suicide prevention - brilliantlegalmind.com

Learning to Love Myself: A Lawyer’s Story of Healing

Founder’s Note: I had the honor and privilege of moderating a panel on attorney mental health with Jennifer Kleier, the author of this article. She wrote this article in preparation for the panel and it was originally published in the Louisville Bar Association’s May 2024 issue of it’s Bar Briefs magazine. I republish it here to offer wider access to this story of courage, resilience, and humanity in the legal profession.

I was eight years old the first time I remember binging. It was the early 90s, before the internet and smartphones. I had never heard of eating disorders and couldn’t ask Google what I was doing or why. My body understood though. It quickly learned that when I ate a large quantity of specific foods (high sugar/high carb foods) that I felt better. I wasn’t happy per se but I felt less sad and empty. Time and again, I chased these feelings and quickly learned to hide what I was doing.

How the Healing Journey Started

I learned to associate food with the highs of a binge and the lows that came after – the shame, judgment, and guilt. I instinctively knew to protect my secret because others wouldn’t understand and might even make me stop. The binging increased in frequency and, as I got older, became a normal part of my life. When I was fifteen, my dad moved out and the binging escalated to binging and purging.

I didn’t know how to deal with the big emotions I was experiencing and food was my shield, the only way I knew to protect myself. I was slowly dying inside but did my best to pretend like I was normal. During these years I maintained good grades and played competitive junior tennis well enough to earn a college scholarship.

My junior year of college my coach intervened and told me to get help with my eating issues. She was worried I was going to kill myself and refused to sit by and do nothing. She made me an appointment with an on-campus therapist who then referred me to a doctor about starting medication.

Mental Health Treatment

Though therapy and medication offered some minor relief, my eating issues continued. I was binging and purging daily, sometimes multiple times a day. I didn’t know how to handle my feelings and believed that at my core I was worthless and unlovable. I attributed any success I had to luck while taking full blame for all my failures.

In my mind I failed because I was stupid, ugly, fat, lazy – the list goes on. Every set-back and hurdle seemed like the end of the world and only proved my worthlessness. I was always on edge, in survival mode, reacting out of fear and disrespect for myself, my life.

Sometimes my depression and anxiety would overwhelm me and I would stay in bed for days, unable to get up except to find food for binging and purging. I would isolate myself from friends and family, ashamed and too exhausted to put on a happy face.

Change Can Be Hard for a Lawyer

Over the years, I shared some of what was happening. I saw therapists who focused solely on my past traumas and nutritionists who talked to me about the importance of eating a balanced meal. Still my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness grew, and I convinced myself these constant ups and downs and the ever-present issues with food were always going to be part of my life.

When I got my pregnant with my second child I again fell into a serious depression. After sharing with the nurse during a pregnancy check-up that I was having thoughts of running my car off a bridge, medical staff forced me to get a psych examination at the hospital emergency department.

Image with quote: Lawyers face hard problems and try to show compassion for those who need it. By accepting that sometimes we need compassion too, we are in a better position to face and change the world.

How Did I End Up Here?

I remember sitting in the examination room, waiting for the doctor to come in, and thinking of the irony as I had spent a year of my career at the public defender’s office representing individuals held on MIW’s. They had gone through the same process that I was currently enduring.

I sat on the bed, in my hospital gown and socks with the rubber pads on the feet, and just felt numb. Luckily, the kind and experienced doctor recommended a medication adjustment and finding a good therapist. Although this offered some relief, the depression, anxiety, and self-medicating with food never stopped.

Finally, in February of 2021 my body rebelled. I developed a horrible, uncontrollable itching which, upon scratching, produced hives. I got them all over my body and could only find relief with rest induced by multiple Benadryl. I saw numerous doctors and got prescriptions to control the hives, but they made me so tired that I often struggled to perform basic daily functions. As a final indignity, I gained almost thirty pounds in a year which increased my issues with food.

Finally a Mental Health Breakthrough

Then two things happened which changed my life. I was diagnosed with ADHD and started working with a life coach by the name of Leah Brown Waterman. My incredible loving and supportive husband encouraged me to seek out this support by reminding me that I deserved it. I started taking medication for ADHD and learned more about how my brain works. I learned that I am not stupid, I just think differently. Now I embrace the way my brain works as a strength.

