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Five Reasons Kindness Is Essential for Lawyers

In honor of World Kindness Day, I am giving a talk this week on the power of kindness for lawyers and legal professionals. Many lawyers are skeptical of kindness, at least in relation to our work. We worry that kindness will be viewed as weakness by others and lead to passivity in ourselves.

Clearly, I don’t have illusions that I can convince an entire profession on this point, but I don’t think I have to do any convincing. If you pay attention to what kindness really is, you will see that it is powerful and essential for lawyers today. Here are five things to consider as you explore this for yourself.

1. Kindness Is Rare for Lawyers and Therefore Precious.

As a general matter, I have had mostly positive experiences with other lawyers. In general, I have experienced that lawyers are polite and professional in most settings. Real kindness, on the other hand, is more rare.

As discussed below, law practice is often challenging and filled with stress. This both makes kindness more essential and also more challenging. As most of us know, the difference between a difficult and unbearable situation is kindness. I cannot tell you how much of a difference it makes to work with an opposing counsel who is kind. We communicate more effectively and work through problems more efficiently as a result.

Though I know that many clients think they want a bulldog lawyer, I have found those types of litigators to often be ineffective. Therefore, if you want to really show power, calm, control, and courage in law practice, being kind is the way to go.

2. Kindness Is Essential in Difficult Times.

I have written before that kindness is an essential trait for difficult times. Lawyers, of course, are usually dealing with difficult times. We are literally paid to manage other people’s problems. This means our stock and trade is dealing with people going through really hard situations.

If lawyers are to weather these storms, we must learn skills for caring for ourselves and others. Sometimes this may include tending to our own fears, worries, and hurts. Sometimes it may mean patience with a stressed or unskillful opponent. And sometimes it may mean showing calm courage for our scared clients.

Either way, kindness is essential for lawyers because it helps us and our clients navigate challenging situations.

3. Kindness Is An Antidote to Fear and Aggression.

Because stress and conflict is a big part of law practice, fear and aggression unfortunately are too. This can be hard for our clients, but it is definitely hard for lawyers. One of the reasons that kindness is so powerful is that it helps people feel safe or at least safer.

In this way, kindness is an antidote to fear and aggression. It is a way that we can calm our own nerves and built trust and safety with those around us. Kindness may not make fear and aggression disappear entirely but it can help us create a sense of steadiness and comfort during emotional upheaval.

This can help lawyers focus more squarely on the relevant issues and avoid creating additional fights.

Image sharing the five ways that kindness is essential for lawyers as shared in the blog post

4. Kindness Builds the Connections that Lawyers Need.

Related to the feeling of safety is trust. Most lawyers know that relationships are at the core of law practice. Relationships permeate what we do as lawyers, including those with our firm, opposing counsel, and clients.

Kindness is a way to build trust because it is how we demonstrate care and concern for others. One of the reasons that litigation is so difficult is that trust is often lacking between parties and legal counsel as well. This is one reason that kind and professional speech is so important in litigation contexts.

When trust is lacking, it is easy to misunderstand each other and overreactions are bound to occur. Kindness is a way to cut through this animosity and rebuild the trust that is so essential to our working relationships.

5. Kindness Looks Soft but Feels Like Power.

The best and final argument I can make for kindness is not an argument at all. That’s because the best argument for kindness is in the experience of it. Lawyer struggle with kindness because it is easy to misunderstand.

In many situations, kindness has a softness to it. When we feel kindly towards someone, we may feel a softening of our hearts and a sense of generosity towards them. When someone is kind to us, we may notice a quiet, soothing voice and a non-threatening posture.

Next time you offer or experience kindness, though, I urge you to pay closer attention. Though kindness undoubtedly has a softness to it, it often also includes stability, calm, courage, and support. In this way, even though kindness may look soft to an observer, it often feels powerful to those who give and receive it.

In truth, kindness is power because it offers us the possibility of transforming a situation or building a connection with a little bit of courage, presence, and an open heart.

Don’t Take My Word for It. Try This for Yourself.

Here’s the truth: you probably already know how essential kindness is. Most of us wouldn’t have gotten as far as we have without kindness in our lives. Even so, most of us would love to have more kindness in our lives. If you are nervous about showing more kindness in your life or work, you aren’t alone. Kindness takes courage, discipline, and patience.

But when you pay attention, you may notice that it feels really good and usually leads to even better results. That’s what this post was really about anyway. I hope it helps you know where to look and to look for when it comes to kindness in your life and work. The more you study and notice kindness, the more you will want to experience and share it with others.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Why Lawyers Need Mudita Practice for Greater Joy

As a writer and a lawyer, I love it when the sound of a word fits its meaning. “Mudita” is one of those words. It is a Pali and Sanskrit term that refers to sympathetic or appreciative joy. In Buddhist teachings, mudita is one of the four essential heart practices. This post will explain why it’s also essential for lawyers.

