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Fear and Loathing on Family Vacations and How Mindfulness Can Help

This summer, I had the odd experience of having two family vacations. I went to Disney World and Universal with my family for our typical family trip, and then my husband and kids tagged along for a trip to Colorado Springs for a conference with the FDCC where I taught a mindfulness mini course for my fellow lawyers.

Spiritual teacher/standup comedian, Ram Dass, once famously said “If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” Applying this wisdom to my own life, my ventures this summer gave me not one, but two, chances to prove something I already know: after a decade of meditation practice and lots of training, I still am not enlightened.

Traveling in the summer with your family means traffic, long lines, intense heat, whiny and ungrateful kids, and bad moods all around. On the flip side, though, it also presents the opportunity to explore new things, have some fun, and reconnect with your loved ones. How do those of us who remain unenlightened avoid option number 1 in pursuit of option number 2?

Even though it can’t make family vacations easy, mindfulness sure can help. Here are the five ways that mindfulness helped me this summer while traveling with my family.

1. Managing Expectations

We all have these idyllic images in our head of a life-changing and mind-expanding family trip that we can remember fondly for years to come. The cold, harsh reality, however, is that traveling with family is hard. First, traveling is a lot of work. It involves planning and effort and many activities that involve deferred gratification.

For instance, we spent a day at the Magic Kingdom on my first family trip this summer. Kids love amusement parks and Disney is an expert at contriving whimsy and fun. My weather app, however, told me the experience would be brutal because the temperature would be in the mid-90’s.

My plan? I had no plan. I just accepted that the day would be miserable and exhausting. As I walked into the park with the overtures from Disney staff to have a “magical day!”, I internally set the goal of survival and trying to make the best of it. My priority was basic needs: keeping us as cool as possible, managing hydration and blood sugar levels, and monitoring sun screen applications.

Was this magical? Probably not in the traditional sense. But we got out of there with any major meltdowns, we rode some rides, and joked around while waiting in line. Given the circumstances, I’ll call that miraculous.

2. Staying Cool – Literally

Did I mention that heat? It was super hot on both trips. Sometimes we were standing around in full sun just waiting. In a word, it sucked. This is where my mindfulness and yoga training really came in handy. Two practices in particular really helped. The first is sheetali breath (a pranayama practice), which my kids love because we call it “taco tongue.”

Sheetali is a cooling breath. To do it, you curl your tongue lengthwise to form the shape of a taco and stick it out through your lips. Then you breathe in through your tongue, pull your tongue in your mouth, and exhale. Essentially what this does is turn your tongue into a fresh air collecting device and it produces a cooling sensation in your mouth.

I also stole a trick from yoga nidra practice. Yoga nidra is a practice intended for deep relaxation and sleep. It’s dynamic and includes several different strategies in one practice. One helps in challenging times: exploring the opposites. As I stood waiting in line for the Haunted Mansion in full sun, I avoided diving deeper into the fiery hell that was my current experience. Instead, I tried to focus on anything cool. If a breeze came, I savored it. If I took a drink, I leaned into the feeling of the cold water. If I got a few minutes in the shade, I absorbed it like a sponge.

Do these practices really and truly cool down the body in intense heat? I’m not sure if my body temperature changed, but the cool sensations were pleasant. In addition, breathing deeply and monitoring my attention helped me stay calm. I’ll call that a win.

3. Common Humanity

I’ve written before about my youngest daughter. She comes by her stubbornness honestly, but daresay I think she may be more stubborn than me. When she doesn’t get her way, watch out. Though she is very good-natured and loves to have fun, her mood will shift drastically toward defiance, obstinance, and even recklessness when she’s mad.

On our trips, this happened a few times in front of large crowds of people. The bad thing about this is that I had the added pressure of looking like I was a “good mom” in addition to being a human trying to deal with an angry kid. So, what’s the move here?

The thing that helped me was common humanity. When your kid is throwing a fit in front of others, it’s easy to assume everyone is looking at and judging you. Maybe some are, but most people have had to deal with kids being kids before. If we are being honest, most of us have been that kid before.

When I remember that a kid throwing a tantrum in public is something all parents have experienced at some point, my little one’s leverage disappears. I no longer have the time pressure to stop the tantrum at all costs because I’m not worried about my status as a good mom. Instead, I can let my stubborn girl know where she got her stubbornness, not with anger, but instead by taking my time. This lets me help her understand the consequences, make the choice to calm down, and get to the bottom of what her problem is, so we can all move on.

By remembering that all of us parents are trying to do the best we can, I dodged the harsh sting of perceived judgment, focused on the issue, and got back to having fun more quickly.

4. Savoring Good Things

I may have made these two trips sound like all work and no play, but that’s not how it was. There were a lot of great things about the trips and many memories were made. How are memories made? Memories are made from experience and attention.

Given all the work I was doing as a parent to plan the trip and help my kids cope, I made a point of savoring the good things that happened. A few days after our visit to Magic Kingdom, we spent a day at Universal Studios. I really don’t enjoy theme parks that much, but my oldest daughter is a Harry Potter fan so we couldn’t avoid it.

And you know what? The weather was not so hot, Butterbeer was so much tastier than I expected, and I was surprised to find myself having a magical moment when we first stumbled upon Diagon Alley. Did this completely offset the heat or my kids fighting while standing in line or the motion sickness I sometimes experienced on the rides? No. But it sure helped, and it allowed me to watch my daughter’s reaction to the experience, which was the whole point.