I met weekly with Leah and she helped me recognize that I have value, deserve good things, and am strong enough to endure hardships in life, even without using food as a coping mechanism. Over time, I learned to understand my thoughts and feelings better. While it now sounds obvious, I had been using food as a coping strategy since I was eight years old. The realization that my thoughts controlled my feelings and not vice versa was life-altering. This realization has helped me claim control over my life in a way I have never been able to before.

How a Lawyer Changed Her Thoughts on Self-Worth

Changing my thoughts about my own worth was difficult, but a turning point came when my oldest daughter turned eight. I would look at her sweet face, the same age I had been when I started binging, and I couldn’t stand the idea of anyone saying the horrible things to her that I had said to myself. Leah suggested I carry a picture of eight-year-old me and look at it whenever I have negative thoughts about myself and try to say the horrible words while looking at the picture.

I went further and carried a picture of myself at eight and my daughter at eight. When my thoughts turned negative, I looked at the pictures but I could never make myself say the words. Instead, I found compassion, empathy, grace, and mostly love. Through this process I have learned to love myself. And, in turn, loving myself has allowed me to be more compassionate, empathetic, and loving with others.

Image with quote about the importance of self-love and self-compassion for attorney mental health

Healing Day by Day

This is not a perfect process and I am nowhere near perfect in it. I work hard at it every day, some more than others. I mess up quite a bit – with myself and with others. When I do mess up I try hard to make amends to both myself and the others that I hurt. Without food as my shield, I often feel raw and exposed, like I am just now learning to adult at forty years old. But I look at those little girls’ faces and know that they are worth it, no matter how hard it gets.

We are all deserving of love and respect. We are more than our jobs, more than this adversarial, often cut-throat profession. For the sake of ourselves, our clients, and our profession we have to find ways to be better to each other. Not to have unrealistic expectations of each other but to find ways to communicate better, allow ourselves and others to show vulnerability without punishment, and to give each other grace. This is true not just among lawyers, but also between judges and lawyers. We should all remember that most of us are still carrying around that little kid inside of us, looking for acceptance and love.

Why This Lawyer Shared Her Story

I wrote this because I imagine there are other lawyers out there who could benefit from reading it. The idea of putting my personal experiences out there for others to read has made me sick to my stomach the past few days. I have had to fight my instincts to curl into a ball and self-medicate with food. I procrastinated and concocted reasons to avoid writing. But my husband reminded me that I am strong enough to deal with any negative response that might come from it and that if it helps one person it is worth it.

So, I am trusting you to look on my story with kindness and ask that you show the same kindness to yourself. I know this is not an easy thing to ask because it took me decades to do myself. But this is the work we do every day. We face hard problems and try to show compassion for those who need it. By accepting that sometimes I need compassion too, I am in a better position to face and change the world.

Author Bio: Jennifer Kleier practices in Louisville, Kentucky at Karem & Kleier Law. She served for five years as a public defender and has spent the last nine years building an extensive practice in family law, criminal defense, estate planning, and guardianship. Jennifer is active in the community, including the Louisville Bar Association. She is the founding Chair of both the Gender Equity Committee and Health & Wellness Committees and currently serves on the Board as Secretary. She believes transparency about our struggles is key to creating safe, supportive environments for others who are struggling to seek help and shares her struggles in the hopes of helping someone else.

This post is the first of an ongoing series. If you are in the legal profession and are interested in sharing your story, please submit a query here. If you are not sure about sharing your story, there is no shame in taking your time. For a bit of inspiration about the benefits it might offer, however, check out my post here.

To learn more about suicide prevention and resources that can help, check out the following posts:

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

Interview with Lawyer and Attempted Suicide Survivor Bruce Simpson

Editor’s Note: I had not met Bruce Simpson until last week. However, I have known about him for several months. Bruce shared his story for my state bar association, the ABA, and various news sources. I organized a CLE discussion about attorney mental health for the Kentucky Bar Convention and reached out to Bruce to participate. He graciously agreed and did a wonderful job. I am pleased he also agreed to an interview here so I can share some of his words with those who could not attend the session.

1. Tell me about yourself.

I did not realize or appreciate that I had any “mental health” struggles or a mental health problem until after I attempted suicide. I thought I was simply too weak to fix what I thought were merely my own self-created, “emotional problems.” I was raised like many kids in the 50s and 60s and even now where your “worth” as a human being was based on how well you performed in athletics or something else that your parents’ thought was “worthy”.

