I never used to ask for help. Like at all. For most of my life, I would struggle mightily on my own for hours. I’d wade in self-doubt, angst, and worry until some unwitting person happened upon me. So overcome by pity and confusion, this person would practically force help on me.
In situations like this, a part of me would be glad to get some support. Clearly, I needed it. Usually the helpful person would see something I hadn’t, have an expertise I didn’t, or at least calm me down enough that I could think again. Even so, being in this position of vulnerability caused me to feel something else too: shame.
There’s No Shame in Asking for Help
Shame at what, you might be wondering. Just for needing help? Of course, the answer to that question, justifiably scoffing as it is, is yes. I used to feel ashamed to ask for help and certainly to need help. Ugh. Even the words “need help” sounded so piteous to me then that I couldn’t bear to think they referred to me.
I am here to officially declare that I have changed my mind about help. In truth, help is not something to be ashamed of at all. Help, knowing when you need it and having people to ask, is something that should make any lawyer exceedingly proud.
Asking for Help Usually Shows Self-Awareness and Wisdom
Think about it. Asking for help implies a few things that any smart, capable professional ought to be thrilled to announce to the world. First, knowing when to ask for help requires two important traits: (1) self-awareness; and (2) wisdom.
Though nobody, especially lawyers, likes the experience of acknowledging our own limits, few would argue that being aware of one’s limits is a bad thing. In fact, most lawyers would readily admit that they have seen disastrous consequences for lawyers and professionals who lack the ability to see themselves clearly.
Wisdom is related to self-awareness but it implies more than a present moment awareness of oneself. Instead, wisdom only exists when one is aware of lived experience over time. Knowing when to ask for help requires wisdom because we have to judge when collaboration serves us better than individual action alone.
Asking for Help Means You Have Someone Helpful to Ask
Another reason why asking for help should make you proud is that doing so implies something most lawyers would want to brag about: a solid network. Think about it. If you ask for help, you are probably going to be asking someone with a talent, position, or expertise you don’t have.
Inherently, this implies that you are connected and on good terms with talented, powerful, kind, and prosocial people. This is something to celebrate and to relish. In fact, this is very reason that most lawyers take pride in cultivating good networks. We do so because networks can help us in many ways that most of us could never predict.
Asking for Help Increases Connection and Happiness
Hard as it was to face this feeling, I eventually came to see that this small act of vulnerability was a way to cultivate trust. Even to this day, it still feels awkward and desperate when I ask for help, but when I get it I always feel a warm glow. That warm glow is a connection to someone else and the feeling of support.
If you struggle with asking for help, you aren’t alone. This is a reality for most lawyers. Even if facing every problem alone is your default setting, you can change this habit over time. Remembering that asking for help is a sign of strength is a good place to start. Next time you start to feel ashamed at the thought of needing help, flip the script. Knowing when to ask for help and having someone to ask aren’t signs of weakness; they are clear signs of strength.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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Neurodivergence, including ADHD, has been an area of exploration for me recently as a lawyer, a parent, and a mindfulness teacher. ADHD prevalence in the legal profession is twice the national average. I have also had several contacts share with me recently about their experience being diagnosed as an adult.
Part of my searching led me to discover a great resource on the topic from someone who had researched it in-depth. Lidia Zylowska, M.D. is a psychologist who created a mindfulness program for people with ADHD and studied its effects in a clinical setting. She combines her research and insights in The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD, which I found to be a worthwhile and enjoyable read. Here are five reasons why I liked it.
1. Not Anti-medication
In case the title makes you nervous that the author “prescribes” mindfulness for ADHD to the exclusion of other things, like medication, don’t be. Mindfulness Prescription doesn’t do that. Dr. Zylowska says nothing in the book to dissuade anyone from supporting themselves with medication, therapy, or any other beneficial modality.
To the contrary, Zylowska offers useful guidance for people who may need to decide whether ADHD medication is right for them. She also explains that medication and meditation can work well together.
This is good news since, just like meditation, the decision to use medication to treat ADHD symptoms is a personal choice that may require consideration of a variety of factors. Rather than a directive, the discussion of medication in Mindfulness Prescription is aimed at empowering readers with information and ideas so they could make informed decision for themselves.
2. Offers a Clear Path for Learning Mindfulness
The book also offers a nice entry point and a clear path for exploration of mindfulness practices. The first section provides context and research regarding ADHD and explains why mindfulness can be an effective treatment option. Even if you know about ADHD, I encourage you to read the overview because it may increase understanding and motivate practice by clearly identifying potential benefits of mindfulness practice.
The second part of the book sets out Zylowska’s 8-week mindfulness program for ADHD. This portion of the book is ideal for readers new to mindfulness, since it offers clear guidance on practices that can target specific symptoms, such as a racing mind or hyperfocus. It may also be a good refresher even for experienced meditators because it offers so many suggestions for incorporating informal practices into life.
3. Doesn’t Exaggerate the Deficit in ADHD
My favorite thing about Mindfulness Prescription is that it didn’t let the “deficit” in ADHD take over. As a special education lawyer and someone who has loved ones with ADHD, I know it is common for people with ADHD to think of the condition as entirely a bad thing. This may be the result of problems in school, a series of negative comments over the course of one’s life, or a history of feeling obligated to work harder than others just to keep pace.
