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Understanding Anger: Mindfulness Strategies for Lawyers

I was asked to talk to a law school class this week about anger management in the legal profession. I’m not stranger to anger. As a litigator, it is something that comes up in my law practice frequently. As a wife and mother, I’d be lying if I pretended anger didn’t arise at home too.

Mindfulness practices and training have shifted my perspective on anger. They have improved it for the better. These practices have given me essential tools for managing anger at home and work. Here are some thoughts on anger for lawyers and some simple steps you can take to manage it better.

Anger is not all bad.

Anger is a volatile emotion and all of us know that it can lead to damaging, if not disastrous, conduct. But does that mean it is bad in itself?

From a mindfulness perspective, the answer is no. To the contrary, when viewed through that lens, emotions don’t have moral value. Instead, mindfulness calls on us to observe things, including our emotions, without judgment.

1. There can be good sides to anger.

One thing we may observe if we can look at anger nonjudgmentally is that it serves a useful purpose in our lives. Anger can help us clarify what matters, motivate us to act when needed, and enforce boundaries.

One reason we are right to distrust anger is that it is an exceptionally hard emotion to control. That is in part because of the energy it inspires. This energy, though, is exactly why anger is useful. It can force us to pay attention to things we had been ignoring or overlooking. It can highlight our values and standards even when we may find it more convenient to sweep them under the rug.

Anger can also offer a protective force for some of our more vulnerable emotions. When you watch anger long enough, you may find sadness, fear, or overwhelm lurking below the surface. Some of us may be primed to reject or judge these soft emotions, so anger has the potential to lead us to more wisdom about all of our emotions.

2. Most of us have judgments about anger.

Despite these potentially good aspects, most lawyers and people may have judgments about anger. In many cases, these judgments have been informed by our culture, families, religions, and professions. Some of us may have been validated for our anger, while some may have received messages implying that anger is off limits. Most of us are bound to have experienced a mix of these messages, which can add to the confusion surrounding the emotion.

In this way, an important step in understanding anger is to explore our own judgments about it. A complete analysis of this will also consider the cultural and developmental messages we received about anger. This might include whether we feel entitled to experience anger, how and whether anger should be expressed, and whether anger has any proper purposes.

Image with quote that says "Anger is not entirely bad. It can help us clarify what matters, motivate us to act when needed, and enforce boundaries."

What is anger? Seriously. What is it?

Because there are so many judgments about anger, it is important to ask what it really is. Even if it sounds like one, this is not a trick question or a philosophical one. With this point, I am prompting you to consider as directly as possible what anger is. When anger arises, what exactly do you experience?

Understanding anger clearly and directly is a fundamental mindfulness practice. When you know what anger is, you can learn how to manage it better.

In general, you are likely to experience some combination of (a) thoughts; and (b) feelings or sensations in the body. If you watch angry thoughts that arise, you are likely to notice a pattern. They may include some form of judgment or reaction and they often relate to some kind of boundary or rules violation or an unmet need.

The physical sensations of anger may vary for each of us, but what often arises is a surge of energy. Heat, power, and intensity are some of the most common markers of anger, as illustrated by artists and poets over the course of human history. In general, this energy motivates action but as we know the action is often not measured or thoughtful.

Anger should not be a way of life.

Though anger is a normal and necessary human emotion, medical science, life experience, and most world religions agree it is not a good way of life. For lawyers who train in the art of judgment and deal regularly with high-conflict situations, anger can easily become habitual. Why?

If you pay close attention to anger, you will notice a strange thing. Anger can feel volatile, scary, and uncontrollable at times. We may experience shame and regret after the fact. But in the moment, anger may feel good. It may make us feel powerful, energized, and crystal clear about the rules of life.

Think about it. Doesn’t it feel kind of good when you write the email reply telling the opposing counsel you can’t stand how wrong they are? In the flurry of emotion and energy, I bet you feel powerful, filled with creative arguments and poetic language, and most of all, right.

This is one of the things about anger that makes it so dangerous. The Buddha rather famously and accurately said that anger has a “poisoned root’ and a “honeyed tip.” Just like alcohol or drugs, anger can be intoxicating and addictive.

Image with question and explanation of what anger is when direct experience is examined through mindfulness

What is good anger management?

Based on all of this, you may be wondering what anger management means. There are a number of clinical opinions and high-quality programs for anger management. From a mindfulness perspective, though, good anger management for lawyers would include:

Awareness of the role anger plays in one’s life and work;
Understanding of the impact of anger in one’s relationships and community;
The ability to feel, hold, and understand anger;
Skillful and nonviolent navigation of situations involving anger; and
Effective strategies to avoid or mitigate anger.

Simple steps to start managing anger better.

This list above might sound like a tall order, especially for lawyers who work with anger nearly every day. In truth, it is a tall order for everyone. Our culture is steeped in anger right now, so changing our relationship to it may feel like swimming upstream.

In this regard, a healthy dose of perspective and self-compassion is in order. Building quality anger management skills may take time and require support, including from trained professionals, especially in the case of mental health challenges or past trauma. With this in mind, here are some steps that you can take to begin cultivating better anger management skills in your own life and work:

1. Explore messages and judgments about anger.

This is something that will definitely take time and may require help from loved ones, a therapist, spiritual leaders, or a coach to fully consider. However, some prompts for personal exploration might include the following questions:

What significant memories do I have around anger?
What reactions do I have when someone directs anger towards me?
What personal reactions or judgments come up when I experience anger?
What cultural, religious, or professional messages about anger are prominent for me?
Is there any way that aspects of my identity (race, gender, age, job title/role, educational background, etc.) affect my experience of anger?