Likewise, in Colorado Springs, the scenery offered a built-in stress management tool. Half of my family, including me, experienced physical side effects from the altitude. Even so, it was easy to understand the effort while taking a tour in Garden of the Gods (a place so beautiful that even it’s divine name doesn’t do it justice). Perhaps my kids were fighting while driving from place to place, but I just had to look up and see the mountains across the horizon to change my mood.

Noticing these good things didn’t take the bad aspects away. It wasn’t a practice of avoiding the work and the frustration and fatigue of travel. Instead, savoring the good helped me remember why I had decided to travel at all.

5. Seeing the Good in Hard Situations

The last test for my mindfulness skills was the return trip home from Colorado Springs. My husband had joined us on the trip but flew elsewhere for another event the day before. This means that I was left to travel alone with two girls. We had to get up early, drive an hour to Denver, drop of the car, get through security, and onto our flight home.

The first few steps went well and we ended up in the line for security a little less than two hours before our flight. I thought we were golden and was already imagining the breakfast and coffee I’d be ordering while waiting at our gate. Then I saw the security line. And when I say “saw,” I mean that we kept walking and walking to try to find the point where the line started. I had never seen a security line so long and I felt panic creep up on me.

In fact, the man behind me started to verbally panic, saying things like “I should have gotten here at 5 AM” and “there’s no way we are going to make it.” If I was by myself, I admit that I might have succumbed to this too, but I had my daughters with me. If I freaked out, they certainly would. So what did I do?

I did the only thing I could do: wait and see. I told the girls (and myself) let’s get in line and watch how it moves. To my astonishment, it moved quickly. Within 15 minutes, we were in the actual line. We celebrated with a big “yay” when we got there. Within 30 minutes, I could see the TSA staff herding people along. I celebrated by feeling grateful for their efforts.

We arrived at our gate with only a few minutes to spare but we had time to get some protein and a cool drink on the way to make the flight more comfortable. The best news is that we all ended up on the flight in a reasonably good mood. As I’ve said before, seeing the good didn’t take the bad away, but it offered me (and by extension my kids) balance so we could stay steady.

I’m not sure anything can make traveling with family a breeze. There are emotions and history and challenges in store for anyone who travels long distances with their loved ones. Mindfulness practices and strategies, however, go right to the heart of your experience as a human. By helping you manage your body, heart, and mind, mindfulness may take some of the fear and loathing out of family vacations.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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A Message from Your Future Self: Reflecting on Ten Years of Meditation Practice

Editor’s Note: I realized this month that I have been meditating for ten years. It seemed like it should be a big deal, but I had a really hard time understanding what the big deal was. I struggled to think this through in the present tense, so I got the idea of writing a letter to myself ten years ago. Bingo. The big deal isn’t the ten years at all, but what happened in them. Please enjoy this post and consider writing yourself a letter from time to time. You may just learn something.

Dear Claire,

This is from you in the future. I know that seems weird. No, they haven’t invented time machines; at least not yet. Instead, this is a note from your future self in 2023.

You just started meditating. I know you feel like a total weirdo. I know that you haven’t told anyone—literally anyone—yet that you are meditating. I know that you don’t even know what it is you are supposed to be looking for as you focus on your breath. I know these things because, as I say, I’m you but from ten years in the future.

I know that right now you probably don’t think meditation is that important. You are only doing it for one minute a day because that’s all you can handle. You’re usually not calm when you do it and you frequently get frustrated because it’s never quiet enough for you to really relax. I’m writing to tell you to keep going anyway.

Look, I get it. I know meditation is boring and right now you feel like you have no time. I know that being a mom to a one-year-old as a litigation associate is intense and some days you aren’t sure you could handle everything. But, listen, meditation will help you in ways you couldn’t even imagine.

I bet you can’t see it yet, but you will soon start to see some subtle shifts. Some of those headaches you always get will go away. You’ll learn that they were caused by stress. Then you’ll start to notice when you’re rushing and stop. Over time, more and more little things like this will rack up in your mind until you realize that meditation is helping you.

It will take some time until the big changes happen, but trust me they will. Did you know that you wrote a book? Well, now it’s three and you are working on a fourth. You made partner, and you have another daughter too. And you can manage it all and you aren’t exhausted all the time because you know how to rest and can rest (for real) when you need it.

How did this happen? Like everything, it happened over time. But in large part this happened because you learned to be there for yourself. Slowly and gradually and not without angst, but it happened. You know all those thoughts swirling in your head all the time that seem overwhelming? Well, it turns out you can face them just fine. And you know all those feelings—the crappy ones like anger and fear and sadness and doubt? You won’t fully understand this until you experience it, but you learn how to handle them. That is to say, you learned how to just feel them.

You did all these things because you learned how to sit with your eyes closed in a dark room by yourself for a few minutes a day. Right now, this pastime may seem foolish to you. You may be ashamed that you have to do something so stupid. I’m writing to tell you that what you are doing isn’t foolish. Instead, it’s so profoundly practical that it’s value is hard to see.