Despite research showing its potential benefits, this could make some people with ADHD feel like meditation, a practice in training attention, is not for them. Zylowska addresses this head on when she offers the idea that ADHD, just like many other conditions, isn’t all deficits. She reminds readers that all of us have relative strengths and weaknesses, and she explains that mindfulness is not just about focus but also non-judgment or open curiosity. Though people with ADHD may find focused attention a bit more challenging, Zylowska notes, curiosity may be a relative strength.
Overall, the book is clear that meditation is not about “fixing” oneself but relating to one’s life and oneself with greater kindness. It doesn’t merely offer practices to improve focus, but also aims to help readers cultivate self-compassion and self-acceptance.
4. Provides Formal and Informal Practices
The 8-week practice guide is built around targeting specific aspects of life that may especially benefit people with ADHD. These include focus, slowing down, body awareness, communication, and emotional regulation. In each chapter, formal guided meditation practices are offered to help the reader build skills in each area.
Though the formal practices are relevant and well-presented, the informal practices in the book may be the most useful. As an example, one practice “STOP” was an acronym to help you learn how to build regular pauses into your day. The acronym stands for
Most of us can easily fall into the habit of unconscious rushing, but people with ADHD may have the extra challenge of hyperfocus that can make this even harder. Small practices like STOP built into your day can help make mindfulness a part of your life even without formal meditation practice.
5. Explains Mindfulness with Science and Stories
While of course the perspective of science in the Mindfulness Prescription is beneficial, I was also glad that the book wasn’t just science. Each chapter and each practice was embedded in a story from life to exemplify its significance and utility.
Though the first section of the book is heavy on science, the second section used stories and examples that showcase how mindfulness can work in real life. This made the book a lot more enjoyable and engaging to read and helps readers envision how they might begin using the practices to support their own lives.
Conclusion
The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD is an accessible, yet thorough offering for anyone looking to understand how mindfulness can serve as a tool for people with ADHD or for those supporting people with ADHD. Lawyers, professionals, and others who want to learn more about ADHD or mindfulness or both can benefit from reading it and trying the practices it offers.
Founder’s Note: The links to the book mentioned in this review are affiliate links. The review is unsponsored and sincere but the links to Amazon are paid.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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Retreats offer community and an opportunity to explore extended periods of meditation. The problem, of course, is that busy people like lawyers may struggle to find the time. They may also feel a bit awkward about showing up to try such an intimate practice with people who feel like strangers.
Online Mindfulness Retreats Offer Flexibility for Busy Lawyers
The MILS Online Retreat, happening on October 26th, via Zoom offers a potential solution. I will be the first one to say that in-person retreats are superior to online retreats. In-person retreats offer the direct support of a group and there just isn’t a substitute to meditating when physically present with other people.
Online retreats, though, are an excellent option when in-person convening isn’t practical. In the case of Mindfulness in Law Society, with chapters and members spread across and outside of the United States, an online option is a good one. It makes the retreat more accessible to members with a range of time and life commitments.
The MILS Online Retreat Provides Lawyers a Community to Support Their Mindfulness Practice
The MILS Online Retreat Offers Lawyers a Chance to Try a Variety of Mindfulness Practices
With most meditation retreats, you will generally engage in a deep dive with one or maybe a few styles of practice. The MILS retreat is a little bit different. Because the MILS Online Retreat is led by several of the trained teachers who support the group, it has a variety of practices.
This means people who join in the MILS Online Retreat will get a chance to explore a variety of meditation practices. For example, this year, I plan to offer a “Jewel Tree” practice that I discovered in Ethan Nichtern’s new book on Confidence. This practice about drawing strength from one’s ancestors and mentors will be a nice complement to other meditation offerings.
Last year, the MILS Online Retreat also featured some movement practices, including walking meditation, qi gong, and gentle yoga practices. In this way, if the idea of sitting all day seems intimidating to you, the MILS Online Retreat is perfect because you will not be sitting all day.
The MILS Online Retreat Is Not Just for Lawyers
One other great thing: the MILS Online Retreat is not just for lawyers but for anyone in the legal profession. This includes lawyers, law professors, law students, judges, judicial staff, and paralegals.
Though membership in MILS is a prerequisite to participating in the retreat, the annual membership fee is not onerous. In addition, now MILS offers access to all members to a growing repository of online resources so that you can learn more about mindfulness.
Additionally, law students may join MILS and participate in the retreat for free.
How to Register and Join the MILS Online Retreat
To register and join the MILS Online Retreat, you can use the QR Codes in the image for this post. You can also find details and register at the MILS Events page here. If you aren’t a member, you will be prompted to join first and then you can register for the event.
After you are registered, you will get a Zoom link as the event date approaches and then you join by Zoom. If you can’t make the whole event, you can participate as you like and drop off whenever your schedule requires.
If you aren’t able to attend but are still interested in MILS, be sure to check out the MILS Virtual Sits. These are free guided meditation practices offered twice weekly via Zoom. Like other MILS events, they are open to lawyers and all others in the legal profession.
