The last week was filled with grief for me because my dog of nearly 16 years passed away. She was very old and ill, and we had to put her down. I had never had to euthanize a pet before so this was even more challenging. Looking back, I saw the many ways that my mindfulness practice helped me get through it.
Grief is a part of life for all of us at some point. It can be a hard thing for lawyers to experience because the emotion often comes with a huge lack of control. There is no way to make grief easy, but I experienced this week that mindfulness can help us avoid making it worse.
Here are the things I noticed this week as I let my mindfulness training help me work my way through grief.
Mindfulness Can Help You Not Make Grief Worse
As I sat with my scared sick dog in the vet’s office, I was pretty sad and scared too. And you know what? That was a perfectly appropriate response to the situation.
Mindfulness isn’t about trying to turn situations into ones that we would prefer. Instead, it is about accepting how things are. I was sad in that moment because it was a sad moment. The good news, as I experienced, was that I didn’t make it worse by trying to pretend.
As we all know, sadness is not a pleasant emotion. But from experience I can say that it feels better than being sad and trying to pretend I am not. Sadness also feels better than being sad and ignoring reality or resisting my feelings.
Acceptance is perhaps the hardest part of mindfulness to learn because it means we have to confront the parts of life that we may not like. The gold on the other side, though, is that we get to see and feel the peace that comes with not making things worse.
Mindfulness Can Help You Avoid Overwhelm
Another reason mindfulness helps with grief is that it can help you manage overwhelm. Sometimes when grief comes, we don’t have any choice but to be overwhelmed. Of course, nobody should fault themselves for feeling that way either.
In my situation, though, I really needed to avoid overwhelm because I wanted to stay as steady as possible to help my dog. As sad as the situation was for me, it was much scarier for her. In addition, I was her person. She had bonded to me and so I wanted to be a support for her.
As I sat in the vet’s office holding my dog, tears and sadness came. But I used my breath to ground and soothe myself. I kept my attention in my body, feeling the weight of her body on me as I waited. The situation was sad but I was able to stay in my window of tolerance as I experienced it. This helped me help my dog as I faced what I needed to face without overwhelm.
Responding to Grief with Kindness
One of the important ways that mindfulness can help us avoid overwhelm is that it isn’t just training clear awareness but kind awareness. In times of difficulty in mindfulness practice, we train the skill of responding to ourselves with care and concern instead of judgment and criticism.
This kindness helps us see clearly and opens the possibility for us to take wise and skillful actions. As I sat in the vet’s office with little control in a sad situation, kindness came out automatically.
I tried to support my husband and let him support me during the experience. As I mentioned, I was focused primarily on reducing my dog’s fear and pain. And I showed appreciation for the staff at the vet’s office and let their show of kindness affect me.
The hard reality is that kindness does not fix all problems. Kindness didn’t make the situation less sad, but it did make it bearable. In that hard moment, I was glad that I and the others in the room responded to the grief with kindness.
Remembering the Good Supports Equanimity
When I first started exploring mindfulness, I was confused about equanimity. In times of grief, the idea of equanimity – not being thrown off balance – feels like it doesn’t make sense. How can we be nonreactive in a situation where we are clearly sad?
Years of practice have helped me see the equanimity does not mean that we don’t feel things deeply. Instead, it means that we can allow ourselves to just feel. By this, I means we can feel how we feel without attaching more onto it, blocking it, or clinging to it.
One way that I find equanimity in challenging times is by coming back to the things and people in my life that are good. In times of grief, this can be hard. Sometimes sadness can make us want to stay sad or reach for things that are sad.
As I left the vet’s office, though, I couldn’t help but see the good in the situation. My dog had died, but she had lived a very long and mostly healthy life. She died surrounded by her family and caring medical providers and she was not in pain long.
This recognition helped me see that this sad situation, like so many others in life, was also infused with joy, kindness, and good memories. In hard times, remembering the good is essential. I was glad my mindfulness practice helped me remember it on that sad day.
Mindfulness Practice Cultivates Kind Attention When You Need It Most
By no means can a blog post with a few points about mindfulness wave grief away like a magic wand. And I don’t claim that mindfulness practice can do that either. But it can help. Sometimes during hard times, even a little bit of help and a little bit of kind attention can go a long way. With mindfulness practice, you can cultivate kind attention so it is there for you when you need it most.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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