Early Life and Education

In my case, it was athletics. When I performed well, I was not criticized but when I performed poorly, I was constantly berated. This took place daily between the ages 11 and 18. As a result, I had extremely poor self-esteem, acted out in school, and got sent to the principal’s office more than any kid I knew. I did not study for any test between 9^th and 12^th grade except for one final. I thought I was worthless and weak.

I learned from my father not to complain because that meant I was weak, that I should “suck it up” and be “like a man.” So, for 60 years, I did not think I had a mental illness problem. It was ingrained in me that I had a Bruce Simpson personal problem, that I was simply too ineffectual. I did not realize there was anything to fix. I knew I was worthless.

I did not legally graduate from high school. I was socially promoted. I did not pass the required classes. My GPA was 1.4 for 4 years. I tried to go to the UK but flunked out with a 1.1 GPA after 3 semesters. I got drafted into the Army. This gave me a wake-up call. I was away from home for 2 years and on my own. I did well in the Army serving above rank. I also got serious and upon my discharge was ready to get serious about school.

College to Law Practice

I went year-round for 4 years and obtained my BA in sociology and MSW degrees. I made a 3.3 or higher every semester for my BA degree and a 3.9 in graduate school. I studied all the time. I performed well objectively but I still thought I was an imposter. I was terribly insecure. I thought I would never get a girlfriend because I was not attractive enough. So, I married the first girl who was attracted to me. I thought I would never find another girlfriend. This insecurity, the lack of self-worth was an integral part of my life for 60 years.

I did not start to think other people thought I was worthy until my early forties when I started to have some success as a lawyer. People would tell me they saw one of my trials or hearings and compliment me. I was stunned. Really? I asked. This felt great. This continued for the next 30 or so years. I became well known in central Kentucky for land development controversies, hearings, and trials. Internally, though, I knew I was an imposter.

Early Views about Mental Health

During this time whenever I would read about a lawyer getting into trouble for one reason or another, I thought to myself, if that were me, I would kill myself. I could not lose this self-worth I had obtained if only because people would tell me I was a good lawyer. I recall one vacation my wife and I took to Europe. I was a solo practitioner at the time, and a thought popped into my head about halfway across the ocean that I might have missed a statute of limitations filing in a case. This thought would pop into my head 10-15 times per day.

The only way I found I could cope and not ruin the trip for my wife was to conclude, “Look if you missed the statute, you will just kill yourself when you get home.” The truth is I was on autopilot to kill myself for 30 years if I ever perceived other people would not consider me worthy. Thus, on January 24, 2023, when I saw I had not filed a brief in a highly publicized case I won at trial and that it was going to be a published decision, I knew I had to take my own life. There was no question about it. I was ready to die.

Image with quote from the article regarding mental health for lawyers and the general public

2. Without revealing any confidence, how did you manage your law practice as you address your mental health needs?

I did not manage my mental health needs because I did not know I had any such needs. I thought it was me being weak. I did not believe any therapist could talk me into being strong and I thought medication would just make me high.

3. What supports, people, groups, or resources helped you the most in managing your mental health?

I had to be involuntarily institutionalized at Eastern State Hospital after my suicide attempt. This was the first time I had any mental healthcare. I have been in therapy and on medication since. I am now doing better than ever. I have never felt better. I think more clearly than ever. I am performing better than ever in trials and hearings, and I do not need anyone’s affirmation to tell me I am worthy.

I know I am worthy. While therapy and medication have been crucial to my recovery, my increased faith in God and following Him daily has been super important. No one could have been more purposeful to die on January 25, 2023, than me. I suppose I will never be able to fully explain to everybody’s comprehension how a brand new, loaded .357 Magnum pistol with hollow point bullets did not fire when the hammer of the gun hit the bullet while the gun was pointed at the side of my head when I pulled the trigger.

This is especially unlikely because I had just test fired this brand-new gun only a moment earlier and a removed the spent shell casing from the gun. I had seen the live bullet rotate into the firing chamber just like it did during the test firing. Yet, it did not fire and before I could try again, the police where driving towards me because I had called 911 before I tried to kill myself. I did not want an innocent person to find my body.

An image with an article quote regarding the power of mental health treatment and faith that helped a lawyer recover after a suicide attempt

4. What is the most important thing you wish the legal profession understood about mental health?

The legal profession as well as the public at large must learn to appreciate that mental illness is a serious and legitimate illness just like cancer, heart disease and the like. Mental illness and its treatment should not have the stigma attached to it that it does. This stigma deters mentally ill people from obtaining the treatment they need, and which works.