If you have any questions, please reach out to me and ask. I hope to see you there or at a MILS Virtual Sit soon.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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World Mental Health Day is coming up on Thursday October 10th and I am pleased to be celebrating it in a big way. I have three, yes three, continuing legal education virtual presentations coming up next week. Two are state specific, but one is available in several jurisdictions and one is completely free. All are eligible for ethics continuing legal education credit.
Check out the details below.
Kentucky Bar Association
On Tuesday October 8th, Claire will present an ethics seminar for the Kentucky Bar Association “Learn and Earn” program. The session is at 12 PM EST and offered virtually. This means you can eat lunch, get CLE credit, and it is free.
If you can’t make it on Tuesday or practice outside of Kentucky, no worries. The session on Tuesday is the same one that Claire will be offering on LawLine. After Wednesday, it will be on demand. Scroll down or check out my Events page for more.
LawLine
On Wednesday, October 9th at 10 AM EST, Claire will offer the virtual CLE entitled The Truth About Compassion Fatigue, Managing Empathic Overwhelm. This will be available for CLE credit in multiple jurisdictions. You will have to purchase it through LawLine or use your firm subscription.
On October 10th, the official date for World Mental Health Day 2024, Claire will offer a virtual CLE for the Pennsylvania Bar Institute. This one is inspired by her book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer. It will be for continuing legal education ethics credit and will include an overview of the 4 practices offered in the book: (1) breath focus; (2) body scan; (3) joy; and (4) loving-kindness.
This session is for anyone interested in what makes mindfulness and compassion badass and why it matters to lawyers. In addition to briefly explaining the meditation practices, Claire will share why each of them works. Learn more and register for the live presentation here. If you can’t attend on October 10th at 10 AM EST, the CLE will be available to watch on-demand later.
Conclusion
It is an honor and a privilege to have something to offer the profession in honor of World Mental Health Day. Join in next week if you want to learn, meet me virtually and say hello, or if you just need some ethics credit.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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I was asked to talk to a law school class this week about anger management in the legal profession. I’m not stranger to anger. As a litigator, it is something that comes up in my law practice frequently. As a wife and mother, I’d be lying if I pretended anger didn’t arise at home too.
Mindfulness practices and training have shifted my perspective on anger. They have improved it for the better. These practices have given me essential tools for managing anger at home and work. Here are some thoughts on anger for lawyers and some simple steps you can take to manage it better.
Anger is not all bad.
Anger is a volatile emotion and all of us know that it can lead to damaging, if not disastrous, conduct. But does that mean it is bad in itself?
From a mindfulness perspective, the answer is no. To the contrary, when viewed through that lens, emotions don’t have moral value. Instead, mindfulness calls on us to observe things, including our emotions, without judgment.
1. There can be good sides to anger.
One thing we may observe if we can look at anger nonjudgmentally is that it serves a useful purpose in our lives. Anger can help us clarify what matters, motivate us to act when needed, and enforce boundaries.
One reason we are right to distrust anger is that it is an exceptionally hard emotion to control. That is in part because of the energy it inspires. This energy, though, is exactly why anger is useful. It can force us to pay attention to things we had been ignoring or overlooking. It can highlight our values and standards even when we may find it more convenient to sweep them under the rug.
Anger can also offer a protective force for some of our more vulnerable emotions. When you watch anger long enough, you may find sadness, fear, or overwhelm lurking below the surface. Some of us may be primed to reject or judge these soft emotions, so anger has the potential to lead us to more wisdom about all of our emotions.
2. Most of us have judgments about anger.
Despite these potentially good aspects, most lawyers and people may have judgments about anger. In many cases, these judgments have been informed by our culture, families, religions, and professions. Some of us may have been validated for our anger, while some may have received messages implying that anger is off limits. Most of us are bound to have experienced a mix of these messages, which can add to the confusion surrounding the emotion.
In this way, an important step in understanding anger is to explore our own judgments about it. A complete analysis of this will also consider the cultural and developmental messages we received about anger. This might include whether we feel entitled to experience anger, how and whether anger should be expressed, and whether anger has any proper purposes.
What is anger? Seriously. What is it?
Because there are so many judgments about anger, it is important to ask what it really is. Even if it sounds like one, this is not a trick question or a philosophical one. With this point, I am prompting you to consider as directly as possible what anger is. When anger arises, what exactly do you experience?
Understanding anger clearly and directly is a fundamental mindfulness practice. When you know what anger is, you can learn how to manage it better.
In general, you are likely to experience some combination of (a) thoughts; and (b) feelings or sensations in the body. If you watch angry thoughts that arise, you are likely to notice a pattern. They may include some form of judgment or reaction and they often relate to some kind of boundary or rules violation or an unmet need.
The physical sensations of anger may vary for each of us, but what often arises is a surge of energy. Heat, power, and intensity are some of the most common markers of anger, as illustrated by artists and poets over the course of human history. In general, this energy motivates action but as we know the action is often not measured or thoughtful.
Anger should not be a way of life.
Though anger is a normal and necessary human emotion, medical science, life experience, and most world religions agree it is not a good way of life. For lawyers who train in the art of judgment and deal regularly with high-conflict situations, anger can easily become habitual. Why?
