gratitude to amuse my family or shut them up. But I would know in my secret heart of hearts that I don’t really feel grateful. What I really feel is resentful.
But can I cultivate gratitude otherwise? Despite my mental and emotional blocks against fakery, I have discovered a hack. I have written many times about my fondness for loving-kindness practice. One of the reasons I love this practice so much is that it serves as a gratitude practice for me.
This is why I am sharing a gratitude meditation that is really a modified loving-kindness practice. It follows the same traditional pattern, but instead of wishing the phrases of peace and well-being it includes an offering of gratitude. I did this one for a Mindfulness in Law Society Virtual Sit and remembered how much I liked it.
To try out the practice, find it here or on our YouTube channel or on Insight Timer. Please have a wonderful holiday weekend. I am honestly and sincerely grateful to have you as a reader and meditation friend.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, A New Year’s Present, to learn about mindfulness from a heartwarming story. For a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days, try How to Be a Badass Lawyer. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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I never used to ask for help. Like at all. For most of my life, I would struggle mightily on my own for hours. I’d wade in self-doubt, angst, and worry until some unwitting person happened upon me. So overcome by pity and confusion, this person would practically force help on me.
In situations like this, a part of me would be glad to get some support. Clearly, I needed it. Usually the helpful person would see something I hadn’t, have an expertise I didn’t, or at least calm me down enough that I could think again. Even so, being in this position of vulnerability caused me to feel something else too: shame.
There’s No Shame in Asking for Help
Shame at what, you might be wondering. Just for needing help? Of course, the answer to that question, justifiably scoffing as it is, is yes. I used to feel ashamed to ask for help and certainly to need help. Ugh. Even the words “need help” sounded so piteous to me then that I couldn’t bear to think they referred to me.
I am here to officially declare that I have changed my mind about help. In truth, help is not something to be ashamed of at all. Help, knowing when you need it and having people to ask, is something that should make any lawyer exceedingly proud.
Asking for Help Usually Shows Self-Awareness and Wisdom
Think about it. Asking for help implies a few things that any smart, capable professional ought to be thrilled to announce to the world. First, knowing when to ask for help requires two important traits: (1) self-awareness; and (2) wisdom.
Though nobody, especially lawyers, likes the experience of acknowledging our own limits, few would argue that being aware of one’s limits is a bad thing. In fact, most lawyers would readily admit that they have seen disastrous consequences for lawyers and professionals who lack the ability to see themselves clearly.
Wisdom is related to self-awareness but it implies more than a present moment awareness of oneself. Instead, wisdom only exists when one is aware of lived experience over time. Knowing when to ask for help requires wisdom because we have to judge when collaboration serves us better than individual action alone.
Asking for Help Means You Have Someone Helpful to Ask
Another reason why asking for help should make you proud is that doing so implies something most lawyers would want to brag about: a solid network. Think about it. If you ask for help, you are probably going to be asking someone with a talent, position, or expertise you don’t have.
Inherently, this implies that you are connected and on good terms with talented, powerful, kind, and prosocial people. This is something to celebrate and to relish. In fact, this is very reason that most lawyers take pride in cultivating good networks. We do so because networks can help us in many ways that most of us could never predict.
Asking for Help Increases Connection and Happiness
Hard as it was to face this feeling, I eventually came to see that this small act of vulnerability was a way to cultivate trust. Even to this day, it still feels awkward and desperate when I ask for help, but when I get it I always feel a warm glow. That warm glow is a connection to someone else and the feeling of support.
If you struggle with asking for help, you aren’t alone. This is a reality for most lawyers. Even if facing every problem alone is your default setting, you can change this habit over time. Remembering that asking for help is a sign of strength is a good place to start. Next time you start to feel ashamed at the thought of needing help, flip the script. Knowing when to ask for help and having someone to ask aren’t signs of weakness; they are clear signs of strength.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, A New Year’s Present, to learn about mindfulness from a heartwarming story. For a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days, try How to Be a Badass Lawyer. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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I was fortunate enough to receive an award this week. Of course, it was a wonderful experience for many reasons. Who doesn’t like recognition? As a mindfulness teacher, though, I couldn’t help but observe the impact of such recognition on my ego.
When it comes to mindfulness practices, many people assume that the practices require us to abandon our egos. This may be part of the reason why some, including lawyers, think meditation is woo-woo or not for them.
Of course, there is variation in how different teachers and traditions treat the ego. I, for one, don’t think the ego is the enemy in meditation practice or in life. But having meditated for more than ten years now, I also know the ego is not always our bestie either.
So, how can you find balance when it comes to your ego and how can mindfulness help? Here are the steps I took this week to check my ego but also embrace myself while accepting an award.
The Ego and Achievement Aren’t All Bad
If you meditate long enough, you inevitably will see times when your ego is out of control and creating problems for you. It may rage at you when things don’t go your way. It may push you to work extra hard for approval or achievements. It may encourage selfish or unkind behavior.