Too many of us mock mentally ill people. I confess I used to do it. This is wrong and it is damaging to those who suffer mental illness. As far as the legal profession in particular, the culture must change. I practiced 20 years in Big Law and 20 years in small firms. Leaders of law firms need to be much more tuned into the quality of life of their subordinate attorneys.

This “all-in” push to generate maximum money to the exclusion of people’s mental health is sick. Too many leaders give lip service to caring about their attorneys but in fact, the unwritten code is if you want to stay employed and make the “esteemed partner” class, you better demonstrate the firm comes first and so does money.

Lawyers are also encumbered much like doctors by the potential to be “infected” with the perfectionism syndrome. Too many of us believe we must be perfect as lawyers and anything less is unacceptable because clients will get hurt, and the firm will get sued. I do not see any way around this conundrum.

It is something we must live with when we choose this profession. I also think lawyers should be rewarded for service to the community and pro bono work. Yet, few firms do. I believe this service component actually enhances the image of the firm which draws more business.

An image with a quote from the article about mental health for lawyers and perfectionism

5. How did you find the courage to start being open about your mental health story?

My situation is unique, I think. By all logic, I should have died that night. There is no rational reason I should be alive today. I was locked in on killing myself. I wanted to finish my mission in that cemetery, but the police officer did not leave. The rest is detailed in my article, but it was only on January 25, 2024, my one-year anniversary, that I told the rest of the story which happened that night. I posted on my Facebook account and my LinkedIn Account. I do not have courage. I am simply empowered by God to speak out.

6. How has your experience managing your own mental health affected your life and work?

Mental health treatment and my newfound faith have changed my life so radically, there are no words to adequately describe how blessed I feel, how clearly, I think and how good I feel about myself.

Bruce’s Bio: Bruce Simpson has been a civil trial lawyer for 40 years in Lexington, KY where his practice has focused on land use litigation and civil rights violations. Bruce is admitted to practice in all state and federal courts in Kentucky, the United States 6th Circuit Court of Appeals, and the United States Supreme Court.

He has a Bachelor of Arts, Master of Social Work and Juris Doctorate Degrees from the University of Kentucky. Bruce is a past president of the Fayette County Bar Association. He is also a past president and current board member of the Children’s Advocacy Center of the Bluegrass, which exclusively serves sexually abused children. Additionally, he is a member of the board of directors of the Kentucky Equal Justice Center and Mental Health America-Kentucky Chapter.

Bruce is a United States Army infantry veteran who served 2 years of active duty and 4 years of reserve duty.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

What Law Firm Leaders Can Learn from Better Call Saul

I was watching Better Call Saul with my husband as Howard Hamlin, the law firm partner with perfectly quaffed blonde hair and a toothpaste commercial grin, appeared on screen. After meeting with the title character, Saul Goodman, Howard gets into an expensive vehicle and drives away to reveal a vanity plate that reads “NAMAST3”. We already knew that Howard had been struggling with his past and had turned to yoga and new-found spirituality to tame his inner demons. Unfortunately, as the audience eventually learns, Howard’s inner peace is much like the spelling on his vanity plate: not quite right.

My husband smirked, turned to me and said, “Does that irritate you?” He was mocking me, but I was nerding out far too hard to acknowledge it. Instead of rolling my eyes at him, I replied “No, this is a great example about how easy it is to gaslight ourselves with spirituality.” Indeed it was, but it turned out to be a tragic one too. In Better Call Saul, Howard had turned to yoga and mindfulness to soothe his tortured soul after the downfall and death of his mentor and Saul’s brother, Charles McGill.

Despite this new-found ethos, however, there is little evidence of reflection on Howard’s part about his preoccupation with appearing perfect or the practices of his own law firm. Tragically, Howard’s obsession with his reputation left him vulnerable to Saul’s tricks, and it ultimately lead to his own death and the implosion of his firm.

I talk about the power of mindfulness all the time, so it may seem strange that I would draw attention to Howard Hamlin. If anything, he shows us that mindfulness has limits, right? And, to be sure, the characters on Better Call Saul are generally examples of what not to do as attorneys. So why talk about them?