If you pay close attention to anger, you will notice a strange thing. Anger can feel volatile, scary, and uncontrollable at times. We may experience shame and regret after the fact. But in the moment, anger may feel good. It may make us feel powerful, energized, and crystal clear about the rules of life.
Think about it. Doesn’t it feel kind of good when you write the email reply telling the opposing counsel you can’t stand how wrong they are? In the flurry of emotion and energy, I bet you feel powerful, filled with creative arguments and poetic language, and most of all, right.
This is one of the things about anger that makes it so dangerous. The Buddha rather famously and accurately said that anger has a “poisoned root’ and a “honeyed tip.” Just like alcohol or drugs, anger can be intoxicating and addictive.
What is good anger management?
Based on all of this, you may be wondering what anger management means. There are a number of clinical opinions and high-quality programs for anger management. From a mindfulness perspective, though, good anger management for lawyers would include:
Awareness of the role anger plays in one’s life and work;
Understanding of the impact of anger in one’s relationships and community;
The ability to feel, hold, and understand anger;
Skillful and nonviolent navigation of situations involving anger; and
Effective strategies to avoid or mitigate anger.
Simple steps to start managing anger better.
This list above might sound like a tall order, especially for lawyers who work with anger nearly every day. In truth, it is a tall order for everyone. Our culture is steeped in anger right now, so changing our relationship to it may feel like swimming upstream.
In this regard, a healthy dose of perspective and self-compassion is in order. Building quality anger management skills may take time and require support, including from trained professionals, especially in the case of mental health challenges or past trauma. With this in mind, here are some steps that you can take to begin cultivating better anger management skills in your own life and work:
1. Explore messages and judgments about anger.
This is something that will definitely take time and may require help from loved ones, a therapist, spiritual leaders, or a coach to fully consider. However, some prompts for personal exploration might include the following questions:
What significant memories do I have around anger?
What reactions do I have when someone directs anger towards me?
What personal reactions or judgments come up when I experience anger?
What cultural, religious, or professional messages about anger are prominent for me?
Is there any way that aspects of my identity (race, gender, age, job title/role, educational background, etc.) affect my experience of anger?
2. Learn your anger patterns.
Again, this one will take some time and definitely some self-compassion to explore. Things to look for and consider include the following:
What is the context in which anger arises for you most commonly?
Are there certain things or situations that trigger your anger most clearly?
What is your response to anger (including mental or emotional reactions and behavior)?
Do you feel like you can manage anger skillfully and if not, what are some possible impediments to doing so?
Do you take the time or have established practices to process or understand your anger after you have regained calm?
3. Find ways to hold and use anger energy.
There are possibly countless ways to learn to hold the energy that anger creates and put it to good use. Some of the most common and accessible include the following:
Sitting with anger and watching it until it fades. Notice where it shows up and how long it lasts. (Hint: it may be shorter than you think.)
Looking for signs that other emotions lie beneath the anger (Hint: look for sadness, fear, overwhelm, or loneliness.)
Move. Exercise is great. Housework can be great. Taking a walk around the block can blow off steam. Yoga may help you chill and release bodily tension.
Take action. If something makes you mad, there may be a good reason for it. The energy of anger can inspire courage. As long as you remain steady enough, let it move you to act or to express your needs clearly.
Write or talk it out. Writing or venting can be a good way to release energy when it gets mixed up with thoughts. Watch out for this becoming excessive but short bursts can help you find clarity.
4. Learn to manage and question judgments.
This is yet another skill that can take some time to develop. The effort can be worthwhile, though, because the mental side of anger is often tied up with our judgments. As this blog frequently explores, meditation is something that can help with this because the practice is about noting our judgments. Other possible options include:
Catching yourself in a reaction. In your daily life, try to catch yourself in a reaction. Look for the judgment at the core.
Talking with friends or trained professionals. Social support is essential but outside perspectives can help us check our judgments and assumptions.
Evaluating needs v. preferences. Once you have started to catch yourself in judgment, you can next ask: is this a need or a preference? Needs may make anger worth it, but preferences may not.
Looking at our influences. We don’t like to admit it but our judgments are often informed by the people in our lives, past experiences, and media we consume. Looking at how these influences affect us and shape our anger can teach us a lot.
5. Practice re-orienting yourself to goodness.
Given that anger management may feel like swimming upstream in an angry culture and profession, my last tip is about perspective. Many lawyers regularly face situations involving anger that they cannot totally control or avoid. In general, people these days are lonely, overwhelmed, too busy, and lost in their own thoughts and judgments.
As a result, you may feel like anger management practices are impossible. Instead of expecting to avoid anger altogether, though, consider a view that instead your efforts are part of a practice of reorienting back to goodness. Yes, our angry culture and profession may encourage you to fight, close your mind and heart, and judge yourself and others.
An important anger management practice, then, is to build moments and practices into your day that do the opposite. These are ones that open your mind and heart, and encourage collaboration, connection, and rest. These might include practices like meditation, yoga, spiritual practices, creative efforts, or time with loved ones. These are essential practices for living a good life, but should be priorities for anyone who regularly faces anger in their life and work.