For many of us, myself included, meditation may have a moderating influence on these tendencies. It may help you see the times when you are becoming self-absorbed or striving too hard. Easing back from these habits of mind may help you build confidence, expand your perspective, and live a bit more selflessly.
But you don’t have to rid yourself of all striving and ego. Pursuing goals can lead us to great things and other wonderful people. It can ground us in our community and help us serve others. Meditation can help you tell the difference between these two extremes so you can stay on the middle path of pursuing good without losing yourself in the process.
Reflection on Growth Is a Good Thing
One great thing about awards is that they may cause you to look back and reflect on progress. I certainly had that experience this week because the award I got related to a program I did in high school. Clearly, this means that I had to consider some good and bad memories from my life.
Mindfulness practices can certainly help with this. Self-compassion can help us accept ourselves completely even in our times of human frailty. It can also help us see the ways that growth emerged for us, including the people who helped us and the experiences that changed us.
Noticing the ways our personality shifts and changes over time is perfectly consistent with meditation practice. One of the foundational principles of Buddhism that many meditators are bound to observe is the concept of not-self. Reflection upon receiving recognition may be another occasion to consider this.
Feel Real Gratitude
We have all seen one too many posts on LinkedIn that start with a hollow proclamation of being “humbled and honored” for some recognition. This trope, though, doesn’t have to be the norm. The truth is that nobody who gets an award or achieves anything big did it all on their own.
Getting a recognition is a time to feel proud of yourself, but it’s also a great time to feel truly grateful. This leads to another fundamental principle that meditation may help you discover: interconnection. If you earn a recognition, reflect on this fact. Identify the people who helped you and the ways that they supported you.
Take the time to reflect on what this meant to you. If you need help with this, check my Gratitude Guided Meditation on YouTube or Insight Timer. Then, if possible, share your feelings with them. By doing this, you are moderating the emphasis on yourself and broadening the focus to your community.
Put the Achievement to Use
Another way to expand a recognition outward is to use it for a good purpose. Frequently, award recipients get to make acceptance speeches. They may get other attention from their community or even the press. If you get a chance like this, put it to good use.
Your recognition could bring attention to a worthy cause or idea. It could also offer a golden opportunity to encourage others to get involved in the community. Or it could provide an opportunity to share a brief story that may touch people’s hearts or make them think in a new way.
If you want to avoid making an achievement all about you, then focus on your broader community even in accepting the recognition.
Keep Things in Perspective
Recognition and praise is something we all want. As such, it would be easy for anyone to get stuck in ego-driven rumination when recognition comes. This is where letting go becomes a necessity.
It is really nice to be recognized for hard work, longstanding dedication, or a job well done. After the recognition ends, though, life returns to normal. That’s why perspective matters. Awards might boost us up for a bit, but nothing boosts us forever.
When recognition comes, enjoy it and savor it but don’t get stuck in it. Feel good for a moment and notice how important recognition is for all of us. Then move on with life and look for opportunities to boost and recognize someone else.
Conclusion
We don’t have to strive to rid ourselves of our ego with our meditation practice. As social beings, recognition is a human need. However, when recognition comes mindfulness can help us stay steady and use it as an opportunity to expand ourselves, rather than becoming self-absorbed.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, A New Year’s Present, to learn about mindfulness from a heartwarming story. For a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days, try How to Be a Badass Lawyer. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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There are few things in life as satisfying as typing out a strongly worded email to someone who’s got it coming. Or maybe you have a colleague driving you nuts, so nuts in fact that you think a text message containing all your anger is the way to go.
As soon as you read these words, you probably see the error in this line of thinking. Yes, letting it all hang out in text or email may seem like a great idea at times. The moment we hit “send” on those messages, though, we are bound to feel something more akin to shame, regret, or even guilt.
Can mindfulness help us avoid this trap? Indeed, it can. Keep reading to learn how.
Why we need mindfulness when it comes to text and emails?
As I have written before, mindfulness is a faculty of mind for most humans. We generally don’t have to do anything extra, including special practices, to be mindful. With that said, when it comes to email and text, some extra help is frequently needed because those activities are so often mindless.
Consider how many text messages, personal messages, and emails you send in a given work day. If this number is large, and for most of us it is, then your use of these means of communication most likely is a habit. Habits aren’t bad, of course, but when there are habits there may be less conscious awareness.
Text messages and emails can be generated quickly and outside of the presence of the person with whom you are communicating. Doing things speedily rarely makes us more ethical. Less contact with others often implies less empathy and fewer options for establishing understanding.
What it means to respond to emails mindfully.
When I talk about responding to emails or text messages mindfully, I am talking about invoking the faculty of mindful awareness to support skillful communication. On a practical level, this means taking measures to counteract the risks stated above: slowing down the process, remembering our human connections, and choosing your response consistent with your values and ethics.