You’ve spent a lot of life running from yourself. You’ve spent so many years chasing external validation. Even when you got all the things in life you were supposed to want (a good job and a family), something still seemed missing. You don’t know it yet but you went looking for the missing thing in the right place. As you will see, there was nothing missing at all. But your joy, your spark, your creativity and courage, it was just buried under years of trying to feel the right thing or do what you believed you were supposed to do.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not telling you it’s all going to be rainbows from here on out. Sorry to disappoint but that’s not how this works. You’ll have hard times in the next ten years for sure. You’ll lose loved ones and friends will move away. You’ll change jobs. You’ll make poor choices. You’ll say things you wish you hadn’t said and make huge mistakes.

But here’s the thing: now you at least have a practice that can help you handle all these things. You’ll learn how to hold disappointment in tenderness and care for your fear and pain. You’ll even learn how to tame your anger (most of the time) and quiet down your doubt voice. You’ll even learn how to ask for help–that you CAN ask for help. It’s all because you can sit and do nothing.

Because as you sit, you can let all those things bounce and dance and do their thing and breathe and give them space. You won’t be a perfect meditator. You will miss days frequently and sometimes go weeks or months without practice. You will fall asleep often. Your focus will be poor. And motivation will be an unending struggle. In case you have any delusions about enlightenment, you won’t attain that either. But you’ll keep coming back to the cushion because you know it will make you feel better even if the practice session itself is no good.

And it’s this that will teach you the most. Being imperfect at meditation will help you learn to let yourself be imperfect at life. That might sound a bit scary to you now because you are under a lot of pressure, but it will be a lot of fun. It will be more fun than you ever thought you’d have. Soon you’ll be chasing dreams you haven’t even thought about yet. Can you imagine? You will soon because, once you cut through some old habits, you’ll start to trust yourself.

You won’t feel a big wave of pride when you realize you have been meditating for ten years. It won’t be like winning an award or getting a degree. It won’t feel that way because you won’t be done. Instead, it will feel more like remembering the day you met your best friend and being glad you were brave enough to go talk to them. You’ll just look back and be glad you did that small, brave thing because it added so much to your life.

And so, Claire, my dearest self, thank you so much. I am so glad you made the brave decision to start meditating. Please keep going because it has helped me get to know you and made the life I now know possible.

With gratitude, Your Future Self

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A Candid Convo about Compassion for Lawyers

Bulldog lawyer. I hear this term all of the time. Clients say that they want a bulldog lawyer. Sometimes I even hear other lawyers request referrals to bulldog lawyers for friends or other contacts. As a mindfulness teacher, I try to remember nonjudgment and that sometimes people use a term without thinking much about all of its implications.

But I do not use the term bulldog lawyer and I would never refer a case to another lawyer that I primarily thought of as a bulldog. Why? A few reasons. One is that my experience with lawyers who try to craft an image of aggression has not been a positive one. Not only do they create needless fights, I generally haven’t found to be effective.

The best lawyers, in my experience, are the ones that fight hard when its appropriate but are otherwise focused on solving problems. This is what I talked about recently with host, Joe Bravo, on the show Candid Conversations with Get Staffed Up.

Joe had attended a recent presentation I did on confidence for the 2023 Legal Up Virtual Conference. Joe practices yoga and he was intrigued by my discussion of compassion, in particular self-compassion, in relation to confidence so he invited me on the show. Though polite, Joe was not shy about resolving the apparent cognitive dissonance between being an effective lawyer and compassion.

But I didn’t shy away from this in my response either because I know that mindfulness and compassion don’t get in the way of being an effectively aggressive lawyer at all. To the contrary, as I explain in the interview and in more detail in my book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, compassion is foundational to this.

To break this down as simply as I can, I offer this logical syllogism.

When you see it this way, it’s clear that compassion and mindfulness don’t make lawyers that are too chill to care about their clients and act with force and power. Instead, the opposite is true. Mindfulness can help lawyers see things clearly and manage the cold hard facts as they are. Compassion is the capacity to be present with difficult problems and remain willing to help. This is what good lawyers (or as I would describe “badass lawyers”) should be able to do for their clients.

If you want to check out the full interview, you can find it shared on our YouTube channel or watch it here:

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What Is the Difference Between Pranayama and Meditation?

Having taught meditation now for nearly 5 years, I commonly get comments in my sessions with comments about practices that aren’t, strictly speaking, meditation. They will rave about the benefits of box breathing or mention that their therapist/coach/yoga teacher taught them 4-7-8 breathing and it changed their life. I always welcome these comments and express agreement with their efficacy, since getting into technical differences of the practices is not always beneficial.

Even so, questions like these have made me curious about the differences between pranayama and meditation. Because my experience with meditation has primarily been based on practices derived from Buddhism and yoga has never been my first love, I used pranayama very little in my own practice. This summer, I decided to change that and obtained a certification to teach pranayama to expand my knowledge on the subject.

In truth, there are distinct differences between meditation and pranayama and these differences matter. That is not to say, however, that the practices cannot be effectively combined. This blog post will explore the differences to give you context so that you can decide how best to use them both to support your own practice.

Differences

The first notable difference between pranayama and meditation is origin. This issue can be a little tricky, of course, since there are many types of pranayama and many types of meditation. The secular study of both yogic and Buddhist practices and concepts has also led to a the development of further practices that may intertwine some of these ideas further.