Conclusion
These are some thoughts on anger and how mindfulness practice and perspective can help lawyers and others manage it better. These ideas are not substitutes for quality mental health support or stress management and they expressly discourage self-judgment in response to one’s own anger. Instead, this post is offered to help lawyers and others understand anger to better support their communities and their own well-being.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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It’s a Monday night and I am trying to get myself into writing mode. My weekend plans blocked my normal motivation to write. Now I am stuck in last minute work mode and trying to find the motivation to crank something out. Then it hit me. My own life advice suddenly went careening through my mind. “Just do five minutes,” it bellowed.
And that, dear readers, is the post for today. The five-minute rule-or hack or strategy or cudgel for those really bad days-is something that has saved many a healthy habit for me, including meditation. It’s very simple, which makes it a perfect for those low energy times.
What is the five-minute rule?
The five-minute rule is not really a rule. I am not sure it has any basis in research. It’s not necessarily a scientific thing. Rather, it’s a practical thing. Finding motivation can be a challenge for any healthy habit and it can be especially hard for meditation. Why?
What’s the answer to this problem? One simple answer is to cut down on the time you spend noticing how much you aren’t feeling it. This is where the five-minute rule enters the chat in the form of a motivational GIF and a caption that says “bruh, you can do anything for 5 minutes.”
The five-minute rule as applied to meditation.
I’ll explain this in less figurative language in case my metaphor and old millennial text speak was confusing. The five-minute rule is this: you do the thing you don’t want to do even though you know you should, but only for five minutes.
If your normal meditation habits is, for example, 20 minutes, you don’t worry about that. Instead, you just commit to 5 minutes. Then at the end you notice how you feel.
In many cases, you may find that (magically) your mood has changed and you may want to do more. If that happens, go with it. If you do not feel better and hate every second, you should instead stop, let it be, and praise yourself profusely for trying.
Why five minutes of meditation matters.
You skeptics out there may wonder why this matters. You may think 5 minutes of meditation or any other healthy habit doesn’t matter. Perhaps you may be right if you are thinking of the five-minute activity by itself.
Short sessions done strategically when needed, though, serve another arguably more significant function: they preserve the habit. If you meditate for five minutes, that’s another day you have meditated and think of yourself as someone who meditates. In fact, if you meditate for a short burst on the days you aren’t feeling it, that isn’t just practicing the habit but committing to it.
Does this work for other activities?
You may be wondering if this hack can work for other activities too. Yes it can. Case in point, I used it for this blog post. I wasn’t sure I felt like writing, but I told myself I would try a few minutes. A few paragraphs in, I found my flow and discovered I was enjoying myself while typing away.
I have done the same thing for exercise too. As I have written before, I usually love my Peloton workouts. Some days, though, I am not into it. My strategy on those days is to do a warm up, which is usually-you guessed it-5 minutes. By the end, I usually feel better. But if I don’t, I quit, praise myself for trying, and call it quits.
Does it have to be five minutes?
Lastly, you may wonder whether the five-minute rule truly has to be five minutes. I’m the meditation teacher that says self-discipline is overrated. Do you really think I am going to be strict on this one? Of course not.
For the hack to work, I recommend investing enough time and to give yourself time to adjust and assess how you feel. However, there’s no reason you can’t try a period less than 5 minutes. For instance, if your normal meditation practice is 10 minutes, a shorter period of 2-3 minutes might make more sense.
Remember: your meditation practice is your practice. The good thing about mindfulness is that it calls you to pay attention. If something doesn’t work for you, notice it and try something else.
Conclusion
In short, when motivation to meditate is low, you don’t necessarily have to fight it. Instead, you could try going with it by reducing the amount of time that you meditate. You may find after five minutes of practice and want to do more, but even when you don’t you may preserve your habit and your identity as someone who meditates. Next time you find yourself unmotivated to sit, remember the rule: just do 5 minutes.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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It’s been a while since I have been on a podcast, but I have come to recognize that sometimes there are seasons in life. For much of the year, I have been working on other big projects, including editing a legal treatise and developing new courses for mindfulness and attorney well-being. In the last few weeks, though, the season started to shift. I’m finishing up the treatise and the courses are now out in the world.
As if on cue, I got lined up to do several podcasts and I may be launching one myself soon for FDCC, a legal association for which I now serve as the chair of the wellness committee. Today, I am pleased to share two that I recently did with the Tattooed Buddha podcast.
Podcast 1: My interview
In the first podcast episode, I am the guest. As I have shared, I recently started contributing posts to the Tattooed Buddha blog under the fun name , The Boddhisattva of Power Suits. The blog’s founder, Dana Gornall, invited me on the podcast to talk about all of my favorite things: meditation and my path to it, writing, and how we both manage life.
Dana made the interview easy and enjoyable. It’s always fun to chat process with other writers and I love talking about meditation with people who really understand it. Dana does both.
I was also pleasantly surprised to find that Dana and I had another thing in common too: special education. Dana is an ASL interpreter and sometimes works in education meetings and settings. As a school lawyer, part of my practice relates to special education.
When I started writing on the Tattooed Buddha, I joked about whether I fit there since I not a tattooed lawyer. The conversation with Dana is proof that sometimes, when you look below the surface, you can find many ways in which you fit.