Here are five steps that can help you do this.
Mindful Step 1: Take a Pause
As noted above, emails and texts are dangerous because they are fast. They can quickly elicit emotion from us unless we have time to recognize it. Nasty emails and texts are likely to invoke the emotion anger, which often manifests as a burst of energy. One of the calling cards of anger, of course, is an urge to act immediately on that energy.
If you receive emotionally charged emails and texts, the first and best mindful step I can offer is to stop. Take a pause and, where possible, get away from your messaging device. Literally get up and back away from the computer or put your phone down. It doesn’t have to be for a long time. The point of this is to stop the chain reaction between your screen and your mind and body and give yourself a chance to choose your next step.
When you take a moment to pause, check in with yourself and acknowledge your feelings. This may show up with a multitude of thought reactions about the situation, the other person, or even yourself. It likely will also include the physical signs of emotion, including tension in your body, a faster heart or breath rate, or even heat in your face and neck.
You don’t have to make these things go away. Instead, you can note them in mindful awareness and offer yourself compassion for dealing with something hard.
Mindful Step 3: Get Help
This next step isn’t mandatory, but it may be a good option for challenging communications that are critical, recurring, or more deeply troubling. I’ve talked before about the “spotlighting” effect of empathy that can cause us to zero in on a particular person’s emotions. From experience, I know that this can happen with email and text communications.
One way to break out of this and get much needed perspective is to talk with a colleague. With this, I am not saying you need to ask the colleague to intervene in the communication. Instead, my suggestion here is to speak with a colleague as a sounding board to get a broader view and personal support.
I know many of us want to be independent, but I frequently check in with colleagues when dealing with difficult opposing counsel. It makes the experience less overwhelming and lonely. I also feel more confident that I am responding based on my judgment and not my resentment.
Mindful Step 4: Invoke Common Humanity
Whether we like to acknowledge it or not, the humanity of the other person is present in all of our digital communications. I put this step next to last for a practical reason: it’s hard to recognize someone else’s needs when we are struggling.
Now, you may wonder about why you should care about the humanity of someone who just sent you a nasty diatribe via email? There are a few answers on this, but my best one is that it is usually better for everyone when we do so. Even from a very selfish perspective, most of us feel guilt and shame when we act in ways that are inconsistent with our values.
Email wars can cause us to forget basic values easily, but most of us want to to help and serve others in our work. Most of us do not want to harm and hurt others. A simple way we can do this is to remember that the person we are communicating with is a person with hopes, fears, dreams, and needs. Remembering that they are a person and not just an email or text troll can make it easier to choose our words wisely.
Mindful Step 5: Plan Your Response
This tip is less about drafting techniques than it is about the arc and meaning of your professional life. The plan I am talking about here simply means to ask yourself what your purpose with the communication is. This can raise deeper questions regarding your purpose in life, including at work, or your purpose with a particular matter.
It’s not necessary and it would be inefficient for you to expect crystal clear answers on these issues every time. Even so, asking yourself simply “what do I want here?” or “what purpose does this communication serve?” is a good start. Asking these questions is a way to reorient towards your values, meaning, and ethics so that it can guide your communication.
Conclusion
Copious and unpleasant digital communications are an unfortunate part of life for many lawyers and professionals. They can make our lives more stressful and pull us away from our deeper values. As with many things, an intentionally mindful approach can help. By slowing down, acknowledging our emotions and the needs of others, we can remember and reorient to effective communication that does not cause more harm. This can make our work lives better, less stressful, and more meaningful.
If you need a practice to help you go through these steps, check our our Guided Meditation for Responding Mindfully to Nasty Emails on Insight Timer or here:
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, A New Year’s Present, to learn about mindfulness from a heartwarming story. For a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days, try How to Be a Badass Lawyer. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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I got up at 3:30 AM last week to catch a flight to New York City with my family. It was going to be a really long day. We had sightseeing and a Broadway show planned. Unfortunately, I’ve never been able to sleep on planes, trains, or automobiles. Lucky for me, though, I had another plan: I knew I would be able to meditate on the flight.
Meditation is no substitute for good sleep.
Trust me, I am the last person in the world to try to convince you that meditation is a good substitute for sleep. The impetus for my own meditation practice was postpartum depression, in part induced by intense sleep deprivation while trying to breastfeed my newly born daughter. That experience taught me many things but the most important may be that sleep is a nonnegotiable for me.
Regardless, the reality remains that sleep is not always an option. As a lawyer, I frequently have deadlines or a hectic schedule that can affect sleep. Even when we make the best choices we can, insomnia happens on occasion for a variety of reasons beyond our control.
When sleep is not an option, meditation can help.
