How to Respond Mindfully to Nasty Emails

Cover image for blog post entitled responding mindfully to nasty emails

There are few things in life as satisfying as typing out a strongly worded email to someone who’s got it coming. Or maybe you have a colleague driving you nuts, so nuts in fact that you think a text message containing all your anger is the way to go.

As soon as you read these words, you probably see the error in this line of thinking. Yes, letting it all hang out in text or email may seem like a great idea at times. The moment we hit “send” on those messages, though, we are bound to feel something more akin to shame, regret, or even guilt.

Can mindfulness help us avoid this trap? Indeed, it can. Keep reading to learn how.

Why we need mindfulness when it comes to text and emails?

As I have written before, mindfulness is a faculty of mind for most humans. We generally don’t have to do anything extra, including special practices, to be mindful. With that said, when it comes to email and text, some extra help is frequently needed because those activities are so often mindless.

Consider how many text messages, personal messages, and emails you send in a given work day. If this number is large, and for most of us it is, then your use of these means of communication most likely is a habit. Habits aren’t bad, of course, but when there are habits there may be less conscious awareness.

Text messages and emails can be generated quickly and outside of the presence of the person with whom you are communicating. Doing things speedily rarely makes us more ethical. Less contact with others often implies less empathy and fewer options for establishing understanding.

What it means to respond to emails mindfully.

When I talk about responding to emails or text messages mindfully, I am talking about invoking the faculty of mindful awareness to support skillful communication. On a practical level, this means taking measures to counteract the risks stated above: slowing down the process, remembering our human connections, and choosing your response consistent with your values and ethics.

Here are five steps that can help you do this.

Image with a quote about why mindfulness is needed for responding to nasty emails

Mindful Step 1: Take a Pause

As noted above, emails and texts are dangerous because they are fast. They can quickly elicit emotion from us unless we have time to recognize it. Nasty emails and texts are likely to invoke the emotion anger, which often manifests as a burst of energy. One of the calling cards of anger, of course, is an urge to act immediately on that energy.

If you receive emotionally charged emails and texts, the first and best mindful step I can offer is to stop. Take a pause and, where possible, get away from your messaging device. Literally get up and back away from the computer or put your phone down. It doesn’t have to be for a long time. The point of this is to stop the chain reaction between your screen and your mind and body and give yourself a chance to choose your next step.

Mindful Step 2: Acknowledge Your Feelings

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: mindfulness is not just about being calm. Despite the common saying about sticks and stones, words absolutely can hurt us. They can even hurt lawyers and professionals who deal with shame triggers at work every day.

When you take a moment to pause, check in with yourself and acknowledge your feelings. This may show up with a multitude of thought reactions about the situation, the other person, or even yourself. It likely will also include the physical signs of emotion, including tension in your body, a faster heart or breath rate, or even heat in your face and neck.

You don’t have to make these things go away. Instead, you can note them in mindful awareness and offer yourself compassion for dealing with something hard.

Mindful Step 3: Get Help

This next step isn’t mandatory, but it may be a good option for challenging communications that are critical, recurring, or more deeply troubling. I’ve talked before about the “spotlighting” effect of empathy that can cause us to zero in on a particular person’s emotions. From experience, I know that this can happen with email and text communications.

One way to break out of this and get much needed perspective is to talk with a colleague. With this, I am not saying you need to ask the colleague to intervene in the communication. Instead, my suggestion here is to speak with a colleague as a sounding board to get a broader view and personal support.

I know many of us want to be independent, but I frequently check in with colleagues when dealing with difficult opposing counsel. It makes the experience less overwhelming and lonely. I also feel more confident that I am responding based on my judgment and not my resentment.

Image showing the five mindful steps for responding mindfully to nasty emails

Mindful Step 4: Invoke Common Humanity

Whether we like to acknowledge it or not, the humanity of the other person is present in all of our digital communications. I put this step next to last for a practical reason: it’s hard to recognize someone else’s needs when we are struggling.

Now, you may wonder about why you should care about the humanity of someone who just sent you a nasty diatribe via email? There are a few answers on this, but my best one is that it is usually better for everyone when we do so. Even from a very selfish perspective, most of us feel guilt and shame when we act in ways that are inconsistent with our values.

Email wars can cause us to forget basic values easily, but most of us want to to help and serve others in our work. Most of us do not want to harm and hurt others. A simple way we can do this is to remember that the person we are communicating with is a person with hopes, fears, dreams, and needs. Remembering that they are a person and not just an email or text troll can make it easier to choose our words wisely.

Mindful Step 5: Plan Your Response

This tip is less about drafting techniques than it is about the arc and meaning of your professional life. The plan I am talking about here simply means to ask yourself what your purpose with the communication is. This can raise deeper questions regarding your purpose in life, including at work, or your purpose with a particular matter.