I had done a review of the book Confidence by Ethan Nichtern for The Tattooed Buddha. In the course of planning that review, I reached out to Ethan to request permission to use the book cover in the post. He replied and granted consent.
Then Dana had the brilliant idea to invite him on the podcast. Dana couldn’t make the time when Ethan was available so Kellie Schorr, another Tattooed Buddha writer, author, and someone well-trained in Tibetan Buddhism, served as the host.
As I wrote in the review, I found Nichtern’s take on confidence to be refreshing and useful. It was gratifying to see that he avoided the hackneyed tropes that characterize confidence as rising above the muck and anxiety of life. Instead, his book offers strategies for living fully engaged in life but learning to handle it better.
All of these things came through well in the interview and the questions from two different perspectives offered a thorough discussion. I encourage you to listen and then check out Ethan’s book.
Where Can You Listen to the Podcasts?
You can find all the podcasts in the links to the Tattooed Buddha page above. You can also find them on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Stay tuned for more episodes because I am recording 3 more in the next few weeks and hope to get the one with FDCC that is specifically for lawyers launched soon.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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I have seen a lot of comments on social media lately where people express an interest in meditation but complain that they just aren’t “good” at it. My answer usually includes some variation of the following: you don’t have to be good at meditation to benefit from it.
For lawyers and other Type A personalities, this may sound like crazy talk. Many of us are trained to think that we have to earn our stripes with something before it can help us. In truth, meditation is a skill and mindfulness and compassion are traits that can be strengthened with practice.
Meditation isn’t about mastery.
In this way, there is a learning curve when it comes to meditation. Does that mean meditation is fundamentally or principally about “mastering” the practice and becoming good at it? Not in my humble opinion.
To the contrary, meditation is sort of a rigged deck. Most people who do the practice never consider themselves good at it. This is because meditation is hard. Paradoxically, the simpler the style of practice one does, the more challenging you may find it to be.
The brain is not wired to stay focused on a single thing for very long. The default mode network of the brain kicks in when we are not intensely occupied and it causes the mind to wander. Thus, when you meditate, you are going against the grain (or should I say against the brain?).
Struggle is part of the practice.
In some ways, meditation is like strength training because the practice, in part, is learning to struggle. Though I generally enjoy exercise, I struggled mightily to build a strength training regimen a few years back. The reason? Strength training is not fun; instead it is a lot of struggle. When I do cardio, I get to move and enjoy music. But strength requires me to push really hard against a lot of weight.
Eventually, I got over this by figuring out a schedule that works and motivates me to keep going. One thing that helped me was seeing how much the strength training helped me. After a few weeks, I noticed that yoga was easier, cardio felt better, and those heavy doors downtown didn’t feel quite so heavy.
Don’t expect benefits in your meditation practice.
The same is true in meditation. You probably won’t notice huge benefits when you are struggling to focus on the breath in meditation. Since the practice is to notice when the mind wanders, it may feel like a struggle even if you are doing the practice right. But, during this practice time, this experience of struggle may be normal.
This is why some people may say they aren’t “good at” meditation. They see and feel the struggle and think that they aren’t making progress or feeling benefits. In reality, though, meditation isn’t where you will see the benefits most clearly. Just like with strength training, the real question is whether the practice is creating benefits in your life.
Look for the benefits of your meditation practice in your life.
Look for signs that you feel better, mentally or physically. Pay attention to whether you notice your mind wandering in real life and whether you can refocus. Over time, you may notice even more changes like:
If meditation feels like it is all struggle, though, get some help.
This is not to say, of course, that you should just “suck it up” when it comes to meditation. After practicing for a while, you should expect that the practice may get a bit easier and I hope you can learn to enjoy it. If that doesn’t happen, though, you may have some options for helping yourself.
In short, I would encourage you as much as possible to let go of the idea that you have to be good at meditation. That’s not the point. Meditation is not about proving yourself, but just being yourself. The question isn’t whether you are good at meditation but instead whether it is good for you. Though I hope that anyone who tries meditation eventually learns to enjoy it, the signs that the practice is working for you are more likely to show up in your daily life.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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Founder’s Note: I had the honor and privilege of moderating a panel on attorney mental health with Jennifer Kleier, the author of this article. She wrote this article in preparation for the panel and it was originally published in the Louisville Bar Association’s May 2024 issue of it’s Bar Briefs magazine. I republish it here to offer wider access to this story of courage, resilience, and humanity in the legal profession.
I was eight years old the first time I remember binging. It was the early 90s, before the internet and smartphones. I had never heard of eating disorders and couldn’t ask Google what I was doing or why. My body understood though. It quickly learned that when I ate a large quantity of specific foods (high sugar/high carb foods) that I felt better. I wasn’t happy per se but I felt less sad and empty. Time and again, I chased these feelings and quickly learned to hide what I was doing.
How the Healing Journey Started
I learned to associate food with the highs of a binge and the lows that came after – the shame, judgment, and guilt. I instinctively knew to protect my secret because others wouldn’t understand and might even make me stop. The binging increased in frequency and, as I got older, became a normal part of my life. When I was fifteen, my dad moved out and the binging escalated to binging and purging.