What Is Appreciative Joy or Mudita?

Mudita practice is about cultivating joy for the happiness of others. As one of the four heart practices, mudita supports the cultivation of kindness, equanimity, and compassion. As a meditation practice, mudita has a structure similar to loving-kindness. It involves bringing people and groups to mind and conveying kind wishes.

Because mudita focuses on the well-being of others, though, it is the one practice that does not start with oneself. Instead, typically, mudita starts with a loved one and mentor and then extends out to neutral and difficult people. This is because mudita practice, if you give it some time, is likely to create joy in you.

The phrases for mudita practice are also similar to those used for loving-kindness, but with slight edits. Instead of sending simple kindness and well-being, the phrases are tailored to evoke appreciate at the well-being of others. Some examples include:

May you be happy;
May your happiness continue;
May you appreciate your joy;
I am happy for your.

Benefits of Mudita Practice

I’ll talk more about why lawyers specifically might want to consider adding mudita practice to their routine below. As a general matter, practicing appreciative joy has many benefits. The most common reason that someone would want to practice mudita is to reduce self-centered thinking.

To a certain degree, most of us are self-centered. This is more of an observation than a criticism. Part of being human is the reality that our minds get stuck on ourselves. Individualism in western culture and technology don’t help this either.

These two things can combine to alienate us from others. They can also present the illusion that the happiness or success is a threat to us. Given this, even the best of us might need to get intentional about expanding our horizons. Mudita practice can help you reconnect with others and reconsider what real happiness is.

Image showing the benefits of mudita meditation practice for lawyers

Can You Train Yourself to Feel Joy for Others?

Now, you may wonder if you can really train yourself to feel authentic joy for other people. This is a fair question. Most of know that we can’t boss our emotions around.

Though this is true, mudita practice is not about forcing yourself to feel anything. Just like with loving-kindness, the practice is not about feeling joy on demand. Instead, it is better to think about mudita practice as one of orientation.

The point is to direct your attention and intention towards open-heartedness and generosity. You can’t and shouldn’t try to make yourself feel joy for someone else’s good fortune. But you can practice wishing people true happiness and see how it makes you feel.

At first, this practice is likely to feel awkward, strange, or like nothing at all. If you keep practicing, though, you may notice a shift. You may see that you can feel genuine happiness for others. And you may also see the circle of people you can feel happiness for can expand to include people you never expected.

Why Mudita Practice Is Good for Lawyers

Most busy people, like lawyers, are encouraged constantly to “make time for self-care.” This is because lawyers spend most of their work day thinking of others. Why should they want to spend time in meditation focusing on the well-being of others?

One reason is that, while lawyers are often serving others, they are not often intentionally practicing joy. Law practice is often embroiled in conflict and stress. As a result, redirecting attention to happiness and joy can feel pretty good.

In the same way, lawyers are often in competition with others. Some of us have literal opponents in litigation or a hostile transactional matter. It’s not uncommon for lawyers to feel a sense of competition for business reasons with other lawyers.

In this way, mudita might be a nice respite from the competition. It can remind us that our own success is not the only way for us to find happiness. In short, it can help us reflect on and literally feel that connection is our best source of joy.

Want to Try Mudita? Here’s a Guided Meditation.

If you are revved up about appreciative joy and want to try a mudita practice, you are in luck. You can try this practice here:

And if you want to try another option, you can check out this one I liked from One Mind Dharma.

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What Does It Mean to Be a Human Lawyer?

This month, I decided to write on the theme of “humanity in the legal profession.” When I settled on this theme, it seemed at first like an easy concept to impart. But, as I sometimes realize when I sit down to write a brief, the writing process quickly reveals the gaps in my understanding. There are lots of things I love about writing but this aspect, humbling as it can be sometimes, is one of my favorites. It forces you to drill down on small things you might have otherwise overlooked.

In this case, the small thing I had overlooked was what does “humanity in the legal profession” really mean? Sure, I’d used the term “human lawyer” many times. I had considered to myself, if not said aloud, that I strived to show what it means to be a human lawyer. Still, I’d never thought about defining the term. When you write about a subject (especially as a lawyer) that’s usually a good starting point.

In this case, though, a dictionary definition was not helpful because I wasn’t trying to understand what the word “humanity” meant. Instead, I was trying to understand what it meant to demonstrate one’s humanity as a lawyer. To be sure, I had witnessed this in several ways in my own life. My family is filled with lawyers and so I was blessed to see regular examples of heartfelt care and concern expressed through legal guidance growing up. As a practicing attorney myself, I’ve benefitted from humanity from my colleagues and opposing counsel. And, on my better days at least, I have employed it too.