In times like these, meditation can really help. On days after a less than ideal night of sleep, I find that a few minutes of meditation really helps me. For one thing, closing my eyes helps them rest and can ward off headaches and tension in my face and neck. Reducing my heart and breath rate also helps my body recover from the extra strain of slogging through the day on limited sleep.
I won’t claim that 10 to 30 minutes feels the same as a good night’s sleep, but it is close to the benefits one might expect from a power nap. Unlike a nap (a luxury my body rarely lets me enjoy), meditation doesn’t leave me feeling groggy the rest of the day. To the contrary, meditating for a quick rest during the day often feels energizing.
Meditating for rest can improve your mood and mindset.
Even if I don’t get a big energy boost from meditation, it offers other benefits. Mediation will usually stabilize my mood and mind. This usually means less grouchiness and generally less conflict with any people I may happen to encounter. This can even include myself.
Many lawyers like me may have a habit of pushing past or through our own needs. Taking a few minutes to meditate for the express purpose of resting–instead of improving yourself or boosting performance–is an important recognition that your needs matter. Most of us need reminders like this every so often. When life throws you lemons with too much business or not enough sleep, you make lemonade by taking the opportunity to practice rest.
Conclusion
Some of us who meditate may think the practice has to have some noble purpose. I have a noble purpose for my meditation practice: I practice to create less suffering for myself and others. But, you know what? I am pretty awful at reducing suffering for myself or anyone else when I am tired. And I bet that I’m not alone.
This is why I say that it is okay to meditate just for rest. It’s okay to let go of your noble purpose and big goals, at least for a few minutes. It’s okay to rest your eyes and body and give your mind a break. If you try it out on a hard day, I bet you’ll find that this use of meditation is perfectly consistent with your nobler purposes for the practice.
If you want to try some Guided Meditations with the aim of rest of mind, check these out on Insight Timer or here on Youtube:
Focusing on progress with mindfulness practice is not without its risks. It is easy to get sidetracked from the daily work of practice by obsessing about one’s growth and all the benefits practice has bestowed. If taken too far, this could lead to frustration and impatience or, on the other hand, arrogance and malaise.
Even so, it is worthwhile from time to time to consider progress and growth. As a blogger, I have intentionally celebrated milestones whenever possible to maintain my own motivation. I started this blog on my own and, though it has certainly helped me develop community, the daily work of writing can be a lonely business.
A Confluence of Milestone Moments
For this reason, I was fortunate over the last few days to have a confluence of milestone moments. Much like the recent eclipse, the conjunction of all of these things lining up together made me stop and take notice. So what were these milestone moments?
The first one is that this is the 200th post on the blog. As my fav Peloton instructor might remark on a milestone ride, nobody does anything 200 times by accident. This is a meaningful recognition for me since most of my experience with this blog felt like an experiment.
I enjoy building things. I’m meticulous by nature and I am comfortable going step by step. When I launched this blog in December, 2020, though, I didn’t have a clear idea about what I was building. At the time, the blog was an act of celebration and an acknowledgement of how much I enjoy writing.
Celebrating 200 Blog Posts
All this time, I have managed the blog while raising two girls, managing a law practice, and teaching mindfulness and compassion. Given this context, managing to generate content consistently often felt like a game of keeping a helium balloon in the air. I had to keep tapping away or the balloon would fall.
In fact, for a period I let the ball drop so that I could focus on writing my first book. Getting to 200 posts feels good because I was able to get back in the game. I’ve often been worried that life would happen and my writing would stop. Now I see that my writing is part of my life.
A Blast from the Past
The next item that spurred reflection was not truly a milestone, but instead a blast from my past. In 2020, just a few months before I launched the blog, a woman named Janice Windt profiled me for her blog about working moms. In the post, I shared about my history with postpartum depression and how cultivating self-compassion helped me heal and thrive.
Janice reached out last week to check in because she was reactivating the series. I checked the old post and saw the date–August, 2020. I immediately recognized this as the time just before I became certified as a meditation teacher and launched the blog.
It was pretty fun to catch up with Janice and send her an update on all that has happened in the last four years. Sometimes we don’t know how small steps might affect our lives when we take them. It was nice to have a chance to think about how much can come from putting a little energy and time into a new idea.
Sharing My Story with Friends
The last milestone moment is my favorite because it was celebrated with friends. I got to deliver a dharma talk for my local meditation community this past weekend. For those who aren’t familiar, this is lecture about Buddhism in community, similar to a homily at mass.
I was nervous to give the talk since I had been only an occasional visitor to the community and wasn’t sure how someone with a variety of influences might be received. As I spoke, though, my fears vanished. The group was engaged and we had such good discussion afterward.
The Call to Help Others
And what do you suppose was the theme of my talk? It was called “Stumbling onto the Bodhisattva Path.” It was inspired by The Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva, a classical poem that is well worth a read and in-depth study.
