Summer tends to be a slower time for me as a lawyer. As a mindfulness teacher, though, my summer is pretty exciting. I am thrilled to have to wonderful events regarding mindfulness for lawyers coming this July.
Keep reading to learn the details for both and find ways to participate.
Anger Management CLE for Lawyers in Pennsylvania
On July 16th at 10 AM, I will be offering a virtual CLE for the Pennsylvania Bar Institute on anger management for lawyers. Mindfulness is a powerful tool that can help lawyers manage and care for our emotions. Anger is no exception.
This webinar is available virtually through the Pennsylvania Bar Institute but CLE credit may be available in other states as well. You can watch on-demand here.
The second day will include a retreat at Spirit Rock Meditation Center. Spirit Rock is a beautiful facility founded by some of the most well-known meditation teachers in the United States. This day will be an opportunity to practice mindfulness with other lawyers in community.
To participate, register for both the conference and retreat separately at the links provided above.
This Will Be a Great Summer for Mindfulness in Law
I hope to see you or maybe even meet you at these events. If you cannot attend, the MILS Virtual Sits happen twice a week and are another great option for lawyers and others in the legal profession. Keep checking my events page for more opportunities to practice and learn about mindfulness.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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Whenever I get the chance, I talk about self-compassion. It is one of the biggest and most beneficial changes I have made over the course of my life. As a lawyer, it is essential to help me manage the stresses and challenges of law practice. The other day, though, a friend reminded me of yet another reason. Self-compassion can help with anger.
I teach about self-compassion all the time, but it was honestly nice to be reminded of this fact. For one thing, it was good timing because I am preparing to present a CLE on anger management for lawyers. In addition, self-compassion is not always easy to practice, so it was nice to remember yet another benefit of this trait.
The Relationship Between Self-Compassion and Anger
The friend who told me about the positive impact self-compassion can have on anger is another mindfulness teacher. I didn’t doubt her memory, but I wanted to confirm for myself. As a result, I visited researcher, Kristin Neff’s, website to see what I could find.
In a quick search, I found at least 3 studies that confirmed that self-compassion indeed had an impact on anger. These included the following studies showing that:
These are just a few examples, but all of these studies reveal that my friend was right. Indeed, self-compassion has an impact on anger and how we process it.
How Are Self-Compassion and Anger Related?
If you read any of the studies above, you may get some insights about the way that self-compassion can help us navigate and let go of anger. As a mindfulness teacher and someone who has historically struggled with anger, I have seen exactly how the two things are related.
Here are just a few ways that I believe self-compassion has helped me to be a less angry person.
I practice anger and judgment less. This means I disrupt the habitual anger reaction. Instead, I have replaced it (most of the time) with remembering common humanity.
I allow my feelings more and block them less. It took years but quite literally I have learned to let myself feel my emotions. This has created clarity about what matters and what doesn’t.
I focus more on honoring my own needs. When I meet my needs more, I feel better and don’t feel angry as much.
All of these things help me see others with kinder and gentler eyes. When I accept how I feel and what I need, I remember more often the humanity of other people.
Why Should Lawyers and Professionals or Anyone Else Care?
This one is obvious to most lawyers. Anger is a constant and frequent threat for us, just like it is for many business professionals. Our jobs often entail stress, time constraints, and conflict. This is a breeding ground for anger in and of itself.
In addition, as I have written before, anger and judgment are strongly correlated. Nothing will create an anger reaction more than the perception that someone has broken the rules or invaded a personal boundary. This kind of analysis is a lawyer’s stock and trade. To some degree, this means that many lawyers and other professionals practice anger every day at work.
Easy Ways to Begin Exploring Self-Compassion Even If You Are Unsure about It
Despite the promising research, many people remain skeptical or unsure about cultivating self-compassion. Even though research exists to the contrary, they may be concerned that self-compassion will make them weak. In addition, they may be concerned that they can never change, even though countless studies demonstrate that self-compassion can be cultivated.
If this is you, I encourage you to first be self-compassionate towards yourself by not pushing too far. You don’t have to change your mind right away. All of those fears are normal and besides change takes time.