The first fundamental difference between meditation and pranayama is breath. Though meditation very commonly involves the breath, focus on the breath is not required for meditation. Practices like loving-kindness or body scan, for instance, don’t use the breath as a focal point and numerous other focal points (such as a mantra, candle flame, sounds, or mental images) can be used in place of the breath. Pranayama, on the other hand, is the practice of working with the breath.

A less obvious difference is that pranayama derives from yogic practices and most of the most popular forms of meditation (Vipassana, Zen, loving-kindness, tonglen, etc.) derive from Buddhist philosophy. This distinction may not matter so much for practitioners who just want relief or a good support, but the different origins shed light on the different focuses of the practices.

Clearly, different teachers and schools of thought can modify this idea, but yogic philosophy is much more concerned with clearing the mind while Buddhist meditation is more intended to make peace with the mind. Thus, Vipassana or Zen meditators are usually encouraged to observe the breath and allow the mind to calm on its own. With pranayama, however, the breath is used as a tool and often manipulated for the purpose of clearing the mind, balancing energy, and creating physical benefits.

Similarities

Though there are differences between pranayama and meditation, they are not entirely distinct and need not always be kept separate. The first thing that pranayama and meditation share are the potential benefits. Because they both address the fundamentals of human life, both meditation and pranayama can result in mental and physical benefits. Done correctly, both practices can help the mind and body sync up and calm down.

For this very reason, both meditation and pranayama can be important and beneficial supports for individuals. They both deserve a place in a regular self-care regimen and they both can be used in the moment to maintain balance during difficult times. As one example, I really enjoy using alternate nostril breath during the day as a quick break to refresh myself and take a pause.

Another similarity is that pranayama and meditation go very nicely together. Yogic philosophy deems meditation as one of its eight limbs and so it is not uncommon for yoga classes to feature breath work and meditation. In the same way, many meditation teachers brought up in the Buddhist tradition (myself included) often incorporate pranayama into their guided meditation.

For instance, one way that I began experimenting with pranayama recently is to use it at the beginning of my meditation sessions as a way to quickly ground and relax myself. I have found ujayi breath to be a great tool for reconnecting with the breath due to its physical and auditory enhancements of the breath.

In short, pranayama and meditation are not the same. They have different origins and in many cases the purposes of the practices are distinct. Even so, they both have benefits for mental and physical health and they can complement each other nicely. Now that you understand how the practices are different but similar, the next step is to explore them both and determine what combination of practices work best for you.

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Feedspot Names Brilliant Legal Mind One of 25 Best Lawyer Mom Blogs

If you start a blog hoping for instant recognition, you are bound to experience disappointment. Even so, it’s nice when recognition comes along.

In 2022, Feedspot named the blog on the 25 Best Lawyer Mom Blogs. The list was recently updated for 2023 and the blog made the list again. You can check out the full list here.

Now, is the blog really a “lawyer mom” blog? Though I didn’t intend that classification when I launched the blog in 2020, I think it’s close enough. The sub-subtitle of my book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, is “Written by a Lawyer Mom from Kentucky.” That’s because, as I write in the book, my experience with early motherhood is what prompted me to start meditating in the first place.

I also write frequently about my experience as a parent in Mindful Family posts. In those posts, I have written about finding a quiet place to meditate with kids, teaching kids about mindfulness, staying calm during kid tantrums and the value of enjoying the small moments with your kids. More recently, I also authored a children’s book with the very lawyer mom title: Mommy Needs a Minute.

It’s also nice to share a spot on the list with some lawyer mom friends, including MothersEsquire. I have previously served on the Board for that organization, written several times for their partnership with Above the Law, and their founder wrote the foreword to my book.

So, although I consider this blog a “mindfulness blog” first, I will proudly claim the title of lawyer mom blog too. Thanks to Feedspot for the continued recognition and to all the readers who have followed and supported the blog.

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Balance Is My Mantra: An Interview with Lawyer, Author, Mom, Community Leader, and Meditator, Tahmina Watson

My friend, Tahmina Watson, is one of the most accomplished lawyers I know. She’s an immigration lawyer, mom, community leader, podcaster, as of today, the author of three books, and an avid birdwatcher and photographer. Like me, meditation has been part of what helps her balance all of these demands and interests. In celebration of her latest book, which is released appropriately today on July 4th, I offer this interview to share information about a different style of meditation and a new story showcasing the benefits of meditation for lawyers.

Q. Tahmina, can you tell me a little bit about yourself?

A. I’m an immigration attorney in Seattle, Washington. My firm, Watson Immigration Law, is a boutique firm that focuses on business immigration law, which primarily serves small to mid-size businesses. And within business immigration I have a specific focus on startups and visas. We do a little bit of family-based immigration (parents, spouses, children) and some citizenship work as well. I don’t normally do defense in immigration court, but as a community leader I have volunteered to serve humanitarian interests relating to immigration. I’m also the author of three books, a podcaster, a columnist for Above the Law, a bar leader, and an avid birdwatcher.

Q. How did you become interested in immigration law?

It was very random. I moved from the United Kingdom to be with my American husband, and I really didn’t want to practice immigration law. When I moved from the UK, my UK law degree and experience as a barrister did not mean I could obtain a license to practice in the U.S. I took the New York bar exam because it was the one that I could take without going to law school again. But that limited my practice options to federal law since I lived in Washington State. Immigration matters kept coming my way, even though I said no to it about four times. And then the fifth time I said, Okay, well, let’s just do this.