I didn’t know how to deal with the big emotions I was experiencing and food was my shield, the only way I knew to protect myself. I was slowly dying inside but did my best to pretend like I was normal. During these years I maintained good grades and played competitive junior tennis well enough to earn a college scholarship.
My junior year of college my coach intervened and told me to get help with my eating issues. She was worried I was going to kill myself and refused to sit by and do nothing. She made me an appointment with an on-campus therapist who then referred me to a doctor about starting medication.
Mental Health Treatment
Though therapy and medication offered some minor relief, my eating issues continued. I was binging and purging daily, sometimes multiple times a day. I didn’t know how to handle my feelings and believed that at my core I was worthless and unlovable. I attributed any success I had to luck while taking full blame for all my failures.
In my mind I failed because I was stupid, ugly, fat, lazy – the list goes on. Every set-back and hurdle seemed like the end of the world and only proved my worthlessness. I was always on edge, in survival mode, reacting out of fear and disrespect for myself, my life.
Sometimes my depression and anxiety would overwhelm me and I would stay in bed for days, unable to get up except to find food for binging and purging. I would isolate myself from friends and family, ashamed and too exhausted to put on a happy face.
Change Can Be Hard for a Lawyer
Over the years, I shared some of what was happening. I saw therapists who focused solely on my past traumas and nutritionists who talked to me about the importance of eating a balanced meal. Still my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness grew, and I convinced myself these constant ups and downs and the ever-present issues with food were always going to be part of my life.
When I got my pregnant with my second child I again fell into a serious depression. After sharing with the nurse during a pregnancy check-up that I was having thoughts of running my car off a bridge, medical staff forced me to get a psych examination at the hospital emergency department.
How Did I End Up Here?
I remember sitting in the examination room, waiting for the doctor to come in, and thinking of the irony as I had spent a year of my career at the public defender’s office representing individuals held on MIW’s. They had gone through the same process that I was currently enduring.
I sat on the bed, in my hospital gown and socks with the rubber pads on the feet, and just felt numb. Luckily, the kind and experienced doctor recommended a medication adjustment and finding a good therapist. Although this offered some relief, the depression, anxiety, and self-medicating with food never stopped.
Finally, in February of 2021 my body rebelled. I developed a horrible, uncontrollable itching which, upon scratching, produced hives. I got them all over my body and could only find relief with rest induced by multiple Benadryl. I saw numerous doctors and got prescriptions to control the hives, but they made me so tired that I often struggled to perform basic daily functions. As a final indignity, I gained almost thirty pounds in a year which increased my issues with food.
Finally a Mental Health Breakthrough
Then two things happened which changed my life. I was diagnosed with ADHD and started working with a life coach by the name of Leah Brown Waterman. My incredible loving and supportive husband encouraged me to seek out this support by reminding me that I deserved it. I started taking medication for ADHD and learned more about how my brain works. I learned that I am not stupid, I just think differently. Now I embrace the way my brain works as a strength.
I met weekly with Leah and she helped me recognize that I have value, deserve good things, and am strong enough to endure hardships in life, even without using food as a coping mechanism. Over time, I learned to understand my thoughts and feelings better. While it now sounds obvious, I had been using food as a coping strategy since I was eight years old. The realization that my thoughts controlled my feelings and not vice versa was life-altering. This realization has helped me claim control over my life in a way I have never been able to before.
How a Lawyer Changed Her Thoughts on Self-Worth
Changing my thoughts about my own worth was difficult, but a turning point came when my oldest daughter turned eight. I would look at her sweet face, the same age I had been when I started binging, and I couldn’t stand the idea of anyone saying the horrible things to her that I had said to myself. Leah suggested I carry a picture of eight-year-old me and look at it whenever I have negative thoughts about myself and try to say the horrible words while looking at the picture.
I went further and carried a picture of myself at eight and my daughter at eight. When my thoughts turned negative, I looked at the pictures but I could never make myself say the words. Instead, I found compassion, empathy, grace, and mostly love. Through this process I have learned to love myself. And, in turn, loving myself has allowed me to be more compassionate, empathetic, and loving with others.
Healing Day by Day
This is not a perfect process and I am nowhere near perfect in it. I work hard at it every day, some more than others. I mess up quite a bit – with myself and with others. When I do mess up I try hard to make amends to both myself and the others that I hurt. Without food as my shield, I often feel raw and exposed, like I am just now learning to adult at forty years old. But I look at those little girls’ faces and know that they are worth it, no matter how hard it gets.
We are all deserving of love and respect. We are more than our jobs, more than this adversarial, often cut-throat profession. For the sake of ourselves, our clients, and our profession we have to find ways to be better to each other. Not to have unrealistic expectations of each other but to find ways to communicate better, allow ourselves and others to show vulnerability without punishment, and to give each other grace. This is true not just among lawyers, but also between judges and lawyers. We should all remember that most of us are still carrying around that little kid inside of us, looking for acceptance and love.
Why This Lawyer Shared Her Story
I wrote this because I imagine there are other lawyers out there who could benefit from reading it. The idea of putting my personal experiences out there for others to read has made me sick to my stomach the past few days. I have had to fight my instincts to curl into a ball and self-medicate with food. I procrastinated and concocted reasons to avoid writing. But my husband reminded me that I am strong enough to deal with any negative response that might come from it and that if it helps one person it is worth it.