If you want to explore self-compassion more deeply, including to help you manage anger, I hope this list of resources will help:
Anger is a human emotion that happens to us all. Though we should not strive to never be angry in life, many lawyers and professionals may need help managing it. If you have a busy, stressful, or conflict-heavy job, you may need to pay extra attention to the role that anger plays in your life and work. The good news is that self-compassion is a trait you can cultivate with simple practices over time. If you give them a try, you may help yourself build a happier, healthier, and less angry life.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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I was asked to talk to a law school class this week about anger management in the legal profession. I’m not stranger to anger. As a litigator, it is something that comes up in my law practice frequently. As a wife and mother, I’d be lying if I pretended anger didn’t arise at home too.
Mindfulness practices and training have shifted my perspective on anger. They have improved it for the better. These practices have given me essential tools for managing anger at home and work. Here are some thoughts on anger for lawyers and some simple steps you can take to manage it better.
Anger is not all bad.
Anger is a volatile emotion and all of us know that it can lead to damaging, if not disastrous, conduct. But does that mean it is bad in itself?
From a mindfulness perspective, the answer is no. To the contrary, when viewed through that lens, emotions don’t have moral value. Instead, mindfulness calls on us to observe things, including our emotions, without judgment.
1. There can be good sides to anger.
One thing we may observe if we can look at anger nonjudgmentally is that it serves a useful purpose in our lives. Anger can help us clarify what matters, motivate us to act when needed, and enforce boundaries.
One reason we are right to distrust anger is that it is an exceptionally hard emotion to control. That is in part because of the energy it inspires. This energy, though, is exactly why anger is useful. It can force us to pay attention to things we had been ignoring or overlooking. It can highlight our values and standards even when we may find it more convenient to sweep them under the rug.
Anger can also offer a protective force for some of our more vulnerable emotions. When you watch anger long enough, you may find sadness, fear, or overwhelm lurking below the surface. Some of us may be primed to reject or judge these soft emotions, so anger has the potential to lead us to more wisdom about all of our emotions.
2. Most of us have judgments about anger.
Despite these potentially good aspects, most lawyers and people may have judgments about anger. In many cases, these judgments have been informed by our culture, families, religions, and professions. Some of us may have been validated for our anger, while some may have received messages implying that anger is off limits. Most of us are bound to have experienced a mix of these messages, which can add to the confusion surrounding the emotion.
In this way, an important step in understanding anger is to explore our own judgments about it. A complete analysis of this will also consider the cultural and developmental messages we received about anger. This might include whether we feel entitled to experience anger, how and whether anger should be expressed, and whether anger has any proper purposes.
What is anger? Seriously. What is it?
Because there are so many judgments about anger, it is important to ask what it really is. Even if it sounds like one, this is not a trick question or a philosophical one. With this point, I am prompting you to consider as directly as possible what anger is. When anger arises, what exactly do you experience?
Understanding anger clearly and directly is a fundamental mindfulness practice. When you know what anger is, you can learn how to manage it better.
In general, you are likely to experience some combination of (a) thoughts; and (b) feelings or sensations in the body. If you watch angry thoughts that arise, you are likely to notice a pattern. They may include some form of judgment or reaction and they often relate to some kind of boundary or rules violation or an unmet need.
The physical sensations of anger may vary for each of us, but what often arises is a surge of energy. Heat, power, and intensity are some of the most common markers of anger, as illustrated by artists and poets over the course of human history. In general, this energy motivates action but as we know the action is often not measured or thoughtful.
Anger should not be a way of life.
Though anger is a normal and necessary human emotion, medical science, life experience, and most world religions agree it is not a good way of life. For lawyers who train in the art of judgment and deal regularly with high-conflict situations, anger can easily become habitual. Why?
If you pay close attention to anger, you will notice a strange thing. Anger can feel volatile, scary, and uncontrollable at times. We may experience shame and regret after the fact. But in the moment, anger may feel good. It may make us feel powerful, energized, and crystal clear about the rules of life.
Think about it. Doesn’t it feel kind of good when you write the email reply telling the opposing counsel you can’t stand how wrong they are? In the flurry of emotion and energy, I bet you feel powerful, filled with creative arguments and poetic language, and most of all, right.
This is one of the things about anger that makes it so dangerous. The Buddha rather famously and accurately said that anger has a “poisoned root’ and a “honeyed tip.” Just like alcohol or drugs, anger can be intoxicating and addictive.
What is good anger management?
Based on all of this, you may be wondering what anger management means. There are a number of clinical opinions and high-quality programs for anger management. From a mindfulness perspective, though, good anger management for lawyers would include:
Awareness of the role anger plays in one’s life and work;
Understanding of the impact of anger in one’s relationships and community;
The ability to feel, hold, and understand anger;
Skillful and nonviolent navigation of situations involving anger; and
Effective strategies to avoid or mitigate anger.