A bodhisattva is someone who trains in mindfulness and compassion in order to alleviate the suffering of others. Many of us who are brought up in the Christian faith may hear this and think it is essentially a saint. The point of my talk is that helping others is more ordinary and available to us all than we may think. It can even come as a surprise on the journey of life.
With this post, I am celebrating progress because hard work and dedication deserves a celebration. I won’t let this reflection distract me for too long from my daily work, though. The daily work of meditation, teaching, and writing is where I have found the connection that is my biggest reward.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, A New Year’s Present, to learn about mindfulness from a heartwarming story. For a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days, try How to Be a Badass Lawyer. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:
“Why am I even doing this?” This question is one I have asked myself during meditation repeatedly over the last several years. I asked it yesterday, on a beautiful Saturday morning, on the first walking meditation session of a half-day retreat.
I could have been doing any number of other things. The lovely weather offered a perfect opportunity to clean up my yard. I also have been meaning to take my kids to the museum to see a new exhibit. Like most lawyers, I had a selection of work and meditation teaching-related tasks waiting for me.
But I had chosen to spend the better part of a day sitting and walking in silence. Given all the other choices before me and the fact that time was so precious, the question “why” naturally arose. The fact of the question didn’t surprise me. The tone underlying it did.
This time, after years of practice, hundreds of hours of training, and many more meditation retreats, the question finally appeared as a real question. When it arose, I felt the curiosity behind it. It allowed me to consider the facts with an open mind, instead of retreating into self-defense.
So, as I walked, I considered why I had decided to come to this particular half-day retreat. I’d made the decision to attend in the preceding days when I had the sense that I “needed” some extended time for meditation. The weeks prior had been busy, to be sure, with many activities that an introvert like me finds draining.
Retreats Are a Chance to Put Your Identity Down
This provided some of the answer, but I knew there was more to it. My busy couple of weeks was also embedded in a transitional series of months. I had started a job with a new firm in January. It was a good change but a big one. As someone with a history of anxiety, change of this nature causes a lot of worry.
While I walked, I noticed something amazing: I was not worrying at all. I also realized that I had not worried during the first full sit or the drive to the retreat site. This was remarkable because downtime–moments not filled to the brim with activity–is when my worry tended to arise. Here I was, though, with planned hours of downtime and I was doing just fine.
When I noticed this fact, I smiled because my “why” was immediately apparent. I had gone to the retreat to rest in the deepest sense of the word. Now that I have practiced meditation for a while, I am comfortable sitting and letting my thoughts go. I can get distance from them and let them float and bounce around. I trust that with time they eventually will stop and my mind will settle.
Meditation Can Offer a Rest from All the Worry
What this means, then, is that retreat offers me an extended period to set my worries down. For a few hours (or days when I can afford it), I can set my identity aside. This allows me to just notice what is happening in my mind and body and present moment experience. In doing so, worry stops because it is entirely useless and irrelevant.
Of course, this does not mean that worry stops for all time. Anxiety for me, like many other lawyers, has been a lifelong friend. I have no doubts it will return. But when it does, I know from experience that the terror it used to invoke will be missing. Prior to meditation, anxiety was more than a dreadful feeling and a head filled with dire thoughts. It was something I never thought I could escape.
When I started meditation, though, I learned that I didn’t have to escape. Instead, slowly and surely I began to face my anxiety. I broke it into pieces and noticed the thoughts, body sensations, and emotions one by one. Then I learned to interpret what, if anything the anxiety was telling me. Usually, it was just saying “I’m scared” or “there’s something I can’t control and that makes me feel unsafe.”
Ending Worry Means Facing Fear with Kindness
At this rock bottom stage, I unexpectedly found power. When I accepted my feelings of fear and vulnerability, I then could practice self-compassion and care for my feelings. This is what allowed me to just sit with anxiety because I had learned to trust myself to hold it with kindness.
So, why spend a beautiful Saturday cooped up at a silent meditation retreat? To put it simply, it’s a chance to take a break from normal life and go back to the very basics. Retreat is remarkable because it is a chance to practice just being with life exactly as it is. For me, this has usually meant a return to my normal life with less worry and more kindness.
At the end of the retreat, when all of my why questions had been answered, we ended with a guided loving-kindness practice. This practice had been a favorite of mine for a long time. This time, the leader started us off by cuing us to think of an image or person who inspired compassion in us. The most shocking thing happened when the image that came to my mind was myself.
Practicing Kindness Can Help Us Face Life
Like most lawyers, self-compassion was something I’d always had to work to cultivate. My own image didn’t come to mind, though, because I am naturally mild and magnanimous. I knew it was, instead, a recognition of my stubbornness. All the worry over the last few weeks had proven something meaningful: that I wouldn’t give up on myself.