The first day of practicing immigration law made me realize I wanted to keep going. It’s fast paced and intellectually challenging. I’m touching people’s hearts and minds and lives very tangibly. I can see the results of the work and I’m really helping people’s lives for generations to come. It allows me to work with intelligent people who have ambitious goals of changing the world every day, and that really fulfills me in trying to make their dreams come true.

Q. I know you had a really positive experience with meditation. Can you tell me a little bit about your practice and how you got started with it?

Political turmoil over the last several years has created a lot of stress in my law practice. It was overwhelming to be able to practice law, serve my community, be a mother and a wife, and do all the things I do. I was stressed and the stress kept building. And I didn’t really know what the answer was, but I considered meditation even though I wasn’t really sure what it was. I used the Insight Timer app on my phone informally and as needed for a while and that was an entry point for me. But, I had a few incidents where I realized I really needed to have a more robust meditation practice.

I kept wondering am I doing it right? Why are all these thoughts in my head? Isn’t it supposed to be completely silent? I Googled meditation lessons and what kept coming up for me was Transcendental Meditation (“TM”) lessons and it was available in my area. Even though I wasn’t used to spending money on myself much, I thought, “I’m just going to try this because I know what’s going to help me.” And I also realized that if I didn’t do something about it for me, I would not be able to help my children learn how to manage their own stress.

One of the things that initially concerned me was how do I even find time to go to this training? Because I think one of the things that we all think about is we don’t have time to do extra things, but I put it on the calendar and I attended all of the classes. The TM method recommends two 20-minue meditation sessions a day. Though I confess that I still don’t have that second meditation block, but my first meditation block has served me very well.

Now, once I went through the training, I had to find that 20-minute block of time for practice through trial and error and trial and error. It took me about nine months, believe it or not, to find that practice time. Where was my space? Where was my time? Where was the moment that I could actually have that block without somebody bothering me or a kid jumping in and saying I need this or a client calling or an email popping up? Where was that? I eventually found solace in my parking garage, where it was dark but I have come to cherish that time. So it became my practice of doing TM 20 minutes a day, first thing in the morning after dropping my child off at school.

Q. For those of us who don’t do TM, can you explain procedurally what the practice consists of and how you use the practice in your life?

TM starts with completing a questionnaire with the trained teachers. Based on your answers, they assign a mantra (word or small phrase) that is unique to you. You’re not supposed to share it. When you sit down to meditate you’re supposed to repeat that mantra over and over again. It doesn’t mean that the monkey mind won’t wander, but when it does you come back to your mantra. The mantra is almost like the guiding force for you. The practice method is very simple; you sit down for 20 minutes and repeat that mantra in your head.

Q. What did you do to bring your meditation practice back or shift it to make it work for your life as it is now?

I think what happened during COVID, and we all experienced it, was that suddenly our lives changed. Suddenly there were two kids having school in my house and my husband and I figuring out how to practice law at home. This made it challenging to find a quiet time in the house again. At first, I actually started to stand on my deck and just be outside and we take a few moments to take some deep breaths and that allowed me to really be out in nature. Eventually, I began waking up earlier in the day before the kids woke up so I could resume formal meditation practice. I have gone through various iterations, but I had been able to finally incorporate meditation back into my life with a daily practice of 20 minutes or getting outside. Sometimes my meditation is walking outside in nature and sometimes I do TM for 20 minutes.

Q. How does meditation help you balance everything?

When I was working on one of my books, I was already waking up early to meditate and had to get up even earlier to get in some time for writing. Once I got on this routine established, I didn’t want to break the chain that developed. I continued with that early morning rising and that’s how I would incorporate my meditation first and then my writing. This was never a perfect schedule and sometimes I slept in, but meditation for me was a constant.

Even if it was only a few minutes, meditation became the foundation to continue to be calm and proactive and not reactive, but reflective. And that helped with everything around me. It helps me stay steady when the clients are anxious because their lives or their livelihoods are at stake. Like me, they are often high achievers who are naturally anxious people. And I didn’t really realize how much anxiety I was taking on with each anxious client. But then I realized this meditation was my shield, but also my mirror for them. And so the meditation is really the beginning and end of everything I do, because it’s the foundation to be able to handle as much as you know, that life throws at me all you when I believe that’s how you are able to deal with everything.

To learn more about Tahmina, you can connect with her on LinkedIn. You can read her column on Above the Law or find all of her books on Amazon, including The Start Up Visa: US Immigration Guide for Startups and Founders, which releases today.

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When It Comes to Mindfulness for Lawyers, Self-Discipline Is Overrated

As you might imagine, I am a disciplined person. I’m a lawyer. I meditate regularly. I work out every day. And I have managed to keep this blog going for nearly three years. Strangely, though, I have not written a single post extolling the virtues of discipline when it comes to meditation.

I have written about the value of habits and made it clear that consistency in mindfulness practice is important to obtain benefits. I have talked about the fact that we can’t expect to build skills without learning to handle some discomfort. And I have agreed that we can’t expect to find time – but have to make time – for the things we love.

Even so, I have not outright talked about discipline itself. Why? It’s not that I don’t think discipline has a place in mindfulness practice or in life. Far from it. In fact, I love the thrill of building things over time through daily work and commitment. It’s the way I have built my law practice, mindfulness practice, this blog, and wrote my book.