So, I am trusting you to look on my story with kindness and ask that you show the same kindness to yourself. I know this is not an easy thing to ask because it took me decades to do myself. But this is the work we do every day. We face hard problems and try to show compassion for those who need it. By accepting that sometimes I need compassion too, I am in a better position to face and change the world.
Author Bio: Jennifer Kleier practices in Louisville, Kentucky at Karem & Kleier Law. She served for five years as a public defender and has spent the last nine years building an extensive practice in family law, criminal defense, estate planning, and guardianship. Jennifer is active in the community, including the Louisville Bar Association. She is the founding Chair of both the Gender Equity Committee and Health & Wellness Committees and currently serves on the Board as Secretary. She believes transparency about our struggles is key to creating safe, supportive environments for others who are struggling to seek help and shares her struggles in the hopes of helping someone else.
This post is the first of an ongoing series. If you are in the legal profession and are interested in sharing your story, please submit a query here. If you are not sure about sharing your story, there is no shame in taking your time. For a bit of inspiration about the benefits it might offer, however, check out my post here.
To learn more about suicide prevention and resources that can help, check out the following posts:
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:
The other day, I made an audacious comment on social media. I posited that one “can and should enjoy meditation.” Now, this was on Threads, a platform with character limits. It was in response to someone else’s post about struggling with practice. When I made it, I assumed the comment was a pretty basic thing to say.
Despite my experience with social media, I was surprised when people responded to this with hostility. One person used actual profanity and another responded with a video, presumably to tell me I wrong.
The real issue here was probably that social media is not the best forum for clear communication. Even so, these surprising interactions got me thinking. Is it okay to enjoy your meditation practice? I think so. No longer shackled by character limits, I will explain why.
Expectations in Meditation Can Be Dangerous
The commenter who sent me the GIF of a meditation teacher telling me I was wrong had this point to make: looking to enjoy your meditation practice is often problematic. Meditation can lead to a reduction in stress, a more open mind, and heart, and many positive life changes. But it does so when we let it teach us.
This is why, when I commented that one should enjoy meditation, I wasn’t saying that one should expect to enjoy meditation. Instead, what I meant was that if meditation becomes a regular part of your life, it really helps if you find something in it that you enjoy. In this way, it is good to be open to enjoying meditation practice while being watchful of expectations for your practice to feel a certain way.
Are You in Shape for Meditation?
The woman who reacted to my comment with hostility, I suspect, had a different problem. She expressed a lot of struggles with the practice itself. As I have written before, this can happen for a variety of reasons.
People new practice may have to build up a tolerance for it. I started at 1 minute day and even then found all the thoughts and feelings I had been ignoring most of my life to be overwhelming. Over time, I had to learn a lot about letting go and responding to myself with kindness instead of judgment.
If your practice is far from enjoyable, consider whether you are still learning and whether you could support your practice more.
Every Session Won’t Be Enjoyable
Although I generally enjoy my meditation practice, the truth is that I frequently don’t. Sometimes I space out and barely notice it. Sometimes it is painful, physically or emotionally. And sometimes I resist doing it because I don’t want to face what is lurking in my mind and heart.
After years of practice I now know that this is just life. I normally love working out, practicing law, being with my kids, and writing. Depending on the circumstances, though, all of those preferred activities can become painful.
In the times when meditation, or any other healthy habit, feels hard, I usually have to adjust, simplify, and give myself a lot of grace. For this reason, the surprising thing is that I often learn and benefit as much from the hard times as I do from the experiences that feel great. So, of course, every meditation session won’t be enjoyable. That’s life and it’s okay.
But enjoyment matters for practical reasons too. Just like exercise, meditation can’t affect you in a positive way if you don’t do it. Life experience teaches us all that we are a much more likely to repeatedly do an activity we enjoy. This is what I really meant when I said one “should” enjoy meditation.
This wasn’t a rule. Instead, it was a remark on practical realities. Meditation is much more likely to invite you to practice if you find something about it that you enjoy. In general, then, it is a good thing to enjoy your meditation practice.
But What If You Don’t Enjoy Meditation?
Now, what if you have been meditating for a while and you don’t enjoy meditation? This is something that is bound to come up for most of us, but what can we do about it?
If this were me, my first step would be to see if I can identify the issue. Sometimes things like the time or location we practice, the physical set up for our practice, or the style of practice can be the culprit. Making adjustments or finding better ways to support ourselves can work wonders.
Perhaps a better option might be to work with a teacher or find a meditation community. Years ago, a five-minute interview with a teacher on a retreat told me it was time to loosen my grip on focus practices and shift to open awareness. That led to insights I had never had before and turned my practice into a respite rather than a battleground.
Meditation is not an easy practice, but I believe it is something that can and should generally be enjoyable to do. Many sessions will be tough and we should all watch out for expectations that our practice produce only blissful experiences. With that said, enjoying practice is a good thing because it may motivate us to practice. In addition, learning that and how to enjoy a practice like meditation can teach us a lot about life and ourselves.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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