It’s not necessary and it would be inefficient for you to expect crystal clear answers on these issues every time. Even so, asking yourself simply “what do I want here?” or “what purpose does this communication serve?” is a good start. Asking these questions is a way to reorient towards your values, meaning, and ethics so that it can guide your communication.

Conclusion

Copious and unpleasant digital communications are an unfortunate part of life for many lawyers and professionals. They can make our lives more stressful and pull us away from our deeper values. As with many things, an intentionally mindful approach can help. By slowing down, acknowledging our emotions and the needs of others, we can remember and reorient to effective communication that does not cause more harm. This can make our work lives better, less stressful, and more meaningful.

If you need a practice to help you go through these steps, check our our Guided Meditation for Responding Mindfully to Nasty Emails on Insight Timer or here:

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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It’s Okay If You Meditate Just to Rest

I got up at 3:30 AM last week to catch a flight to New York City with my family. It was going to be a really long day. We had sightseeing and a Broadway show planned. Unfortunately, I’ve never been able to sleep on planes, trains, or automobiles. Lucky for me, though, I had another plan: I knew I would be able to meditate on the flight.

Meditation is no substitute for good sleep.

Trust me, I am the last person in the world to try to convince you that meditation is a good substitute for sleep. The impetus for my own meditation practice was postpartum depression, in part induced by intense sleep deprivation while trying to breastfeed my newly born daughter. That experience taught me many things but the most important may be that sleep is a nonnegotiable for me.

Regardless, the reality remains that sleep is not always an option. As a lawyer, I frequently have deadlines or a hectic schedule that can affect sleep. Even when we make the best choices we can, insomnia happens on occasion for a variety of reasons beyond our control.

When sleep is not an option, meditation can help.

In times like these, meditation can really help. On days after a less than ideal night of sleep, I find that a few minutes of meditation really helps me. For one thing, closing my eyes helps them rest and can ward off headaches and tension in my face and neck. Reducing my heart and breath rate also helps my body recover from the extra strain of slogging through the day on limited sleep.

I won’t claim that 10 to 30 minutes feels the same as a good night’s sleep, but it is close to the benefits one might expect from a power nap. Unlike a nap (a luxury my body rarely lets me enjoy), meditation doesn’t leave me feeling groggy the rest of the day. To the contrary, meditating for a quick rest during the day often feels energizing.

Image listing 4 reasons meditation for rest is okay

Meditating for rest can improve your mood and mindset.

Even if I don’t get a big energy boost from meditation, it offers other benefits. Mediation will usually stabilize my mood and mind. This usually means less grouchiness and generally less conflict with any people I may happen to encounter. This can even include myself.

Many lawyers like me may have a habit of pushing past or through our own needs. Taking a few minutes to meditate for the express purpose of resting–instead of improving yourself or boosting performance–is an important recognition that your needs matter. Most of us need reminders like this every so often. When life throws you lemons with too much business or not enough sleep, you make lemonade by taking the opportunity to practice rest.

Conclusion

Some of us who meditate may think the practice has to have some noble purpose. I have a noble purpose for my meditation practice: I practice to create less suffering for myself and others. But, you know what? I am pretty awful at reducing suffering for myself or anyone else when I am tired. And I bet that I’m not alone.

This is why I say that it is okay to meditate just for rest. It’s okay to let go of your noble purpose and big goals, at least for a few minutes. It’s okay to rest your eyes and body and give your mind a break. If you try it out on a hard day, I bet you’ll find that this use of meditation is perfectly consistent with your nobler purposes for the practice.

If you want to try some Guided Meditations with the aim of rest of mind, check these out on Insight Timer or here on Youtube:

New Free Download: Coping Strategies Ebook

Cover image for blog post sharing free download, Coping Strategies for Difficult Time ebook

When I teach mindfulness, I try to remind people that it is more than coping strategies. For one thing, mindfulness is not a practice or a strategy at all. Mindfulness is a faculty of mind that most human beings have. In addition, mindfulness is not merely about coping. A big part of it is, instead, being with an experience as it is.

Even so, the reality remains that mindfulness practices can help us cope. Mindfulness isn’t a practice, but practices and strategies may be needed to help many of us (myself included) tap into it. In this way, one of the benefits that many people experience when they explore mindfulness practices is an increased ability to cope.

Coping Strategies Can Make a Difference

As a lawyer who deals with stress myself and represents officials who themselves face many stressful situations, I have seen firsthand how much better coping can mean. It can mean less fighting. It can mean less fear and angst. It also mean more creativity, better communication, and better results.

It’s an exceptionally hard time for most of us right now. This week, I will be speaking for two separate groups about stress management practices. Both groups specifically requested demonstrations of coping strategies. I endorse a holistic and long-term approach when it comes to stress management but I can understand the desire for in-the-moment coping strategies too.

What’s in the Coping Strategies Ebook?

To that end, I created the Coping Strategies for Difficult Times Ebook. It is an approximately twenty-page guide with practices offered to help you cope in difficult situations. It is divided into 5 chapters:

Using the breath;
Relaxing the body;
Opening the heart;
Dealing with overwhelm; and
When you feel fidgety.

Each chapter has simple practice that can be done quickly in the midst of a difficult situation. It explains why and how to use the breath to quickly regain calm. It also offers a quick practice for connecting with the body or offering yourself compassion when needed. The last two chapters have practices that are ideal for times of overwhelm or when movement is needed to cause a surge of energy.

The Best Coping Strategy Is Social Support

I offer this book as a simple resource that may offer some support in difficult times. This is not to say that one can or should be expected to cope with all life situations on one’s own. In case you are like me and struggle to ask for help, let this serve as a reminder. Social support is the very best coping strategy available. If you need or might benefit from the support of loved one or trained medical professionals, please give that gift to yourself.

How You Can Get the Coping Strategies Ebook

Getting the ebook is easy. You can find it available for download here. While you are there, you can check out our other downloads and resources and Guided Meditations too.

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How to Be Sure Your Teacher Knows Meditation

Recently, I had a blast from the past when I did a guided meditation with Lil Jon. I had heard that Lil Jon, who I had known only as a rapper and producer, had released an album of guided meditations (paid link). When I saw Peloton offer a guided meditation with him, I decided to give it a shot.

I have to be honest that Chelsea Jackson Roberts, a renowned teacher of yoga and other mind-body practices, did most of the heavy lifting on this particular meditation. Lil Jon offered a few words, but he didn’t truly guide the practice. And this is when I started pondering.

How Do You Know If Someone Knows Meditation?

This post is not about yucking anyone’s yum when it comes to meditation. There are a lot of ways that people can come to offer guided meditations and spiritual teachings. If people like Lil Jon bring people to meditation with their enthusiasm, then that is a good thing.

With that said, many people offer practices and mindfulness tips on the internet without training or even a regular meditation practice. Some of these individuals, like Lil Jon admits on the first track of his album, are upfront about these things but some are not.

In case you are wondering how you can tell if a teacher is a good source for meditation advice, here are some questions to ask.

1. What is your personal meditation practice like?

Training and education are important for anyone who wants to teach, but regular practice is still essential. Even after more than 1000 hours of training in mind-body practice, I can easily say that most of what I know about meditation came from meditating. Meditation is something that can make an impact even if you only do it for a little while. Yet, it’s also a skill that is best kept sharp.

Where possible, learning about a teacher’s practice, including style, number of years, typical session length, and retreat experience, can help you decide if they can support you. If you want to make a practice a long-term habit, it really helps to be guided by someone who has created one for themself.

2. What is the lineage of your teaching?

Meditation can mean a lot of things. Even within Buddhism, there are numerous lineages of teachings and meditation practices. Outside of this, there are still more.

I have an eclectic background myself, so I don’t profess to tell you which lineage is best here. However, if you are working with a meditation teacher or using a lot of their meditations, it helps to know the source of their teachings. In general, quality teachers will be upfront about this. If they aren’t, ask a question or do some Googling.

Image with question that asks how you know whether a person offering guided meditations knows what they are doing

3. What teacher training have you done?

If there’s one thing I hate about the legal profession, it’s the elitism some people display about law schools. I’m not here to apply that same elitism to meditation teacher programs, in part because I have done a variety of trainings and benefitted from them all.

With that said, you ought to consider whether the teacher you are working with has any training in meditation itself. Many yoga teachers offer meditation, but many basic (200-hour) yoga teacher trainings don’t offer instruction in meditation.

Likewise, it helps to know how many hours of training overall your teacher has done. If you are able to investigate the course requirements, it may also help you determine if the teacher’s training is enough for you.

4. Do you have other training that informs your teaching or use of meditation practices?

One thing that irritates me about discussions of meditation on the internet is that they are often oversimplified. Well-meaning people suggest that meditation is easy or make claims about it’s benefits that aren’t always justified. Even more common is that people fail to account for the risks, counter-indications, and adverse effects that go along with meditation.

For this reason, it is good to know if your teacher can help you modify practice or ensure your safety if you have past trauma, neurodivergence, or other health concerns. It may also help to know if your teacher has any special training in things relating to meditation, including mental health, fitness, yoga, compassion, or other modalities.

An image listing the questions from the blog post intended to help you determine if your teacher knows meditation

5. Do you teach meditation in any way besides offering guided meditations?

There is a difference between teaching meditation and guiding meditation. With a good script, a person with a nice voice and calm demeanor could easily guide a pretty relaxing meditation. The problem is that such a person may not have the training to know which practice to offer when or how to watch a student or audience for signs of distress.