But still, the idea of humanity in law implies that it can’t be limited to just one lawyer’s lived experience. Fortunately for me, I happen to have a pretty robust LinkedIn network. So, I asked my lawyer friends there to tell me what being a human lawyer meant to them. Here are some of their answers.

Several respondents told me that humanity as lawyers had to do with how we show up in the world:

I think we are all human lawyers at heart. But we learn to muzzle our humanity to show up as who we think our clients want to see. Ironically, I think this is the exact opposite of what most clients crave. They want real, raw, empathy, humor, relationship. More transparency is the answer.

Still, it’s hard to swim upstream against the prevailing norms. I often encounter attorneys who are very reticent to share anything personal in their bio or express their personality in their content. This is a missed opportunity to stand out from the crowd. For the most part, clients choose you because of who you are and what you stand for. Not who you clerked for, your class rank, or the last case you won.
Marie Sotelo, B2B Content Marketing Consultant in Law/Compliance/Risk Management

I actually say this just about every day! Human-first lawyering is a huge part of in-house practice. Lawyers (just like other humans) like jokes, and play fantasy football, and have interests outside of work and listen to punk rock. We’re just humans who went to law school and we learned some things there that can help you.
Stephanie Solera, Deputy GC at Numerator

Still other lawyers told me that humanity in our profession means honoring our own emotions and the emotions of our clients:

Empathy. Empathy for your clients, coworkers, and opposing counsel.
Emmy Klint, General Counsel and Risk Mitigation Manager

I am a human lawyer because I can speak of practical solutions not just legal ones and advise people to take pathways that are less disruptive to their mental health if they can still meet their basic goals.
Lynda Hinkle, Esq., Attorney, Law Firm Owner (Family, Estates, Guardianships), Family and Estate Mediator, and Real Estate Agent

Some lawyers even suggested that our humanity is essential for counseling clients, even when that means admitting to the limitations of the law:

As lawyers, our role involves “counseling” sometimes more than providing legal advice. Talking your client down from the ledge or from pursuing a vendetta or burning bridges or to encouraging the client to cut all ties and have a “divorce” from the opposing party. I handle probate, trust, and fiduciary litigation, which involves blended family situations or sibling discord. I remind people that sometimes, to be there for yourself, you have to “divorce” or disengage from that toxic or opposing party family member and maybe someday you might be able to see each other at Christmas but not this year. I believe in acknowledging our feelings and then, asking what can you do to feel that again or not feel that again. Acknowledge the client is stressed but also encourage them to concentrate on the next step, not the end result.
Andrea Barr, Managing Attorney, Fiduciary Litigation

I think what can set you apart as “human” with clients is to be humble and admit when “the” answer isn’t clear or straightforward. I work in a science heavy area of law, with cases that are often full of unanswered questions of law. It’s hard sometimes for clients to understand that, but I have had many tell me they appreciate my honest and forthright answers… often after having talked to or worked with other attorneys prior. Sometimes a humble attitude is surprising to clients but it’s also earned loyalty and referrals.
Melissa A. H. , Environmental & Construction Attorney

Now, if like me, you have struggled with your humanity at times, don’t worry. A few of the respondents shared that you can remember or relearn your humanity even if, litigation for example, causes you to lose track of it for a while:

I bring humanity compassion and kindness to all my matters. I used to be a litigator and was becoming a jerk I switched to transactional work 17 years ago doing estate planning and business law. I now enjoy helping people set things up for the present and the future. I also perform about 240 hours of pro bono work every year. If there is anything that can be said for wisdom instilled by the elderly, it is treat people how you want to be treated and create memories because they are all you take with you and no one gets out alive.
Rev. Dr. Marc Paquette, Senior Corporate Counsel/General Counsel

I learned to be a human lawyer after experiencing the personal tragedy of one of my clients. I finally saw the true terrible price of a legal malpractice claim and realized that to help my clients (and myself) I needed a more holistic approach. I took a step back from just defending legal mal lawsuits and now attempt to address lawyers’ problems before disaster strikes.

Jeff Cunningham, Esq. Outside General Counsel for Law Firms Partner at Goldberg Segalla

So, there we have it. Humanity in the legal profession is about showing up as ourselves. It’s about honoring our emotions and those of others. It shines through brightest, perhaps, when we counsel with practical as well as legal advice. And it can even serve as our north star to get ourselves back to goodness if we lose our way in the difficulties of law practice.

Maybe there’s no unifying definition of what it means to demonstrate humanity in the legal profession, but it’s good that there are many examples of it. If you want more, check out The Human Lawyer Podcast. I was a guest on this podcast a few years ago and it curates the stories of some fantastic human lawyers across the country.

How do you show your humanity in your life and work?

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