2. Learn your anger patterns.

Again, this one will take some time and definitely some self-compassion to explore. Things to look for and consider include the following:

What is the context in which anger arises for you most commonly?
Are there certain things or situations that trigger your anger most clearly?
What is your response to anger (including mental or emotional reactions and behavior)?
Do you feel like you can manage anger skillfully and if not, what are some possible impediments to doing so?
Do you take the time or have established practices to process or understand your anger after you have regained calm?

Image listing 5 parts of good anger management for lawyers as informed by mindfulness practice

3. Find ways to hold and use anger energy.

There are possibly countless ways to learn to hold the energy that anger creates and put it to good use. Some of the most common and accessible include the following:

Sitting with anger and watching it until it fades. Notice where it shows up and how long it lasts. (Hint: it may be shorter than you think.)
Looking for signs that other emotions lie beneath the anger (Hint: look for sadness, fear, overwhelm, or loneliness.)
Move. Exercise is great. Housework can be great. Taking a walk around the block can blow off steam. Yoga may help you chill and release bodily tension.
Create. Making things is good for your soul and a good way to get in touch with it in a way the rational brain can’t access.
Take action. If something makes you mad, there may be a good reason for it. The energy of anger can inspire courage. As long as you remain steady enough, let it move you to act or to express your needs clearly.
Write or talk it out. Writing or venting can be a good way to release energy when it gets mixed up with thoughts. Watch out for this becoming excessive but short bursts can help you find clarity.

4. Learn to manage and question judgments.

This is yet another skill that can take some time to develop. The effort can be worthwhile, though, because the mental side of anger is often tied up with our judgments. As this blog frequently explores, meditation is something that can help with this because the practice is about noting our judgments. Other possible options include:

Catching yourself in a reaction. In your daily life, try to catch yourself in a reaction. Look for the judgment at the core.
Talking with friends or trained professionals. Social support is essential but outside perspectives can help us check our judgments and assumptions.
Evaluating needs v. preferences. Once you have started to catch yourself in judgment, you can next ask: is this a need or a preference? Needs may make anger worth it, but preferences may not.
Looking at our influences. We don’t like to admit it but our judgments are often informed by the people in our lives, past experiences, and media we consume. Looking at how these influences affect us and shape our anger can teach us a lot.

5. Practice re-orienting yourself to goodness.

Given that anger management may feel like swimming upstream in an angry culture and profession, my last tip is about perspective. Many lawyers regularly face situations involving anger that they cannot totally control or avoid. In general, people these days are lonely, overwhelmed, too busy, and lost in their own thoughts and judgments.

As a result, you may feel like anger management practices are impossible. Instead of expecting to avoid anger altogether, though, consider a view that instead your efforts are part of a practice of reorienting back to goodness. Yes, our angry culture and profession may encourage you to fight, close your mind and heart, and judge yourself and others.

An important anger management practice, then, is to build moments and practices into your day that do the opposite. These are ones that open your mind and heart, and encourage collaboration, connection, and rest. These might include practices like meditation, yoga, spiritual practices, creative efforts, or time with loved ones. These are essential practices for living a good life, but should be priorities for anyone who regularly faces anger in their life and work.

Conclusion

These are some thoughts on anger and how mindfulness practice and perspective can help lawyers and others manage it better. These ideas are not substitutes for quality mental health support or stress management and they expressly discourage self-judgment in response to one’s own anger. Instead, this post is offered to help lawyers and others understand anger to better support their communities and their own well-being.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Need Motivation to Meditate? Try This Hack

It’s a Monday night and I am trying to get myself into writing mode. My weekend plans blocked my normal motivation to write. Now I am stuck in last minute work mode and trying to find the motivation to crank something out. Then it hit me. My own life advice suddenly went careening through my mind. “Just do five minutes,” it bellowed.

And that, dear readers, is the post for today. The five-minute rule-or hack or strategy or cudgel for those really bad days-is something that has saved many a healthy habit for me, including meditation. It’s very simple, which makes it a perfect for those low energy times.

What is the five-minute rule?

The five-minute rule is not really a rule. I am not sure it has any basis in research. It’s not necessarily a scientific thing. Rather, it’s a practical thing. Finding motivation can be a challenge for any healthy habit and it can be especially hard for meditation. Why?

Well, if you don’t feel like doing something, it can be especially hard to sit and pay close attention to exactly how much you don’t feel like it.

What’s the answer to this problem? One simple answer is to cut down on the time you spend noticing how much you aren’t feeling it. This is where the five-minute rule enters the chat in the form of a motivational GIF and a caption that says “bruh, you can do anything for 5 minutes.”

The five-minute rule as applied to meditation.

I’ll explain this in less figurative language in case my metaphor and old millennial text speak was confusing. The five-minute rule is this: you do the thing you don’t want to do even though you know you should, but only for five minutes.

If your normal meditation habits is, for example, 20 minutes, you don’t worry about that. Instead, you just commit to 5 minutes. Then at the end you notice how you feel.

In many cases, you may find that (magically) your mood has changed and you may want to do more. If that happens, go with it. If you do not feel better and hate every second, you should instead stop, let it be, and praise yourself profusely for trying.

Image explaining the five-minute rule, a hack for spurring motivation for healthy habits, including meditation

Why five minutes of meditation matters.

You skeptics out there may wonder why this matters. You may think 5 minutes of meditation or any other healthy habit doesn’t matter. Perhaps you may be right if you are thinking of the five-minute activity by itself.