I talk about them because, of course, there are limits to mindfulness practices. As Howard demonstrates, one of the dangers of mindfulness practice is that it can help you feel better temporarily or on a surface level without achieving the clarity needed for real peace. If you don’t have other supports to ground you, you may end up deluding yourself instead of growing and understanding yourself better.

The show doesn’t tell us what practices and teachers Howard relied on to develop his mindfulness practice, though his license plate suggests he went for yogic practices. The show offers clues, however, that Howard is otherwise intent on appearing serene when his life in many ways seems to be falling apart. Though he experienced the death of his law partner, strife in his firm, and an impending divorce, Howard seems intent on showing everyone how happy and at ease he is. There’s also no mention of Howard trying additional strategies, like therapy for example, to support himself.

I don’t say these things to suggest that Howard was a bad guy. He really wanted to be a good guy. He wanted to be a mentor to young lawyers. He wanted to be a good leader and build a law firm that lasted. The problem is that Howard was not an aware guy because he was afraid to see himself as he really was. In this way, Howard Hamlin was entirely human, but his obsession with looking at peace tragically got in the way of him ever finding it.

Research is clear that mindfulness practices, including yoga, can help you reduce stress and feel more at peace. They do that, though, by helping you face yourself as you are and life as it is. Part of that means accepting your own imperfections and learning how to share them with others. As Howard Hamlin shows us, your so-called inner peace can get torn apart very easily when you can’t allow yourself to do this.

The legal profession certainly needs more law firm leaders who are willing to be examples about leading a good life, including the practices that help them do it. So, if you are a serious yogi, go ahead and talk about it and keep that yoga mat in your office. But, don’t just talk about it and throw a vanity plate on your car. You also need to act on the values that have served you well. You need to be real in a way that Howard Hamlin never let himself be about the struggles you’ve had rather than merely trying to convey an illusion of spiritual purity. Not only do you deserve all the support you can get when you deal with hardships in life, your law firm may need you to get it.

Indeed, research suggests that emotional intelligence and relationship-building are essential leadership traits. Even the best lawyers would struggle to do either of these things without being honest with themselves and others about who they really are. Law firm leaders who embrace mindfulness to help stabilize themselves can certainly use the practices to become better leaders for their firms.

But they shouldn’t do so with the objective of always looking calm and serene, especially not when real crises in life or law practice are happening. Instead, the practices are there to help you accept and face what is there–in yourself or in life–and greet it with compassion. When you can do this, there will be no need to tell people how at peace you are because you’ll show it with your life, law practice, and leadership every day.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media:

PSA: 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Is Now Available

Today is an important day in the United States, we now have a national, dedicated hotline for individuals to call for mental health emergencies. In the case of fire, severe physical injury, or crime, most of us wouldn’t hesitate to say “call 911.” Mental health situations may be different, however, and may require a response from trained professionals other than traditional first responders. Starting today, we can now call 988 for such situations.

What happens when you call 988? The program connects you immediately with a trained mental health professional. This is significant because anyone who has experienced any kind of mental health situation knows that there is almost always a waiting period to begin care. Moreover, like any other professional, counselors, therapists, and other mental health providers usually work during normal business hours. Though we have existing emergency services, like fire, EMTs, and police, those officials are not always trained to provide care for mental health needs.

With the new 988 lifeline, anyone who is experiencing a mental health emergency can now receive immediate help. There is also a chat function available at 988lifeline.org that will allow individuals another means of connecting to help. In addition, the website offers resources to help those of us who may be supporting a loved one experiencing a mental health emergency. It even offers a resource for helping someone you may know less well from social media.

In addition to providing a support for people in need during a mental health emergency, another aspect of the lifeline is normalizing seeking help. The 988 lifeline has media kits and logos for public use and a hashtag #Bethe1To to spread the word about suicide prevention. It also has a collection of stories of hope and recovery from those who have experienced suicidal thoughts or mental health challenges in the past and tools to help those who wish to share their own story. As someone who has written about my own mental health challenges, these are powerful tools for individual healing, building community, reducing shame and stigma, and spreading awareness.

Having experienced mental health challenges myself, I have experienced how hard it can be to recognize symptoms in yourself and to seek out help. For this reason, it is essential to have a lifeline, supports, and education available to empower communities to promote and protect mental health. I am glad that this new tool exists to support lawyers, professionals, and the entire community in the United States with mental health emergencies. Please help spread the word about it.

Like this post? Subscribe to the blog here or follow us on social media: