Sometimes thinking can block emotions and keep us from understanding what they mean. When emotions are complex, just thinking about them can just lead to more confusion. It can be hard to know what to do next when you aren’t even clear how you feel.
I recently worked through this situation myself and I know that I am not alone with this problem. Lawyers are paid to think and use our brains to solve problems. When difficult emotions arise, it can be hard to not rely on the skills we keep so sharp at work.
Unfortunately, my thinking was not solving my emotions. This is when I realized that I needed to put my lawyer skills aside for a moment and use the skills I have developed through mindfulness training. Here are the five mindful steps I took to process and understand my complex emotions.
1. Recognize Confusion about Emotions
Naming emotions is a tried and true strategy for getting needed distance and clarity from them. But what can you do when you aren’t sure what name to apply? Many lawyers don’t enjoy confusion like this. I know that I typically don’t. As a big thinker, it can be hard to not know what to think.
From the perspective of mindfulness, though, confusion is truly more of an open door than a roadblock. It’s a sign to look more closely or to reconsider your approach. Some of us may not be the best at naming our emotions if we haven’t practiced it much. If that is you, confusion about emotions could be a sign that you need to give them more time and space.
In my case, after years of mindfulness practice, I can usually identify my emotions pretty quickly. So, when I found myself unsure about what I was feeling, I took a step back and to try something else.
2. Let Go of Thinking (at Least Temporarily)
This led me to realize that my thinking about my emotions was not getting me anywhere. My attempts to name my emotions just led me to a lot of analyzing them. One thing you may notice if you pay attention is that emotions don’t always play by the rules of logic.
Instead, emotions often have their own logic. It usually doesn’t work to scrutinize them too closely or analyze them too intently. When you let the brain run wild, the thinking mind’s insatiable desire for rationality may cause your true emotions to hide.
Recognizing this in myself, I let go of thinking for a while.
3. Feel the Feelings in Your Body
Anyone who has meditated for even a few minutes knows that commanding oneself to stop thinking is useless. If you intentionally try to stop thinking, you will very likely just start thinking about why you should not be thinking.
What you can do, though, is to shift your attention. If you want to disrupt a thought chain, a tried and true strategy is to direct your attention to your body. This is also a great move if you are trying to understand emotions, since they often arise most prominently in the body.
If you are new to mindfulness or have a history of trauma, be gentle with this process and go as slowly as you need. You can also use a practice like RAIN to help yourself gradually explore and tolerate feelings in your body.
In many cases, allowing the feelings to manifest exactly as they are will help you get clearer on what you feel. More significantly, opening to the emotions in your body may allow you to feel care and compassion for yourself.
4. Make Some Space for Exploring Thoughts
After I let my feelings say their piece, I often find that some attention to thoughts make sense. Sometimes this is because, after acknowledging my feelings, I am better able to name and understand them.
When thoughts emerge at this point, I don’t push them away. Instead, I allow some space for them. I find this to be an important step when I am conflicted because sometimes I feel one thing and I think something else. To really understand what my emotions are, I generally need to make some space for thoughts too.
For a few minutes after I sit with my feelings, I let the thoughts bounce around. The thoughts might include the names of my feelings or my reactions to them. It also might include strategies and approaches for moving forward or caring for myself.
What you should watch out for here is trying to think your way into feeling how you want to feel. Ease back by perhaps resting with the breath if your mind becomes unsteady, defensive, or invested in a certain answer. Don’t treat this like you are solving a problem. Instead, treat as an open space for gentle inquiry.
5. If Possible, Share or Express Your Emotions
Once you have taken time to feel your feelings and get curious about thoughts, you may understand your emotions better. If that is the case, a final great step would be to express them.
It is a wonderful gift to be able to share significant feelings with a trusted friend or loved one. For challenging emotions, sharing your experience with someone else can be an important aspect of self-care.
If this is not an option, you can also consider writing about your experience or your emotions. As a lawyer, I know that I sometimes don’t know what I think about a case until I write the brief. Emotions can be this way too. Sometimes writing can unlock something hidden from view until the words hit the page.
Regardless of how you choose to express your feelings, it is a good idea to do so. In many cases, emotions are messengers. Sharing your feelings on the page or with a friend can help you understand the message better.
Sometimes It Takes Time to Understand Your Emotions
Emotions can often be very simple. Some emotions, like anger or sadness, are hard to mistake. Even so, most lawyers and professionals deal with complex problems in our life and work. This means we are bound to encounter situations that invoke complicated, conflicted, and confusing emotions.
We may sometimes need a little bit of extra time and a systematic approach to making sense of how we feel. With a little bit of time, mindfulness, and self-compassion, it is possible to get clarity about confusing emotions.
Want to learn more about mindfulness and compassion? Check out my new book, How to Be a Badass Lawyer, for a simple guide to creating a meditation practice of your own in 30 days. And to share mindfulness with your little one, check out my new children’s book, Mommy Needs a Minute.
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