But when we are talking about habits, we aren’t think of one brief session. Instead, we are talking about hundreds or potentially thousands of them over the span of time. This compounding effect is why research is starting to emerge that shows that even small bits of mindfulness practice can impart benefits.

Short sessions done strategically when needed, though, serve another arguably more significant function: they preserve the habit. If you meditate for five minutes, that’s another day you have meditated and think of yourself as someone who meditates. In fact, if you meditate for a short burst on the days you aren’t feeling it, that isn’t just practicing the habit but committing to it.

Does this work for other activities?

You may be wondering if this hack can work for other activities too. Yes it can. Case in point, I used it for this blog post. I wasn’t sure I felt like writing, but I told myself I would try a few minutes. A few paragraphs in, I found my flow and discovered I was enjoying myself while typing away.

I have done the same thing for exercise too. As I have written before, I usually love my Peloton workouts. Some days, though, I am not into it. My strategy on those days is to do a warm up, which is usually-you guessed it-5 minutes. By the end, I usually feel better. But if I don’t, I quit, praise myself for trying, and call it quits.

Does it have to be five minutes?

Lastly, you may wonder whether the five-minute rule truly has to be five minutes. I’m the meditation teacher that says self-discipline is overrated. Do you really think I am going to be strict on this one? Of course not.

For the hack to work, I recommend investing enough time and to give yourself time to adjust and assess how you feel. However, there’s no reason you can’t try a period less than 5 minutes. For instance, if your normal meditation practice is 10 minutes, a shorter period of 2-3 minutes might make more sense.

Remember: your meditation practice is your practice. The good thing about mindfulness is that it calls you to pay attention. If something doesn’t work for you, notice it and try something else.

Conclusion

In short, when motivation to meditate is low, you don’t necessarily have to fight it. Instead, you could try going with it by reducing the amount of time that you meditate. You may find after five minutes of practice and want to do more, but even when you don’t you may preserve your habit and your identity as someone who meditates. Next time you find yourself unmotivated to sit, remember the rule: just do 5 minutes.

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It’s Mindfulness Podcast Season, Y’all

It’s been a while since I have been on a podcast, but I have come to recognize that sometimes there are seasons in life. For much of the year, I have been working on other big projects, including editing a legal treatise and developing new courses for mindfulness and attorney well-being. In the last few weeks, though, the season started to shift. I’m finishing up the treatise and the courses are now out in the world.

As if on cue, I got lined up to do several podcasts and I may be launching one myself soon for FDCC, a legal association for which I now serve as the chair of the wellness committee. Today, I am pleased to share two that I recently did with the Tattooed Buddha podcast.

Podcast 1: My interview

In the first podcast episode, I am the guest. As I have shared, I recently started contributing posts to the Tattooed Buddha blog under the fun name , The Boddhisattva of Power Suits. The blog’s founder, Dana Gornall, invited me on the podcast to talk about all of my favorite things: meditation and my path to it, writing, and how we both manage life.

Dana made the interview easy and enjoyable. It’s always fun to chat process with other writers and I love talking about meditation with people who really understand it. Dana does both.

I was also pleasantly surprised to find that Dana and I had another thing in common too: special education. Dana is an ASL interpreter and sometimes works in education meetings and settings. As a school lawyer, part of my practice relates to special education.

When I started writing on the Tattooed Buddha, I joked about whether I fit there since I not a tattooed lawyer. The conversation with Dana is proof that sometimes, when you look below the surface, you can find many ways in which you fit.

Podcast 2: Role reversal can be fun

In the second podcast, I got to ask some questions of a really cool guest. This was something new to me. Although I have done a few podcast-style interviews for the blog, I never got around to launching one of my own. Questioning is pretty natural to me, though, as litigator. And I was pretty excited for this one.

I had done a review of the book Confidence by Ethan Nichtern for The Tattooed Buddha. In the course of planning that review, I reached out to Ethan to request permission to use the book cover in the post. He replied and granted consent.

Then Dana had the brilliant idea to invite him on the podcast. Dana couldn’t make the time when Ethan was available so Kellie Schorr, another Tattooed Buddha writer, author, and someone well-trained in Tibetan Buddhism, served as the host.

As I wrote in the review, I found Nichtern’s take on confidence to be refreshing and useful. It was gratifying to see that he avoided the hackneyed tropes that characterize confidence as rising above the muck and anxiety of life. Instead, his book offers strategies for living fully engaged in life but learning to handle it better.

All of these things came through well in the interview and the questions from two different perspectives offered a thorough discussion. I encourage you to listen and then check out Ethan’s book.

Where Can You Listen to the Podcasts?

You can find all the podcasts in the links to the Tattooed Buddha page above. You can also find them on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Stay tuned for more episodes because I am recording 3 more in the next few weeks and hope to get the one with FDCC that is specifically for lawyers launched soon.

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You Don’t Have to Be Good at Meditation

I have seen a lot of comments on social media lately where people express an interest in meditation but complain that they just aren’t “good” at it. My answer usually includes some variation of the following: you don’t have to be good at meditation to benefit from it.

For lawyers and other Type A personalities, this may sound like crazy talk. Many of us are trained to think that we have to earn our stripes with something before it can help us. In truth, meditation is a skill and mindfulness and compassion are traits that can be strengthened with practice.

Meditation isn’t about mastery.

In this way, there is a learning curve when it comes to meditation. Does that mean meditation is fundamentally or principally about “mastering” the practice and becoming good at it? Not in my humble opinion.

To the contrary, meditation is sort of a rigged deck. Most people who do the practice never consider themselves good at it. This is because meditation is hard. Paradoxically, the simpler the style of practice one does, the more challenging you may find it to be.