If you are confident in your own ability to select meditations that work for you and modulate yourself in practice, this may not pose much of a risk. However, there may be a limit on what such a person could offer if you have questions about practice or need more support as your practice evolves. If this concerns you, ask whether the person teaches, with explicit instruction or talks, in addition to guiding meditation.

6. What ethical or accreditation standards guide your teaching?

Lawyers have ethical rules that guide our conduct with clients. When it comes to spiritual teachers and guides, ethical standards are much less universal. Some yoga teachers may be subject to ethical rules if they are members of accrediting organizations like Yoga Alliance. Likewise, teachers who are also mental health providers or affiliated with a Buddhist organization are likely subject to ethical requirements.

Many other teachers, even certified teachers, may not be subject to any written ethical codes. Of course, this does not mean that such teachers are unethical or unqualified. It may mean, however, that you must ask to determine if the teacher’s ethical values align with your needs.

Conclusion

This post is not intended as an outline to cross-examine anyone who offers guided meditations. My goal is to make meditation more accessible and not to serve as a gatekeeper for meditation practice.

With that said, there are many people who offer meditation or talk about mindfulness concepts and not all of them have training or experience. I offer this post to help you get curious about the people who may be supporting your practice with teachings or guided meditations. Use the questions to satisfy your curiosity, meet your personal needs, and protect your safety.

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How to Meditate When You Can’t See Mental Images

If you aren’t a writer, artist, or meditation teacher, you may not have investigated how clear mental images are for you. I have long known that I am not a “visual person” but I didn’t realize how “not visual” I am until I tried to meditate. Mental imagery for me is, at best, hazy and short-lived and requires intentional effort.

Most people may not think this is a big deal, but I do because I am a meditation teacher and a writer. Anyone who meditates has likely come across some visualization techniques in meditation practice. Because I meditate, I am acutely aware of my own past struggles with these practices. I couldn’t avoid them entirely, however, because many heart practices, including my favorite loving-kindness, use some form of visualization.

This is why I looked closer at the issue and got training in neurodiversity-informed mindfulness to understand it better. Based on this, I have learned to modify my meditation practice to work around my inability to visualize. This post will identify the tips that worked for me.

1. Meditate on Your Mental Visual Ability

Did you know that there is a condition called “aphantasia” which refers to the inability to see mental images? If you haven’t heard of this, you aren’t alone. I had only discovered it recently myself. Aphantasia is not a mental disorder or something that necessarily indicates a health condition. Instead, it’s just a way to describe one’s relative ability to see mental images.

Image with a self-test for aphantasia that can help you identify how strong your ability to visualize mental images

Test Option A

The good news for all of us is there is a handy test for exploring your ability to visualize yourself. As the image here shows, bring an apple to mind. Consider how detailed it is. Can you see color, shape and details? How long does the image stay in your mind? How easy is it for you to hold it there?

Test Option B

Another way to consider this is to talk about it with others. I started to understand the impact of my mental visual ability better when I was training to teach mindfulness and compassion. After one guided practice, a classmate described an elaborate image of a butterfly with beautiful colors graceful fluttering wings.

Based on both categories of tests, I don’t have aphantasia but I know that I am pretty close to it. I can see images but they are glimpses at best and I have to work really hard to hold them in my mind. My mind would never generate an elaborate image of a butterfly even if I tried really hard.

2. Don’t Judge Yourself

You may have already guessed what I am going to say next. Yeah, that’s right, this is where self-compassion has to join the party. To be honest, I felt a little jealous when I heard my classmate talk about her beautiful butterfly. It sounded cool. I wished I could see it myself.

But, I avoided judging myself and not just because the course in which this discussion happened was about teaching compassion cultivation. When my classmate shared her story, it helped me share my own. I am not blessed with mental visualization but I have other strengths (as I’ll discuss below).

If I focused too much on my reactions of what I couldn’t do, I risked missing the chance to explore what I could do. Beyond this, it’s not like self-judgment or criticism would help. Thus, my advice when considering your own ability to visualize is to avoid judging yourself.

Image with a quiz that allows self-reflection of mental imagery, including how detailed, how clear and vivid, how easy it is to hold, and how long the imagery lasts

3. Meditate on Other Areas of Strength

If there was a test like the one above for the ability to detect physical sensations in the body, I would get high ratings. After I got comfortable with my body and learned to attend to it, I realized that my awareness of felt sensations is strong. I can note subtle differences in sensation, hold my attention on them for a long time, and this comes without effort.

Similarly, when it comes to verbal and auditory processing, I am pretty sensitive. My mind doesn’t think in pictures but words are ever present. Music affects me deeply and the auditory quality of words is a skill I rely on frequently in writing, public speaking, and crafting guided meditations.

This goes to show that a relative lack of ability in one area is not the same as a lack of ability overall. Even if you aren’t a visual person, you may have other strengths. Taking the time to identify other strengths may help you explore how to address a relative lack of visual ability.