To be sure, discipline is important. I don’t talk about it on this blog much, however, because this blog is directed at lawyers and professionals. Most lawyers and professionals have plenty of self-discipline. In general, my readers are motivated, self-directed, and hard-working. Therefore, if I wrote frequently about self-discipline, I would be preaching to the choir.

In doing so, I would not be offering what I think my audience really needs. Many of us who start exploring mindfulness do so because we want change or maybe balance. Quite often, when we start to seek like this, we have no clue what we really need. We start looking and we hope a new practice might expand our horizons.

You know what’s easy to do when you start a new practice? You bring your old mindset and mental habits along. So it goes with lawyers who start exploring mindfulness by first relying on their self-discipline. Over the years, most of us have fine-tuned our self-discipline muscles so well that we rely on willpower and muscling through in almost every pastime we take up. If we are honest with ourselves, we may even notice it showing up in our personal lives with the people we hold most dear.

If change is our goal, this doesn’t really make sense. And, if balance is the object, why would we keep leaning so heavily on a skillset that is already so robust? Now you may be seeing my point. This is why I don’t talk a lot about self-discipline. You have self-discipline. You have tons of it. Trust me.

Don’t try to tell me you don’t just because you haven’t been able to make meditation a habit yet. Based on my experience meditating for a decade and teaching mindfulness for five years, too much self-discipline is the impediment—and not the key—to a long-term meditation practice for many lawyers.

You read that right the first time but go back and read the preceding line again if you don’t believe me. Lawyers and professionals have loads of self-discipline. They explore mindfulness and meditation because they are looking for something else. They are looking for a new way of living life and practicing law.

This way of life doesn’t throw self-discipline out the window. Instead, what mindfulness can do for lawyers is counterbalance their self-discipline with wisdom, self-compassion, real honest to goodness rest, and a newfound connection to their bodies and emotions. Sure, to find these things, some level of self-discipline is needed but most lawyers and professionals have more than they need to get started with and maintain a mindfulness practice.

By now, though, your lawyer brain may be kicking in and you may be thinking that I’m full of it because isn’t deciding to learn a new skill and committing to it long enough to really try it out discipline? Sure, some of it is discipline. As I said, discipline is involved. But it’s not the most important thing you need to maintain practice.

Do you know why? One reason is that self-discipline (willpower) gets tired. It is easily worn out. That’s why people often struggle to get motivated to meditate. Because sticking to a plan takes energy and energy quickly wears out. This is why other human traits are more important for a solid meditation practice. These include an open mind, courage to face pieces of yourself you have long overlooked, and self-compassion.

Next you may be wondering why I bring this up at all? Why would I devote a blog post to tell you what you don’t need to start or keep meditating? I wrote this post because discipline or the alleged lack thereof is what many lawyers complain about when they tell me that they struggle to meditate. In reality, I don’t believe a lack of discipline is really the issue.

Instead, self-judgment and unrealistic expectations about a how a practice is “supposed” to be are more often the real culprit. Since discipline alone can’t be relied on to get you to the cushion or yoga mat, why not try something else instead? How about curiosity? Or kindness? What about hope for a better life or deeper connections with yourself and others? These are the real reasons many lawyers start meditating in the first place even if they don’t know it when they start.

Lawyers don’t start meditating to cultivate more discipline because they don’t need more discipline. They explore mindfulness in pursuit of a happier life with more freedom, deeper connections, and less stress. If this is your aim with meditation, then consider it as an opportunity to practice new skills and cultivate new habits. You get plenty of practice with self-discipline in your daily life. For greater peace, balance, and ease, let go of your grip on self-discipline a little bit and consider practicing skills like patience, self-kindness, the capacity to rest, and joy in your meditation practice instead.

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Kesha Became Nobody on Gag Order but Found Her Voice

A few weeks ago, I saw that Kesha had a new album out, so I listened immediately. What I heard didn’t sound anything like the Kesha I knew, even though I hadn’t become a fan until her most recent albums. I was certainly familiar with her party girl anthems from a decade ago; honestly, how could you miss them? But it was the songs written after Kesha went public with her allegations against Dr. Luke that got my attention. Sure, they were fun and brash, but there was also hard-earned wisdom too and a stubborn refusal to look on the bright side even amidst so many shadows.

Perhaps I implicitly expected Kesha’s next album following Rainbow and High Road to get closer to her music from the past. I thought she’d follow the trend of so many other pop artists post-pandemic to offer something that sounded celebratory. The album title – Gag Order – and cover, which appeared to show Kesha’s face stuffed into a plastic bag, disabused me of that notion right away.

Even so, I still expected to at least hear Kesha singing in the opening lines. I didn’t. Instead, the first track “Something to Believe In” had the ironic mantra-like quality of Radiohead’s “Everything in Its Right Place” from their genre-busting album Kid A.

Intrigued, listened on still expecting the Kesha I knew to reveal herself. I soon realized that she was revealing herself but in an entirely new way. The tracks never veered into her old party mode and they seemed directed away from typical pop beats featured prominently in her prior albums. Instead, on Gag Order, Kesha danced through genres, mixing and matching electronica, pop, country, and even hip hop as she pleased. Though the musical combinations may have seemed playful, the lyrics were dead serious.