The brain is not wired to stay focused on a single thing for very long. The default mode network of the brain kicks in when we are not intensely occupied and it causes the mind to wander. Thus, when you meditate, you are going against the grain (or should I say against the brain?).

Struggle is part of the practice.

In some ways, meditation is like strength training because the practice, in part, is learning to struggle. Though I generally enjoy exercise, I struggled mightily to build a strength training regimen a few years back. The reason? Strength training is not fun; instead it is a lot of struggle. When I do cardio, I get to move and enjoy music. But strength requires me to push really hard against a lot of weight.

Eventually, I got over this by figuring out a schedule that works and motivates me to keep going. One thing that helped me was seeing how much the strength training helped me. After a few weeks, I noticed that yoga was easier, cardio felt better, and those heavy doors downtown didn’t feel quite so heavy.

Image with quote: "In some ways, meditation is like strength training because the practice, in part, is learning to struggle."

Don’t expect benefits in your meditation practice.

The same is true in meditation. You probably won’t notice huge benefits when you are struggling to focus on the breath in meditation. Since the practice is to notice when the mind wanders, it may feel like a struggle even if you are doing the practice right. But, during this practice time, this experience of struggle may be normal.

This is why some people may say they aren’t “good at” meditation. They see and feel the struggle and think that they aren’t making progress or feeling benefits. In reality, though, meditation isn’t where you will see the benefits most clearly. Just like with strength training, the real question is whether the practice is creating benefits in your life.

Look for the benefits of your meditation practice in your life.

Look for signs that you feel better, mentally or physically. Pay attention to whether you notice your mind wandering in real life and whether you can refocus. Over time, you may notice even more changes like:

less rushing;
greater kindness, including to yourself; and
enhanced ability to check and question your own thoughts and reactions;
more mental space;
enhanced awareness of emotions; and
increased ability to relax and rest.

Image with quote: Don’t look for signs that meditation is working in your practice. Look for them first in your life.

If meditation feels like it is all struggle, though, get some help.

This is not to say, of course, that you should just “suck it up” when it comes to meditation. After practicing for a while, you should expect that the practice may get a bit easier and I hope you can learn to enjoy it. If that doesn’t happen, though, you may have some options for helping yourself.

You could try modifying your practice to make it more enjoyable. If you have a past history of trauma or other special needs, modifying practice may be essential as an act of kindness to yourself. You could also try working with a trained teacher or finding a supportive community. Taking a course to learn more about mind-body practices might help you too.

Conclusion

In short, I would encourage you as much as possible to let go of the idea that you have to be good at meditation. That’s not the point. Meditation is not about proving yourself, but just being yourself. The question isn’t whether you are good at meditation but instead whether it is good for you. Though I hope that anyone who tries meditation eventually learns to enjoy it, the signs that the practice is working for you are more likely to show up in your daily life.

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Should You Enjoy Your Meditation Practice?

The other day, I made an audacious comment on social media. I posited that one “can and should enjoy meditation.” Now, this was on Threads, a platform with character limits. It was in response to someone else’s post about struggling with practice. When I made it, I assumed the comment was a pretty basic thing to say.

Despite my experience with social media, I was surprised when people responded to this with hostility. One person used actual profanity and another responded with a video, presumably to tell me I wrong.

The real issue here was probably that social media is not the best forum for clear communication. Even so, these surprising interactions got me thinking. Is it okay to enjoy your meditation practice? I think so. No longer shackled by character limits, I will explain why.

Expectations in Meditation Can Be Dangerous

The commenter who sent me the GIF of a meditation teacher telling me I was wrong had this point to make: looking to enjoy your meditation practice is often problematic. Meditation can lead to a reduction in stress, a more open mind, and heart, and many positive life changes. But it does so when we let it teach us.

Looking for meditation to be a certain kind of experience often blocks this. One of the biggest benefits of meditation is seeing things, ourselves, and the world clearly. It’s hard to see things clearly when you have a big goal in mind.

This is why, when I commented that one should enjoy meditation, I wasn’t saying that one should expect to enjoy meditation. Instead, what I meant was that if meditation becomes a regular part of your life, it really helps if you find something in it that you enjoy. In this way, it is good to be open to enjoying meditation practice while being watchful of expectations for your practice to feel a certain way.

Image with quote "Expecting your meditation practice to feel a specific way can lead to problems, but generally it’s a good thing to enjoy meditation."

Are You in Shape for Meditation?

The woman who reacted to my comment with hostility, I suspect, had a different problem. She expressed a lot of struggles with the practice itself. As I have written before, this can happen for a variety of reasons.

People new practice may have to build up a tolerance for it. I started at 1 minute day and even then found all the thoughts and feelings I had been ignoring most of my life to be overwhelming. Over time, I had to learn a lot about letting go and responding to myself with kindness instead of judgment.

The other piece of this, though, is that most of us are not learning meditation in an ideal way. Many of us may be learning from apps, books, or guided meditations. This is what I did, so I don’t knock it. However, I can’t tell you how much easier the practice got when I began working with teachers and developed a good community.

If your practice is far from enjoyable, consider whether you are still learning and whether you could support your practice more.

Every Session Won’t Be Enjoyable

Although I generally enjoy my meditation practice, the truth is that I frequently don’t. Sometimes I space out and barely notice it. Sometimes it is painful, physically or emotionally. And sometimes I resist doing it because I don’t want to face what is lurking in my mind and heart.

After years of practice I now know that this is just life. I normally love working out, practicing law, being with my kids, and writing. Depending on the circumstances, though, all of those preferred activities can become painful.