Simple steps to start managing anger better.
This list above might sound like a tall order, especially for lawyers who work with anger nearly every day. In truth, it is a tall order for everyone. Our culture is steeped in anger right now, so changing our relationship to it may feel like swimming upstream.
In this regard, a healthy dose of perspective and self-compassion is in order. Building quality anger management skills may take time and require support, including from trained professionals, especially in the case of mental health challenges or past trauma. With this in mind, here are some steps that you can take to begin cultivating better anger management skills in your own life and work:
1. Explore messages and judgments about anger.
This is something that will definitely take time and may require help from loved ones, a therapist, spiritual leaders, or a coach to fully consider. However, some prompts for personal exploration might include the following questions:
What significant memories do I have around anger?
What reactions do I have when someone directs anger towards me?
What personal reactions or judgments come up when I experience anger?
What cultural, religious, or professional messages about anger are prominent for me?
Is there any way that aspects of my identity (race, gender, age, job title/role, educational background, etc.) affect my experience of anger?
2. Learn your anger patterns.
Again, this one will take some time and definitely some self-compassion to explore. Things to look for and consider include the following:
What is the context in which anger arises for you most commonly?
Are there certain things or situations that trigger your anger most clearly?
What is your response to anger (including mental or emotional reactions and behavior)?
Do you feel like you can manage anger skillfully and if not, what are some possible impediments to doing so?
Do you take the time or have established practices to process or understand your anger after you have regained calm?
3. Find ways to hold and use anger energy.
There are possibly countless ways to learn to hold the energy that anger creates and put it to good use. Some of the most common and accessible include the following:
Sitting with anger and watching it until it fades. Notice where it shows up and how long it lasts. (Hint: it may be shorter than you think.)
Looking for signs that other emotions lie beneath the anger (Hint: look for sadness, fear, overwhelm, or loneliness.)
Move. Exercise is great. Housework can be great. Taking a walk around the block can blow off steam. Yoga may help you chill and release bodily tension.
Take action. If something makes you mad, there may be a good reason for it. The energy of anger can inspire courage. As long as you remain steady enough, let it move you to act or to express your needs clearly.
Write or talk it out. Writing or venting can be a good way to release energy when it gets mixed up with thoughts. Watch out for this becoming excessive but short bursts can help you find clarity.
4. Learn to manage and question judgments.
This is yet another skill that can take some time to develop. The effort can be worthwhile, though, because the mental side of anger is often tied up with our judgments. As this blog frequently explores, meditation is something that can help with this because the practice is about noting our judgments. Other possible options include:
Catching yourself in a reaction. In your daily life, try to catch yourself in a reaction. Look for the judgment at the core.
Talking with friends or trained professionals. Social support is essential but outside perspectives can help us check our judgments and assumptions.
Evaluating needs v. preferences. Once you have started to catch yourself in judgment, you can next ask: is this a need or a preference? Needs may make anger worth it, but preferences may not.
Looking at our influences. We don’t like to admit it but our judgments are often informed by the people in our lives, past experiences, and media we consume. Looking at how these influences affect us and shape our anger can teach us a lot.
5. Practice re-orienting yourself to goodness.
Given that anger management may feel like swimming upstream in an angry culture and profession, my last tip is about perspective. Many lawyers regularly face situations involving anger that they cannot totally control or avoid. In general, people these days are lonely, overwhelmed, too busy, and lost in their own thoughts and judgments.
As a result, you may feel like anger management practices are impossible. Instead of expecting to avoid anger altogether, though, consider a view that instead your efforts are part of a practice of reorienting back to goodness. Yes, our angry culture and profession may encourage you to fight, close your mind and heart, and judge yourself and others.
An important anger management practice, then, is to build moments and practices into your day that do the opposite. These are ones that open your mind and heart, and encourage collaboration, connection, and rest. These might include practices like meditation, yoga, spiritual practices, creative efforts, or time with loved ones. These are essential practices for living a good life, but should be priorities for anyone who regularly faces anger in their life and work.
Conclusion
These are some thoughts on anger and how mindfulness practice and perspective can help lawyers and others manage it better. These ideas are not substitutes for quality mental health support or stress management and they expressly discourage self-judgment in response to one’s own anger. Instead, this post is offered to help lawyers and others understand anger to better support their communities and their own well-being.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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