The second track aptly likened her experience with Dr. Luke to a bad acid trip, another perfectly conveyed the sound of rumination and depression, and the tracks that followed expressed the difficulties of living in the public eye. The most upbeat songs on the album are “Only Love Can Save Us Now”, which sounds like a dire version of “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” and “Peace and Quiet”, that sounds airy and fun until the lyrics hit you with the truth that love can be damn hard for women with histories.

Here’s the kicker: buried in the last half of the album is a clip from Ram Dass’s Becoming Nobody. As I wrote last year, Kesha isn’t the first popular musician as of late to sample a famous spiritual teacher. Kendrick Lamar extensively sampled Eckhart Tolle on last year’s release, Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers. Unlike Lamar, though, Kesha used only one clip from Ram Dass and slowed and distorted it to emphasize a single idea that is at the very essence of human life: that love and pain are intertwined so living a full life calls us to open to both.

This clip perfectly prepares the listener’s attention for my favorite track on the album, “Too Far Gone”. A simple reading would call it a song about lost love, but I call it the sound of the Buddha’s Second Noble Truth (humans suffer because of constant craving that arises from constant change). It’s a song about searching for safety and stability in life but not finding it because the nature of life is to be unstable.

Some may think this sounds depressing. Some critics have simply called it “angry.” I think both of those views miss a whole lot because I found it inspiring and uplifting. Sure, there are angry lyrics, there is a ton of sadness, and there are direct references to mental health struggles, the fact that the world is so messed up, and ended relationships. But sadness, anger, and pain aren’t the only themes running through Gag Order. The other themes are not giving up on life, the relentless search for peace, and the lesson that loving yourself is essential precisely because you can’t count on much in life lasting.

I also loved the album because it showed Kesha’s willingness to go beyond merely taking control of the narrative with her history with Dr. Luke. The variety of genres on Gag Order suggest that she’s willing to explore the limits of identity and isn’t beholden to anyone’s idea of who she should be or how her music should sound. In this respect, Ram Dass may have been selected to make this point. His sampled clip was taken from a lecture series where he specifically and (hilariously) lambasts how we humans cling to our identities.

Ram Dass’s history gave him the street cred to do this so well, since like Kesha, life pushed him to radically shift his identity. What better teacher could help Kesha cope with the unfairness and unexpected twists and turns of life than a man who went from Harvard researcher (named Richard Alpert) to counterculture leader (with Timothy Leary) to spiritual guru in less than a decade?

If Ram Dass can make the lemons of life into this unbelievable lemonade, why can’t Kesha too? And, hell, why can’t the rest of us? I listened to Kesha’s new album hoping to find more of what I liked about her other works, and I am thrilled to say I didn’t. While I’d love it for her if she at some point can write music again that is just fun and celebration, we also need music to help us get through life after the party ends. Kesha’s latest album doesn’t sound like the old Kesha at all, but it made me a huge fan of the new one.

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What Does It Mean to “Check in With Yourself”?

If you do guided meditations or yoga, you are bound to be instructed to “check in with yourself” at some point. Most commonly, teachers use this as a starting point for a mind-body practice because it makes sense to start the practice where you are. The only problem is, of course, that not all teachers offer additional guidance to tell us how to check in with ourselves. This post is offered to clear up that mystery.

For those who know about interoceptive awareness, checking in with yourself may be the norm. But if you have never heard the word “interoceptive” before, then some additional explanation may be needed. The term interoceptive means awareness of your inner experience. While this might be second nature to many of us, it may feel weird and new to those of us accustomed to living busy and worldly lives. When someone instructs you to “check in with yourself”, they are telling you to activate and note your interoceptive awareness.

This gives you a general idea about how to begin checking in with yourself, but you may still need to know specifically where to focus. Ideally, when you check in with yourself, you can scan your mental, emotional, and physical states. First, this would require a pause and then a simple acknowledgement of the physical sensations, emotions, and thoughts that may arise for you.

Now, if you are new to this process, it may be challenging at first to interpret what you note in your interoceptive awareness. You may not immediately be able to put words to sensations or clearly identify all emotions. That’s okay. The point isn’t to self-diagnose on a deep level, but instead just to touch in with your inner experience and see what’s there. If you stay open-minded and make the practice of checking in a habit, you’ll soon notice patterns that will help you understand more about what your mind, body, and emotions are telling you.

Why is checking in important? If you are using it at the start of your meditation or yoga practice, it may help you understand what kind of practice you need. Do you need a rigorous practice or a gentle one? Do you need to stretch yourself or give yourself a break? Do you need a specific focal point or can you just rest in open experience? When you can more regularly note where you are, you are more likely to give yourself what you need and have a better experience with practice.

In much the same way, making a habit of checking in with yourself throughout your day is a great way to manage your energy levels and needs so you can be proactive about self-care. This may help you head off emotional reactivity caused by fatigue or hunger or notice the signs of loneliness, anxiety or growing anger. You can do this by briefly pausing for a few breaths, scanning through your body, asking yourself “how do I feel,” and listening to what arises.

My favorite way to check in with myself is first to look for rushing or pushing forward. If I notice it, I try to pause or intentionally slow down. Then I do a quick body sweep by scanning for sensations in the most emotionally reactive parts of my body: eyes, brow, jaw, neck, shoulders, hips, and hands. If there’s tension, I scan my mind and emotions for clues about what’s going on with me. This usually takes about twenty to thirty seconds at most but it’s enough time to change the way I’m relating to my day and myself.