In the times when meditation, or any other healthy habit, feels hard, I usually have to adjust, simplify, and give myself a lot of grace. For this reason, the surprising thing is that I often learn and benefit as much from the hard times as I do from the experiences that feel great. So, of course, every meditation session won’t be enjoyable. That’s life and it’s okay.

In General, Enjoying Meditation Is a Good Thing

After you establish your practice and work through the initial hurdles, I hope that your meditation practice becomes generally enjoyable. When you pay attention, meditation can feel pretty good. For busy people, it may be nice to just stop and rest for a while. In addition, breathing deeply and relaxing the body can feel nice.

But enjoyment matters for practical reasons too. Just like exercise, meditation can’t affect you in a positive way if you don’t do it. Life experience teaches us all that we are a much more likely to repeatedly do an activity we enjoy. This is what I really meant when I said one “should” enjoy meditation.

This wasn’t a rule. Instead, it was a remark on practical realities. Meditation is much more likely to invite you to practice if you find something about it that you enjoy. In general, then, it is a good thing to enjoy your meditation practice.

Image with quote: "Meditation doesn't have to be painful to be effective."

But What If You Don’t Enjoy Meditation?

Now, what if you have been meditating for a while and you don’t enjoy meditation? This is something that is bound to come up for most of us, but what can we do about it?

If this were me, my first step would be to see if I can identify the issue. Sometimes things like the time or location we practice, the physical set up for our practice, or the style of practice can be the culprit. Making adjustments or finding better ways to support ourselves can work wonders.

Perhaps a better option might be to work with a teacher or find a meditation community. Years ago, a five-minute interview with a teacher on a retreat told me it was time to loosen my grip on focus practices and shift to open awareness. That led to insights I had never had before and turned my practice into a respite rather than a battleground.

You can also consider taking a break from practice for a while, trying another mind-body practice, or brainstorming ways to make you practice a bit more restful and enjoyable.

Conclusion

Meditation is not an easy practice, but I believe it is something that can and should generally be enjoyable to do. Many sessions will be tough and we should all watch out for expectations that our practice produce only blissful experiences. With that said, enjoying practice is a good thing because it may motivate us to practice. In addition, learning that and how to enjoy a practice like meditation can teach us a lot about life and ourselves.

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Mindfulness: A Force for Balancing Ego and Recognition

I was fortunate enough to receive an award this week. Of course, it was a wonderful experience for many reasons. Who doesn’t like recognition? As a mindfulness teacher, though, I couldn’t help but observe the impact of such recognition on my ego.

When it comes to mindfulness practices, many people assume that the practices require us to abandon our egos. This may be part of the reason why some, including lawyers, think meditation is woo-woo or not for them.

Of course, there is variation in how different teachers and traditions treat the ego. I, for one, don’t think the ego is the enemy in meditation practice or in life. But having meditated for more than ten years now, I also know the ego is not always our bestie either.

So, how can you find balance when it comes to your ego and how can mindfulness help? Here are the steps I took this week to check my ego but also embrace myself while accepting an award.

The Ego and Achievement Aren’t All Bad

If you meditate long enough, you inevitably will see times when your ego is out of control and creating problems for you. It may rage at you when things don’t go your way. It may push you to work extra hard for approval or achievements. It may encourage selfish or unkind behavior.

For many of us, myself included, meditation may have a moderating influence on these tendencies. It may help you see the times when you are becoming self-absorbed or striving too hard. Easing back from these habits of mind may help you build confidence, expand your perspective, and live a bit more selflessly.

But you don’t have to rid yourself of all striving and ego. Pursuing goals can lead us to great things and other wonderful people. It can ground us in our community and help us serve others. Meditation can help you tell the difference between these two extremes so you can stay on the middle path of pursuing good without losing yourself in the process.

Reflection on Growth Is a Good Thing

One great thing about awards is that they may cause you to look back and reflect on progress. I certainly had that experience this week because the award I got related to a program I did in high school. Clearly, this means that I had to consider some good and bad memories from my life.

Mindfulness practices can certainly help with this. Self-compassion can help us accept ourselves completely even in our times of human frailty. It can also help us see the ways that growth emerged for us, including the people who helped us and the experiences that changed us.

Noticing the ways our personality shifts and changes over time is perfectly consistent with meditation practice. One of the foundational principles of Buddhism that many meditators are bound to observe is the concept of not-self. Reflection upon receiving recognition may be another occasion to consider this.

Image with quote from blog post that says "we don't have to strive to rid ourselves of our ego with our meditation practice. As social beings, recognition is a human need."

Feel Real Gratitude

We have all seen one too many posts on LinkedIn that start with a hollow proclamation of being “humbled and honored” for some recognition. This trope, though, doesn’t have to be the norm. The truth is that nobody who gets an award or achieves anything big did it all on their own.

Getting a recognition is a time to feel proud of yourself, but it’s also a great time to feel truly grateful. This leads to another fundamental principle that meditation may help you discover: interconnection. If you earn a recognition, reflect on this fact. Identify the people who helped you and the ways that they supported you.

Take the time to reflect on what this meant to you. If you need help with this, check my Gratitude Guided Meditation on YouTube or Insight Timer. Then, if possible, share your feelings with them. By doing this, you are moderating the emphasis on yourself and broadening the focus to your community.

Put the Achievement to Use

Another way to expand a recognition outward is to use it for a good purpose. Frequently, award recipients get to make acceptance speeches. They may get other attention from their community or even the press. If you get a chance like this, put it to good use.

Your recognition could bring attention to a worthy cause or idea. It could also offer a golden opportunity to encourage others to get involved in the community. Or it could provide an opportunity to share a brief story that may touch people’s hearts or make them think in a new way.