4. Lean on Your Strengths as You Meditate

One approach for those of us who are not visual is simply to avoid meditations with visualization. For elaborately imaginative practices, I admit that this is generally what I do. This is not, however, my approach with for all styles of practice.

Because my ability to feel physical sensations is robust and comes easily to me, I have a come up with my own meditation hack. What this boils down to is that I don’t take the word “visualize” literally. When I am told to “visualize” something, I don’t force a mental image. Instead, I connect with the felt sense of something.

How to Visualize When You Can’t Visualize

For example, if I am told to visualize being outside on a nature walk, I don’t try to force images of grasses, trees, and the sky in my mind. Instead, I connect with the sensory and kinesthetic memory of walking in nature. I imagine the internal experience of walking in nature in terms of physical sensations.

If this sounds complicated, remember that physical sensation is easy for me. It may be complicated to describe in words but it is easy for me to do in practice. Even better,I can still participate in the meditation and get the same benefits all while doing it my way.

“Visualizing” Someone’s Presence for Loving-Kindness

I do something similar when it comes to loving-kindness. With that style of practice, the common instruction is to bring someone to mind and to allow that mental imagery evoke feelings in your heart area. For me, though, I cut out the middle man because imagery doesn’t help.

Instead, I bring someone to mind by name and connect with the felt sense of their presence. In particular, I may invoke a memory of how it feels to be in that person’s presence or I may notice the felt sense that emerges upon bringing their mind to name. Since loving-kindness practice includes consideration of felt sensations in the body, this style is fairly simple to modify for those of us who aren’t visual.

An image for modifications to meditation practice for those who don't see mental imagery or have limits in their ability to do so

5. Explore Other Options When You Meditate

My last point here is a simple reminder to keep exploring and being curious. I recently started exploring meditation with my eyes open and I was shocked to discover that it made mental images during meditation more vivid. I would have thoughts having content in my visual place would make inner visualizations impossible for me.

Upon investigation, though, I found that the opposite was true. Not only could I tell the difference between actual visual content and mental visual content, but also the mental visual content seemed more robust. What does this mean?

The big lesson here is that the procedures of your practice can influence your meditation experience. If you close or open eyes, listen to meditations or music, or sit or lie down, it very well may affect your inner experience. If you struggle with some aspect of practice or just get curious, it can be fun and eye-opening (pun intended) to see what a new mode of practice offers.

Conclusion

If mental imagery is not strong for you, it does not mean you can’t meditate. It doesn’t even mean that you can’t do meditations which include visualization. All of us are wired differently with various strengths and challenges. With self-compassion and curious exploration, you can learn ways to modify meditation practice even if visualization is not your strength.

If you would like to assess how visual you are, try this Guided Reflection. It will help you explore your capacity for visual imagery to your capacity for awareness of physical sensations. You can listen on YouTube here or on Insight Timer.

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Inside Out 2 Reveals These 5 Truths about Anxiety

Cover image for blog post entitled Inside Out 2 Reveals These 5 Things About Anxiety

I saw Inside Out 2 last week with my kids. If I am being honest, though, I saw the movie for my own enjoyment as much as theirs. Pixar movies always make me cry but they usually make me think too. In this case, the movie made me think about anxiety and mental health.

Of course, I am no stranger to anxiety. I have had it for most of my life, though I didn’t know how to label it properly until well into my 30’s. For this reason, I am glad Inside Out 2 is helping kids (and adults) think and talk about anxiety.

Here are the five truths about anxiety that the movie illustrates well.

1. Anxiety is different from fear.

Inside Out 2 starts when the main protagonist, Riley, turns 13. The movie demonstrates this formative time by introducing new “characters”: Anxiety, Embarrassment, Envy, and Ennui.

Any Inside Out fans may find this odd, since Fear was already a character. As the movie correctly explains, though, fear and anxiety are different. Fear often relates to external situations, while anxiety relates to our inner experience.

In the film, Anxiety becomes obsessed with Riley’s social status as a way to manage her nerves heading to middle school without her two best friends. Though Fear sees some logic behind this mission, even he’s at a loss about the lengths to which Anxiety goes in pursuit of it.

The lesson for all of us watching, of course, is that anxiety and fear aren’t the same. They may arise for different reasons and lead to different consequences.

Image comparing anxiety and fear to shed light on what it means for our mental health

2. Anxiety wants control.

The next truth about anxiety in Inside Out 2 is hard to miss. Anxiety wants control. In the movie, Anxiety shows up and promptly commandeers Riley’s control panel. When the elder emotions we’ve come to know and love object, Anxiety bottles them up (literally) and ships them to Riley’s subconscious.

The tricky thing about Anxiety, though, is that she’s not a traditional Disney villain. She’s got a sweet vulnerability about her and she truly thinks she’s doing what is best for Riley. As we see, though, the quest for the “best” leads Riley to turn on her friends and behave unethically and inauthentically.

The resounding point made from all of this is that craving control is inherent to anxiety.

3. Control only creates more anxiety.

Anxiety quickly gets what she wants in Inside Out 2. She takes control and gets exactly what she wants. This should be the end of the movie, right?

Anyone who has experienced anxiety knows that, of course, this is wrong. Anxiety (the character and the emotion IRL) is never soothed by control. Instead, the more control anxiety gets, the more it craves.

As the movie shows, Anxiety assumes the control panel and immediately concocts schemes to get more control. She initially inspires Riley to raise in social status on her new team. When Riley finds a footing with new friends, Anxiety them pushes her to become the best on her team. Soon after, the goal escalates to the best in the team’s history.

In the end, Anxiety becomes so obsessed with schemes and effort that she creates a little spiral in Riley’s mind and a panic attack that leaves her frozen in fear. What this shows us is that what anxiety is often self-perpetuating. When anxiety gets more control, it is inflamed rather than pacified.

Image conveying the double bind created by anxiety which affects the mental health of many people

4. Letting go is the (super annoying) answer to anxiety.

I know it is truly obnoxious for a meditation teacher to tell a bunch of lawyers this, but the answer to anxiety is learning to let go. Fortunately for me, the people at Pixar seem to agree.

For some of us, it might have been satisfying to watch Joy, Sadness, Anger, and Disgust tag-team to knock Anxiety out, bottle her up, and jettison her to the subconscious. That’s not what happens though, probably because it wouldn’t really work.

Instead, to calm the spiral that Anxiety created, all the emotions circle around Riley’s sense of self and hold it. Riley breathes and calms herself as this happens. When she comes back to herself, she admits her anxiety to herself and her friends and begs forgiveness.

This part of the movie is far more cathartic and satisfying to watch than it is to experience in real life. Letting go is the hardest lesson that anyone with anxiety can learn. Still, the truth remains, that letting go and learning to be with anxiety (which may include help from others) is an answer to it.

Image with a quote that says Letting go is an answer to anxiety but it is one of the hardest things to learn

5. Anxiety is a part of life.

Since it is a kids movie, it’s not too much of a spoiler to say that Inside Out 2 ends on a happy note. Riley learns a life lesson. She takes a step forward into adolescence. And she seems to find some sense of peace as she navigates the tricky social system that is middle school.

The principal blocking force of the movie, though, is still there. Anxiety doesn’t go away at the end of the movie. There’s no guarantee that Joy will resume her place as the guiding force in Riley’s life. There’s no doubt that even more complicated emotions are poised to greet Riley as she gets older.

One can only assume that Anxiety will claim control again and, at times, wreak havoc. This is the last and, perhaps, hardest truth from Inside Out 2. For many of us, and definitely for myself, anxiety is not something that goes away. It’s a part of life for many of us.

If we are lucky, like Riley, we might be able to start recognizing how it shows up in our lives and where it leads us. We can then ease back, take a breath, ask forgiveness, get help, course correct, and then move forward.

Conclusion

Inside Out 2 may be a kids movie with a classic coming of age story about growing up. If you pay attention, though, the movie reveals truths about mental health for all of us regardless of our age. Though it is a cute cartoon family film about a young teenager, it offers lessons about anxiety, control, acceptance, and letting go that can benefit us all.

Want to try some meditation practices to help you hold and be with anxiety? Check them out here or on Insight Timer.

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Playfulness Is the Best Attitude for Meditation

There is a word that I have heard all the best meditation teachers say about meditation. As the title of this post would suggest, that word is “play.” On retreat and in courses, I have heard the teacher frequently offer some wisdom then encourage further study by suggesting we “play with it.”

When I first heard comments like this as someone new to mindfulness, my lawyer brain didn’t quite get it. I was looking for a direct path. I wanted clearer guideposts. Beyond this, I was trying to manage real life challenges, like stress, overthinking, and anxiety. How could playing possibly help me with problems like this?

Playing in meditation can do a lot of good.

Years of practice and training have changed my mind. In fact, cultivating a sense of play can in fact help you a lot. As I have written before, many of us lawyers and other type A people, innately may think that discipline and hard work is the way to go when we start meditation. I thought that too, but now I think that self-discipline is overrated when it comes to meditation.

I’m not the only who thinks this either. Thich Nhat Hanh, possibly one of the most beloved ambassadors of mindfulness in the modern era, famously reminds us to “smile” in life and meditation. Renowned teacher and psychologist, Tara Brach, does the same thing. Many of her meditations intended to release students from deep-seated emotional pain start with visualizing the image of a smile.

Even Shunryu Suzuki, author of Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind, tells us to bring an “effortless” quality into our practice. Though that book includes many reminders to be disciplined in posture and breath, it otherwise encourages us to relax and let meditation itself be “nothing special.”

Image with quote that says "Meditation is hard, so let your attitude be easy"

Why is a playful attitude important?

So why is play so important in meditation? One reason is that meditation practice is hard, or at least it can be. The practice is simple, but it often involves retraining our minds. As most of us know, changing habits is challenging and can take time.

If we go charging into meditation with big ideas of instant calm and a clear mind, most of us are bound to be disappointed. Trying the practice, instead, with an attitude of kind curiosity can inspire the desire to practice more. With this attitude, you can try things out, see what works, and what doesn’t.

On the other hand, though, a playful spirit also may help you avoid putting too much pressure on yourself. Pressure kills the curiosity and openness that allows for clear awareness and it certainly is not helpful for cultivating compassion.

An image defining what is meant by a playful attitude in meditation

But what does a playful attitude mean?

Now you may be wondering, what does “playfulness” even mean when it comes to meditation? For example, how would one know if their sense of play went too far and instead became silliness?

First, it’s important to note that I am talking about this idea in the context of meditation practice. Inherently, maintaining a meditation practice involves some level of discipline. The idea of play that I am describing doesn’t mean pure frivolity. It’s intended to counterbalance the habits of many of us lawyers to rely on discipline, rules, and force to achieve our goals.

When I talk about play in this article, what I mean is letting go of expectations. Play also includes forgiving yourself quickly for any mistakes or difficulty focusing. Having a sense of humor and adventure. And being open to joy when it arises.

How can you foster a sense of play in your meditation practice?

Learning to identify and cultivate a sense of play will likely take some time and experience. If you want to start exploring, here are a few strategies you can use to keep your practice fresh and light:

Make your meditation practice more enjoyable.
Identify your early signs of tension and striving.
Reflect on the value of joyful work.
Find a good community and supportive teachers.
Cultivate self-compassion and loving-kindness.

To explore the idea directly in your mindfulness practice, check out these guided meditations crafted to inspire play:

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New Confidence CLE for Lawyers Coming to Lawline

It’s kind of a trip that I now teach other lawyers and professionals about confidence. As I have shared several times here, I have struggled with anxiety, overthinking, and self-doubt for most of my life. I was shocked to find that meditation helped me gradually change these habits.

Over time, I changed how I thought about myself, related to the world, and accepted that risk was a part of a good life. Now, after building a law practice, launching a blog, writing some boks, and crafting a new and unexpected identify for myself as a meditation teacher, I feel pretty confident.

How mindfulness can help lawyers build confidence

How did this happen? What steps helped? What does mindfulness and compassion have to do with confidence? I will share all that and more in a CLE that I created by accident but quickly became my favorite to deliver. That CLE is Real Confidence: Essential Mindfulness Skills for Law Practice and Life. I’ll be presenting it live for Lawline, one of the largest online CLE providers, on July 10th at 10 AM EST.

How did I create this by accident? A few years ago, I was asked if I ever speak about “imposter syndrome.” I admitted that I had nothing prepared and delivered a session on compassion instead. In the minutes leading up to that event, I spoke with the organizers and imagined out loud how I “might” go about talking about confidence if I got the chance.

Image describing details of confidence and mindfulness CLE for lawyers coming to Lawline

Why I love this CLE about confidence for lawyers

Shortly thereafter, I was asked to speak to young lawyers and pitched that very same idea. The organizers loved it and so did the young lawyers in the audience. After doing the session, though, it occurred to me that all lawyers could benefit from this session. I soon got the opportunity and delivered it for a group of defense lawyers in Arkansas. To see how that went, check out the testimonial from Jamie Jones on my speaker page.

As I learned, this session is so fun to deliver because it’s practical. Despite our sometimes austere exterior, lots of lawyers struggle with anxiety, self-doubt, and imposter syndrome. The big secret I learned from years of mindfulness practice and training is that you don’t have to deal with all aspects of these conditions at once.

Instead, mindfulness practice helps you focus your attention in a specific way. This allows you to break fear and doubt into pieces and examine each with kind curiosity. Over time, you can learn strategies to manage anxious thoughts, deal with the physical symptoms of fear, and manage the emotions that come up as you do hard things.

How to participate in or watch the CLE

That’s what I will teach in the CLE and, to boot, you should get CLE credit in most states. Join me on July 10th if you want to participate in discussion, ask questions, or share strategies that worked for you. If you can’t make it live, though, you can always catch it on-demand later and contact me with your questions.

To get details or register for the event, check out the page on Lawline here. If you want to experience how mindfulness can support confidence immediately, check out some of these meditations here:

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Mindfulness and the Life-Changing Magic of Opening Up

Focusing on progress with mindfulness practice is not without its risks. It is easy to get sidetracked from the daily work of practice by obsessing about one’s growth and all the benefits practice has bestowed. If taken too far, this could lead to frustration and impatience or, on the other hand, arrogance and malaise.

Even so, it is worthwhile from time to time to consider progress and growth. As a blogger, I have intentionally celebrated milestones whenever possible to maintain my own motivation. I started this blog on my own and, though it has certainly helped me develop community, the daily work of writing can be a lonely business.

A Confluence of Milestone Moments

For this reason, I was fortunate over the last few days to have a confluence of milestone moments. Much like the recent eclipse, the conjunction of all of these things lining up together made me stop and take notice. So what were these milestone moments?

The first one is that this is the 200th post on the blog. As my fav Peloton instructor might remark on a milestone ride, nobody does anything 200 times by accident. This is a meaningful recognition for me since most of my experience with this blog felt like an experiment.

I enjoy building things. I’m meticulous by nature and I am comfortable going step by step. When I launched this blog in December, 2020, though, I didn’t have a clear idea about what I was building. At the time, the blog was an act of celebration and an acknowledgement of how much I enjoy writing.

An image with a quote about milestones and making habits, including mindfulness, a part of your life

Celebrating 200 Blog Posts

All this time, I have managed the blog while raising two girls, managing a law practice, and teaching mindfulness and compassion. Given this context, managing to generate content consistently often felt like a game of keeping a helium balloon in the air. I had to keep tapping away or the balloon would fall.

In fact, for a period I let the ball drop so that I could focus on writing my first book. Getting to 200 posts feels good because I was able to get back in the game. I’ve often been worried that life would happen and my writing would stop. Now I see that my writing is part of my life.

A Blast from the Past

The next item that spurred reflection was not truly a milestone, but instead a blast from my past. In 2020, just a few months before I launched the blog, a woman named Janice Windt profiled me for her blog about working moms. In the post, I shared about my history with postpartum depression and how cultivating self-compassion helped me heal and thrive.

Janice reached out last week to check in because she was reactivating the series. I checked the old post and saw the date–August, 2020. I immediately recognized this as the time just before I became certified as a meditation teacher and launched the blog.

It was pretty fun to catch up with Janice and send her an update on all that has happened in the last four years. Sometimes we don’t know how small steps might affect our lives when we take them. It was nice to have a chance to think about how much can come from putting a little energy and time into a new idea.

An image with a quote about how big change can from putting time and energy small practices like mindfulness

Sharing My Story with Friends

The last milestone moment is my favorite because it was celebrated with friends. I got to deliver a dharma talk for my local meditation community this past weekend. For those who aren’t familiar, this is lecture about Buddhism in community, similar to a homily at mass.

Since I don’t profess to be a teacher of the dharma, this is not something I have ever done before. I usually teach about mindfulness or meditation practice and my talks are usually much more practical. With this talk, I got to share my story about the winding road that led me to become a meditation teacher.

I was nervous to give the talk since I had been only an occasional visitor to the community and wasn’t sure how someone with a variety of influences might be received. As I spoke, though, my fears vanished. The group was engaged and we had such good discussion afterward.

The Call to Help Others

And what do you suppose was the theme of my talk? It was called “Stumbling onto the Bodhisattva Path.” It was inspired by The Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva, a classical poem that is well worth a read and in-depth study.

A bodhisattva is someone who trains in mindfulness and compassion in order to alleviate the suffering of others. Many of us who are brought up in the Christian faith may hear this and think it is essentially a saint. The point of my talk is that helping others is more ordinary and available to us all than we may think. It can even come as a surprise on the journey of life.

An image with a quote about opening up to oneself through mindfulness and others can be life-changing

What does this have to do with opening up?

As I was driving home from the talk, I was feeling an emotion that was hard to identify. I left the radio off so I could sit with it without distraction as I drove. There was a sense of connection, satisfaction, and well-being. And the title for this post, a playful rif on Marie Kondo‘s famous work The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, popped into my mind.

Opening up can indeed by life-changing. To an overthinking, perfectionist introvert like me, it can feel like magic. Mediation helped me slowly learn to open up to myself. Then writing and teaching mindfulness helped me learn to open up to others. Both have had a huge impact on my life.

With this post, I am celebrating progress because hard work and dedication deserves a celebration. I won’t let this reflection distract me for too long from my daily work, though. The daily work of meditation, teaching, and writing is where I have found the connection that is my biggest reward.

An image thanking all the readers and followers of the Brilliant Legal Mind blog which offers teachings and resources on mindfulness to lawyers

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Book Discussion with Yoga Specialists This Saturday

Join me on Saturday afternoon for a discussion of my book How to Be a Badass Lawyer ht and Q&A session. This session is perfect for anyone interested in learning more about mindfulness and compassion, writing, or the process of crafting a book.

In particular, I will explain the title for the book and discuss the four practices I teach in it, including: breath, body awareness, joy, and loving-kindness.

This session is done in partnership with Yoga Specialists. It is free for anyone to join. Lawyers, professionals, students, yoga and mindfulness teachers, and anyone is welcome.

You can register here.

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