The important thing about checking in with yourself, however, is not the procedure you follow but the habit of checking in regularly. One of the reasons that mindfulness practices can be so transformational is that they create mental space to check in with your inner experience regularly. Now you know what the teachers mean when they tell you to “check in with yourself” at the beginning of your guided meditation or yoga practice. You can now use these steps to check in with yourself to improve your meditation experience and bring more awareness to your life.

If you want to try this in a meditation practice, check out our Check in with Yourself Guided Meditation on YouTube or Insight Timer:

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Four Situations in Which Meditation May Not Be the Answer

On a blog about mindfulness, the title for this post may be surprising. I have touted the benefits of meditation for more than two years now and explained myriad meditation practices. Nevertheless, I seem to be admitting here that meditation is not a solution for all problems.

To be perfectly clear, I am not merely seeming to make this admission; I am freely and fully admitting it. Meditation is not always the answer. Over the last ten years, meditation has served so many purposes in my life that I probably couldn’t account for them all if I tried to compile a list. It was foundational to personal growth and healing and it has served as the hub for developing other useful habits, like exercise.

Even so, one of biggest power moves I made in my meditation practice was learning when meditation wasn’t the answer. Ironically, this happened because cultivating mindfulness helped me pay more attention to what I needed and what practices supported me best in different situations.

To help support your own discernment in this manner, here is the list of situations in which meditation is not my first go-to practice.

1. Too Much Energy.

If I am feeling physically energetic, the last thing I want to do is sit for an extended period of time. This could be because I am experiencing stress or anger or even excitement. When you pay attention, you may notice that all of these states create physical energy in the body. My experience has taught me that it works better to go with the energy rather than fight against it. For me, this usually means I need some form of movement.

So, when I feel too jittery, I don’t push meditation. Instead, I take it as an opportunity to get my workout done for the day. If I am strapped for time, I may take a brief walk or do a quick stretch. This is not a hard and fast rule, but using up energy when I feel amped up is using mindfulness as self-care even if I choose not to meditate in that moment.

2. Intense Spiraling Thoughts.

Movement may help when the body has too much energy, so it may stand to reason that meditation may be perfect when the mind is overactive. This can be true. I intentionally choose to meditate often when my mind has thoughts rattling around in it. When the energy level on this is noticeable but moderate, meditation is ideal because it allows the mind to calm down and sort itself out.

But when the energy is high–signified by the volume, amount, or quality of the thoughts–I don’t meditate first. Instead, I have experienced greater relief and clarity from letting the thoughts go in other ways. The option that is most convenient and fully within my control is writing. I will write or type out any thoughts that come to mind for a few minutes just to get them out. If you aren’t a writer, you can also just say the thoughts out loud or do a voice memo if you don’t like talking to yourself.

If you’re lucky, you may end up writing something pretty darn good. Regardless, there’s no need for you to show what you write to anyone or even look at it again yourself. The point here isn’t to create a perfect monologue but just to get some distance from the thoughts. When the thoughts are spiraling hard, I use this strategy first before I meditate.

3. Overwhelming Emotions.

Emotions will come up in meditation so I am not telling you not to meditate if you have emotional responses or to stop practicing if they arise. With that said, when your emotions are very high, you may be best served by not trying to deal with them all by yourself. In the case of strong emotions, especially ones that seem overwhelming, it may work better to seek social support.

I have struggled with this in the past because I had the seemingly logical but misleading idea that talking about a situation wouldn’t help. While sadly true in many cases, this thought is misleading. There is more than one way to address a problem. You can address the root cause or the symptoms. Even if talking with a confidant won’t solve the problem, it may help you handle the symptoms.

Meditators may also have the idea that they need to learn to handle their emotions by themselves. This too is misleading. While it’s empowering and commendable to develop skills for emotional self-care, knowing when to seek support from others is part of that skill set. Sitting in meditation is one great part of your toolkit, but when emotions approach overwhelm seeking social support may serve you better.

4. It’s Time for Action.

Meditation helps you get clarity about a lot of things, but the practice in itself won’t create any change unless conduct follows. Sometimes in mediation practice, you may experience difficulty because you recognize things that need to change. Perhaps you feel regret or guilt because of something you did. Or perhaps you notice real hurt or difficulty in your life that being busy in life had allowed you to overlook.

Meditation practice is intended to cultivate present moment awareness, but if we let it, it can also cultivate wisdom too. Sometimes that wisdom is trying to tell us we need to take action out in the world. If I recall a recent situation and feel strong feelings of guilt, self-compassion may help me in my meditation practice. But in my life, a conversation with the affected person and an apology will serve me better.

If you are reeling from a personal loss, mental health challenge, or major life decision, meditation may also not be ideal (at least on its own). For those new to the practice, trying meditation in such circumstances may just add stress to life. Even very experienced meditators may struggle with the practice in challenging life circumstances. In short, sometimes it makes more sense to focus on cultivating stability in our lives before or instead of cultivating mindfulness in meditation practice.

In short, though I stand by my years of proclaiming the benefits of meditation, I admit that the practice is no panacea. If you practice meditation long enough, you are bound to see that other supports may be more helpful to you in certain situations. Thus, as you work to cultivate mindfulness in your life, never forget to develop self-compassion and wisdom too. Meditation is there as a practice to support a good life and it’s a good thing that it’s not the only one.

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