If you want to avoid making an achievement all about you, then focus on your broader community even in accepting the recognition.

Keep Things in Perspective

Recognition and praise is something we all want. As such, it would be easy for anyone to get stuck in ego-driven rumination when recognition comes. This is where letting go becomes a necessity.

It is really nice to be recognized for hard work, longstanding dedication, or a job well done. After the recognition ends, though, life returns to normal. That’s why perspective matters. Awards might boost us up for a bit, but nothing boosts us forever.

When recognition comes, enjoy it and savor it but don’t get stuck in it. Feel good for a moment and notice how important recognition is for all of us. Then move on with life and look for opportunities to boost and recognize someone else.

Cover image showing the 5 mindfulness tips for managing your ego amidst recognition from the blog post

Conclusion

We don’t have to strive to rid ourselves of our ego with our meditation practice. As social beings, recognition is a human need. However, when recognition comes mindfulness can help us stay steady and use it as an opportunity to expand ourselves, rather than becoming self-absorbed.

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How to Respond Mindfully to Nasty Emails

Cover image for blog post entitled responding mindfully to nasty emails

There are few things in life as satisfying as typing out a strongly worded email to someone who’s got it coming. Or maybe you have a colleague driving you nuts, so nuts in fact that you think a text message containing all your anger is the way to go.

As soon as you read these words, you probably see the error in this line of thinking. Yes, letting it all hang out in text or email may seem like a great idea at times. The moment we hit “send” on those messages, though, we are bound to feel something more akin to shame, regret, or even guilt.

Can mindfulness help us avoid this trap? Indeed, it can. Keep reading to learn how.

Why we need mindfulness when it comes to text and emails?

As I have written before, mindfulness is a faculty of mind for most humans. We generally don’t have to do anything extra, including special practices, to be mindful. With that said, when it comes to email and text, some extra help is frequently needed because those activities are so often mindless.

Consider how many text messages, personal messages, and emails you send in a given work day. If this number is large, and for most of us it is, then your use of these means of communication most likely is a habit. Habits aren’t bad, of course, but when there are habits there may be less conscious awareness.

Text messages and emails can be generated quickly and outside of the presence of the person with whom you are communicating. Doing things speedily rarely makes us more ethical. Less contact with others often implies less empathy and fewer options for establishing understanding.

What it means to respond to emails mindfully.

When I talk about responding to emails or text messages mindfully, I am talking about invoking the faculty of mindful awareness to support skillful communication. On a practical level, this means taking measures to counteract the risks stated above: slowing down the process, remembering our human connections, and choosing your response consistent with your values and ethics.

Here are five steps that can help you do this.

Image with a quote about why mindfulness is needed for responding to nasty emails

Mindful Step 1: Take a Pause

As noted above, emails and texts are dangerous because they are fast. They can quickly elicit emotion from us unless we have time to recognize it. Nasty emails and texts are likely to invoke the emotion anger, which often manifests as a burst of energy. One of the calling cards of anger, of course, is an urge to act immediately on that energy.

If you receive emotionally charged emails and texts, the first and best mindful step I can offer is to stop. Take a pause and, where possible, get away from your messaging device. Literally get up and back away from the computer or put your phone down. It doesn’t have to be for a long time. The point of this is to stop the chain reaction between your screen and your mind and body and give yourself a chance to choose your next step.

Mindful Step 2: Acknowledge Your Feelings

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: mindfulness is not just about being calm. Despite the common saying about sticks and stones, words absolutely can hurt us. They can even hurt lawyers and professionals who deal with shame triggers at work every day.

When you take a moment to pause, check in with yourself and acknowledge your feelings. This may show up with a multitude of thought reactions about the situation, the other person, or even yourself. It likely will also include the physical signs of emotion, including tension in your body, a faster heart or breath rate, or even heat in your face and neck.

You don’t have to make these things go away. Instead, you can note them in mindful awareness and offer yourself compassion for dealing with something hard.

Mindful Step 3: Get Help

This next step isn’t mandatory, but it may be a good option for challenging communications that are critical, recurring, or more deeply troubling. I’ve talked before about the “spotlighting” effect of empathy that can cause us to zero in on a particular person’s emotions. From experience, I know that this can happen with email and text communications.

One way to break out of this and get much needed perspective is to talk with a colleague. With this, I am not saying you need to ask the colleague to intervene in the communication. Instead, my suggestion here is to speak with a colleague as a sounding board to get a broader view and personal support.

I know many of us want to be independent, but I frequently check in with colleagues when dealing with difficult opposing counsel. It makes the experience less overwhelming and lonely. I also feel more confident that I am responding based on my judgment and not my resentment.

Image showing the five mindful steps for responding mindfully to nasty emails

Mindful Step 4: Invoke Common Humanity

Whether we like to acknowledge it or not, the humanity of the other person is present in all of our digital communications. I put this step next to last for a practical reason: it’s hard to recognize someone else’s needs when we are struggling.

Now, you may wonder about why you should care about the humanity of someone who just sent you a nasty diatribe via email? There are a few answers on this, but my best one is that it is usually better for everyone when we do so. Even from a very selfish perspective, most of us feel guilt and shame when we act in ways that are inconsistent with our values.

Email wars can cause us to forget basic values easily, but most of us want to to help and serve others in our work. Most of us do not want to harm and hurt others. A simple way we can do this is to remember that the person we are communicating with is a person with hopes, fears, dreams, and needs. Remembering that they are a person and not just an email or text troll can make it easier to choose our words wisely.

