Loving-Kindness Meditation Explained in Valentines

Valentine image for post with phrases from loving-kindness meditation

There is some incredibly promising research emerging relating to loving-kindness (metta) meditation. This practice, in which meditators send themselves and others well wishes, has been shown to impart incredible benefits, including stress reduction and improvements to relationships. It has even been shown to make people who do it consistently behave more ethically.

Loving-Kindness Meditation Is Dynamic and May Seem Complex at First

Despite this, loving-kindness practice is one of the more difficult kinds for meditators in the West and especially lawyers to practice. Culturally, many Americans aren’t used to wishing themselves well.

They may feel like they are being selfish or worry that the practice is sappy. Us skeptical lawyers who are trained in law school that we need to analyze problems without reference to our feelings may see the practice as a waste of time.

Loving-Kindness Meditation Is Like Sending Valentines

But it occurred to me that many of us are used to sending out nice cards for no real purpose every year. That’s what Valentine’s Day is all about. As kids in school, we didn’t just send those to sweethearts out to friends and classmates and usually even our teachers.

I tried to avoid giving them to kids I didn’t like in my class but my mom wisely and firmly encouraged me not to be stingy. The same idea is true in loving-kindness meditation. Though you start with friends and loved ones, you ultimately practice sending kindness out to all.

The People in Loving-Kindness Meditation

So, I thought it might help to briefly explain loving-kindness practice to you in those terms. As the slideshow below indicates, loving-kindness practice is sort of like sending out Valentines from your mind and heart. The practice starts with you, then moves on to others, including:

  • a loved one,
  • mentor (teacher, benefactor or supporter),
  • a neutral person, and
  • difficult person.

You don’t have to stress about the individuals you select for practice. At first, pick easy ones. Select a loved one who is easy to love, a benefactor to whom you feel genuine gratitude, and don’t start with your sworn enemy (read: opposing counsel you can’t stand) as your first difficult person. Eventually, though, you may find that you can expand out to new people and broader classes of people.

The Wishes in Loving-Kindness Meditation

As you bring these people to mind, you offer them warm phrases, such as:

  • may you be at peace,
  • may you be happy,
  • may you be safe,
  • may you be healthy.

If these phrases don’t work for you, you can select anything that does, such as “I hope you are healthy and safe.” For more help on this, check out The Heart of Loving-Kindness Practice Guide which offers tools to help you craft your own phrases. If you are really struggling, you can even try “I hope you have a nice day.”

The Groups in Loving-Kindness Meditation

At the end of the practice, you move from individuals to groups, expanding from

  • your family and friends,
  • your community, and
  • the world; and
  • all beings in the universe.

While this sounds very silly and highly ineffectual, it is amazing what happens when you experience it. In practice, the impact is one of grounding and recalling connection to your community and the shared humanity across the globe.

Beyond Wishing in Loving-Kindness Meditation

During the practice, one is generally instructed to focus attention in the area of the heart and notice the feelings that arise there. I have done this practice many times and literally felt my heart expand and open. While it is true that wishing someone well doesn’t change anything on its own, warm sentiments towards someone can affect your behavior and research shows that they can when it comes to loving-kindness practice.

This practice can be uncomfortable at first, so don’t push or judge yourself if you feel resistance or don’t feel anything at all. The point is to cultivate warm feelings and let your heart grow, so give yourself time to let that happen.

How You Can Explore Loving-Kindness Meditation

Most meditation apps have loving-kindness practices, but they may call use words like “kindness”, “compassion” or even the traditional phrase “metta” to indicate them. Several of the meditations on our Resources page also feature loving-kindness type practices including:

In addition, my book is structured to gradually teach the foundational skills including loving-kindness practice.

Try Sending Some Loving-Kindness Out This Valentine’s Day

Because the world right now could certainly use it, I hope you will give loving-kindness practice a try. And this Valentine’s Day, I wish that you all may be happy, healthy, safe, and at peace.

Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.

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Published by Claire E. Parsons

Claire E. Parsons is Of Counsel at Bricker Graydon LLP in Cincinnati, Ohio. She has practiced for the last fifteen years in the areas of litigation, employment, local government law. Claire is an active leader in her community and in the legal profession. She has led innovative charitable programs in her community, statewide legal organizations, committees relating to the promotion of women professionals. Claire is also a frequent writer and speaker for these and other organizations. She has published and spoken about numerous topics, ranging from complex legal issues, to law practice, networking and marketing, as well as mindfulness and wellness for lawyers and other professionals. She writes regularly on LinkedIn and even co-authored a book this year with 19 other women lawyers about how they used the platform to network and pursue career goals during the pandemic. In 2013, Claire began a mindfulness practice early in her law career and as she was learning to be a new mom to her eldest daughter, Sophie. When Claire began the practice, she saw it gradually transform her life for the better by helping her to reduce overthinking, manage stress, and infuse compassion practices into her daily life. Over the next few years, she continued to study mindfulness practices and attend retreats. In 2018, Claire began speaking and writing on these topics and she quickly became regarded as a resource for professionals as someone who can explain meditation practices in an approachable and practical way. She has completed more than 1000 hours of training to teach mindfulness and compassion, including meditation and a variety of other mind-body practices, including yoga, pranayama, and somatic healing. Claire has also authored two books, How to Be a Badass Lawyer and Mommy Needs a Minute. You can learn more and connect with her through the blog or on LinkedIn.