I had been a bit exasperated with all my worries, but I had never turned on myself. Instead, I relentlessly (even if not effortlessly) tended to my fears with self-care and sought support from others. With far less angst than in years past, I did what any kind person would do for another person in need of support. In doing so, I had become my own source and image of compassion.
This recognition was a beautiful way to end the retreat and a sign that I was ready to pick my identity back up. Because I had a chance to set it aside for a while, it didn’t feel so heavy. Resting from my worries helped remind me I could face them again when needed. Reconnecting with compassion reminded me I had the tools, in myself and others, to face life as it is.
Conclusion
So why should lawyers or other professionals take time out of their busy lives to sit and do nothing at a retreat? Because doing nothing provides a unique opportunity to see how life really is or at least how it can be when we aren’t lost in thoughts and worries. It’s a chance to set identity aside, rest from anxiety, doubts, and fears, and reconnect with simple kindness.
Meditation retreats are not easy and not exactly fun. They can be a challenge for lawyers to schedule and attend. Despite this, I love attending meditation retreats because I usually gain insights and always feel lighter at the end.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, A New Year’s Present, to learn about mindfulness from a heartwarming story. For a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days, try How to Be a Badass Lawyer. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:
We just finished Well-Being Week in Law. One of the biggest struggles for many lawyers when it comes to well-being is stress. Even though our jobs are very stressful, many lawyers never learn good strategies for stress management.
To be sure, I believe in a holistic approach to stress management. As I have written before, change is needed in workplaces, our culture, and in the legal profession when it comes to mental health. Firms and companies should consider the overall impact of their policies and practices on employee mental health. In addition, lawyers in a position of power to reduce or avoid stress for ourselves or others should certainly do so.
Why Individual Stress Management Can Help
The thing is, though, that not matter how good our workplace policies or personal practices, stress always happens. It is a function of life. For lawyers, too, the challenging circumstances in which we often work play a big part. As a result, it is a good idea for lawyers and others in stressful jobs to understand stress and learn good stress management skills.
In part, this is because the way we respond to stress can have a huge impact in how it affects us. When we respond with awareness and self-kindness, we can learn approaches that work better for us and help us treat others better in the midst of stress.
Stress Management Is Not Doing It All on Your Own
That is one reason I speak and teach about stress management for lawyers and other professionals. Of course, as an introvert, I know that group discussion is not the only way to gain insights. Sometimes personal reflection may help us learn about ourselves too.
For those who want to consider stress management for themselves, I developed the Stress Management Workbook. It will help you bring awareness to practices and habits around stress and consider other ways of responding to it. Of course, social supports and help (including from trained professionals) is a huge element of stress management. Do not take this resource as a sign to manage stress all on your own. Instead, use it as a tool for fostering better connection with yourself and others.
Where Can I Get the Workbook?
To get the workbook, follow the link here, enter your email address, and download. That’s it.
While you’re at it, you can check out our other downloads for:
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, A New Year’s Present, to learn about mindfulness from a heartwarming story. For a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days, try How to Be a Badass Lawyer. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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I’m not stranger to soul-sucking things. After all, I am a lawyer. But when I got on the scale at a recent doctor’s visit, I knew I was in for another one. From years of experience going off the deep end with control issues, I have learned to be skeptical of numbers.
I knew the number on the scale didn’t correlate to my self-worth. I was on guard against the diet industrial complex’s ploy to make me place moral value on my weight. I’m an accomplished, self-respecting, grown ass woman for heaven’s sake. The number on the scale doesn’t define me.
All of this is true, but as soon as I saw the number I knew what I had to do. You see, even though life experience had told me to cautious against letting a scale push me around, I also had some other life experience to consider. Life experience, and medical advice, had given me an ideal weight range. The number I saw on the scale was about 15 pounds above that.
The Reckoning with Truth
I’m tall so this is not a huge amount, but it was enough that I had noticed it. I could see it in pictures. I could feel it in my energy levels. I noticed that some of my workouts were a little harder and some of my clothes fit a little less well. Thus, seeing the number just confirmed what I already knew: it was time to get back in shape.
The clarity of this conclusion, though, didn’t make me hate it any less. In fact, that is probably why I avoided thinking about it until the scale told me I had to face facts. Losing weight is hard. The very thought of weight management makes me nervous because I have wrestled with self-loathing about my weight before.
Habit change can feel really overwhelming at first. When it comes to weight loss, it can be extra hard because eating permeates so much of our daily life. Deciding to change how you eat, therefore, isn’t as simple as just deciding. Instead, it requires planning and commitment.
Self-compassion helped me find the motivation to get started because it helped me look at the factors nonjudgmentally to decide that now was an ideal time to try. Instead of wallowing in the feelings of overwhelm that told me change would be too hard, I examined the facts.
In truth, I got super businesslike about it and did an informal SWOT analysis.
Strengths: Solid workout routine including strength training means calories should be easy to burn. I’m skilled at cooking and enjoy healthy, nutrient dense foods. I have had success with weight loss in the past.
Weaknesses: I have 2 kids who won’t allow me to just stop buying snacks and treats. My schedule is busy and can impede healthy eating. I have to network a lot which means temptation is always near.
Threats: I’m over 40 and it may be harder to lose weight than in the past. I have had bad experiences with weight loss attempts in the distant past.
This may not sound very warm and fuzzy, so you may be wondering how this is self-compassion. In truth, though, self-compassion isn’t always about being soft with yourself. I think of it more as being clear with yourself instead of being unfairly biased against yourself.
Identifying the Problem
Once I got motivated to start considering weight loss, self-compassion was also helpful in considering where the weak points were in my habits. There is so much pressure on most of us, especially women, to maintain a healthy weight that this can be really hard. We can easily slide into feeling totally out of control and worthless.
Third, and most significantly, I still had lingering habits from the pandemic. During social distancing, I had to manage my own mood and the moods of my household. Having very few other options to do this, edible treats became one way of doing this.
Getting clear about where my habits went awry helped me avoid attacking my own character and judging myself. Instead, with self-compassion, I was able to clearly evaluate my habits so I could focus on improving my behavior.
Crafting a Plan
Once I got motivated and clear about where things went wrong, I was ready to craft a plan that would help me turn my analysis into actionable steps. The goal was fortunately clear to me: lose 15 pounds. My SWOT analysis and past experience, though, told me that I had to offer myself some extra supports.
First, I decided to try a food journal (specifically this one I found on Amazon) because I had success using one in the past. I avoid calorie tracking or a ton of precision on amounts. I don’t go in for diets or restrictive eating because it feeds my control issues. With the food journal, I keep track of what I eat, when I eat, and how the food makes me feel. This helps me be intentional about my choices.
Second, I decided to get help from an expert. As I have shared before, I loved The Craving Mind by Judson Brewer. He also has an app called Eat Right Now and a book about mindful eating. I bought a subscription to the app and decided to give it a try. Curiosity about the app and checking in each day motivated me and helped me establish my habit in the first few weeks.
Third, I added healthier items for me to my grocery list. I replaced my normal snacks with more nutrient dense options. I stocked up on fresh fruits and veggies I enjoy. I also made sure to add a variety of foods that would be good for lunches and snacks so i could avoid eating out as much as possible.
Finally, I planned to eat more frequently. I knew from experience that my energy tended to flag at about 3 hours and hunger would usually set in by then. As a result, I started planning smaller but more frequent meals and snacks.
Implementation of the plan, of course, is the hard part. This is where self-compassion really gets to shine. Of course, I know that it would be nearly impossible to make healthy food choices 100% of the time for the rest of my life. I knew that there would be times when I’d struggle, make the wrong choice, or just feel unmotivated.
When I started implementing, perfection was not my goal. Instead, a positive trend line marked by negative weight change and positive improvements in how I felt was the goal. To get this, I knew from experience that treating myself well was important.
I noticed and celebrated successes. I noticed when I enjoyed my healthy food. I noticed when I ate a bit more than I needed and how it felt. I noticed when days were harder because I was tired. And when temptation comes up up, I didn’t resist or beat myself up and instead just let it come.
In short, my big implementation strategy is that I assume it will be hard to establish and maintain a long-term healthy eating habit. Because I recognize every day that what I am doing is hard, I let go of perfection and remember that coaching myself with kindness must be a daily practice.
Conclusion (Well Sort of)
I wish I could wrap this post with a neat and tidy conclusion, but the truth is that this is an ongoing process. After about 5 weeks, I am about 2/3 of the way to my goal. I feel better. I have learned a lot just by paying attention to how I eat. I admit that I am proud too.
Of course, achieving goals and losing weight will usually inspire pride in most of us. This time around, I am proud that I treated weight loss like any other goal. I analyzed the issues, crafted a plan, identified supports, and implemented it.
Despite my history with struggles with weight and all the years doubting myself when it came to food, I was able to treat weight loss like any other challenging goal because I had self-compassion. So, if you are thinking about getting back in shape, I suggest that you start by being fair with yourself and focus on treating yourself well.
If you want some practices that may help with a weight loss effort or being good to yourself, check these out:
Did you know restorative yoga is associated with weight loss? Relaxation and restoration can have its benefits. Whether you have props or not, you can try it out with this practice here:
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, A New Year’s Present, to learn about mindfulness from a heartwarming story. For a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days, try How to Be a Badass Lawyer. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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Lack of time is the excuse I hear most often from other lawyers who tell me that they wish they could develop a meditation habit. As a lawyer and mom who teaches mindfulness and manages this blog on the side, I know that’s understandable. Lawyers are among the busiest of people and we are often busy for very good reasons.
Even so, I have noticed a funny thing in my ten years of meditation practice. When I am the busiest, my meditation habit is the strongest. It is the times when my schedule loosens up that I struggle more.
My theory on this is that I implicitly know I need my meditation practice more when I am busy, and so I find ways to work it in no matter what. As a result, I have had lots of practice figuring out how to keep a meditation habit going even when I am too busy to breathe.
Here are the things that have helped me to continue meditation even in the busiest of times.
1. Preserve the Habit
If an intense schedule limits your time, it may help to simplify your approach. When this happens to me, I have learned to move into “preserve the habit” mode. What does this mean? I give myself slack in terms of what I might “normally” do. I accept that I don’t have as much time/energy/motivation now but set an intention to get back to it when things calm down.
At the same time, I find ways to reconnect with my habit in small ways every day so I can continue to see myself as the person who does that healthy habit. As the book Atomic Habits instructs, identity is an important part of habit formation and maintenance, so continuing this link can help us stay on track long-term.
For a meditation habit, continuing the link may mean sitting for just one minute, taking a few mindful breaths, or building in some small pockets of open space into my schedule. This is a small shift that does not take much time but it helps me keep my good habits alive for the long-term.
2. Self-Compassion
Sometimes when we get busy, doubt and self-judgment can arise and make things so much worse. We may start to criticize ourselves for not managing our schedule properly or remind ourselves how we “never” stick to healthy habits. Though human, these thoughts don’t help.
If anything, thoughts like this are self-defeating, unkind, and often untrue. Most lawyers and professionals don’t have total control over their schedules or their places of work. So many factors outside of our individual control affect our schedules that it doesn’t even make sense to put full responsibility for the situation on yourself.
In this way, self-compassion really comes in handy. By applying self-kindness (or at least dampening the harsh self-judgment) we can see more clearly and stop kicking ourselves when we are down. By simply remembering that we didn’t choose the situation and are only doing our best, it can make a big difference in shifting the focus to caring for ourselves in a difficult situation.
3. Do What You Need Now
As I mentioned early, it’s kind of a shame that healthy habits suffer in busy times because that is when they are essential. So, in busy times, my advice is to let your meditation practice serve your immediate needs.
Mindfulness practices can help you explore spirituality, acknowledge deep personal longings, and connect to something bigger than yourself. They can also help you survive hard times. There’s nothing wrong with using the practices as tools when you need them. In fact, seeing this practical value in times when the tools are needed most may sustain your practice more than anything else.
4. Pair Meditation with Another Activity
Meditation does take some time but it doesn’t always have to take extra time. One way to help yourself and maintain your habit is to be efficient with your meditation practice by pairing it with another activity.
The most obvious way to do this is to use those bits of time you might spend waiting in between activities. If you are sitting at the doctor’s office, take a moment to breathe. Turn off the radio driving to work and enjoy a few minutes of silence.
As I have written before, you can also pair meditation with your exercise routine or trying a walking meditation. Doing most activities, like cooking or washing dishes or even taking a shower mindfully, may open your eyes to how wonderful they can be. Let me tell you, a mindful shower is fantastic.
Because mindfulness can happen in any time, we can bring it into any life activity and this can help sustain us when life is busy.
5. Notice What Happens When You Miss Meditation
If you truly can’t find any time to meditate, you still have one ace left in your pocket. The number one instruction for mindfulness practice is to pay attention. It stands to reason, then, that if your mindfulness habit suffers, the next move is to keep paying attention.
This is not a gimmick. It’s practical. Lots of want to maintain a meditation habit to get mental or even physical health benefits. When we first start, we may notice that we feel better, rush less, or our thoughts are less scattered or even that we are a bit nicer to others. This recognition is often the best motivation to keep practicing.
The same thing can be true if your practice gets disrupted for a while. Years ago, I lost my practice for almost a year due to a series of life events. What did I notice? That many of my adverse mental habits and tendencies returned. I started ruminating a lot. I seemed to always feel angry and bitter and hopeless. When a loved one told me I may need to talk to someone, I decided to resume my meditation practice as a first line intervention.
The practice helped me immediately but the experience helped me internalize that I needed to make meditation a priority. This happened not just because I got started again, but because I paid attention to the difference between my life with meditation and life without it.
Conclusion
Busy schedules are a reality for many lawyers and working professionals. Even so, it doesn’t mean that our personal well-being and healthy habits have to go by the wayside. With some creativity, flexibility, and self-compassion, we can maintain a mindfulness habit even when life is hectic. In fact, as I have experienced, doing so may help us manage the hectic times with a bit more grace, kindness, and ease.
If you are short on time but want to work in a meditation, check out some of these guided meditations under 5 minutes:
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, A New Year’s Present, to learn about mindfulness from a heartwarming story. For a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days, try How to Be a Badass Lawyer. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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