Mindful Step 5: Plan Your Response

This tip is less about drafting techniques than it is about the arc and meaning of your professional life. The plan I am talking about here simply means to ask yourself what your purpose with the communication is. This can raise deeper questions regarding your purpose in life, including at work, or your purpose with a particular matter.

It’s not necessary and it would be inefficient for you to expect crystal clear answers on these issues every time. Even so, asking yourself simply “what do I want here?” or “what purpose does this communication serve?” is a good start. Asking these questions is a way to reorient towards your values, meaning, and ethics so that it can guide your communication.

Conclusion

Copious and unpleasant digital communications are an unfortunate part of life for many lawyers and professionals. They can make our lives more stressful and pull us away from our deeper values. As with many things, an intentionally mindful approach can help. By slowing down, acknowledging our emotions and the needs of others, we can remember and reorient to effective communication that does not cause more harm. This can make our work lives better, less stressful, and more meaningful.

If you need a practice to help you go through these steps, check our our Guided Meditation for Responding Mindfully to Nasty Emails on Insight Timer or here:

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It’s Okay If You Meditate Just to Rest

I got up at 3:30 AM last week to catch a flight to New York City with my family. It was going to be a really long day. We had sightseeing and a Broadway show planned. Unfortunately, I’ve never been able to sleep on planes, trains, or automobiles. Lucky for me, though, I had another plan: I knew I would be able to meditate on the flight.

Meditation is no substitute for good sleep.

Trust me, I am the last person in the world to try to convince you that meditation is a good substitute for sleep. The impetus for my own meditation practice was postpartum depression, in part induced by intense sleep deprivation while trying to breastfeed my newly born daughter. That experience taught me many things but the most important may be that sleep is a nonnegotiable for me.

Regardless, the reality remains that sleep is not always an option. As a lawyer, I frequently have deadlines or a hectic schedule that can affect sleep. Even when we make the best choices we can, insomnia happens on occasion for a variety of reasons beyond our control.

When sleep is not an option, meditation can help.

In times like these, meditation can really help. On days after a less than ideal night of sleep, I find that a few minutes of meditation really helps me. For one thing, closing my eyes helps them rest and can ward off headaches and tension in my face and neck. Reducing my heart and breath rate also helps my body recover from the extra strain of slogging through the day on limited sleep.

I won’t claim that 10 to 30 minutes feels the same as a good night’s sleep, but it is close to the benefits one might expect from a power nap. Unlike a nap (a luxury my body rarely lets me enjoy), meditation doesn’t leave me feeling groggy the rest of the day. To the contrary, meditating for a quick rest during the day often feels energizing.

Image listing 4 reasons meditation for rest is okay

Meditating for rest can improve your mood and mindset.

Even if I don’t get a big energy boost from meditation, it offers other benefits. Mediation will usually stabilize my mood and mind. This usually means less grouchiness and generally less conflict with any people I may happen to encounter. This can even include myself.

Many lawyers like me may have a habit of pushing past or through our own needs. Taking a few minutes to meditate for the express purpose of resting–instead of improving yourself or boosting performance–is an important recognition that your needs matter. Most of us need reminders like this every so often. When life throws you lemons with too much business or not enough sleep, you make lemonade by taking the opportunity to practice rest.

Conclusion

Some of us who meditate may think the practice has to have some noble purpose. I have a noble purpose for my meditation practice: I practice to create less suffering for myself and others. But, you know what? I am pretty awful at reducing suffering for myself or anyone else when I am tired. And I bet that I’m not alone.

This is why I say that it is okay to meditate just for rest. It’s okay to let go of your noble purpose and big goals, at least for a few minutes. It’s okay to rest your eyes and body and give your mind a break. If you try it out on a hard day, I bet you’ll find that this use of meditation is perfectly consistent with your nobler purposes for the practice.

If you want to try some Guided Meditations with the aim of rest of mind, check these out on Insight Timer or here on Youtube:

New Free Download: Coping Strategies Ebook

Cover image for blog post sharing free download, Coping Strategies for Difficult Time ebook

When I teach mindfulness, I try to remind people that it is more than coping strategies. For one thing, mindfulness is not a practice or a strategy at all. Mindfulness is a faculty of mind that most human beings have. In addition, mindfulness is not merely about coping. A big part of it is, instead, being with an experience as it is.

Even so, the reality remains that mindfulness practices can help us cope. Mindfulness isn’t a practice, but practices and strategies may be needed to help many of us (myself included) tap into it. In this way, one of the benefits that many people experience when they explore mindfulness practices is an increased ability to cope.

Coping Strategies Can Make a Difference

As a lawyer who deals with stress myself and represents officials who themselves face many stressful situations, I have seen firsthand how much better coping can mean. It can mean less fighting. It can mean less fear and angst. It also mean more creativity, better communication, and better results.

It’s an exceptionally hard time for most of us right now. This week, I will be speaking for two separate groups about stress management practices. Both groups specifically requested demonstrations of coping strategies. I endorse a holistic and long-term approach when it comes to stress management but I can understand the desire for in-the-moment coping strategies too.

What’s in the Coping Strategies Ebook?

To that end, I created the Coping Strategies for Difficult Times Ebook. It is an approximately twenty-page guide with practices offered to help you cope in difficult situations. It is divided into 5 chapters:

Using the breath;
Relaxing the body;
Opening the heart;
Dealing with overwhelm; and
When you feel fidgety.

Each chapter has simple practice that can be done quickly in the midst of a difficult situation. It explains why and how to use the breath to quickly regain calm. It also offers a quick practice for connecting with the body or offering yourself compassion when needed. The last two chapters have practices that are ideal for times of overwhelm or when movement is needed to cause a surge of energy.

The Best Coping Strategy Is Social Support

I offer this book as a simple resource that may offer some support in difficult times. This is not to say that one can or should be expected to cope with all life situations on one’s own. In case you are like me and struggle to ask for help, let this serve as a reminder. Social support is the very best coping strategy available. If you need or might benefit from the support of loved one or trained medical professionals, please give that gift to yourself.

How You Can Get the Coping Strategies Ebook

Getting the ebook is easy. You can find it available for download here. While you are there, you can check out our other downloads and resources and Guided Meditations too.

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How to Be Sure Your Teacher Knows Meditation

Recently, I had a blast from the past when I did a guided meditation with Lil Jon. I had heard that Lil Jon, who I had known only as a rapper and producer, had released an album of guided meditations (paid link). When I saw Peloton offer a guided meditation with him, I decided to give it a shot.

I have to be honest that Chelsea Jackson Roberts, a renowned teacher of yoga and other mind-body practices, did most of the heavy lifting on this particular meditation. Lil Jon offered a few words, but he didn’t truly guide the practice. And this is when I started pondering.

How Do You Know If Someone Knows Meditation?

This post is not about yucking anyone’s yum when it comes to meditation. There are a lot of ways that people can come to offer guided meditations and spiritual teachings. If people like Lil Jon bring people to meditation with their enthusiasm, then that is a good thing.

With that said, many people offer practices and mindfulness tips on the internet without training or even a regular meditation practice. Some of these individuals, like Lil Jon admits on the first track of his album, are upfront about these things but some are not.

In case you are wondering how you can tell if a teacher is a good source for meditation advice, here are some questions to ask.

1. What is your personal meditation practice like?

Training and education are important for anyone who wants to teach, but regular practice is still essential. Even after more than 1000 hours of training in mind-body practice, I can easily say that most of what I know about meditation came from meditating. Meditation is something that can make an impact even if you only do it for a little while. Yet, it’s also a skill that is best kept sharp.

Where possible, learning about a teacher’s practice, including style, number of years, typical session length, and retreat experience, can help you decide if they can support you. If you want to make a practice a long-term habit, it really helps to be guided by someone who has created one for themself.

2. What is the lineage of your teaching?

Meditation can mean a lot of things. Even within Buddhism, there are numerous lineages of teachings and meditation practices. Outside of this, there are still more.

I have an eclectic background myself, so I don’t profess to tell you which lineage is best here. However, if you are working with a meditation teacher or using a lot of their meditations, it helps to know the source of their teachings. In general, quality teachers will be upfront about this. If they aren’t, ask a question or do some Googling.

Image with question that asks how you know whether a person offering guided meditations knows what they are doing

3. What teacher training have you done?

If there’s one thing I hate about the legal profession, it’s the elitism some people display about law schools. I’m not here to apply that same elitism to meditation teacher programs, in part because I have done a variety of trainings and benefitted from them all.

With that said, you ought to consider whether the teacher you are working with has any training in meditation itself. Many yoga teachers offer meditation, but many basic (200-hour) yoga teacher trainings don’t offer instruction in meditation.

Likewise, it helps to know how many hours of training overall your teacher has done. If you are able to investigate the course requirements, it may also help you determine if the teacher’s training is enough for you.

4. Do you have other training that informs your teaching or use of meditation practices?

One thing that irritates me about discussions of meditation on the internet is that they are often oversimplified. Well-meaning people suggest that meditation is easy or make claims about it’s benefits that aren’t always justified. Even more common is that people fail to account for the risks, counter-indications, and adverse effects that go along with meditation.

For this reason, it is good to know if your teacher can help you modify practice or ensure your safety if you have past trauma, neurodivergence, or other health concerns. It may also help to know if your teacher has any special training in things relating to meditation, including mental health, fitness, yoga, compassion, or other modalities.

An image listing the questions from the blog post intended to help you determine if your teacher knows meditation

5. Do you teach meditation in any way besides offering guided meditations?

There is a difference between teaching meditation and guiding meditation. With a good script, a person with a nice voice and calm demeanor could easily guide a pretty relaxing meditation. The problem is that such a person may not have the training to know which practice to offer when or how to watch a student or audience for signs of distress.

If you are confident in your own ability to select meditations that work for you and modulate yourself in practice, this may not pose much of a risk. However, there may be a limit on what such a person could offer if you have questions about practice or need more support as your practice evolves. If this concerns you, ask whether the person teaches, with explicit instruction or talks, in addition to guiding meditation.

6. What ethical or accreditation standards guide your teaching?

Lawyers have ethical rules that guide our conduct with clients. When it comes to spiritual teachers and guides, ethical standards are much less universal. Some yoga teachers may be subject to ethical rules if they are members of accrediting organizations like Yoga Alliance. Likewise, teachers who are also mental health providers or affiliated with a Buddhist organization are likely subject to ethical requirements.

Many other teachers, even certified teachers, may not be subject to any written ethical codes. Of course, this does not mean that such teachers are unethical or unqualified. It may mean, however, that you must ask to determine if the teacher’s ethical values align with your needs.

Conclusion

This post is not intended as an outline to cross-examine anyone who offers guided meditations. My goal is to make meditation more accessible and not to serve as a gatekeeper for meditation practice.

With that said, there are many people who offer meditation or talk about mindfulness concepts and not all of them have training or experience. I offer this post to help you get curious about the people who may be supporting your practice with teachings or guided meditations. Use the questions to satisfy your curiosity, meet your personal needs, and protect your safety.

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